Comments on: Short-term versus long-term parenting

By: Lisa B

Lisa B — Sat, 25 Jun 2011 00:45:51 +0000

I think all parents if they are honest with themselves use both long term & short term parenting techniques. You’d have to or your’d go insane! I love my kids, I love them both dearly, but somedays I’m just at the end of my rope and to get out the house on time I put on my 3 year old’s shoes. He can do it himself & 90% of the time he does, but if we are running late instead of fighting with him, on they go.
Yes I want to raise 2 independent children who can do for themselves, and I will. I don’t let them cry it out, tried a couple of times & it just didn’t feel right, so we don’t do it. They sleep in their own beds to start out the night, but we stay with them while they go to sleep & if they need us in the middle of the night we go to them or they come in with us. I want them to know we are there for them if they need us, so Long Term I guess.
I too do not agree with the no praise thing. I praise my kids all the time. I tell them why I’m proud of them, but I also tell them why I’m frustrated or upset with them as well. I think you have to tell them both so they understand and can be encouraged to grow.
This is a great post. I like reading what you have to say though sometimes I don’t agree with everything in it. I’m not sure what type of parent I’d be called “attached” or “unattached” or anything. I just go with the flow & do what feels right to me.
Keep posting & I’ll keep reading.

By: Claire

Claire — Thu, 23 Jun 2011 03:48:11 +0000

@Cynthia re: praise. I think the point is to acknowledge and recognize effort and concentration rather than products. So, in your example, you were not honored and recognized for the work you did or the things you learnt, and I don’t think that’s what is being advocated here. I think the caution is against generalized, non-specific praise. If someone had looked at your A’s and made value judgements like “wow. A’s. You are so smart” it leads the child to see her value as limited. When she encounters something challenging she just thinks “oh, well I’m not smart at that” instead of recognizing the work or practice she needs to do to master a skill. Appropriate praise would be “you worked really hard for those grades. How do you feel?” Acknowledging is different from praise. There’s a great chapter about praise in the book NurtureShock. Another example is young children’s art. We often say “Beautiful. I love this….” An appropriate response, If asked for comment by the child, would be, “I see you used so much red. See where the red touches the blue? Hmm. You worked on this a long time on this painting.” Another thing to be mindful of is not interrupting concentration to make comments like “good job.” That takes the focus away from the child & what they are interested in and puts the focus on you. At least, this is what I have taken away from discussions about praise.

By: Mel (MilkChic)

Mel (MilkChic) — Mon, 20 Jun 2011 18:33:16 +0000

I love this post. It describes exactly what I feel is “good parenting”. I don’t always succeed, but when I parent this way, I feel good about myself. It takes patience and effort, but it is so much more rewarding all round.

By: Kendra

Kendra — Mon, 20 Jun 2011 17:24:09 +0000

I love this post. My daughter often plays the ‘I can’t do it’ game when she is feeling needy. So, she asks me to put her shoes on when what she really wants is a hug, so I figure this out, give her the hug, encourage her to put on her shoes, and then try to discuss the difference between dependence and interdependence in four-year-old terms…. aaaaaand it’s an hour later. I’d have to say that I employ a mix of short-term and long-term parenting, every day. It’s really the best I can do.

By: Shoshana

Shoshana — Mon, 20 Jun 2011 13:31:33 +0000

I think this is a great post. I’m not sure that I agree with the “Good job” concept. In Haim Ginott’s book “Between Parent and Child” he talks about praising the action, not the child, and I agree with that. I think that telling your child that you’re proud of them for a specific action lets them know that you notice the great things that they are doing and learning, which in my opinion, is good long term parenting. Other than this, I really agree with everything else you’ve written here, and it’s nice to know that I’m not the only one who doesn’t want my kid to CIO, eat fast food, or have a DVD player in the back of the car. Life’s too short to be a short-term parent, I think.

By: Germs or Chemicals: What Is More Dangerous? | Dinker and Giggles

Germs or Chemicals: What Is More Dangerous? | Dinker and Giggles — Wed, 15 Dec 2010 12:05:47 +0000

[...] approach or philosophy that I want to talk about at greater length in a future post, that being short-term parenting versus long-term parenting. I see the fear of germs as being part of short-term parenting - e.g. I don’t want my child to [...]

By: KC

KC — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 15:03:53 +0000

I find your post interesting, because so often your “long-term parenting” is touted as otherwise in mainstream parenting thinking. Primarily, that because we’ve not “sleep-trained” our daughter, and because we bring her into bed with us when she won’t settle in her crib at night (therefore satisfying her immediate need for comfort, I like to think, and enabling a good night sleep for all), we’re going to end up in a lot of trouble in the future because she’ll apparently never learn to sleep in her own bed and we’ll have indulged her too much. And sometimes I worry about this, of course, but it’s nice to know that we’re choosing to do right now could more likely have positive effects on her future. So thank you.

By: Best anti-spanking resources | PhD in Parenting

Best anti-spanking resources | PhD in Parenting — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 14:34:45 +0000

[...] The article also talks about the ill-effects of spanking and raises the point that scientists that have done this research have not been as vocal about it as proponents of spanking have been. Also parents often see the temporary compliance that results from spanking as a sign of “success”, not realizing that this short-term gain has lots of long-term negative consequences (again, the reason we need to focus on long-term parenting versus short-term parenting). [...]

By: The evils of schedules | PhD in Parenting

The evils of schedules | PhD in Parenting — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 21:29:23 +0000

[...] a schedule for a baby or a child is a way of achieving short-term goals with regards to a child’s behaviour. Unfortunately, I don’t think that people have [...]

By: Cynthia

Cynthia — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 05:44:34 +0000

I know this is an old post, but I’m reading through Kohn’s “Unconditional Parenting” book right now. So far I’m really enjoying it and agreeing with what he’s saying, but I just can’t wrap my head around the whole praise thing.

When I was a kid (this example always sticks out in my mind), I once brought home a report card that was all A+’s except for one A. Instead of a “good job!” for all the A+’s, I got a “what happened here?” for the A. I would have loved to hear a “good job”. I worked hard in school and instead of having that be acknowledged, I got questioned on the one “low” mark I received.

Maybe I’m wrong, but I find it’s always nice to have your hard work acknowledged. It shouldn’t be the reason you do the hard work in the first place, but it’s nice nonetheless. When I make my husband a good meal, for example, I do it because I love him – but darned if I don’t appreciate it when he tells me what a delicious meal it was. When I put extra effort into a work project, I don’t do it for the praise – but it sure is nice when my boss notices and acknowledges the hard work I’ve done. So I really don’t understand the idea of not offering that same considerate praise to our children when they do something particularly well or put in some hard work.

I just can’t seem to wrap my brain around what Kohn is trying to say here. I get it on one level…but then I think about it some more and just don’t.