Comments on: The bully who defined me http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/08/01/the-bully-who-defined-me/ ...exploring the art and science of parenting Wed, 17 Mar 2010 19:32:54 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: Anti-Bully http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/08/01/the-bully-who-defined-me/#comment-43283 Anti-Bully Fri, 26 Feb 2010 19:46:00 +0000 http://www.phdinparenting.com/?p=2269#comment-43283 It took a lot of courage to publish this post. It was very touching. It took a lot of courage to publish this post. It was very touching.

]]> By: Elizabeth http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/08/01/the-bully-who-defined-me/#comment-41346 Elizabeth Thu, 18 Feb 2010 22:47:13 +0000 http://www.phdinparenting.com/?p=2269#comment-41346 Wow - what a story. I wish I could tell you things are different, but I think my daughter lived through some of what you experienced. She met her bully in Kindergarten. I couldn't believe it -- and her teacher and school administrators didn't believe it for most of the school year -- until the bully (not a pretty little blonde, FYI, a very cute little girl from China) organized a day where the rest of the class would pretend my daughter was invisible. (Age 5 this kid was!) We were already seeing a therapist to learn how to deal with bullies (so sad, really, to watch your tiny daughter role playing with a mirror so she can deal with mean girls). The school finally took notice after the invisible thing. (I'll insert here: I'm talking about a Very Expensive private school that we almost left over this and that did expel another child - a boy - that year, but he was punching and kicking kids.) Little bully's parents were called in and defended her to the hilt - the mom called me shrieking and I thought, "that poor child has a crazy mother who will let her get away with anything before it reflects poorly on her" and "this woman is a bigger bully than her daughter!" Anyway: the good news here is my kid is now 12, she is in Middle School where the bully is still a very cute bully but has absolutely no power over my daughter. My kid learned years ago how to deal with her - and she watches sadly every year when the cute bully (aka the mean girl, aka the popular girl) adopts a new sidekick, who then isn't allowed to speak to my daughter. "She'll be back," she says. ... For moms worried about their kids - I noticed it was happening pretty fast, I think. Kids come home from school happy, and if that stops, something is up. If they don't want to go to Kindergarten? Something is really up. Plus mine has a built in stress alarm - eczema. Not every kid comes with that handy sign on the backs of their knees :). I guess my whole point is that while I so wanted to lean over and hiss in that Little Bully's 5-year-old face "if you are mean to her today, I'm going to kill you!" - seven years later I think that rotten little kid did us a favor, and sometimes I see her alone waiting for her mom looking really depressed and I feel sorry for her. Several other girls are just figuring out how to deal with the Mean Girls. My girl has got it down. Oh - and the therapist at the time told me that my kid; smart, super shy, more than a little quirky, was the perfect target for bullies. I envisioned years of bullying. Didn't happen. She won't let it. So got some good people skills out of this without letting it (I hope) hurt her. Wow – what a story. I wish I could tell you things are different, but I think my daughter lived through some of what you experienced. She met her bully in Kindergarten. I couldn’t believe it — and her teacher and school administrators didn’t believe it for most of the school year — until the bully (not a pretty little blonde, FYI, a very cute little girl from China) organized a day where the rest of the class would pretend my daughter was invisible. (Age 5 this kid was!) We were already seeing a therapist to learn how to deal with bullies (so sad, really, to watch your tiny daughter role playing with a mirror so she can deal with mean girls). The school finally took notice after the invisible thing. (I’ll insert here: I’m talking about a Very Expensive private school that we almost left over this and that did expel another child – a boy – that year, but he was punching and kicking kids.) Little bully’s parents were called in and defended her to the hilt – the mom called me shrieking and I thought, “that poor child has a crazy mother who will let her get away with anything before it reflects poorly on her” and “this woman is a bigger bully than her daughter!”
Anyway: the good news here is my kid is now 12, she is in Middle School where the bully is still a very cute bully but has absolutely no power over my daughter. My kid learned years ago how to deal with her – and she watches sadly every year when the cute bully (aka the mean girl, aka the popular girl) adopts a new sidekick, who then isn’t allowed to speak to my daughter. “She’ll be back,” she says. …
For moms worried about their kids – I noticed it was happening pretty fast, I think. Kids come home from school happy, and if that stops, something is up. If they don’t want to go to Kindergarten? Something is really up. Plus mine has a built in stress alarm – eczema. Not every kid comes with that handy sign on the backs of their knees :) .
I guess my whole point is that while I so wanted to lean over and hiss in that Little Bully’s 5-year-old face “if you are mean to her today, I’m going to kill you!” – seven years later I think that rotten little kid did us a favor, and sometimes I see her alone waiting for her mom looking really depressed and I feel sorry for her. Several other girls are just figuring out how to deal with the Mean Girls. My girl has got it down.
Oh – and the therapist at the time told me that my kid; smart, super shy, more than a little quirky, was the perfect target for bullies. I envisioned years of bullying. Didn’t happen. She won’t let it.
So got some good people skills out of this without letting it (I hope) hurt her.

