I’ve been aware of Carla Moquin’s fabulous work on the Babies at Work initiative and the Parenting in the Workplace Institute since she started commenting on my blog over a year ago. She has helped numerous companies to set up babies at work programs, has written books called How to Start a Babies-at-Work Program and Babies at Work: Bringing New Life to the Workplace, and her work has been profiled in the New York Times, in Inc. and on MomsRising.
A few months ago, I learned what inspired Carla’s work to create alternatives for women who don’t want to or cannot stay home with their babies, but that do not want to or cannot afford to put them in day care. It was her own impossible situation. One that has taken a horrible turn. One that has left her desperate for help. Her dedication to babies at work is all about ensuring other mothers do not have to go through the same thing she went through. She is helping others. Yet she still needs help too.
Here is how her story began:
A few months after I became pregnant with our second daughter, Peri, in 2003, my then-husband, Charlie, and I found ourselves in the middle of a very serious marital, financial, and employment crisis. Charlie strongly encouraged me to place our daughter into adoption, but I was very resistant to the idea, even though he was basically threatening divorce at the time and I didn’t know how I would be able to effectively support two children on my own.
Even though things were really bad, I wasn’t willing to seriously consider adoption unless I could find an effectively “perfect” situation. But I did some research on adoption and on prospective couples in September 2003 and discovered an intriguing couple, Susan Englert and Demyn Plantenberg. The first line of their internet profile said that they wanted an open adoption, and the next lines talked about “[becoming] a part of their lives forever” and that they hoped their letter would be “the beginning of a wonderful experience for all of us.”
From our first contact with them, they professed to want a fully open adoption relationship in which we would have frequent telephone and email contact and regular visits with them and our daughter. This drastically changed my perceptions on adoption. They told us and the adoption counselor for the agency with which they were working that they believed that a close relationship with the biological family was the best thing for an adopted child and that they were very dedicated to this plan. We developed what we believed to be a close friendship with the couple, they developed a close relationship with our older daughter, Alpha, who was then two years old, and they told her repeatedly that they loved her and that she would be seeing them and her soon-to-be- born sister frequently as they both grew up.
Carla made the gut wrenching decision to place her baby up for adoption. She was only open to this because of the family’s commitment to an open adoption. Their plans were even documented in an a series called Adoption Stories on the Discovery Health Channel that both Carla and the adoptive family participated in (clips of which are available on Carla’s website, Bring Peri Home, and on her YouTube account).
Since then, the family made an about face. Carla wrote:
This openness was critical to my going through with the excruciating decision to allow Peri to be adopted into what I believed at the time was a better situation for her. However, Susan and Demyn have clearly admitted in sworn testimony that they were always planning to ensure that the adoption would actually be legally closed–enabling them to completely eliminate us from Peri’s life at any time–and the evidence is clear that they even deceived the adoption counselor as to their true intentions. Susan and Demyn restricted our contact with Peri starting just 9 days after finalization of her adoption, limiting us to one annual visit of 6 hours and essentially no other contact during the year–not even between Peri and her biological sisters, who are dealing with emotional trauma due to not being able to have a relationship with Peri. If I am not successful in the lawsuit, it is virtually certain that Peri will not see her sisters again until Peri is 18.
I decided that I could not abandon Peri to people who would lie to take a child from her family–especially in light of the disturbingly callous behavior by Susan and Demyn toward us and toward Peri’s older sister in addition to the fraud. The trial date has just been set–it starts on March 22, 2010, just over three months from now. The documentation of the fraud is overwhelming, and the California Appeals Court has expressed its belief that Susan and Demyn’s failure to tell the Court at the adoption finalization that Peri’s adoption was to be open was “further proof that [their] pre-adoption statements were fraudulent”.
Three nationally-respected adoption and custody experts will help me to plan a gradual transition for Peri, with ongoing supervised contact between her and Susan and Demyn if I am successful in regaining custody, to maintain her bond with Susan and Demyn (for Peri’s sake) while enabling her to be raised with her sisters in a loving home in which integrity and children’s needs are valued.
The challenge now for Carla, whose story was recently profiled in People Magazine (“I Want My Daughter Back”) and will be on Dr. Phil tomorrow (December 11, 2009), is to raise enough money to fight this court battle. She has an excellent lawyer (Paul Thorndal from the Wald Group), but she needs to raise more than $50,000 to pay his fees for the trial and other legal costs related to the testing of handwritten notes she believes were fabricated by the adoptive parents.
Carla is also working to get to a position (ideally, by finding a funding partner to expand her babies-at-work efforts) in which she can move to California with Peri’s sisters for several months immediately after the trial (assuming she does prove fraud, which she says is very likely) to transition Peri to her care.
My heart goes out to Carla and her family. I can’t imagine the frustration and grief she is experiencing. If her story has touched you too:
- Read more about it on her website Help Bring Peri Home
- Watch the Dr. Phil show on December 11, 2009
- Make a financial contribution to her legal costs
- Contact Carla if you have any ideas for other resources that could help with her trial or in finding a way to continue her work in California
{ 49 comments… read them below or add one }
This story is very upsetting. My heart goes out to Carla, Peri, and her other children. I hope that they are able to emerge from this and find wholeness and healing on the other side.
