…exploring the art and science of parenting

Welcome to PhD in Parenting! I was thrilled to be nominated for Most Provocative Blog and have been overwhelmed by the great support from my readers. Have fun looking around and be sure to check out my little ramble on why this blog is provocative:

What’s so provocative about this blog anyways?

Looking forward to the party in Chicago!

Image credit: sweetbeetandgreenbean in flickr

Blood

We all need it.

Most of us make enough of it and don’t lose too much of it.

But some people will need donated blood due to medical conditions, accidents or surgery.

Breast Milk

Babies need it.

Most women make enough of it to satisfy their baby’s needs.

But some people will need to feed their babies artificial baby milk (also known as infant formula) due to medical conditions, adoption, or unresolved difficulties with breastfeeding.

Why?

Why is it that governments and health care providers make donor blood a priority, but don’t make donor milk a priority? Why is it that despite the existence of artificial blood products, we have intricate and complex systems set up to collect and screen donor blood from other human beings to provide to those in need. Why is it that despite the opportunity to set up similar systems to collect and screen donor milk we settle for giving our babies artificial milk products?

I don’t know.

Some have said that fake blood could be more convenient, more practical than human blood:

Artificial blood may be the most anxiously awaited liquid of all time. Why? You don’t have to refrigerate manufactured blood (like human blood) to keep it fresh. Fake blood can be stored at room temperature and dispensed in ambulances, rescue helicopters, even on battlefields.

Sure, there are risks to fake blood and it will never be the same as real blood. But there are also risks to fake baby milk and that doesn’t stop us from using it.

So why? Why do we line up to donate blood? Why does the government and the health care system put such great emphasis on the need to collect donor blood? Why do they call people at home and remind them of how much their blood is needed? Why do they take out full page ads in the newspaper reminding people of how much their blood is needed? I mean fake blood could be almost as good. Why not focus on that? But some more research into it? It could be good for the economy. The companies that produce fake blood products would create jobs.

But breast milk? In Canada, there is one lone milk bank in Vancouver. Women across the rest of the country have a horrible time finding a way to donate if they want to. In the United States there are more milk banks than in Canada, but most of them are small and are very limited in terms of who they can provide milk to and how much they can provide.

Liquid gold

When I asked people on twitter if they had ever donated their milk, a lot of people said yes. Some of them had donated to milk banks. Some of them in private donations. Some said they hadn’t, but wished they could. But when I asked them if they had ever or would ever sell  their breast milk, most of them said no. They said they would just be happy to be able to help another family give their baby the best. That is altruistic and wonderful and in a private mom-to-mom donation (that doesn’t have the benefits of screening) you can get that warm and fuzzy feeling from having done a good deed.

But if you are donating to a milk bank, you might…um…be being milked for profits, literally. Prolacta, for example, and the related International Breastmilk Project, take donations of breastmilk from women, a small portion of which is sent to orphans in Africa and the majority of which is sold at the hefty price of $35 per ounce (Read Hoyden About Town’s post on the IBMP-Prolacta partnership and check out the various links too). I’ve heard breast milk called liquid gold before and this just confirms it.

Sure, there is a cost to collect and process the milk. But let’s be clear here. The women that donate the milk get no compensation for doing so. Prolacta on the other hand makes a profit selling the breast milk at $35 per ounce.

But why shouldn’t we profit from our bodily fluids?

When I was in university I spent some time on an exchange program in Germany. While I had money to cover my basic living costs, it didn’t always stretch far enough to pay for my weekly rations of German beer and chocolate. So I did what any other smart and frugal student would do. As often as allowed, I brought some of my reading material with me and plunked my rear end down in the waiting room at the University Health Centre to donate blood or plasma. The wait was often long, but so were the articles I had to read, and I walked out of there with a somewhere between $50 and $80 dollars. Not bad.