]]> By: Dan Hillman http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/08/01/the-bully-who-defined-me/#comment-35339 Dan Hillman Wed, 27 Jan 2010 19:04:40 +0000 http://www.phdinparenting.com/?p=2269#comment-35339 Sorry to hear about your experience. I definately identified with you. High school was a horrible time for me. See, I'm not very witty, not extremely funny, and not too athletic. I was picked on - a lot. I was a loner - desperately wanting acceptance and not getting acceptance. It actually worked out pretty well for me, because for years I had been thinking about making a decision to follow Jesus Christ. However, I kept holding myself back from giving Christ my heart, out of fear of rejection. Once it was established that I was pretty much totally rejected by nearly all of my peers (except for a few friends who were themselves rejected), I recognized that allowing myself to be held back from Christ by the fear of ridicule of bullies is stupid. So, when I was 16, I decided to follow Jesus. Jesus certainly helped me. First, I was assurred of his love and acceptance of me. Then, he taught me to forgive and to love my enemies and to pray for those who were bullying me. Then he taught me how to stand up against bullying free of malice and hate. I used to play basketball every day with guys from the neighborhood, and every day they talked A LOT of trash - especially to me. I learned to stand up to them - by playing hard, by being socially assertive, and by praying for them. Then, I went public with my faith free of fear. I gained the reputation as the Jesus Freak. I was ridiculed for this, but I was able to not allow the ridicule to bother me. I responded to ridicule with blessing. I talked about the love of Christ. It was neat that once I stopped worrying what others thought about me, some people started respecting me - and even let me know it. Bottom line: Jesus Christ is familiar with rejection, persecution, and suffering. To add to this, he was also familiar with character assassination and finally with an unjust trial, a false conviction, and a shameful and torturous death on the cross. But if they who crucified him knew what they were doing, they would never have crucified the Lord of glory, for in dying on the cross, Jesus provided atonement for sinners, so that all who believe would be saved. Thank God for His grace. Sorry to hear about your experience. I definately identified with you. High school was a horrible time for me. See, I’m not very witty, not extremely funny, and not too athletic. I was picked on – a lot. I was a loner – desperately wanting acceptance and not getting acceptance.

It actually worked out pretty well for me, because for years I had been thinking about making a decision to follow Jesus Christ. However, I kept holding myself back from giving Christ my heart, out of fear of rejection. Once it was established that I was pretty much totally rejected by nearly all of my peers (except for a few friends who were themselves rejected), I recognized that allowing myself to be held back from Christ by the fear of ridicule of bullies is stupid. So, when I was 16, I decided to follow Jesus.

Jesus certainly helped me. First, I was assurred of his love and acceptance of me. Then, he taught me to forgive and to love my enemies and to pray for those who were bullying me. Then he taught me how to stand up against bullying free of malice and hate. I used to play basketball every day with guys from the neighborhood, and every day they talked A LOT of trash – especially to me. I learned to stand up to them – by playing hard, by being socially assertive, and by praying for them.