I am so upset for this mom, and furious at the adoptive family – and I say this as an adoptee myself (for what it’s worth). I hope the Dr. Phil show helps her raise all the money she needs for the battle!
My heart just breaks for Carla and Perl. At this point no one can really win in this situation. Because the parents lied Carla is left with no choice but to do this and to do what she feels is best. However, even if she wins she has already lost. And Perl has lost. This is her family and she will lose them and it stinks for her.
I always thought that open adoption agreements were not legally binding. I have read that birth parents have little to no recourse in this type of situation. So good for Carla for fighting and hopefully changing the law so that other birth mother’s can feel secure that their open adoptions will be upheld. *sigh* I am just so sad.
Am I missing something here? This mother gave her baby up for adoption for questionable reasons in the first place. She had a roof above her head, a husband, another daughter, and where there is enough food and shelter for 3, there is always enough for a 4th, especially when it is your own child we are talking about!!! You don’t just give it to someone else to raise (read ‘pay for expenses’) while expecting to have all other parental privileges? What was the adoptive mother to do – just house, clothe and feed the child, while allowing the constant presence of the ‘real mother’, ‘real sister’ and ‘real father’ of her daughter?? This SHOULD be a lesson, but not in the sense you seem to imply. It should be a lesson about NOT giving up your child. What Carla did is unforgiveable.
@Alina: I think that is a very simple perspective on the situation. What if there isn’t really enough food and shelter for 3? Then adding a 4th could be the breaking point. What if they could barely afford child care for one child and couldn’t afford to not work, but also couldn’t afford to put a second child into day care? Regardless of why exactly Carla agreed to give up her child, she did it only because this couple solicited and agreed to a very open adoption. If that isn’t what they wanted, they shouldn’t have pretended to. If she hadn’t been lied to, perhaps Carla would have made a different decision.
Hi just wanted to say I guess their are two Alina’s out there in the world!!! I am a long-time reader of Annie’s blog and KellyMom member.
Why is placing a child for adoption (a merciful, kind act), “unforgiveable”? This point-of-view is “adoption as punishment for the mother”, not adoption as the best option for the child.
Obviously, the best thing for the child is AS MANY CARING ADULTS IN THEIR LIVES AS POSSIBLE. Why would you exclude anyone who cares for the child, particularly blood relatives? (Only if you believe that the nuclear family, even an unrelated one, is self-evidently superior, and lots of us stopped believing that eons ago.
What was the adoptive mother to do – just house, clothe and feed the child, while allowing the constant presence of the ‘real mother’, ‘real sister’ and ‘real father’ of her daughter??
What she promised to do. No more and no less.
Why are you accepting outright LIES from the adoptive family? How horrifying to discover that these lying sleazoids are the people you turned your baby over to!
I agree, but requesting to reverse the adoption just shows how the decision to put the child up for adoption in the first place was taken lightly. It is not like choosing a babysitter, where you can change your mind if things don’t work out. It is making another person your child’s parent. So I absolutely can’t take care of this child – but oh, if I don’t get completely my way about seeing her as often as I please – then maybe I’ll find a way to care for her. Seeing your child once a year IS, in fact, an open adoption. The selfishness of this story goes on every level: first, the decision to give up Peri for adoption was made in the interest of her parents and sister not having to endure the extra-burden; second, as long as Carla gets her way, there is no concern for what this battle would do to Peri’s life and how she will turn out being in the midst of such conflict; third, how about the adopting family who are facing separation from their child, not to mention having to go through this?
My point is – the truth is probably somewhere in the middle and this did not need to be made into a national drama where everybody’s heart ‘goes out to Carla’. It is not clear to me Peri is not doing great where she is. It is a sad situation, where a mother realized that she has made a mistake, but instead of accepting the consequences and putting her daughter’s best interest above all, she is making everyone else pay for it.
I think you make some really good points. It is a very sad story, it does seem that Carla was misled, but it is true all stories have more than one side to them. And I also worry, how will Peri fare in all this, no matter what the outcome?
Alina,
You may wish to read my website (BringPeriHome.com), which explains why I made the decision to try to regain custody of Peri. First of all, I did not want to place her into adoption–it almost destroyed me to do it–but I did it because I believed SHE would be healthier (it would take a long time to explain everything that was going on at the time). Because of how things transpired with Susan and Demyn–who I believed they were and the fact that Peri would be able to grow up having a close relationship with her older sister–I ultimately came to believe that the adoption was meant to be for Peri’s sake.
I am trying to regain custody because I realized that Susan and Demyn had gone through a detailed, pre-planned scheme (this is explained on the website) to lie to us, from day one, lie to the adoption counselor, and lie to the Court–all to get a child–and I couldn’t leave Peri with people who could callously do that kind of thing (they have also been really cold and harsh with her in front of us, so it’s not just the fraud that scares me, although that’s huge). I am very aware of the importance of bonding and attachment (it’s a critical part of my babies-at-work work) and would NEVER have tried to regain custody if I could believe that she was happy and healthy with Susan and Demyn. I have many, many reasons to believe that she is not–and that things will only get worse as she grows older, if I do not regain custody. That is why I am doing this. Frankly, this lawsuit has just about destroyed me emotionally and financially (and physically–I’ve lost a huge amount of weight since this began)–I’ve been handling it myself for over two years, writing documents, doing my own research, reading Susan and Demyn’s attorney’s vicious made-up comments about my supposed personality… It would be “easier” for me to give up–but I refuse to abandon Peri to people I believe are deeply, deeply unhealthy.