Back in Canada, Canadian Blood Services expects me to take time out of my busy day to give a pint of blood in return for a few stale cookies and a glass of juice. I do it. I do it because I know that they need the blood. Canadian Blood Services is a not-for-profit organization that provides blood to Canada’s public health system, so I feel okay about giving the blood for free. But would I make a bigger effort to get back for my next donation as quickly as possible if I was being paid for it? Perhaps. But more importantly, for people that have a true financial need, the opportunity to be paid $50 for a pint of their blood could really take some pressure off of the pocket book. Perhaps Canadian Blood Services could also save some money in advertising and recruiting people if they paid people for their blood, because they would come willingly.

What about breast milk? There are a lot of families with babies that are strapped for cash. In Canada, it isn’t that bad for most people due to our maternity leave system.  But in the United States a lot of women have to go back to work a mere six weeks after giving birth because they need the income. A lot of these women are in minimum wage jobs where it is difficult or impossible to pump at work, so they end up giving formula. This takes mothers often unwillingly away from their babies and forces them to pay for and feed their babies a product that is not as good as what their bodies would produce for free.

What if we paid these mothers for their breast milk? Imagine this. A mother that is earning minimum wage in the United States probably brings home about $250 per week (really rough estimate and average based on different rates for minimum wage and taxes). She is probably spending at least $40 per week on formula and then some money on commuting, work clothes, and so on. Perhaps she is lucky enough to have family members take care of the baby, otherwise the rest of her salary probably goes towards child care expenses. So she is making somewhere between $0 per week up to maybe a maximum of $175 per week to go to work and leave her six week old baby.

Now let’s try a different scenario. Let’s say she stays home and exclusively breastfeeds. Let’s say she manages to pump an additional 5 ounces per day on top of what she is feeding to her baby. Let’s say she provides that milk to a company, which pays her $4 per ounce (compared to the $35 per ounce it charges when it sells the milk). That would amount to a revenue for the mother of about $140 per week to stay at home with her baby. Some mothers might be able to make more and some would make less, but it is better than the absolute nothing they are getting now.

Not bad.

All of a sudden it would be financially feasible for more women, especially low income women, to stay home with their babies. All of a sudden, the availability of breast milk would increase for those that need or want it. All of a sudden, we have a system where mothers are being valued instead of being milked for profits. All of a sudden we have a system where nature’s best is being valued and fewer women have to settle for artificial milk for their babies.

This is a financial model based on sustainability and opportunity rather than corporate profits. Let’s make human milk banks a priority and let’s not forget to compensate the supplier in the process.

What do you think? If you could sell your breast milk would you? Are you willing to donate breast milk for nothing and have it sold for $35 per ounce? What seems fair to you?

Note: I am aware that it is currently illegal to sell breastmilk and other bodily fluids in some jurisdictions. I am not advocating that people break the law. I am advocating systematic changes to the legal and health system that would make this possible.

UPDATE: Location is confirmed as St. Luke’s Park. Details below!

The Canada Moms Road Trip is coming to Ottawa! All Ottawa area bloggers and social media types and their kids are invited to a play date on Thursday, July 2nd. Come on out to meet Her Bad Mother and Mother Bumper and their kids and welcome them to Ottawa.

Here are the details:

Location: St. Luke’s Park

Address: 166 Frank, just off of Elgin (see map)

Time: 5:00pm on July 2, 2009

What to Bring: Yourself, your kids, snacks if you wish (some of us will bring shareable snacks too), sand toys or whatever else your kids might enjoy using at the playground.

Where does it go from there? I’ll be there with my kids and they’ll probably be ready for some dinner after playing. We might head out somewhere nearby to eat and others are welcome to join in if they want. We can play it by ear.

In case of rain: There is a chance that it will be raining. We will still meet at the park, but if it is really pouring and we all decide to head for cover at the Second Cup or somewhere else, I’ll update on twitter (phdinparenting) and try to drop a comment below (note:  I won’t be able to update the actual post from my phone, but I can add a comment in the comments section).

