Comments on: Typology of the Bad Mother http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/06/06/typology-of-the-bad-mother/ ...exploring the art and science of parenting Sat, 11 Feb 2012 15:24:55 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3 By: missy http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/06/06/typology-of-the-bad-mother/#comment-233329 missy Wed, 01 Feb 2012 04:07:59 +0000 http://www.phdinparenting.com/?p=1914#comment-233329 My husband said I was a bad mother because we argued a lot, and I didn't like the way he treated the children and me. My husband said I was a bad mother because we argued a lot, and I didn’t like the way he treated the children and me.

]]> By: If there is a silver bullet, your toddler probably hid it — PhD in Parenting http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/06/06/typology-of-the-bad-mother/#comment-208529 If there is a silver bullet, your toddler probably hid it — PhD in Parenting Fri, 16 Dec 2011 05:00:15 +0000 http://www.phdinparenting.com/?p=1914#comment-208529 [...] There are hard days and there are amazing days. There are days when your toddler is fun, and loving, and cute. But there are also days when your toddler is frustrating, and stubborn and difficult. There are days when you are an amazing parent. But there are also days where you feel like the worst parent in the world (I know because you’ve told me and because people Google “I’m a bad mother” every day and end up on my blog). [...] [...] There are hard days and there are amazing days. There are days when your toddler is fun, and loving, and cute. But there are also days when your toddler is frustrating, and stubborn and difficult. There are days when you are an amazing parent. But there are also days where you feel like the worst parent in the world (I know because you’ve told me and because people Google “I’m a bad mother” every day and end up on my blog). [...]

]]> By: Misty http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/06/06/typology-of-the-bad-mother/#comment-140641 Misty Thu, 30 Jun 2011 18:29:34 +0000 http://www.phdinparenting.com/?p=1914#comment-140641 Hi Worried Mom: I just saw this post, and also had to comment. I'm so happy you've become a "relieved" Mom because of such a great outpouring of support from this blogging community. My daughter had GERD (gastroesophageal reflux disease) as a baby, and I will be honest that I scared myself a couple of times in dealing with the stress of a sick/screaming baby 24/7. There was once or twice when I remember putting her down roughly in her crib, and then crying for hours over the damage I perceived I had done to her (both physically and emotionally). We all get pushed to the limit as mothers, especially those of us dealing with kids with special needs (and for myself, postpartum depression). I applaud you for speaking out, because I still find it hard to talk about those situations with my friends/family. But the more I have discussed the uncontrollable rage I felt back then, the more I hear the same from other mothers, and I feel comforted in sharing all of my flaws! I wish you ALL the best in your search for support, and regardless of some things that you feel you need to work on, I think you are the "perfect" mom, just as you are. Hi Worried Mom: I just saw this post, and also had to comment. I’m so happy you’ve become a “relieved” Mom because of such a great outpouring of support from this blogging community. My daughter had GERD (gastroesophageal reflux disease) as a baby, and I will be honest that I scared myself a couple of times in dealing with the stress of a sick/screaming baby 24/7. There was once or twice when I remember putting her down roughly in her crib, and then crying for hours over the damage I perceived I had done to her (both physically and emotionally). We all get pushed to the limit as mothers, especially those of us dealing with kids with special needs (and for myself, postpartum depression). I applaud you for speaking out, because I still find it hard to talk about those situations with my friends/family. But the more I have discussed the uncontrollable rage I felt back then, the more I hear the same from other mothers, and I feel comforted in sharing all of my flaws! I wish you ALL the best in your search for support, and regardless of some things that you feel you need to work on, I think you are the “perfect” mom, just as you are.

]]> By: worried mom http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/06/06/typology-of-the-bad-mother/#comment-140640 worried mom Thu, 30 Jun 2011 18:20:38 +0000 http://www.phdinparenting.com/?p=1914#comment-140640 thank you! very helpful...adhd runs on my hsubands side as well as his genetic disorder...a few of our nephews have it and their parents struggle too...of course they dont live any where near me and ive only met them 2 times so venting to an unseen face seems better...again thank u...its nice to hear from someone who has grown up with it first hand and i will look into those websites...thank u again! thank you! very helpful…adhd runs on my hsubands side as well as his genetic disorder…a few of our nephews have it and their parents struggle too…of course they dont live any where near me and ive only met them 2 times so venting to an unseen face seems better…again thank u…its nice to hear from someone who has grown up with it first hand and i will look into those websites…thank u again!