Carla
I saw this story on TV and wondered then about the choice that Carla made. It seemed that she put up Peri because she wanted to keep Charlie. And I wonder…how is it that she had yet ANOTHER child and found room for that one? She only had Alpha during the episode on TV.
Demyn and Susan weren’t the type of people I would have chosen, but Carla and Charlie did. I believe that Carla is going to have to live with her decision. To move Peri at this point would be selfish..she is currently with the only people she knows as her parents. What happens if Carla has a difficult decision again that involves a man?
Dyan,
I did *not* place Peri to “keep Charlie”–I placed her because I believed at the time that Susan and Demyn would give her the life I wanted her to have. At the time, *because of who I believed Susan and Demyn were*, I believed that Peri would be in a better situation with them than in the unstable situation we were in. I did it for her–in spite of what the adoption did to me–because my kids are the ones who matter.
I would ask–have you placed a child into adoption? If not, I would suggest that it is virtually impossible to understand how people come to that decision and what it does to a person (I really had NO idea how agonizing it would be). People don’t place babies into adoption because it’s *easier* for them–it basically feels like you’re ripping out part of your soul. I had thirty days to change my mind after Peri went home with Susan and Demyn, and it took everything I had not to take her back–it was unbelievably devastating going through with the adoption–and the reason I didn’t take her back was that I believed, at the time, that she would be better off with them, again because of *who I believed they were*, which was rooted in their claimed dedication to an open adoption in which she would grow up still having a relationship with us and especially with Alpha. Their determination for Peri to have a continued relationship with our family was integral to who I thought they were (and what it said about their focus on a child’s needs) and why I believed she would be in a good situation with them. If I had known at the time that they were lying to me, I would have immediately taken Peri back.
Echo was unplanned, and Charlie filed for divorce a week after her birth. Susan and Demyn had severely cut off our contact with Peri at that point. I was determined to do whatever it took to give both Alpha and Echo a good life–I moved to Massachusetts alone when Echo was 3 weeks old, so that both girls would be close to both Charlie and me (he had already moved for a job, before he decided to actually file for divorce), I found a good job, and got Alpha into a private school and Echo into a fantastic day care, and we made it work and both girls have thrived (except for their difficulties from not being able to see Peri).
At each point in life, you make the best decisions you can for your children based on what you know at the time. If the fraud in Peri’s adoption had been perpetrated by the adoption agency, I would not be suing for custody–the fraud would still be wrong in principle, but I wouldn’t disrupt her situation at this point if I believed she was healthy. But the people who committed the fraud are the ones *raising her*–they obtained her illegally. Under *any* other circumstance, people who illegally obtain a child don’t get to argue that they should get to *keep* her–they’re not considered the child’s parents, much less fit parents. There are many other things I have seen from Susan and Demyn (along with a methodical plan to defraud us and refusal to be reasonable at all even when they saw how serious we were about maintaining the openness and how important it was for Alpha (and now Echo as well)) that make me certain that I need to do what I can to overturn the adoption–these are not healthy people. Healthy people don’t come up with a pre-planned scheme to defraud a family in order to get a child.
Carla
Carla,
No, I have not put a child up for adoption. I have four; now all grown and married now. I do sympathize with your situation and applaud those who choose adoption when it benefits the child. What I didn’t see in your case was a situation that warrented such a move. (only you could know that) What I do know is that I wanted to jump through the TV when I saw your choice. Susan and Demyn were a couple who for many years chose their jobs over having a family. I felt that they thought from their “brains”, not their “hearts” as they went through the process. It was clear that Charlie was disconnected too. I can’t help but ask…why not prevent another pregnacy when you saw how Charlie reacted to the birth of Peri? I am sorry for your pain, but I think that it will be very difficult to find fraud in these two professional people unless they are abusing Peri? NOTE: Just so you understand me better…My daughter is unable to have children and I would love it if there was someone who would put their child up for adoption for her and her husband. They are wonderful, loving people who would sacrifice anything to be parents. Not so with Susuan and Demyn. I believe in adoption…I take in foster children and runaways..I believe in doing what is right for the child…so in the end I hope that Peri will be the one who benefits from this battle. I share your sadness…
Dyan,
Susan and Demyn’s comment in the show about never really thinking much about having kids came as a surprise to me, too–and actually is part of my evidence in the case. They *had* told us that they had always wanted kids but had wanted to wait until they were in a position to really do it right financially and be able to have one of them home with the child pretty much all the time (they didn’t do that, it turned out–both of them work pretty much full-time). But by that point (Peri was five months old when the show first aired), I was still so convinced that they were such wonderful people and dedicated to openness and giving Peri a good life that the comment didn’t seem that important.
