As well, I get the feeling that you don’t consider praise or other positive verbal feedback to be a reward. I’m guessing they are what you call teaching. But I think praise or criticism are the strongest rewards and punishments as they can be given instantly, at any time without being used up. I do distinguish that from instruction and demonstrating, which is more what I call “teaching”.

I’m with you in that object rewards are not that good. Normally if my kid wants chocolate he just has to ask for it or get it. I don’t withhold anything just for when he behaves because I don’t withhold it from myself just for when I behave. I do sometimes like them as something very special — but even then I make it more about the child getting extra special treatment not the object; “Ok, we’re going to go to the store and you can pick out any candy, take it up to the cashier and buy it.” like my son is a big special 3 year old man, but he’s also learning how to read prices and pay for things.

Anyway, my comment is that it’s sometimes hard to know what people are talking about if the words all mean different things to different people. We could eventually argue while both having the same position

Firstly, I am a behaviour-nerd. I think if punishment in it’s literal sense; something added that decreases a behaviour. This could be something abusive (a smack) or it could be in the realm of consequences (I drawded on the wall so I haff to clean it off”). Or it could be “negative punishment”; ie. something taken away to make behaviour decrease. Loss of a privilege for example… Again, consequences.

In the same vein, I tend to think of “rewards” as reinforcers or bribes. Reinforcers: something added to make a behaviour increase. While you may not think you use them, you do. All the time. When you smile, hug, thank, kiss… All these things are “reinforcers”. A feeling of satisfaction in a job well done is just as much a reward as a new toy. I’m guessing you try to lean on “internal reinforcers” rather than material ones, but they are still there, and still shaping your Childs behaviour and responses to you and the world, whether you recognise this fact or not. The Bob the Builder toy is a bribe. Bribes are something I try not to utilise with my child.

I like how your sweet spot leans so far to the left…. The secret to good parenting is to know when to sit on your hands and let them find their own way….

Thank you, I loved this post

We have friends and family with different rules in their home, or different styles of parenting, and my children recognize this and tell us that our system works. They actually like knowing there are rules in place to keep everyone happy and safe.

Great post, Annie. The illustration is perfect!