The only real conflict I’ve had with a few people who have had kids are the comments implying my life lacks value or meaning because I’ve chosen not to reproduce. Right after an insane 14-hour workday, the last thing I want to hear is: “try having a 2-year old, then you’ll really be tired, lol!” Or condecending smiles whenever I talk about a conflict in my life with comments like “things will just be so different when you have kids.” Different interests are one thing, making someone feel like nothing they think or feel matters is another.

How about making some friends with other people who have kids? Let me tell you why that’s a terrible idea. As soon as two people have sex and make a baby (something the dumbest animals on the planet do all the time) they suddenly become experts on child rearing. “How do you do this? Oh we do THAT and it works REAL well you should TRY IT”. I’d rather cut my wrists with a spoon than to listen to a mommy and daddy expert team brag about how they mastered diaper bin logistic and outfitting for trips to the mall. If anything, talking about kids with people who have kids just doesn’t appeal to me in the least. Everyone does everything differently, and everyone thinks their way is the best. This is a very good reason to do your own thing – alone.

These days, we only spend time with relatives that also have kids. Usually birthdays and major holidays, we’re surrounded by aunts, uncles and cousins and we’re up to our armpits in kids. It’s okay, really, as my extended family members are really pretty decent people. But after spending hour hours in a small house with 60 people, 1/2 of whom are shrieking kids running amok, it’s time for a strong drink in a small dark room.

I think as parents we need to suck it up and just be miserable. Alone. And stop wanting other people to come over and suffer along with us. Besides, people without kids don’t want to know how LUCKY they are to have time for things like bathing and sleeping. It just brings them down and makes them feel bad about being smart enough not to breed. Besides, when I get ANY free time at all (thanks to very very gracious family members who actually like my kids) I have the strong desire to run to my man cave, dim the lights, put on some quiet music, and sit in my recliner and try to let some of the stress ooze out of my pores.

Being a parent is not just hard work. It’s a test of your resilience to getting various mental health issues. And sometimes all you need is some down-time alone. When all your energy goes into kids, it’s not hard to avoid friends especially those that tend to be needy. When all of your available energy goes into nurturing the kids, needy friends are the first to go. How many times have you heard a beleaguered mother say “I’m up to my armpits in dirty diapers and trying to thaw dinner and pacify a screeching infant all at the same time and she’s calling me up to whine that she’s gone up a dress size since meeting her new boyfriend?” All the time. Single childfree people’s lives seem comparatively trivial to those of new parents. That’s why single childfree people seem to avoid parents – they don’t like their important life events to be trivialized by people who have no other concern than their offspring.

That’s why my four best friends are my recliner in my man cave (basement) a nice snifter of Remy Martin VSOP cognac, a little peace and some badly needed quiet.

Now quit worrying about your social life and get back to rearing those kids!

Sure, some friendships have turned into once or twice a year outings, but I have gained so many wonderful friends through the mommy circuit! My old friends are still very important, but it takes work and planning for sure. You can’t assume you can just pick right back up in 10 years. You need to show up from time to time. You need to extend the invites from time to time. There’s no question: it’s not the same.

But we really need friends. Life is constantly in flux of good and bad. The good is sweeter and the bad is easier with lots of friends around, so make the effort. And I love love love my newest gang of mommy friends. I know these are the families we will grow with and treasure.

For a parallel, I run a business from home with my husband and am a student at the same time. Those are the two things that take up 90% (or more) of my waking hours. If I went out with friends and they expected me not to talk about them, or to only talk about them a little bit, I would be at a loss as to what I could talk about, simply because they do take up so much of my time. So it’s not just parents who end up that way.

One of the things that I’ve always tried to do with my parent-friends is involve their kids sometimes. Then I have a better idea of what their kids are like, and can better talk to them about such an important part of their lives. But it also just acknowledges to them that I recognize their new position in life and allows them some control of how much they integrate their friends and parenting. Plus, I have yet to have any of them take me up on the offer, and it seems to make them realize that while that might be a very important aspect of their life, they still want to have friends and talk about things other than their kids too.

The underlying model developed by our team of psychologists reveals an underlying complexity far richer than just ‘strict’ or ‘relaxed’ classifications.

And what’s particularly interesting is that you can take the test for a spouse and see where potential conflicts might lie and get advice on how to deal w/them. You can also compare results to your friends’.

So, on the whole I would say that I have a much more active social calendar now than I did pre-baby. It just all happens on a different timetable, and with kids in tow.

Relationships change but I think that is just what happens over time – some change together and others change apart…

I found in the first couple of years of being a mom that different parenting styles really made or broke a friendship. If someone did something I didn’t agree with – as a madly pro-home birth, attachment parenting blah blah mum… I just couldn’t relate to them!!! Everything was just so intense!!! I can see past that now and it doesn’t send me simmering anymore – I think I just had to grow up as a “parent – person” to understand that parenting style isn’t everything there is to a person… they make choices, I make choices and we can still be friends – good friends!