Birth control methods don’t always work as planned, unfortunately. I pretty much freaked out when I found out I was pregnant with Echo. I can’t imagine my life without her and I made things work well for her and Alpha, but six weeks after she was born (the earliest I could), I took a more reliable step to ensure an accidental pregnancy will *not* happen again.
As to Peri, the case will be based on the components of fraud–intent, misrepresentations, reliance, etc. I have considerable evidence of the fraud (including an admission of fraudulent intent–Susan and Demyn were incredibly arrogant at the beginning of this lawsuit and freely admitted that they were never willing to actually have the adoption be legally open). I am supportive of adoption to help children who need help–I’m also supportive of honesty and integrity and not perpetrating a detailed plan to lie to a family to get a baby–personally, I think that’s incredibly disturbing for people to be able to do that sort of thing, and from a legal standpoint, if I prove the fraud, the adoption isn’t legal (and they’re not and never were Peri’s legal parents). Also, given how effortlessly they misrepresented who they were (in many ways, not just in terms of openness), it really scares me what other aspects of their personalities they were/are hiding.
I am sorry to hear about your daughter. I don’t know her feelings on open adoption, but if it’s something she’s open to, I would strongly suggest having her contact Ellen Roseman (http://adoption-facilitator.org/). She is an amazing woman and has done over 2,000 open adoptions over the years–she’s incredibly ethical and totally focused on the needs of the child (and also helps families to have healthy relationships with each other).
Take care. I wish you all the best.
Carla
“Birth control methods don’t always work as planned, unfortunately.”
Precisely. Nothing is 100%, even when used faithfully and correctly. That’s what happened to me.
I think this is a really difficult story to judge, but also a difficult story to support, for various reasons on both sides. I can’t empathize because I don’t think I could ever do what this woman did, but then like I said, this is a hard one to judge, not fully understanding all the variable involved. I look forward to finding the time to watch Dr. Phil’s take on it today. Thanks for the post.
Being in my line of work (litigation lawyer) I have learned countless times that “the story” is never (I repeat, NEVER) exactly as presented by one side. There is always more to it and I feel very uncomfortable jumping to Carla’s defence without hearing from the adoptive parents first.
And here is what the Court found:
“Shortly after P.s birth, plaintiff and Charlie relinquished their parental rights to IAC for the designated purpose of adoption by defendants. P. was placed in defendants home in February 2004 under the supervision of IAC. IAC submitted a final report to Santa Clara County Superior Court on August 5, 2004, consenting to the adoption and recommending that it be granted. There is no indication that either the Preliminary Agreement or a Contact After Adoption Agreement form (Judicial Council Forms, form ADOPT-310) was submitted for the courts review. On September 15, 2004, the superior court entered an adoption order, having found the adoption to be in P.s best interests. The court did not grant post-adoption contact privileges pursuant to Family Code section 8616.5.”
So there was no agreement that was reneged on; only a statement of intention (non-binding) that was never formalized by the courts.
Natalieushka,
Unfortunately, the open adoption agreements are never binding. The parents can say anything they want and renig on it and the biological mother has very little that she can do about it. However, I do not think it should be that way. I do think it should be a binding contract so that situations like this do not happen. Personally, I disagree with Carla suing to regain custody – that is not in Perl’s best interest. However, I do understand that she is left with very little recourse and that she feels like she must do something. I get that. And I cannot fault her for that.
I do agree whole heartedly with the first thing you said though. I am 100% positive there is more to this story tahn we know. More than Carla’s side. And I would say my heart goes out to Perl – because all that can happen for her here is that she can loose – if Carla wins (and personally as an adoptive mom who is kind of sick of the importance placed on the biological component I hope she does not) Perl is going to loose the family she knows and loves and I do not care who is there to make the transition easy – loosing your family is something you never get over.
@natalieushka: According to Carla’s story, there was not only an agreement that was reneged on. There was also a signed agreement that was never filed with the courts. Both parties signed it. Carla trusted the adoptive parents to file the agreement. But they never did. I’m sure she’s kicking herself now for not walking that document to the court house herself, but hindsight is 20/20.
Looks like it shook out exactly as they planned, didn’t it? Carla was had.
Natalieushka,
You’re right, there was no formal agreement filed with the Court–and that’s exactly what constitutes the fraud. Susan and Demyn signed a document that, by its own terms, was to be filed and made legally enforceable (and make the adoption legally open), and they have explicitly admitted in this case (I have documentation I can show you that’s already been made publicly available by a third party) that they were never willing to have a legal open adoption. Yet they went to an open adoption agency, told us they wanted extensive contact, participated in a nationally-televised documentary about the openness… and NEVER told us or the adoption counselor that they *weren’t actually willing* to have the adoption legally open or give us any legally enforceable contact.
I understand that you want to hear both sides–it’s a good instinct–but I just wanted to clarify the situation.
You might want to read my website–it explains a LOT more of the details.
Carla
@Carla: Is the documentation that you are referring to the one that I linked to in the post? If it is, people can access it directly there.
Actually, no, the documentation that they were never willing to file the agreement (and their claim that they would have pulled out of the adoption if they had to file it!) is in their brief in the appeal they filed in this case. It’s a huge document, and I haven’t linked to it from the website (it’s overwhelming for people to read–40+ pages, a lot of it legal analysis about application of statutes). But I have the pdf of it (and of the brief my side filed) for people who are interested. Pretty much everything else (that I can disclose under the confidentiality order, that prohibits me from actually releasing documents filed in the case that weren’t publicly available otherwise) is on my website, though.
