Be forewarned before you invite me to your home that I am a horrible houseguest now that I have children. If you enjoy my company and the company of my family and are willing to put up with us, by all means invite us over. But please understand that I will not live up to the expectations of Miss Manners. I’m not trying to be rude or inconsiderate…..it’s just that my children’s safety and well being come first.
That means:
- I will ask you what’s for dinner. If it is something that my children will not eat or cannot eat, then I need time to arrange and prepare a seperate meal for them.
- I will ask you what time dinner is at. We usually eat at 6:00pm and put the kids to bed around 8:00pm. If you don’t eat until 8:30pm, I need to at least know this so that I can feed the kids earlier and put them to bed or give them a late nap and a snack so that they can wait for and stay up for a late dinner.
- I might not be able to always help prepare meals and/or clean up from meals. This could be because it is the “witching hour” and my kids are crabby. It could be because your house is not childproof and I need to ensure that my children don’t get hurt and your belongings don’t get destroyed. It could simply be because my children don’t know you and aren’t comfortable at your home and are therefore hanging off of me.
- I will close doors or move your belongings around. If you are close by, I will ask first, but if you’re not I’ll just go ahead and do it. I don’t want your things getting broken, I don’t want my children exploring where they shouldn’t be exploring, and I don’t want my children digging in your cat litter. It is usually easier to put something out of reach than to say “no” 10,000 times over the course of an hour.
- I might be forgetful and leave things lying around that I shouldn’t. I apologize if I forget my son’s underwear in the bathroom, neglect to pick up my daughter’s books before we go out, or put the diaper in the wrong garbage bin. Sometimes when chasing after two kids, other things slip my mind.
If you want me to be a better houseguest, ask me what the kids like/dislike, ask what time might be suitable for meals, ask what sleeping arrangements would suit us, tell me what I can bring to help with meals (rather than helping on the spot), and childproof your home.
If that is too much to ask, I understand. It doesn’t mean that we don’t like you. It just means that it might be difficult to visit and be a good guest. Despite being a horrible houseguest, I think I’m still a good hostess. So if we are too much to deal with at your house, we hope you’ll at least still come to visit us where the house is childproofed, the kids feel comfortable, and I can prepare the meals in advance so that we have time to hang out and chat while the kids play.
{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
I need to send this to people before I stay- it’s perfect!
Oh, goodness, thank you for this. Before having my son, my husband and I would frequently visit Orlando and stay with his cousin and her husband who live there. She is a super neat freak (at least she is the type who understands she has a problem) and I’d always feel like I was walking on eggshells there to not get anything dirty. She is so sweet and fun to hang out with, but it’s difficult for a natural slob like me to make sure I pick up every grain of rice I might drop on the floor or couch when eating. Since having a baby I really don’t like to stay with her. Her feelings get hurt when we stay in a hotel, but I cannot jump up right after dinner (during which my son was in my lap for the entire meal, making a mess, crawling all over me, etc) and start cleaning! I need a while to decompress, to sit on the couch without a body on me. Mealtime is work for me, I don’t just get to sit and enjoy my food. It’s so hard to explain, particularly to the childless, but this is very polite, so maybe I will say some of these things next time I see her.
Oh, goodness. You sound like a self-absorbed house guest, who should probably stay at home and dote on your kids. God forbid you should teach your children good manners and a few lessons in adaptability when a guest in another person’s home. Wouldn’t want those precious children of yours feeling the slightest bit of discomfort now, would we? Foods your children “will not” eat and moving around your host’s belongings? Gee whiz! How about teaching your kids to be grateful by politely eating what is served, and to not touch their host’s belongings? Sounds to me that you are taking the easy way out rather than teaching your children good etiquette skills and manners. Good luck with the results of that type of parenting. You sound like a nightmare house guest, who would never be welcome in my home. We have rules in our house, and if guests can’t follow those rules, then they aren’t welcome. Likewise, when I’m a guest in another person’s home, my family (children included) follow the host’s rules and graciously adapt our eating times to those of our host family.
Leaving your son’s underwear on the bathroom floor? Really?!