Then, I went public with my faith free of fear. I gained the reputation as the Jesus Freak. I was ridiculed for this, but I was able to not allow the ridicule to bother me. I responded to ridicule with blessing. I talked about the love of Christ.

It was neat that once I stopped worrying what others thought about me, some people started respecting me – and even let me know it.

Bottom line: Jesus Christ is familiar with rejection, persecution, and suffering. To add to this, he was also familiar with character assassination and finally with an unjust trial, a false conviction, and a shameful and torturous death on the cross.

But if they who crucified him knew what they were doing, they would never have crucified the Lord of glory, for in dying on the cross, Jesus provided atonement for sinners, so that all who believe would be saved.

Thank God for His grace.

]]> By: Are people who don’t get the H1N1 vaccine idiots? | PhD in Parenting http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/08/01/the-bully-who-defined-me/#comment-22952 Are people who don’t get the H1N1 vaccine idiots? | PhD in Parenting Fri, 30 Oct 2009 20:38:04 +0000 http://www.phdinparenting.com/?p=2269#comment-22952 [...] and stones may break my bones, but being called an idiot won’t bully me into not questioning [...] [...] and stones may break my bones, but being called an idiot won’t bully me into not questioning [...]

]]> By: Candace http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/08/01/the-bully-who-defined-me/#comment-16363 Candace Sat, 12 Sep 2009 03:12:47 +0000 http://www.phdinparenting.com/?p=2269#comment-16363 What Annie said. What Annie said.

]]> By: Heather http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/08/01/the-bully-who-defined-me/#comment-15777 Heather Tue, 08 Sep 2009 14:47:06 +0000 http://www.phdinparenting.com/?p=2269#comment-15777 I understand spanking is not the only answer, different things work for different kids.I just remember when I was in school how the parent, the principal, and the teacher would be in the hall ready to give out spankings when you were misbehaving.The parents would either do it themselves or let the teacher or principal.I feel as a society we are starting to let many things go and our children notice this.When I worked for a childrens home in AZ, you betcha every one of them kids knew you could not do anything to them.We had everything from abuse,runaways,kids waiting for adoption,gangbangers,and parents that handed them over pleading for us to help them with their child.If they ran away the police brought them right back because there was nothing more they could do,that is what the police would say.DFC,Impact and other programs that involved themselves in cases with the children were jokes.The saddest thing I heard working there well 1 of them, was think of these kids like cattle do not get attached because all we do is herd them in then herd them out.I just cannot believe our system anymore,even the kids new they meant nothing to the system.I had to fight with them to talk to their therapist,or their dfc worker,they would always refuse saying they do not care about me,or listen to what I have to say.They were for the most part right,society is numbing themselves to much. I understand spanking is not the only answer, different things work for different kids.I just remember when I was in school how the parent, the principal, and the teacher would be in the hall ready to give out spankings when you were misbehaving.The parents would either do it themselves or let the teacher or principal.I feel as a society we are starting to let many things go and our children notice this.When I worked for a childrens home in AZ, you betcha every one of them kids knew you could not do anything to them.We had everything from abuse,runaways,kids waiting for adoption,gangbangers,and parents that handed them over pleading for us to help them with their child.If they ran away the police brought them right back because there was nothing more they could do,that is what the police would say.DFC,Impact and other programs that involved themselves in cases with the children were jokes.The saddest thing I heard working there well 1 of them, was think of these kids like cattle do not get attached because all we do is herd them in then herd them out.I just cannot believe our system anymore,even the kids new they meant nothing to the system.I had to fight with them to talk to their therapist,or their dfc worker,they would always refuse saying they do not care about me,or listen to what I have to say.They were for the most part right,society is numbing themselves to much.