]]> By: worried mom http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/06/06/typology-of-the-bad-mother/#comment-140634 worried mom Thu, 30 Jun 2011 17:57:23 +0000 http://www.phdinparenting.com/?p=1914#comment-140634 to all of you who responded to my distress call...thank you...i have never reached out, beyond my husband and mother, to talk about my issues...all i ever get from them is a "don't do it again" and indeed, they do say i'm not a bad mom but there is nothing worse than self-condemnation...to read what others blogged and vent eased my worries beyond measure...i now see this is one of the many ways to go to relieve stress/self-loss...i will take everyones advice and reach out in the recomended ways and know that they will work because even venting my worries has eased of a huge burden of self doubt...thank you all again and this website is now a book mark on my computer...thanks again - no longer worried mom, now relieved mom :) to all of you who responded to my distress call…thank you…i have never reached out, beyond my husband and mother, to talk about my issues…all i ever get from them is a “don’t do it again” and indeed, they do say i’m not a bad mom but there is nothing worse than self-condemnation…to read what others blogged and vent eased my worries beyond measure…i now see this is one of the many ways to go to relieve stress/self-loss…i will take everyones advice and reach out in the recomended ways and know that they will work because even venting my worries has eased of a huge burden of self doubt…thank you all again and this website is now a book mark on my computer…thanks again – no longer worried mom, now relieved mom :)

]]> By: phdinparenting http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/06/06/typology-of-the-bad-mother/#comment-140632 phdinparenting Thu, 30 Jun 2011 17:52:25 +0000 http://www.phdinparenting.com/?p=1914#comment-140632 ((hug)) None of us has perfect patience. For me, I have a lot of trouble staying patient if I am overwhelmed or if I have things other than the kids that are stressing me out. The more I have on my plate, including both the kids and non-kid things, the harder it becomes to stay patient. I lost my patience as well last night and I apologized to my daughter afterward. None of us perfect and I think it helps for our kids to see us as human as well. We all need breaks and support and I hope that you can find some. Here are links to a few other posts that might help: http://www.phdinparenting.com/2010/11/19/ready-to-snap/ http://www.phdinparenting.com/2008/12/14/patient-parenting/ ((hug))

None of us has perfect patience.

For me, I have a lot of trouble staying patient if I am overwhelmed or if I have things other than the kids that are stressing me out. The more I have on my plate, including both the kids and non-kid things, the harder it becomes to stay patient. I lost my patience as well last night and I apologized to my daughter afterward. None of us perfect and I think it helps for our kids to see us as human as well.

We all need breaks and support and I hope that you can find some.

Here are links to a few other posts that might help:

http://www.phdinparenting.com/2010/11/19/ready-to-snap/

http://www.phdinparenting.com/2008/12/14/patient-parenting/

]]> By: Megan Carr http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/06/06/typology-of-the-bad-mother/#comment-140620 Megan Carr Thu, 30 Jun 2011 16:07:05 +0000 http://www.phdinparenting.com/?p=1914#comment-140620 Hi Worried Mum! I haven't read through all the other poster's comments, but I just wanted to add my experiences of ADHD (as someone who has it). Firstly, you're not a bad mother! ADHD is so difficult to cope with at any level and whoever has it, the whole family are affected in one way or another. My thinking through reading your post is- ADHDers HATE being told what to do. It makes my blood boil that I'm not allowed to spend my day doing 100 things that don't count towards anything! I'm wound up very easily and I snap at my loved ones and would be violent towards my sister when we were younger. It's not your sons fault and you need to make everyone around you aware of that. Being told off by anyone other than my parents made me feel like everyone was against me. It's important for your sanity to pick your battles. It might feel like you're getting nowhere constantly because he's constantly 'not listening' (his head is elsewhere) or disobeying your orders (finishing what hes doing before trying whatever it is out his way before he decides that his way is how he wants to do it - we're a creative and inventive bunch!) If he's not harming anyone, let him carry on. He might look like he's being naughty, but letting an ADHDer have some freedom, makes life a lot less stressful for all parties. Keep disapline routines for when he is being truly naughty. There are lots of ADHD message boards for parents in your situation and there might be a local support group near you. Have you tested yourself for ADHD? It's genetic. You may be feeling stress more because of it? You might think 'no way!' but it's worth a look in. Try the free DORE test online. Sorry if my post seems a bit messy or off, I've had my head in the clouds and as I'm breastfeeding, I'm off meds! If you want me, I'm bigauntiemeg@ googlemail.com or bigauntiemeg on twitter Lastly, you're clearly a loving mother who wants the best for her son. Chin up! Xxx Hi Worried Mum! I haven’t read through all the other poster’s comments, but I just wanted to add my experiences of ADHD (as someone who has it). Firstly, you’re not a bad mother! ADHD is so difficult to cope with at any level and whoever has it, the whole family are affected in one way or another. My thinking through reading your post is- ADHDers HATE being told what to do. It makes my blood boil that I’m not allowed to spend my day doing 100 things that don’t count towards anything! I’m wound up very easily and I snap at my loved ones and would be violent towards my sister when we were younger. It’s not your sons fault and you need to make everyone around you aware of that. Being told off by anyone other than my parents made me feel like everyone was against me.

It’s important for your sanity to pick your battles. It might feel like you’re getting nowhere constantly because he’s constantly ‘not listening’ (his head is elsewhere) or disobeying your orders (finishing what hes doing before trying whatever it is out his way before he decides that his way is how he wants to do it – we’re a creative and inventive bunch!) If he’s not harming anyone, let him carry on. He might look like he’s being naughty, but letting an ADHDer have some freedom, makes life a lot less stressful for all parties. Keep disapline routines for when he is being truly naughty. There are lots of ADHD message boards for parents in your situation and there might be a local support group near you. Have you tested yourself for ADHD? It’s genetic. You may be feeling stress more because of it? You might think ‘no way!’ but it’s worth a look in. Try the free DORE test online.

Sorry if my post seems a bit messy or off, I’ve had my head in the clouds and as I’m breastfeeding, I’m off meds! If you want me, I’m bigauntiemeg@ googlemail.com or bigauntiemeg on twitter

Lastly, you’re clearly a loving mother who wants the best for her son. Chin up! Xxx

]]> By: Anastasia Irvine http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/06/06/typology-of-the-bad-mother/#comment-140607 Anastasia Irvine Thu, 30 Jun 2011 14:28:50 +0000 http://www.phdinparenting.com/?p=1914#comment-140607 You are not a bad mom! It's a challenge to raise kids and the fact that you don't want this to continue shows that you love him! I remember as a kid my mom was stressed to the limits with 8 children at home and my youngest sister has Cerebral Palsy. I remember on several occasions she couldn't take it anymore, things were too difficult and she would end up lashing out at us, slapping or saying something regrettable. I don't hold it against her as an adult, and I would never say those actions made her a bad mother. I think the difference in a bad mother and a good mother who makes mistakes is assuring the child that it was wrong to take it out on them, and that even when we make mistakes as mothers we still love them very much and will try to improve. Don't be to hard on yourself, you sound like a very loving mother! You are not a bad mom! It’s a challenge to raise kids and the fact that you don’t want this to continue shows that you love him! I remember as a kid my mom was stressed to the limits with 8 children at home and my youngest sister has Cerebral Palsy. I remember on several occasions she couldn’t take it anymore, things were too difficult and she would end up lashing out at us, slapping or saying something regrettable. I don’t hold it against her as an adult, and I would never say those actions made her a bad mother. I think the difference in a bad mother and a good mother who makes mistakes is assuring the child that it was wrong to take it out on them, and that even when we make mistakes as mothers we still love them very much and will try to improve.

