I snuggle him, and try to help him calm down, but if it doesn’t work then I let him sit nearby (on the floor, usually, where he can’t fling himself dramatically to the ground) and work it out.

This, in particular, is brilliant: “So rather than telling my children to stop crying or trying to distract them from that temper tantrum with an offer to play a game, go to the park or have a cookie, I’m going to try to let them cry, to hold them while they cry, and to help them to express their emotions. I’m going to validate their feelings rather than minimizing them. I’m going to allow them to be frustrated and accept that it is okay and that I can’t fix everything for them. I’m going to accept that the things that upset them sometimes seem silly to me, but that they are monumentally important to them and I need to respect that.”

Where I disagree is that you need to be holding your child in order to comfort them. I don’t think leaving them alone to cry is harmful in any way. Depending on the child. My daughter has taught me this lesson over and over and over again. From a very young age (like 5 months) she communicated very clearly to me that sometimes she wants to be in Mommy or Daddy’s arms and other times she wants her space. Truly, she is a lot like me. I prefer to be alone when I am upset/stressed or tired. I think part of respecting our child’s emotions is respecting that not all children need the same things from their parents to work through those emotions. So, for some children and some parents this ‘crying in arms’ approach is brilliant and of others (like my kid) it just doesn’t work.

Although like TheFeministBreeder, the cause is hugely important. Pain, illness, fear – these should not be dismissed or distracted away as that does not teach trust in those that give care. Confusion, impeded process, immature ability to express, these warrant facilitation. Behavior, demands that will not be met, manipulation – those do not warrant reinforcement.

I don’t like crying in arms as a panacea to a distressed child. I believe crying/tantrums are situational and the situation warrants a quick parental analysis. I also believe that children need to learn that while they are always entitled to have emotions, that that does not always mean that they get gratification in response to them if their emotions are stressful to others. That’s a lesson that is learned slowly but still needs to be taught.

I really want her to have a positive experience when she is expressing herself, both when she’s happy and when she’s sad.

One of the main things I do with her to help with tantrums is we go through photos and she points out which one’s are happy, sad, angry, frustrated etc so that she can start to put a name to her feelings and they aren’t so scary when they do happen.

I cry – I get food.
I cry – I get a diaper change.
I cry – I go to bed.
I cry – I get a cuddle.

Can we blame them for trying to use it to get a cookie? Or more time playing at the park? I hate to use the word, but it’s an accurate descriptor – children have learned to manipulate situations. It doesn’t help that very young ones don’t know the difference between want and need. In many cases, I don’t believe #4 is always the best option, particularly for strong-willed children like my son who start resorting to hitting when they aren’t getting their way. I’m not going to hit him back, but I have to get the message across that hitting isn’t acceptable, which usually involves a form of discipline (not humiliation) like removing him from the situation until he’s calmed down.