]]> By: phdinparenting http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/08/01/the-bully-who-defined-me/#comment-15773 phdinparenting Tue, 08 Sep 2009 13:53:55 +0000 http://www.phdinparenting.com/?p=2269#comment-15773 Heather: I agree that more needs to be done to deal with bullying in schools. I do not think that spanking kids is the answer though. I do think that <a href="http://www.phdinparenting.com/2008/11/04/best-anti-spanking-resources/" rel="nofollow">spanking is abuse</a>. That doesn't mean that bullying is not abuse. But being aggressive towards a bully isn't going to make that person less of a bully, it is going to teach them that hitting other people is an appropriate way to get them to do what you want them to do. Heather: I agree that more needs to be done to deal with bullying in schools. I do not think that spanking kids is the answer though. I do think that spanking is abuse. That doesn’t mean that bullying is not abuse. But being aggressive towards a bully isn’t going to make that person less of a bully, it is going to teach them that hitting other people is an appropriate way to get them to do what you want them to do.

]]> By: Heather http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/08/01/the-bully-who-defined-me/#comment-15771 Heather Tue, 08 Sep 2009 13:45:28 +0000 http://www.phdinparenting.com/?p=2269#comment-15771 (Previously a Teachers assistant) Parents and schools have no disciplinary actions available.If you spank a child its child abuse,(I disagree)If you shell out consequences for bad children its demeaning and lowers self esteem(whatever)They tried to tell me how to re word things as to not sound demanding towards the child???Shouldn't a teacher have control over their class not the student?Example I couldn't say, Do not slide down the slide that way,you will get hurt, but instead had to rephrase it as (Now you should be careful and try sitting down before you slide or else you may get hurt.)They told me and the other assistants not to have the child say I am sorry,saying they do not understand until they are 10 wtf?I was like yes they do and I go into detail with the children,Why are you sorry?What did you do that was not nice?How should we treat others,Why don't you try telling him/her how their bullying makes you feel Etc...I blame the school system along with some of the parents for these bullies.I mean the schools are not hard enough on bullies in my opinion.There is a child that always bullies the other kids including my daughter and I went to this childs mother,saying I thought I would come to you 1st before I went through the school,I explained everything that was happening and she said I don't know what to do?I gave her a list to choose from haha.Anyways didn't work and had to take it to the school. Then I tried another approach,thinking maybe this girl needs a real friend and let her stay over night with my daughter.Well I was agitated quickly by the child, she kicked my sons friend that was staying with him and punched my son all this within 10 minutes.I have had other problems with this same girls brother but he is perfect in the mothers eyes.This ladies 12 year old son called my daughter an ugly B*tch,when she just asked to play ball with them.My daughter was 8 and she is a little sweety,I mean teachers love her in their class but they are concerned that she is to sweet for her own good.Why should my child have to be an ass because some parents can not raise their kids with good values?Anyways, when I complained the father says I will talk to him and I do not believe anything happened because the boy was out playing like nothing phased him all that day.The one child (the girl) has been suspended from the bus and the school has to let her back on they can't suspend indefinitely for the year.So why are parents of good children having to suffer the consequences at another parents lack of care.Shouldnt it be the other way around and make the parent with the problem child the one to suffer through it,(Take your brat to school yourself,Child has to show improvement or get to special school for behavioral problems?I mean there are things schools can do but most seem to choose not to in the mean time a lot of good children have to just sit in the back and suffer through their school years.I really make myself heard in this department because being bullied is terrible for anyone and an innocent child that has to ask themselves and others what is wrong with me,or why am I so ugly,to why does no one like me is bullhockey.I mean every child can be a bit insulting at times and bully a little.Difference is the good child will own up to their mistakes, even go apologize to the person they may have cost hurt feelings towards.Even with the way I go on about my rampage on bullies, forgive spelling just typing in anger of such sad stories I read hear.None of you should of been punished like that if anyone should have been punished it should of been the bully.Just really irks me to see and know these things happen and how it makes you as a parent feel so powerless,or how it makes a child feel so lonely and unwanted.Then to know schools really are not doing much for these bullied children. (Previously a Teachers assistant)