Don’t be to hard on yourself, you sound like a very loving mother!

]]> By: Loralee http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/06/06/typology-of-the-bad-mother/#comment-140604 Loralee Thu, 30 Jun 2011 14:16:20 +0000 http://www.phdinparenting.com/?p=1914#comment-140604 Oh, honey. *HUGS* You have a lot on your plate, both emotionally and physically. You are NOT a bad mother, you had some bad behavior and reactions in this scenario. HUGE, HUGE difference. HUGE. I never, ever, like EVER speak of this on my own blog, but I grew up in a very angry household. My parents loved me (and our relationship now is really, really good) but my father used to whip the hell out of me with belts, yardsticks, brushes, brooms, whatever was in reach. His spankings left welts. He was angry ALL. THE. TIME. I grew up in utter fear I would abuse my own children. If not with my hands, with my own pent up anger that I felt. Then I left home and much of that left. (I'm a pretty jovial chick. Ask anyone. :) ) BUT...it didn't mean that I didn't have some inner reactions to things that came from my upbringing. I spent years working on my reactions and feelings and I can count the number of times I have spanked my children (3 living, one deceased ages 15-2 yrs) on well under 2 hands and the only reason that they have been spanked is when they have done something to put them in great danger (like they ran out into the busy street) and my husband and I WANTED it to be a highly negative moment so they would understand and equate it with DO NOT DO THIS to keep them safe. BUT... Sometimes in the heat of the moment, I feel that jerk instinct to lash out physically at them. And at times it's gone so far as to swat a leg harder than I realized. And I snip and yell much more than I like. And it is almost ALWAYS when I am at a point where things have piled up on me with emotional and/or physical stresses. And when I realize that is happening I work to take that stress away. When that gets manageable so does my behavior. I am no doctor and I don't know your situation. Medication might be necessary for underlying issues (and there is no shame in that), but to me this doesn't speak of needing medication as much as needing someone to talk to so that you can work through all the frustrations that come with your situation. To find a way to give you a 'moment' where you can think and catch your breath before you physically react The phrase "getting help" is lame. Sometimes finding help is hard, intimidating and expensive. BUT...if you cannot afford or find a therapist or don't like them (I confess to not being the biggest fan of traditional therapy), there are SO many ways to get your stress down. Yoga, meditation, finding some moments to just be quiet and calm. You need to fight to get that time, even if it's hard. Consider it as important as eating and breathing. Also...and this is huge....do you have a system of support with other people that 'GET" your situation? (I googled and it looks like there are a lot of possibilities for NF1 online support) When my son died, I was saved by blogging. Because I had support of people who got what I was going through. That I could reach out to and be understood and who I could bounce things off of. It was invaluable to me. I don't know if any of this helps, I just hope that you know that many of us have compassion and I hope that you can be gentle with yourself.xo Oh, honey.

*HUGS*

You have a lot on your plate, both emotionally and physically.

You are NOT a bad mother, you had some bad behavior and reactions in this scenario. HUGE, HUGE difference.

HUGE.

I never, ever, like EVER speak of this on my own blog, but I grew up in a very angry household. My parents loved me (and our relationship now is really, really good) but my father used to whip the hell out of me with belts, yardsticks, brushes, brooms, whatever was in reach. His spankings left welts.

He was angry ALL. THE. TIME.

I grew up in utter fear I would abuse my own children. If not with my hands, with my own pent up anger that I felt.

Then I left home and much of that left. (I’m a pretty jovial chick. Ask anyone. :) )

BUT…it didn’t mean that I didn’t have some inner reactions to things that came from my upbringing. I spent years working on my reactions and feelings and I can count the number of times I have spanked my children (3 living, one deceased ages 15-2 yrs) on well under 2 hands and the only reason that they have been spanked is when they have done something to put them in great danger (like they ran out into the busy street) and my husband and I WANTED it to be a highly negative moment so they would understand and equate it with DO NOT DO THIS to keep them safe.

