Comments on: Does becoming a parent restrict your social circle?

By: thewhatifgirl

thewhatifgirl — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 16:16:41 +0000

Kelsey, I don’t have kids either but one thing I think you have to understand is that in a lot of cases, kids ARE their parents whole lives. Parents have a whole ‘nother human being that they have to care for who can’t do it themself, or can only do limited amounts for themself.

For a parallel, I run a business from home with my husband and am a student at the same time. Those are the two things that take up 90% (or more) of my waking hours. If I went out with friends and they expected me not to talk about them, or to only talk about them a little bit, I would be at a loss as to what I could talk about, simply because they do take up so much of my time. So it’s not just parents who end up that way.

One of the things that I’ve always tried to do with my parent-friends is involve their kids sometimes. Then I have a better idea of what their kids are like, and can better talk to them about such an important part of their lives. But it also just acknowledges to them that I recognize their new position in life and allows them some control of how much they integrate their friends and parenting. Plus, I have yet to have any of them take me up on the offer, and it seems to make them realize that while that might be a very important aspect of their life, they still want to have friends and talk about things other than their kids too.

By: david

david — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 14:40:06 +0000

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By: Alina

Alina — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 05:13:17 +0000

I don’t know if it’s polite to respond to other people’s comments, but @Kelsey, I know what you mean, when I am with friends who do not have kids I have to bite my tongue so that I don’t overwhelm the conversation with info regarding my kids. It’s not that I don’t WANT to talk about things– I do, I really do. It’s just top-of-mind to talk about the kids. Plus I’m so “in love” with my kids, kind of like when you have lunch with a friend who has a new boyfriend and all she can do is talk about her boyfriend. Ha ha! So maybe that will give you some perspective.

By: Amber

Amber — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 03:25:08 +0000

Becoming a parent has actually expanded my social circle dramatically, but in a whole different direction. I am not terribly extroverted. I enjoy socializing, but I find it difficult to meet new people. Now that my days are spent going to moms groups and the like I have a framework for socialization that didn’t exist before. Through groups like La Leche League I’ve had great success with meeting like-minded moms.

So, on the whole I would say that I have a much more active social calendar now than I did pre-baby. It just all happens on a different timetable, and with kids in tow.

By: Shanta @ Natural Mom Loves Prada

Shanta @ Natural Mom Loves Prada — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 00:49:23 +0000

We had kids way WAY earlier than any of our friends so we just invited them to our house to party. Once they started having children, it was just easier because events are planned with kids in mind and it’s also nice to not be the only ones that have to leave early or have kids eatting half the snack bowl…(roll eyes shaking head…sigh).
But I am still pretty spontaneous – just last night a single friend that I have known from highschool called up and asked if she could pick me up and go out for coffee – I said “sure, I’ll feed the baby when you get here and then we can go…” and off we went…

Relationships change but I think that is just what happens over time – some change together and others change apart…

By: se7en

se7en — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 20:34:12 +0000

I really found, as in most great steps in life, friendships change and new friends are made and old ones slip away. Often we are friends with people because of what we do together and when that common theme changes so do our friends. Some friendships are deeper and remain there for life whatever you do.

I found in the first couple of years of being a mom that different parenting styles really made or broke a friendship. If someone did something I didn’t agree with – as a madly pro-home birth, attachment parenting blah blah mum… I just couldn’t relate to them!!! Everything was just so intense!!! I can see past that now and it doesn’t send me simmering anymore – I think I just had to grow up as a “parent – person” to understand that parenting style isn’t everything there is to a person… they make choices, I make choices and we can still be friends – good friends!

By: ebbandflo aka pomomama

ebbandflo aka pomomama — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 18:34:03 +0000

Nature plays an incredible trick on us so we do become effective parents – our children are our lives for us for a short but necessary time. I’m only just emerging from having parenting and my child as my sole topics of conversation simply because my life has been so “restricted” in this way while he’s been so dependent on me. I have no head space available for anything else, definitely not for selfish, self-centred childless friends who don’t/can’t/’will be hit by a thunderbolt if it ever happens to them and then’ understand. My time is finite, limited – I don’t have time or energy for people who suck me dry and yes, I’ve discarded them. It seems ruthless but life goes on without them and to be honest I don’t really miss them. My support network is flexible and tailored to my current needs, I’m a lot more adaptable/self sufficient than people who hang on to their friends doggedly and rarely make any new ones. When I do meet kindred spirits now they tend to be very strong friendships.
I should also admit that I am an expat transitory being who is a little fed up at trying to make friends only to find them moving on. I think expat friendships are less deeply rooted as a matter of survival anyway.

By: Summer

Summer — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 14:19:53 +0000

It definitely restricted my social circle, but in a positive way. I was able to brush off the friends who were unhealthy for me.

I get what Kelsey is saying in her comment about becoming focused on just kids, but I don’t think it’s any different than anyone else. A childless friend with a new boyfriend she loves or a new job can have only that to talk about on and on and on until the glamour wears off. LOL Sooner or later we all find something else to talk about.

By: phdinparenting

phdinparenting — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 14:13:56 +0000

@Capital Mom: That is funny! In case anyone else wants to read her great thoughts on the topic too, here they are: The cycle of friendship

By: phdinparenting

phdinparenting — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 14:07:02 +0000

@Kelsey: When I am out with friends that don’t have kids, I don’t tend to talk much about my kids unless I am asked about them. I use it as an opportunity to talk about something different and explore my other interests. That said, many of the things that interest my friends without kids now are just not all that interesting to me. So, there may be times with some of my “old” friends where there are awkward silences because my new interests don’t interest them and their new interests don’t interest me. I see that as a natural growing apart as a result of lives moving in different directions. But I do have other friends without kids that I find plenty to talk about with. It just depends…