Hope you can all join us!! Please RSVP in the comments below (with your twitter id and/or blog so that can make the connection) so that we know who will be joining in.

Thanks to Shannon (@zchamu) and Lauren (@lalawawa) for helping get this underway.

I need to cool off.

Many of my readers (supportive and otherwise) need to cool off.

So I give you, cooling off.

Let’s all jump in the water and splash around a bit.

A lot of people objected to my last post for a lot of different reasons.I addressed a lot of them in the comments, but I wanted to rehash one of them, using some new, less offensive and perhaps more easily understood analogies this time.

A number of people said that if you have tried gentle methods and your child still isn’t sleeping the way you would like them to, then you may have to use some form of cry it out.  If you don’t, your baby will be sleep deprived and since healthy sleep is important, you need to use cry it out.

Where have I heard something like this before?

Oh right…

Women that formula feed.

Women that have c-sections.

They say that it was unavoidable. That they were the unlucky one that couldn’t breastfeed or couldn’t have a vaginal birth. That is true for some. But we all know that for the vast majority of women that end up with a c-section or end up feeding formula, it could have been avoided.

• It could have been avoided if they knew more about how breastfeeding works or how to avoid unnecessary birth interventions.
• It could have been avoided if they didn’t have ridiculous pressure put on them by society.
• It could have been avoided if they didn’t get bad advice from medical professionals that are supposed to be there to help them.
• It could have been avoided if they had received the support they deserved from their loved ones.
• It could have been avoided if there wasn’t such bad advice and so many myths floating around.

We all know that breastfeeding rates are much lower than they should be. We all know that c-section rates are much higher than they should be. There are people for whom formula and c-sections are life savers. But most people that use them do so due to factors that can be and that should be addressed.

I think it is the same situation with cry it out.

• It could be avoided if more people were knowledgeable about normal infant sleep and how to promote good sleep habits.
• It could have been avoided if they didn’t have ridiculous pressure put on them by society to have their baby sleep through the night.
• It could have been avoided if their doctor didn’t suggest that something was wrong if their baby wasn’t sleeping through the night and if the doctor didn’t recommend some “tough love”.
• It could have been avoided if they had received the support they deserved from a spouse, friends, parents, or other loved ones that could have provided a much needed break or nap.
• It could have been avoided if there wasn’t such bad advice and so many myths floating around.

Human beings have limits. I understand that. That is why some people do turn to formula not because it was impossible to breastfeed, but because they were facing challenges that were so significant that they just couldn’t continue with breastfeeding. That is why some people that could theoretically have a vaginal birth end up asking for an epidural to dull the pain which then slows the birth process and lands them in surgery. That is why some people in despair turn to the cry it out method when they think they have tried everything else. We are all human. We all have limits. I don’t judge individual people for the choices they feel they have to make (although I will get very uncomfortable and probably leave if you let your baby cry it out while I am at your house).

But just because some people feel the need to use cry it out it doesn’t make it better, or equal to using gentle methods to get a baby to sleep. Just as formula and c-sections are not better or equal to breastfeeding or vaginal birth. Perhaps in some circumstances they end up being what is best for someone, but on the whole they are not the best choice.

With sleep as with breastfeeding and birth issues, on this blog, I will promote the best choice and discuss the risks or disadvantages of other choices.  Not to make moms that felt they had no choice feel bad. But to help those that are trying to decide, that are mulling over the bad advice they got from their doctor or their girlfriend, that are trying to convince their spouse. Sometimes research helps with those things. Sometimes analogies help. Sometimes stories help. There is a mix of all three on this blog.

Before I finish and to just put the icing on this analogy, there is something I need to say. With respect. There are people that have strong, unapologetic opinions about women who don’t put forth the full effort to avoid formula or avoid a c-section. That is their prerogative. I have a strong, unapologetic opinion about the use of the cry it out method. That is my prerogative. To be frank, I would sooner choose formula and get an elective c-section than let my baby cry to sleep alone in a dark room. You might not come to the same conclusion and that is your prerogative.