BUT…

Sometimes in the heat of the moment, I feel that jerk instinct to lash out physically at them. And at times it’s gone so far as to swat a leg harder than I realized. And I snip and yell much more than I like. And it is almost ALWAYS when I am at a point where things have piled up on me with emotional and/or physical stresses.

And when I realize that is happening I work to take that stress away. When that gets manageable so does my behavior.

I am no doctor and I don’t know your situation. Medication might be necessary for underlying issues (and there is no shame in that), but to me this doesn’t speak of needing medication as much as needing someone to talk to so that you can work through all the frustrations that come with your situation. To find a way to give you a ‘moment’ where you can think and catch your breath before you physically react

The phrase “getting help” is lame. Sometimes finding help is hard, intimidating and expensive. BUT…if you cannot afford or find a therapist or don’t like them (I confess to not being the biggest fan of traditional therapy), there are SO many ways to get your stress down. Yoga, meditation, finding some moments to just be quiet and calm. You need to fight to get that time, even if it’s hard. Consider it as important as eating and breathing.

Also…and this is huge….do you have a system of support with other people that ‘GET” your situation? (I googled and it looks like there are a lot of possibilities for NF1 online support) When my son died, I was saved by blogging. Because I had support of people who got what I was going through. That I could reach out to and be understood and who I could bounce things off of. It was invaluable to me.

I don’t know if any of this helps, I just hope that you know that many of us have compassion and I hope that you can be gentle with yourself.xo

]]> By: Abby http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/06/06/typology-of-the-bad-mother/#comment-140602 Abby Thu, 30 Jun 2011 14:05:35 +0000 http://www.phdinparenting.com/?p=1914#comment-140602 Hi Worried Mom! My sister's son is 3 and has some very similar challenging problems with him, worst part being that he is still undiagnosed for the root causes. She struggles daily with feeling like a "bad mom." Some doctors have even told her there is nothing wrong with her son, and yet I've witnessed myself the violent reactions he has at home that push her to her limit simply as a human being. Moms are not super-humans, we are just regular people! It's OKAY to feel frustrated with your child, and it sounds like you are making a real effort! My sister also quit her out-of-the-home job for a stay-at-home position so she could more closely monitor him - that is VERY admirable! If that's not the sign of a "good mom" then I'm not sure what would really qualify it. Even the "best" children can frustrate us at times and cause us to loose our tempers, or make "parenting mistakes." I was blessed with a very easy-going daughter who STILL manages to frustrate me when she dumps her milk all over the floor and smashes her crackers into it! I can't say I always respond the way a parent "should." Don't get stuck in a parenting box where you qualify yourself as good or bad, or your parenting practices as right or wrong. Each of us has an individually unique child who needs unique parenting, and we can't compare ourselves constantly! I suggest you re-read the original post, I think it should lessen your guilt or hopefully completely irradiate it! Good luck, sounds like you're doing just fine! :) Hi Worried Mom!

My sister’s son is 3 and has some very similar challenging problems with him, worst part being that he is still undiagnosed for the root causes. She struggles daily with feeling like a “bad mom.” Some doctors have even told her there is nothing wrong with her son, and yet I’ve witnessed myself the violent reactions he has at home that push her to her limit simply as a human being.

Moms are not super-humans, we are just regular people! It’s OKAY to feel frustrated with your child, and it sounds like you are making a real effort! My sister also quit her out-of-the-home job for a stay-at-home position so she could more closely monitor him – that is VERY admirable! If that’s not the sign of a “good mom” then I’m not sure what would really qualify it.

Even the “best” children can frustrate us at times and cause us to loose our tempers, or make “parenting mistakes.” I was blessed with a very easy-going daughter who STILL manages to frustrate me when she dumps her milk all over the floor and smashes her crackers into it! I can’t say I always respond the way a parent “should.”

Don’t get stuck in a parenting box where you qualify yourself as good or bad, or your parenting practices as right or wrong. Each of us has an individually unique child who needs unique parenting, and we can’t compare ourselves constantly!

I suggest you re-read the original post, I think it should lessen your guilt or hopefully completely irradiate it! Good luck, sounds like you’re doing just fine! :)

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