Parents and schools have no disciplinary actions available.If you spank a child its child abuse,(I disagree)If you shell out consequences for bad children its demeaning and lowers self esteem(whatever)They tried to tell me how to re word things as to not sound demanding towards the child???Shouldn’t a teacher have control over their class not the student?Example I couldn’t say, Do not slide down the slide that way,you will get hurt, but instead had to rephrase it as (Now you should be careful and try sitting down before you slide or else you may get hurt.)They told me and the other assistants not to have the child say I am sorry,saying they do not understand until they are 10 wtf?I was like yes they do and I go into detail with the children,Why are you sorry?What did you do that was not nice?How should we treat others,Why don’t you try telling him/her how their bullying makes you feel Etc…I blame the school system along with some of the parents for these bullies.I mean the schools are not hard enough on bullies in my opinion.There is a child that always bullies the other kids including my daughter and I went to this childs mother,saying I thought I would come to you 1st before I went through the school,I explained everything that was happening and she said I don’t know what to do?I gave her a list to choose from haha.Anyways didn’t work and had to take it to the school. Then I tried another approach,thinking maybe this girl needs a real friend and let her stay over night with my daughter.Well I was agitated quickly by the child, she kicked my sons friend that was staying with him and punched my son all this within 10 minutes.I have had other problems with this same girls brother but he is perfect in the mothers eyes.This ladies 12 year old son called my daughter an ugly B*tch,when she just asked to play ball with them.My daughter was 8 and she is a little sweety,I mean teachers love her in their class but they are concerned that she is to sweet for her own good.Why should my child have to be an ass because some parents can not raise their kids with good values?Anyways, when I complained the father says I will talk to him and I do not believe anything happened because the boy was out playing like nothing phased him all that day.The one child (the girl) has been suspended from the bus and the school has to let her back on they can’t suspend indefinitely for the year.So why are parents of good children having to suffer the consequences at another parents lack of care.Shouldnt it be the other way around and make the parent with the problem child the one to suffer through it,(Take your brat to school yourself,Child has to show improvement or get to special school for behavioral problems?I mean there are things schools can do but most seem to choose not to in the mean time a lot of good children have to just sit in the back and suffer through their school years.I really make myself heard in this department because being bullied is terrible for anyone and an innocent child that has to ask themselves and others what is wrong with me,or why am I so ugly,to why does no one like me is bullhockey.I mean every child can be a bit insulting at times and bully a little.Difference is the good child will own up to their mistakes, even go apologize to the person they may have cost hurt feelings towards.Even with the way I go on about my rampage on bullies, forgive spelling just typing in anger of such sad stories I read hear.None of you should of been punished like that if anyone should have been punished it should of been the bully.Just really irks me to see and know these things happen and how it makes you as a parent feel so powerless,or how it makes a child feel so lonely and unwanted.Then to know schools really are not doing much for these bullied children.

]]> By: That which does not kill us makes us stronger http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/08/01/the-bully-who-defined-me/#comment-13321 That which does not kill us makes us stronger Tue, 25 Aug 2009 04:12:47 +0000 http://www.phdinparenting.com/?p=2269#comment-13321 [...] I wrote recently about my experience being bullied, a number of well meaning people noted, in Nietzsche style: That which does not kill us makes us [...] [...] I wrote recently about my experience being bullied, a number of well meaning people noted, in Nietzsche style: That which does not kill us makes us [...]

]]> By: Sarah V. http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/08/01/the-bully-who-defined-me/#comment-12371 Sarah V. Wed, 19 Aug 2009 00:20:15 +0000 http://www.phdinparenting.com/?p=2269#comment-12371 Whatever our differences on other issues, I have great respect for your courage in writing this post, and I thank you for being brave enough to do so. Whatever our differences on other issues, I have great respect for your courage in writing this post, and I thank you for being brave enough to do so.

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