*If you feel the need to quote or paraphrase me in the comments of this post or elsewhere on the Internet, please do so accurately. I am happy to debate and discuss my opinions, but I hate being misquoted and can’t guarantee a civil response to a mean-spirited comment that misquotes me.

Photo credit: “At the end of a very long day” by KitLKat on flickr

There was some banter the other day on twitter comparing sleep with sex. I’m not sure if it originated with or ended with Ann Douglas, but the conversation at some point came around to the intro to her book  Sleep Solutions for Your Baby, Toddler and Preschooler: The Ultimate No-Worry Approach for Each Age and Stage (Mother of All Solutions), which says:

Sleep is a lot like sex. If you’re not getting it as much as you’d like, it can become a bit of an obsession. Suddenly, all you can think about is when you last had it, how great it felt when you had it, and what you can do to get some again.

Sounds logical. Maybe sleep is like sex in the way that Ann described. In terms of our obsession with it. And maybe that is where the discussion ends. But as someone that uses analogies a lot and that once wrote an hour long presentation comparing web content with food, I tend to follow the analogy down a path and see if it continues to work.

Let me explain.

Sex makes us happy. Sleep makes us happy. Lack of sex makes us cranky. Lack of sleep makes us cranky.

If you have a newborn baby in your house, you may be starved for sleep. If you are the spouse of a woman who recently pushed a baby out of her vagina you may be starved for sex. If you are starved for sleep or starved for sex, then you might, as Ann explained, be obsessed with it, be thinking about when you last had it, how great it felt when you had it, and what you can do to get some again.

So what can you do to get some again?

First of all, it is  important to recognize that it is normal for newborns to not sleep through the night and it is normal for women to not be interested in sex right after having a baby. It is also a reality that some babies are ready to sleep through the night earlier than others are, just as some women are interested in sex earlier than others are. And we like to compare. Why does her baby sleep through the night and mine doesn’t? Why is his wife dragging him into bed every night and mine has no interest in sex?

If you are on the losing end of that equation, you are probably trying to figure out what you can do to get some more. There are appropriate and inappropriate ways to deal with that. If someone is obsessed with sex, it is appropriate for them to use gentle, loving, techniques to try to convince a partner to have sex.  It is not appropriate to use force to get someone to have sex with you. It is also not particularly respectful to complain and push, complain and push, complain and push with intermittent reminders that you love the person until that person finally gives in. Same with sleep. If someone is obsessed with sleep, it is appropriate to use gentle, loving techniques to try to get your baby to sleep so that you can get more sleep too. It is not appropriate to force  a baby to sleep using methods like the extinction method of cry it out. It also isn’t particularly respectful to say you have to sleep now and I’m going to let you cry for a bit, remind you that I love you, let you cry for a bit more, remind you that I love you, and then let you cry some more again until you finally go to sleep (otherwise known as graduated extinction).

But it is different too. Sleep is a necessity. We need sleep to live. Sure, many of us can get by with less than desirable amounts of sleep, with constant interruptions to our sleep, but we do need it. We don’t need sex in the same way. We desire it, it is healthy, sometimes we want more of it and sometimes we want less of it. We may be obsessed with it, but we can survive without it. Does that make it okay to use force or disrespectful techniques to get sleep? I’ll let you decide for yourself. But for me the answer is a very clear and unequivocal no.

There are countries where it is appropriate, accepted, and normal for a husband to force his wife to have sex. They would call it normal, a wife’s duty. We don’t think that is acceptable. There are also countries where it is appropriate, accepted, and normal for parents to use cry it out to force their children to sleep.  They call it normal, a parenting choice. I don’t buy it. Just as we need to challenge cultures, religions, regimes that allow women to be disrespected in that way,  I believe that we need to challenge cultures, religions and regimes that allow babies to be disrespected in that way. (note: this paragraph was rephrased to address concerns).

