Comments on: Teach, don’t train

By: Heather

Heather — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 01:35:07 +0000

It started as just an instinct–I said it suddenly when our then 8-month-old reached for the African Grey’s cage and she froze and looked at me. I’m sure it was largely the tone of panic in my voice, lol, but it continued to work. Rarely had to use it and when I do, the reaction is basically instant, although I sometimes say it twice in quick succession, but that’s probably the sci-fi nerd in me

By: phdinparenting

phdinparenting — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 04:27:14 +0000

So help me out then, Chrissie. What does training mean to you?

By: Chrissie

Chrissie — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 03:21:35 +0000

Yes, what I was thinking exactly. I’m not sure the author of this post entirely understands what “training” means to those parents who do it. I train and teach my children, and I definitely don’t think of them as dogs, nor do they feel like dogs. They learn while working and playing right along with me, and they learn to obey me even when they don’t understand why, because sometimes I do know better.

By: phdinparenting

phdinparenting — Sat, 28 Aug 2010 18:55:11 +0000

Heather:

I love the idea of saying “Danger” instead of “No” or “Stop”.

By: Heather

Heather — Sat, 28 Aug 2010 18:49:28 +0000

Two great mean talked on power and how to obtain it. Very famous is Niccolo Machiavelli (where the term “Machiavellian” came from): “I would rather you love me, but if not love, fear will do.”
Machiavelli is famous for cunning tactics through deceit. Getting the job done without pesky ethics in the way.

Next we have possibly even more famous, Monhandas Gandhi: “Power is of two kinds. One is obtained by the fear of punishment and the other by acts of love. Power based on love is a thousand times more effective and permanent then the one derived from fear of punishment.”

Both agree that love is preferable, but Gandhi points out that fear is not only worse, but ineffective and temporary.

“Training” relies on fear and anticipation. Fear of punishment and anticipation of rewards.

On a previous comment–if I shout, “Danger!” my untrained children stop. They understand that it is an immediate need and they stop and wait for me to identify the danger, possibly even returning to me if they themselves identify it first. They don’t question “Why?” because I didn’t say, “Stop!” I was specific in my warning/instruction. No ‘training’ needed. I am their teacher and they trust me.

Of course with that particular scenario, I wouldn’t just be standing there, shouting, I would be hauling my ass and more likely shouting, “Danger! Snake!” and you can darn well bet that my kid is going to stop and wait for rescue!

By: Rebecca

Rebecca — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 17:31:48 +0000

I totally agree! I hear too much about sleep training (crate training) and teaching behaviours (potty use, etc.) using rewards (standard strategies in animal training, and many types of autism intervention (IBI anyone?). I get why these techniques are used – behavioural conditioning works when trying to elicit desired behaviours quickly – but as you point out, kids don’t often learn to solve problems when those strategies are used and sometimes those skills that are trained don’t even generalize to other situations.

Our kids deserve more “respect” than training gives them.

Oh, and a little rant here, but I even know several people who wouldn’t think twice about letting their dogs sleep with them, but gasp in horror when I mention that my daughter often shares our bed.

By: Our Sentiments

Our Sentiments — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 14:26:04 +0000

I fully agree with training, I would not even train my dog, never mind my children. If I had a dog I would look to a behaviorist (someone like Caesar – The Dog Whisperer, I love him), not a trainer. We are both animals and we both deserve respect. Like you said training takes instinct away. We are born with it, we need it.

By: lushka

lushka — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 14:23:17 +0000

@Melissa, no, not semantics. A very important distinction. Must be nice to be able to diss someone’s hard work and thoughtful post with a single word.

Anyway, off the hijack. Annie, I think this is a great post. We are doing a bit of casual elimination communication with our 1 year old (basically he just gets chances to sit on the potty now and then, when he’s giving signals of impending poop or when it’s convenient, e.g. before a bath). I sent my mom a photo of him reading on the potty and she replied something to the effect that she was pleased we were starting potty training early. I took the time to say that, no, we’re not potty training him, he’s learning how to use the potty. Two different things. There’s no regimented schedule, no force, no bribes or rewards, just introduction, opportunity and enjoyment. If he rejects the potty, we take him off and do something else. To me, that’s the essence of learning rather than training.

By: Melissa

Melissa — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 00:21:15 +0000

semantics

By: It takes a village to raise a child | PhD in Parenting

It takes a village to raise a child | PhD in Parenting — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 12:53:13 +0000

[...] can take some of the burden off of us, but it requires a good dose of patience and a focus on teaching, not training our children. It requires confidence in our [...]