Comments on: Friendship and Parenting Styles

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Sun, 21 Nov 2010 06:53:37 +0000

I just found this post – it’s exactly what my husband and I were discussing this morning after a recent conversation with my girlfriend. We’ve known each other for ten years and were thrilled when we became pregnant at the same time. We both chose natural births so I thought their parenting styles would reflect similar gentle choices.

I have been supportive of her choices, even though I haven’t always agreed. But the other day she called to get me to, maybe jokingly (?) talk her out of not leaving her 7 month-old baby (who was crying in the background) in the car by himself while she ran into Babies R Us. Then just yesterday she called and said she was going to start letting her son CIO because he has woken up twice recently wanting about 1.5 ounces of formula. She insists he doesn’t need it and I plead with her to reconsider and offered to send her info on CIO. She’d definitely made up her mind.

After talking it over with my husband (and kind of rehashing some other behaviors we’ve noticed), we decided to no longer pursue their friendship. As you said, it comes down to a matter of respect, and we’ve lost it for this family.

I also never thought I could break off a friendship over “parenting styles,” but it is so much more than that, it’s about how one human treats another. And unfortunately some people lack empathy for others – and even more sad, some of those people are parents.

(Sorry to post anonymously!)

By: Jenna

Jenna — Fri, 19 Nov 2010 01:42:52 +0000

This comes at remarkable timing for me. I just wrote a blog post about “Dropping out of the Mompetition,” and among other things, I said that I do judge moms who do things I think are abusive or neglectful. I think “crying it out” (I don’t even like giving it the cop-out initials CIO to mask what it really means) falls into that category. A member of my moms’ group lambasted me for thinking I’m “superior” to her. That ended that possible friendship.

So, in short, no, I don’t think I could be close friends with a mom who chooses to do things I can’t abide– like crying it out. It would always bother me that I would feel they’re doing something so disrespectful to their children.

By: Tamara

Tamara — Thu, 18 Nov 2010 22:51:34 +0000

Great post! I never would have thought differing parenting styles could jeopardize a friendship, but I’ve had it happen. I think its especially hard when you have two brand new parents who are both unsure of their decisions — it feels like every choice your friend makes is a criticism of your own choices. Sometimes you need to take a bit of a break until you both feel more comfortable in your choices. A strong friendship should be able to survive.

By: adventuresinbabywearing

adventuresinbabywearing — Thu, 18 Nov 2010 22:37:33 +0000

I think we go about this similarly. I am a lover, and a people-pleaser, so I have all kinds of friends BUT I always stand firm in how I parent and wouldn’t continue surrounding myself by someone that couldn’t respect my parenting style. I feel like if I am willing to give them a chance and hear them out, then the same should be done for me. And if that can’t happen, it’s not a true friendship. My circle of close friends has a wide array of parenting styles but at the end of the day, we see things with a healthy perspective. Anytime I start feeling a negative vibe, my heart starts checking out.

Steph

By: Stephanie

Stephanie — Thu, 18 Nov 2010 22:27:50 +0000

You answered this question with wonderful candor, Annie! I appreciate that you didn’t give the standard one-line about “all families are different and we can all be the best of friends despite our differences.” Parenting choices DO impact friendships. That’s not to say, of course, that we can’t be friends with people of different opinions (we can!)…but a certain amount of respect and graciousness must be present between all parties.

By: Daniela

Daniela — Wed, 17 Nov 2010 09:46:00 +0000

I think it depends on what kind of friendship is in question, and how ‘deep’ it is. I have friends who formula feed for example, and I’m a BF activist and am often in the local media supporting BF. I’m ok with their formula feeding as long as they dont make it an issue – I have a neighbour for example who is an (uninformed) formula feeder who insists on making BF comments every time she sees me. Needless to say my opinion of her is very low, not because of her parenting choices but because she doesn’t respect the choices of others.

On the other hand, if I had a friend who I felt was totally disrespecting her children or torturing them, I don’t think I would maintain the friendship becuase parenting would just be the outlet through which I would see another facet of that person’s personality – and I likely wouldn’t want that kind of person around me.

Great post, thought provoking as always

By: Megan

Megan — Tue, 16 Nov 2010 18:12:52 +0000

Fantastic post. I think respect is the key issue. If I cannot respect a friend for whatever reason, it will put a strain on our friendship. If our values are so far removed, there is very little chance that a friendship will thrive.

By: Theresa

Theresa — Tue, 16 Nov 2010 17:13:54 +0000

I’m totally dealing with this issue right now too, specifically with one group of friends. I thought that since we were all having kids around the same time, it would bring us closer together. Instead, I’m feeling more and more distant from them every time we get together because our parenting choices are so different. They are constantly pitying me because my baby doesn’t sleep through the night regularly, because I haven’t let him cry-it-out like they have. They encourage me to sleep train him all the time. They also pity me because I can’t leave my baby – he needs to be nursed to sleep. They laugh about how their own kids are lacking compassion. They talk about spanking their kids, and although they do feel pained by it, I can tell they feel defensive around me because they know I don’t agree with their choices.

The one good thing about them is they give me fodder for my blog! How terrible is that? My husband and I are seriously evaluating whether or not it’s worth continuing the relationships. We’ll see!

By: Does becoming a parent restrict your social circle? | PhD in Parenting

Does becoming a parent restrict your social circle? | PhD in Parenting — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 04:04:28 +0000

[...] that are having children at the same time as them. This is harder than it may appear in some cases, especially when parenting styles clash. I think it is sometimes much easier to maintain a strong relationship with a childless friend who [...]

By: Christina G

Christina G — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 04:17:57 +0000

What a great answer to my question! Thank you!

I hadn’t thought of the vegetarian thing before. I’m not a vegetarian, but I have friends who are and that’s the greener, Earth-friendlier choice, so I could totally understand if they had issues with my meat eating. I think keeping that in mind will help me be more open-minded to parenting choices that differ from my own. But you’re right, if I don’t respect someone, it will be hard to maintain a friendship.

Thanks again, and now I’m going to go add your blog to our blogroll!