Whether we are talking about sleep or sex, I conclude that a gentle, loving approach the best way to get it. It is the humane way to get it. It is the respectful way to get it.

Jack Spratt could eat no fat.

his wife could eat no lean.

So between the two of them,

they licked the platter clean.

Sounds close to the tale of my two little monkeys with diametrically opposed taste buds. Ironically, the only thing that appeared on both plates last night is also the only thing neither of them touched on their plate (the feta cheese).My husband and I had chicken souvlaki, greek salad, and pita bread with hummus. Here is what the kids had.

Son – 4 years: Chicken souvlaki, pita bread, feta cheese, and jar of mixed vegetable baby food (baby food is the only veggies he will touch…still).

Daughter – 2 years: Tomatoes, strawberries, feta cheese, foccacia croutons.

With fear and interest I picked up a copy of this book on a lovely visit to Chapters in Toronto with my friends Sam from babyREADY and Lindsay from Kickypants.

Overview

The byline for the book Slow Death by Rubber Duck is “how the toxic chemistry of everyday life affects our health“. The book systematically introduces, discusses and analyzes the impact of  a variety of chemicals that are far too common in our lives, including:

• phthalates
• Teflon (PFCs or perfluourinated compounds)
• polybrominated diphenyl ethers (PBDEs)  or flame retardants
• mercury
• triclosan (”antibacterial”)
• pesticides
• bisphenol A (BPA)

Each chapter includes a combination of stories about the everyday use of these products, scientific data and studies on actual environmental and human impacts, and first-hand tests that were carried out by the researchers to see if/how they could increase and decrease their own levels of these chemicals doing everyday things using everyday products.

What I Liked About this Book

The book provides a really great mix of sources on the impact of each of the chemicals that is discussed. It includes examples of the way that we are confronted with theses chemicals every day. It provides stories about the methods that industry uses to try to convince people of the safety of these chemicals or to hide the dangers of them. It references studies and cases where these chemicals have presented a real danger to human health. It gives first hand evidence from the authors experimenting on themselves of how the regular use of everyday products that contain these chemicals can lead to alarming levels of these products in our systems. This unique mixture of different sources and different approaches makes for a very compelling argument.

What I Didn’t Like About This Book

It scared me to death!

But beyond that, I wished that there had been more data from people other than the two authors. I wish that they had recruited more volunteers and done the experiments on more people to get a larger sample. I would have liked to have seen more information from the other people whose blood they tested (they tested the blood of people including many Canadian politicians).

I also wish the section on solutions had been more detailed. However, they do provide numerous additional resources that people can go to in order to get that information.

Recommendation

Buy this, borrow this, or take it out of the library. This is a must read eye opener. As Sophie Gregoire-Trudeau is quoted saying on the back of the book: “What could be more alarming than the toxic chemicals absorbed by our bodies every day? Our willful ignorance on the matter. Slow Death by Rubber Duck is a call to action for both governments and all Canadian citizens, but especially for us mothers, who are necessary for real social change“.

Buy the book from Amazon.com or from Amazon.ca.

I hope to write more about this book, what I learned, what I’m changing and how it is scaring me in the weeks to come.

Note: I know a lot of people in the United States want to get a hold of a copy of this book and have been having trouble doing so. You can try to get one from a third-party seller by clicking this link to the book’s Amazon.com page. I paid CDN $32.00  plus taxes in store, so if you find the book for between US$30 and US$40  that is probably a fair price. Another place you can try is on the buy the book page on the Slow Death By Rubber Duck website. It provides a few other options for getting the book, which appear to only be available to Canadians, but perhaps they will add American options over time.

Today I’m happy to have one of my fellow Students of Parenting guest posting about LLL. Give Heather a big welcome and show her some love in the comments.

I love La Leche League (LLL). I’ve been going almost every month since I was 4 months pregnant. I even stopped by LLL headquarters last August for a meeting because I was in town and it was the first day of World Breastfeeding Week- how else would you expect me to celebrate it? The people I’ve met at LLL have been supportive and some of us go to the same playgroup and it’s opened up many new friendships for me. I’m not a leader, but it’s something I’ve thought about for the future.