Carla
Also, wanted to explain–if I had known that Susan and Demyn were not willing to have a legal open adoption, it would have called into question *everything* about who I believed they were–their claimed dedication to enabling Peri to have a close relationship with her biological family was integral to why I believed they would give Peri the life I wanted her to have. (Not to say that everyone has to have an open adoption–but it said a lot to me that they were so dedicated to maintaining those bonds.) If I had known they were not willing to file the agreement, I NEVER would have gone through with the adoption (as opposed to just making sure the agreement was filed). As the adoption counselor has said in an email to me, it would have been a huge red flag.
In my mind, the real question or issue is whether the adoptive parents:
(a) intended to have the type of relationship with Carla and her family that they both agreed to before the birth and then later found it too difficult, emotional, or whatever else and then tried to shut them out, or
(b) never intended to have a close relationship with the birth mother but were so desperate to get a baby that they fabricated a story in order to deceive someone into giving them a baby under false pretenses
In custody cases, the children are always the victims. But that doesn’t mean that the best solution is always to just leave them where they are and not rock the boat. There are lots of things that need to be considered and there is much that can be done to try to make transitions as smooth as possible.
None of us has all of the details from both sides and the court will be trying to get at that I’m sure.
What I do know for sure is that it makes me very sad for our society when:
- people who really want a child end have to resort to desperate measures to get one
- parents who want to keep their children are not able to due to the severely lacking support for parents through government policy (like paid maternity and parental leave) and workplace supports (like flexible work environments, babies at work programs, etc.)
“What I do know for sure is that it makes me very sad for our society when:
- people who really want a child end have to resort to desperate measures to get one
- parents who want to keep their children are not able to due to the severely lacking support for parents through government policy (like paid maternity and parental leave) and workplace supports (like flexible work environments, babies at work programs, etc.)”
Absolutely. I think we can all agree on that.
phdinparenting:
I completely agree on all counts. This would be a *completely* different situation if things had changed after the fact (and that was what they led us to believe for two years, actually). Completely understandable, completely normal, completely NOT a justification for trying to overturn the adoption. But that’s not what happened here (I believe the evidence shows). The only way the adoption will be overturned is if I can PROVE they committed fraud to get Peri–and if they did, doesn’t that, by itself, call their parenting skills and view of children as human beings (with independent needs and thoughts and feelings and questions…) into serious question? Aside from my deep concerns about how they’re actually treating Peri, how is she going to feel when she’s older and wants to know her background, if she finds out that the only reason she’s with them is because they *lied* to her biological family?
Carla
“how is she going to feel when she’s older and wants to know her background, if she finds out that the only reason she’s with them is because they *lied* to her biological family?”
No one who cares about this child would tell her something like that, even if it’s true, because it would damage her. If she ends up staying with the adoptive parents, it will be in her best interests for everyone to move on. If she is returned to her bio parents, it will be in her best interests for everyone to move on. There is no circumstance under which a child should be told about the sordid and hurtful details of her failed adoption.
You’re right that no responsible person would tell her while she is still a child. However, as she matures and seeks answers to the questions that naturally flow out of adoption, there’s no way she can be shielded from her own personal story. She may even learn it as an adolescent or teenager on the Internet. The point is that whenever she learns it, she will have a great many issues to deal with, not the least of which is trust in her parents. The only way her adoptive parents can hope to head off a potentially devastating outcome is to reverse course and open the lines of communication NOW!
Jo,
I agree as to the likelihood of Peri finding out eventually. And in this case, there was a nationally-televised documentary *about* the openness plan–which is still airing–it’s not like this was a quiet, private adoption. And Peri has sisters, who, at some point, are going to have a relationship with her and are undoubtedly going to talk about how much they wanted to see her/visit her all these years, and she’ll want to know why she didn’t get to have a relationship with them, especially considering how close the families were as of the time of the documentary (which is shown in that)…
They can’t hide it forever (and it really concerns me how they don’t seem to understand that)…
Carla
Carla, I watched your episode of Adoption Stories years ago (it is a favorite show of mine). I recognized you after seeing your picture on your website. I am so sorry you are going through all of this. As a person that is currently pursuing adoption through the foster system I can’t imagine basing the adoption on anything but the complete truth. My thoughts are with your and your family!
Wow! This sounds to me like a case of legalized kidnapping, and I hope the court rectifies it quickly!
Carla, I just want you to know, I support you in your quest to get custody of your daughter back.
I hope you win Carla. As an adoptee, and as a bioparent, as I am both, I hope you can get your daughter back.
How sad. Is the foster care system so awful that mothers in crisis who want a continued relationship with their children need to consider something as final as adoption?