Sounds more like rudeness than it does forgetfulness.
Kara:
I’m glad your children were so good at “following rules, ” “politely eating what is served” and “not touching” and that they had such wonderful “etiquette skills and manners” when they were 1 year and 3 years old. Rather than being well-trained child geniuses, mine were regular toddlers.
Oh and don’t worry about us coming to visit. It isn’t going to happen. Because I don’t visit people who call me names.
I have to side with Kara. How dare you take the easy way out and move your host’s unicorn knick-knacks instead of teaching your kids, through repetition and repetition and possibly some smacking around, that you don’t touch unicorn knick-knacks that don’t belong to you.
Kids should be seen and not heard, and the unicorn knick-knacks should be seen and not moved.
Wow – Did you really just say “Kids should be seen and not heard…”? Really?! How old school…is that how you were brought up? Did this mentality, did it serve you well? In 2010 kids should be heard, they have rights and it is our job as parents to ensure they are heard. Shame on you. I would like to gently encourage you to re-evaluate that position and take a good hard look at how your kids interact. Please stop making them be something they aren’t (quiet), you risk damaging their very spirit.
I also said to smack them around.
Backpacking Dad:
I teach my kids to throw unicorn knick-knacks at hosts who do not jump at their every command.
You’re a monster.
We only have 900 sq ft, but should you ever need a place to stay in Portland, OR, you are MORE than welcome!
Oh, Kara, I so hope you do not have children, and if you do… that you provide them more leniency than you provided here. Every child is different, as is every parent along the journey. As is every willing host, and every house guest, as well. Let’s seek to respect one another, and recognize that human behavior— adult and child— is complex. And that sensitivity to the real and potential impact of a visit is critical to friendship and well worth expressing and adhering to. This will ultimately support parents to parent their children and participate in friendships, regardless of the ease of the endeavor.
I am exactly the same way and have never encountered a problem when staying with family. Keeping with our normal routine makes traveling easier on children and in turn, makes for a better visit for everyone. It just doesn’t make sense to me to expect any different. Children are not robots, trained to follow strict instructions, no matter the circumstances. I don’t consider that to be unreasonable or rude, rather human and loving. Heaven forbid we make allowances for special circumstances for anybody in life, jeez.
We just visited my In-laws for 5 days and they said over and over again how much they love having my three children and I come visit. Anyone who I like enough to visit doesn’t think like Kara.
P.S. I am assuming that Backpacking Dad is oozing sarcasm, but just in case, I am dusting off my unicorn knick-knacks. ;p
Kara,
Are you serious? Really? I would never force my kids to eat my cooking so I would never force them to graciously accept something they might not like. Granted, my kids are not picky so it is usually a non-issue. If someone won’t take the time to put collectables away knowing toddlers are coming over then yeah they have no right to bitch when one gets moved or broken. You can tell a 2 year old 5 billion times not to touch, however until they hit 5 or so it will not fully sink in. It can’t, the neural pathways are not fully developed for that.
Kara,
I dont force feed my kids ever, if they do not want to eat the food that is cooked by me or someone else that is their choice. One of my more traumatic memories as a kid was being forced the “graciously accept” the god awful cake my grandmother made that was filled with marmalade…. ugh
toddlers do not have the neural pathways to actually understand and remember “don’t touch” they might remember for a minute at best… they see it, they want it, that is all their little minds can comprehend. move your shit, or i will, or my kid could break it…. simple….
sorry for the double reply, i did not think the one from my phone went through…
Silicon Valley has a place for you and the kids Annie
If you ever want to come to Guelph, you’re more than welcome to come and stay with me. I can’t imagine not asking a houseguest what he or she likes and doesn’t like to eat and whether my usual meal times would work. Isn’t that part of being a considerate hostess? And who cares about underwear on the bathroom floor?
and if you are ever in North Battleford (yeah, I don’t blame you for not wanting to be! lol) you could stay here. Be forewarned, I’m a terrible housekeeper though!
I sent my short list and list of nice-to-haves in advance. I’m sure we can survive until Friday morning and do a little market run. Glad to hear I’m not the only one.
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