So when I run into people who don’t like LLL, it makes me sad. I’ve heard some people say that LLL is too pushy, the leaders too judgmental. It seems there are two types of people who say these things: those who have dealt with this personally, and those who have heard about it secondhand. To those of you who have not felt welcomed or felt judged by your local LLL, I’m very sorry. And to both groups, I’d like to share my own experiences with LLL.

I don’t know what happens at every meeting every month across the world, but I do know what happens at my LLL each month. I’ve been there so much, I know the welcome speech by heart:

“Welcome everyone. Before we start, we’d like to give a little background about LLL. LLL was started over 50 years ago by a group of seven women near Chicago who, at a picnic, were discussing their experiences with breastfeeding. They helped each other out, and soon more women were interested and started mailing them questions. The group spread and it is a worldwide organization today.”

Then they talk about memberships, but emphasize, “the important thing is that you’re here and that you get your questions answered. We encourage you to continue coming even if you don’t pay for a membership.

And they always end with, “We are all passionate and opinionated women here and if you hear something that doesn’t sound like it’ll work for your family, then don’t use it. We are all experts on our own babies and families and know what’s best for them better than anyone else. Now before we get into our scheduled topic for tonight, did anyone come with questions they’d like addressed first?”

And the meeting commences. I don’t know of a meeting that didn’t start with that disclaimer. When the meeting ends, they are usually careful to say, “That’s the end of the formal meeting. If there are other questions, we’ll stay around and answer them,” so that it is clear what is LLL opinion and what is the leader’s personal opinion. Sometimes someone comes with a request for pediatrician or midwife recommendation. I know the leaders have to be careful not to give the idea that LLL supports particular professionals, so they ask that such a question be discussed after the formal meeting has ended and when discussing it later, add the preface, “This is my opinion as a mother, not my opinion as a leader…” before giving recommendations.

With all those precautions and disclaimers, it’s hard for me to see how LLL comes off as “pushy.” I think it would be very hard to be an LLL leader and try to make sure you never say anything that could be construed as judgmental.  I came home from a meeting two months ago where nipple shields had been discussed. It sounds like either one of the area hospitals or simply the nurses on a particular shift gave a mom a nipple shield to use without any instruction beforehand. She left with the impression she was supposed to always use the nipple shield and came to LLL with questions about it.The mom was very open to the advice the leaders gave for weaning from the nipple shield, but I can definitely see the possibility of a new post partum mother taking advice roughly. Even the sentence, “Nipple shields can be useful for drawing out a flattened nipple on an engorged breast, but there are other things you can try,” could be taken as, “You obviously didn’t do enough breastfeeding research beforehand since you didn’t know about this…”

I don’t say that to get down on recently post partum women- I say that because I remember being the sensitive post partum woman who took things very personally. Our brains just make those jumps sometimes.

Another example comes from this month’s meeting. At one point it was mentioned that breastmilk digests faster than formula, so you don’t have to worry as much when your baby spits up after a meal if you breastfeed: it’s very likely that some of that got digested already. Could that be taken as “formula bashing?” It’s possible.

I know that there are other examples, and I know that there are some out there that are more extreme and more “pushy,” but I know that’s not what LLL wants to be known for. I do know that LLL has helped many moms. If you’re looking for free breastfeeding help, please ask them. They really do want to help. If you have been pushed away in the past, try it out again. I know the dynamic in our meetings varies greatly month to month depending on who is there. People move in and out. And the most important thing: people change.

What has your experience with LLL been? Was it positive or negative and why?

Heather Farley blogs as TopHat at http://itsallaboutthehat.blogspot.com.  She is a “student in parenting” and a lactivist, AP mom of a young toddler. She is most well-known for organizing the nurse-in at Facebook Headquarters last December.