This is a critical reason why I am doing what I am with babies in the workplace–families need *options* so they don’t feel like they have to resort to permanent “solutions” to temporary (if extreme) difficulties in order to ensure their children’s well-being…
Carla
Carla,
I have read the entire history section of your website and the thing is so much of it is your feelings on what they did/said. It is,obviously, one sided. Now do not get me wrong I do not fault you for that – it is your story and I am glad you are doing it. I simultaneously hope you lose and am thrilled that are you are fighting this. Because whether they actually committed fraud as you say or you simply got overly excited about your hopes and were not listening to what they were saying as it seems is possible this situation should not happen. It should all clearly be written down from day one. Demyn told you that you cannot force a relationship if both parties are not comfortable and that may be true but it is not about your relationship with Peri’s parents it is about yoru relationship with her and if you had a distinct contract with written out when and how often and how long visits were allowed you would see her more. Both parties needed lawyers to tell them what NEEDED to go in to that agreement.
The thing is in reading all that you have to say I think that Peri seems to be doing very well. And I hope you lose because I think it would not be right for her if you won. The thing is that as far as I can see they did not “legally” commit fraud. So, I hope you can get it changed for someone else but not to get Peri back. The way it looks to me is that while you could be right, it could also be a matter of them never actually saying what you think they did. Maybe you heard it because you were saying and you believed it. And I suppose you could say that they allowed you to believe it but that is not legally wrong (I am not even remotely saying it is not wrong I am only speaking from a legal perspective). BTW – why are you not suing for more visitation? You went from wanting more visitation (like you were led to believe you would have) to wanting full custody? Why didn’t you sue for what you feel your oral contract with Susan and Demyn was? That seems like the better option for Peri.
Regardless, I do wish nothing but good things for you and all three girls.
Upstate Mom:
I appreciate your support of my efforts from a precedent-setting perspective. I do believe that this case could be very important from that standpoint.
To address a few other points, I am suing for custody because the evidence is VERY clear (I can’t post all of it on the website due to confidentiality rules) that Susan and Demyn went through a methodical plan to defraud our family, and they have shown in numerous other ways that they are *not* healthy people, and I do not feel comfortable abandoning Peri to continue to be raised by them. I am trying to do what I believe is best for Peri.
This is not about “forcing a relationship”–Susan and Demyn made quite clear in the lawsuit documents that they NEVER (from the time they met us) intended to live up to their promise to provide an open adoption to our family–that they *always* intended a fully closed adoption in which they could cut us off at any time with impunity. Considering the lengths they went to to convince us (and the adoption counselor, and really everyone who watched the Discovery Channel documentary) of their dedication to openness and close relationship with our family, that pretty clearly constitutes fraud (procuring my consent to the adoption through intentional misrepresentations). This is obviously a simplification of the lengths they went to in the fraud, but this is the core of the case–and it’s pretty clear-cut from a legal standpoint.
I understand that you may see the situation differently, but I (and many others) firmly believe that fraud was committed here, and I cannot abandon Peri to people who could so callously and easily do what Susan and Demyn have done.
I’m not sure what leads you to believe that Peri is in a healthy environment, unless you’re privy to information I’m not aware of (if you are, I would be grateful if you would share it–I hope, fervently, that Peri *is* doing well right now–but I am very worried that she is not, and I believe that she will not be in a healthy place *at all* if I am not successful in my efforts).
Carla
I am not privy to any information. Honestly, my opinion (as unknowledgeble as it is – and I totally understand that I know nothing really)comes only from your site. The pictures of all of you together show a healthy, happy girl. I was really just curious as to why you made the decision you did and not the other. I should have said before that I have no judgment of you. I hope that this can all be resolved in a way that truly best suites Peri. I am honestly hoping that the court appoints a guardian et liteum for her. As for my opinion of it being fraud – well, I do not think I have enough evidence. From your site and the clippings you shared it seems like it is more of a situation where you may have heard what you wanted to hear. However, I understand that you are not in a position to share all that you have and of course, they are not sharing anything. So, in reality it is hard for me to decide.
Again, I truly hope that what is best for Peri (whatever that is – and I am sure that I and the million other people who have an opinion do not know what that is) is what happens. I am praying for all of you and a resolution to this. Oh and I do want to point out that no matter what happens – Peri will always know that you fought for her. So, even if things do not go your way she will always know ho wmuch you loved and wanted her. ANd I truly believe that that knowledge will be good for her.
I hope I have not offended you. Good Luck
There’s a lot I’ve seen about Peri’s mental health (and that of Susan and Demyn) that isn’t on the website (for various reasons), but I totally understand your take on the pictures.
You haven’t offended me at all, truly. You want what is best for Peri, which is all I could ask–and all I want as well.
Take care!!
