I’m conscious of lots of ways I’m modeling behavior for my daughter but I never thought about this one. I think I am still with the mindset that babies act selfishly and have no problem asking for what they want. I’m having a hard time in lots of areas making the transition from relating to a baby to having an actual relationship with a toddler. In some ways it’s like we’re starting all over again.

I’ve read a lot of your old posts tonight. It’s really great stuff. Thanks for putting it all out there for review and discussion.

Yes, it is about modeling a healthy relationship in terms of give and take. For example, imagine you and I are friends who often go out for coffee. Now let’s say I sometimes call you and you sometimes call me and we always get together and have a great time. Now you keep calling and I always say yes when you do, but I never initiate anymore. I am never the one to ask you whether you want to go for coffee. You might start to wonder if I really want to go with you or not or if I’m just going along with it so that I don’t upset you.

It is about not making her feel like I resent nursing or am trying to get her behaviour to change. I think in the toddler years our children do start to pick up some social skills and while some may continue to demand whatever they want whenever they want it, other more sensitive kids may be more influenced by social cues.

I would understand that reasoning if this were a relationship with another adult or a much older child but I’m wondering why it’s important with a child who is, say, 16 months or so? In my experience that’s an age when a child generally demonstrates a demand for whatever she wants when she wants it. Why is it important to offer an older baby more opportunities to nurse if she seems capable of getting what she needs when she wants it (i.e. she is able to sign or ask for the breast?).

Is it simply important to model what a healthy relationship is like in terms of give and take or is there something else that I’m missing? I’d love to know more. Thanks!

I hope to do the same thing with my younger daughter (now 4 months).

I had only one daughter I was able to nurse past 7 months, and that was my last (and final) one…my last chance to try and make it to a year. I had so many issues (including low supply) with #1 and#2 and I WOHM with them, so there was a lot stacked against me. With #3, I stayed at home, and gave breastfeeding everything I had. I just wanted to make it to a year and I was ready to let go. Turns out my milk didn’t dry up when I stopped pumping (I pumped to help keep up supply) like I thought it would, and instead, she nursed even more efficiently. She was very, very attached to nursing and she nursed until 3 years and 1 month.

My biggest critic was my own sister. She thought it was disgusting and often tried to shame me for doing it and literally would demand that I stop bf anywhere near her presence when my daughter wanted to (which was always discreetly away from others). I wasn’t a young mother either, I was 37, and she was 40, but simply bent on getting me to stop.

Weaning for us wasn’t a simple matter. My daughter would crumple into a pile of tears when I tried to delay her too many times, which I tried to do when she was about 2 years old. I could see after a while, she was feeling deep rejection. It’s not only about the milk at that point, but about feeling secure. Depriving my child of nursing was leading to insecurity. It was more damaging for her than it was worth it for me.

So, I delayed the decision to wean until she was older and when I could substitute other means of connecting with her and helping her through her feelings. It still wasn’t a simple matter at 3 years, but it was a lot better than it would have been a year earlier.

Yes, you need to do what is right in your heart for your new family, because no one else matters. If your husband is supportive, that’s all that you really need.

By the way…on the co-sleeping, what ended up working for us was going straight to twin beds with bedrails by about 3 years, so that I could co-sleep with my daughter until she was asleep, then went back to my bed. If she woke in the middle of the night, I went to her bed until she went back to sleep. Eventually, she was able to sleep on her own all night.

My middle 5.5 year old daughter will still wake up in the early hours of the morning to climb into bed with me. It’s a rare night indeed when she sleeps all the way through without night waking. But it’s all good. She literally snuggles down next to me and falls instantly back asleep. But I know she has nightmares, so I’m pretty sure that’s why she has trouble staying asleep if she’s woken up by them.

You are doing a fine job mama. Keep up the good work! It’ll get easier with subsequent children as your confidence will grow when you see the positive benefits to keeping your child connected to you as they grow.

First, I would ask the young mom if she is feeling certain of her choices. With your advice and resource pointers, maybe she will, but maybe there are some hidden beliefs that make her feel uncertain, which shows in her body language and quietly invite others to intervene.

Second, I noticed there was an “us” in bed, which means a partner. Is the partner OK with all those fine choices? If so, how about some support? If not, well, maybe we’ve just stumbled on the real problem…