Comments on: “Don’t Judge Me”

By: Robyn

Robyn — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 19:06:15 +0000

Exactly.

By: Robyn

Robyn — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 19:04:04 +0000

As a corollary, why are some people so invested in the choices of others, many of whom they don’t even know? Why would someone take it upon themselves to voice judgement or “disagreement” with the choice of a mom to formula feed or CIO or whatever when they don’t even know the other person? It doesn’t affect you. It’s none of your business.

There are objective facts. (Breastmilk is nutritionally superior to formula.) And there are value judgements. (Parents who formula-feed are inferior to those who breastmilk-feed.) Big difference. I can be friends with the someone who says the former because, well, it’s true. I probably won’t be friends with someone who says the latter because, well, that person is a closed-minded jerk.

By: Robyn

Robyn — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 18:52:04 +0000

Well, I suppose one also has to consider why one even cares about being judged. I don’t really care if you judge me and find me wanting. Why? Because I don’t know you; you don’t know me. Why should I care what you think about my choices? Should someone take the time to explain why their baby drinks formula–just to try to satisfy you? Or why they CIO? Or whatever it is they do that you disagree with? Only if they are insecure in their decisions and actually care what you think. If I truly believe that my choice is right (for me or in general), then I won’t internalize your judgement. Or I might just judge you back.

By: Jamie

Jamie — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 03:07:24 +0000

I really love this post. I shared it on FB.

I hate how dialog (particularly between mothers) gets watered down into meaningless validation, where no one manages to say anything for fear of offending someone else.

There is another flavor of ‘don’t judge me’ that means ‘I did the best I could (damn it)’ Every mother is, rightfully, the only one fit to judge whether or not she could have done better with her available resources. But even here, the onus for not taking a comment personally (where there is no obvious insult) belongs to the receiving end. *She* is the only one fit to judge, so how can the speaker possibly tailor the opinions to *her* experiences? That’s her responsibility.

‘I don’t want to talk about this’ is less dysfunctional than ‘don’t judge me’ and within a respectful dialog, accomplishes the same goal.

By: kalen

kalen — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 17:37:42 +0000

Hi WOW does this sound familiar. Much appreciate the nudge of society in a better direction and your well spoken words to that affect. HOWEVER, most times try to remember you get more bees with HONEY than VINEGAR. Keep in mind also that if you get betwixed a bear and her cubs it most likely wont be pretty.

By: Susan

Susan — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 16:43:14 +0000

Thank you for this. It tied up some frayed feelings I have been having lately about advocacy. I was recently told, by someone very close and important to me, that I was “pushy” and it might make people not “like” me and that my passionate topics caused people to “shut down” because my opinions make other people “feel bad about their choices”. I have never told anyone that their choice was wrong. I am open about my choices and why I have chosen them. Apparently, this has been taken as an attack on other people’s choices. ??? Will I find myself offering up a disclaimer before discussing a topic like I feel I have to do before discussing Breastfeeding? ” No offense to you who do different, this is not meant to attack you.” In reality, it is I who feels shut down these days as though I am not allowed to talk about what I feel passionate about without offending others.

By: Abra

Abra — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 16:14:21 +0000

This is perfectly said. I could have written this word for word. Thank you!

By: FoxyKate

FoxyKate — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 13:31:28 +0000

I love you more today than yesterday.

By: Gypsymamamanna

Gypsymamamanna — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 06:42:38 +0000

Like the bumpersticker on the back of my RV/home says, “If you haven’t changed your mind lately~How can you be sure you still have one?” It’s not about judging it’s about opening up our minds to considering thinking, doing, being in a new or different way. Some day they will figure it out~we hope!!

By: Paige

Paige — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 03:05:46 +0000

Annie, this is one of my favorite posts of yours. I recently referred to it in my post adding to other phrases: “agree to disagree” and “I’m entitled to my opinion.” You were no doubt more eloquent!

http://www.babydustdiaries.com/2010/02/you-are-not-entitled-to-your-opinion-i.html