Carla
I have not had time to read through these comments fully, but I wanted to respond to the person who questioned why four could not live as cheaply as three: It’s called CHILD CARE COSTS. When mom HAS to work, baby has to go somewhere, and the costs can be overwhelming. Imagine being caught in a situation where you can’t afford to work and can’t afford not to. I was there once. My second pregnancy was very unplanned and caught us quite by surprise. There was no way to “downscale” our lifestyle: We lived in a tiny house on the “tough” side of town and drove lower-priced vehicles, yet we could NOT make it on my then-husband’s “local truck driver” salary alone. I quit my job about 7 months into my pregnancy to try to start a home business, but I didn’t have time to really get it off the ground and the income wasn’t enough. The person who replaced me at the old job didn’t work out, so my boss offered me my old job back at an increased salary but with increased work and responsibility. Since I had a job that didn’t deal with the public nor require me to work a specific range of hours (as it was more task-oriented), I was able to bring the baby to work for the first 5 months. She then got to be too much for me to handle while getting any work done, so I was fortunate to find a day care center within walking distance of my office, and my boss let me clock out and walk down there to nurse her anytime I needed to. Still, it was a very difficult time in my life, as I worked long hours just to try to get all of my tasks at work accomplished. I remember it as being among the most difficult times of my life. I can’t even imagine how things might have turned out if the situation had not worked out the way it had, with the flexible hours, the increased pay, and the day care center nearby. I feel very fortunate.
my wife lost her daughhter 12 years ago due to drugs and being homeless. we have both came a long ways since then. she is 14 now and is having alot of problems. she found us on myspace and about 3 monts ago we went to orgon to see her 2 times and she got to come here to sacramento for the week of christmas. she does very well here we treat her with dignity and respect. we seen first hand how degrading they are towards her. they call her crazy tell her things and weeks later tell her they neve said that. it really stinkis and we want hewr to grow into a strong young woman. do we have any kind of action to get her back here with us or do the adoptive parents have ALL the rights? please help
Richard,
Given your wife’s daughter’s age, I wonder if she might have emancipation rights–if she could go to court and ask to live with you instead. I don’t know the age of consent for that sort of thing, but I’ve heard of teenagers “divorcing” their parents in extreme cases–and if she’s that miserable and they’re treating her that badly, and you’re in a healthy situation now, I would think a court would be receptive to her wishes (or if not yet, maybe when she’s a year or two older, worst case). Worth looking into, at least…
Carla
“Alina December 11, 2009 at 10:48 am
I agree, but requesting to reverse the adoption just shows how the decision to put the child up for adoption in the first place was taken lightly. It is not like choosing a babysitter, where you can change your mind if things don’t work out. It is making another person your child’s parent. So I absolutely can’t take care of this child – but oh, if I don’t get completely my way about seeing her as often as I please – then maybe I’ll find a way to care for her. Seeing your child once a year IS, in fact, an open adoption. The selfishness of this story goes on every level: first, the decision to give up Peri for adoption was made in the interest of her parents and sister not having to endure the extra-burden; second, as long as Carla gets her way, there is no concern for what this battle would do to Peri’s life and how she will turn out being in the midst of such conflict; third, how about the adopting family who are facing separation from their child, not to mention having to go through this?
My point is – the truth is probably somewhere in the middle and this did not need to be made into a national drama where everybody’s heart ‘goes out to Carla’. It is not clear to me Peri is not doing great where she is. It is a sad situation, where a mother realized that she has made a mistake, but instead of accepting the consequences and putting her daughter’s best interest above all, she is making everyone else pay for it.”
My thoughts exactly!!!!!!!!!!
Hi, Sara, not sure if you read my response to Alina’s original post, but I would suggest that to actually understand the situation–and the decisions that were made–you read my website about Peri. Or talk to another mother who has placed her child into adoption. Virtually nobody makes that kind of decision for their own sake–they do it in spite of the agony, because they want to do what they believe to be the right thing for their child. I am fighting to get Peri out of Susan and Demyn’s house because healthy people don’t do what they did, and just as I placed her for adoption because I believed that was the best thing for her, now that I know who Susan and Demyn truly are, I know I need to do whatever I can to bring Peri back home with her sisters.
Carla
Here is an update and request for help from Carla:
The trial that will determine Peri’s childhood starts in two weeks (March 22). I am writing to ask for your help–through donating or through forwarding this email to others–in helping me to succeed at the trial and to regain custody of Peri from the people who illegally obtained her adoption.
The case is looking very, very good. At this point, Susan and Demyn’s main strategy appears to be to try to exclude as much evidence as possible. Their lawyer has made clear that he plans to try to prevent the ink dating expert from testifying at the trial as to the test results of the handwritten note (a critical piece of documentation in the case) that Susan and Demyn claimed was created in July 2005 (http://www.bringperihome.com/today.html). He has also said that he plans to try to keep out evidence of what was said at the meeting in which our families filled out the Post-Adoption Contact Agreement with the adoption counselor (well before Peri was even born). This is a preposterous position, especially considering that Susan and Demyn described their own version of events from this meeting in their first sworn statements in this case. Their real goal is to keep out the testimony of the adoption counselor as to the extensive contact they promised to our family.
I quit my job as a legal secretary as of March 1st, because it was the only way to have enough time to make everything work out for Peri. I am focusing my time on trial preparation and strategy, as well as launching a new membership community for the Parenting in the Workplace Institute to bring in enough money so that I can work from California during and after the trial (during a transition of Peri to my care, assuming that I am successful at trial).
I will put in as much time and work as it takes to make this happen. The critical issue right now, though, is money. I need to raise enough money ($10,000) to pay for the time of the ink dating expert, Erich Speckin, to testify about the handwritten note, as well as the money (as close to $30,000 as possible) to hire my fantastic consulting lawyer, Paul Thorndal, to be with me during the trial. At this point, I have decided that it makes sense (unless I raise a huge amount more money than this) for me to handle the trial myself and have Paul there to help me with procedural issues such as objections and ensuring that Susan and Demyn’s lawyer does not try to manipulate the process.
If you want to see Peri come home to a life of love and trust and to grow up with her sisters as was her promised birthright, or if you want to help to bring about the likely precedent in this case condemning falsely promising an open adoption (much less the premeditated, methodical fraud that Susan and Demyn committed), please help any way you can.
I am also willing to borrow the money necessary to make this work out, as long as I could wait a while before starting to pay it back. I will do whatever it takes to ensure Peri’s health and happiness.
Even a donation of $10 or $20 would be useful and appreciated; every donation, of any amount, makes it that much more likely that I will be able to bring Peri home. Donation information is at (http://www.bringperihome.com/support.html); you can make a targeted donation there, if you wish, for trial preparation, hiring the ink dating expert (Erich Speckin), or hiring my lawyer (Paul Thorndal).
Thank you so much for your support and generosity; it means everything to our family.
Carla Moquin
carla@bringperihome.com
http://www.bringperihome.com
http://www.babiesatwork.org
the adoptive parents did not commit fraud…the courts have ruled….fraud was all in carla’s mind, but not factual and definitely not the true actions of this loving adopting couple..you have only heard carla’s side…but the court heard from BOTH sides….the couple dearly wanted to have an open relationship with carla, but carla was intrusive, did not respect their boundaries, and the couple had to limit the contact because carla was interferring with their family…instead of carla backing off and accept this and letting the relatiion grow in trust and respect, carla sued them and claims they were fraudulent…blamed the adoptive couple and refuses to accept responsibility for her own actions…it is tragic…however, the parents of the child have the right to make decisions in the best interest of the child and their family…carla changed her mind about her adoption after she had a 3rd child…the guilt carla felt was tremendous, and now she is harassing and slandering these people who dearly love their daughter and have only been honest and upfront with carla…the adoption was finalized and the couple continue to allow contact in a controled setting once a year because carla has proven to be unstable and refuses to listen to the adoptive parents or respect their wishes…carla needs counseling and to parent her family and stop libeling and slandering this couple that the courts have ruled did no wrong…
I had heard bits and pieces of this case over the last while and imagine my surprise when I realized that you’d written about it, Annie. What an awful, sad story – my daughter is about Peri’s age and I can only imagine what a trauma like this would do to her.
As an adoptee (and prospective adoptive parent), it’s hard for me to imagine how parents would exclude a birth family who loves their child from their lives – there are few more cruel things than to attempt to erase history for your own ego.
That said, it seems to me that a great of this rests on whether the agreement was legally vs. morally enforceable – and this is where I don’t fall in with the open adoption herd.
Legally enforceable adoption agreements at the level that this case would require are an extraordinary imposition on parental rights. An extraordinary one that’s not in the best interest of children – more than anything else, kids really do need to have a parent who has ultimate authority. That’s at the core of a lot what we do as advocates in mothering and attachment parenting – allowing legal agreements to infringe on that does no good.
Now, clearly, when that authority is abused, society has mechanisms to keep kids safe – if Peri is in that kind of danger, then surely her well-being needs to be seen to by the appropriate authorities. It makes me feel unwell to see this child as being “obtained by fradulent means” – she’s a human being and, whether her parents acted ethically or not, they most certainly are her parents to her.
I am so very sorry for all your losses, Carla and those of all three of your girls – I hope the road ahead brings you some closure and comfort as well as healthy reunion in time.
Hi, Michelle,
Thanks for your kind thoughts. The case is actually focused on prior intent to *never* have the agreement be legally enforceable, while actively leading us to believe that they were instead dedicated to a true open adoption–it’s about prior, premeditated fraud, not just failing to live up to their promises about contact (although they did in fact not live up to their promises either).
I’m not sure how much experience you have with high-contact open adoptions, but there is a tremendous amount of data coming out that they are actually extremely healthy for children–they bond with all of their parents (biological and adoptive), they understand the delineations of roles, and they have two families whom they know are dedicated to them and love them completely. One of my experts, Ellen Roseman, *only* does fully-open, high-contact open adoptions (and has done more than 2,000 in her long career) with very positive impacts for all involved, especially the children (who are her core focus). And she is very knowledgeable and focused on attachment issues, from infancy onward.
I agree with you that it is appalling to think of a human being being “obtained by fraudulent means”–which is why I am so determined to bring Peri home if at all possible. Good people–healthy people–do not commit fraud to gain custody of a child–a human being with her own desires and needs and goals and independent views on the world. Abducting a baby from a hospital does not make the abductors the child’s parents in society’s eyes–obtaining custody of a baby by other illegal means should not be any different.
However, that being said, I am still (and will remain) fully intent on keeping Peri in regular, ongoing contact with S&D if I do regain custody of her, because she does, as you point out, view them as her parents and has (I hope, for her sake) a close bond with them, and I would never minimize or take that away from her. I have a number of extremely well-respected adoption experts who are prepared to help with a careful transition plan and ongoing contact plan if I am ultimately successful in being granted custody.
Thank you again for your comments and take care.
Carla