Have you ever looked at your toddler with amazement, confusion or frustration, wondering why on earth they are doing what they are doing? I know I have.

I found babies so easy. Their cries generally meant one of a very small number of things — they were hungry, they were tired, they were wet, they were cold, or they just needed to be held close.  But with toddlers, I often found myself scratching my head trying to figure them out. Sometimes it is fun, because they can be so unexpected and free. Other times, when we can’t figure out what they want or why they are doing something, it can be downright frustrating.

When you find yourself asking — Why is my toddler acting like that? What is up with that behaviour?   –  consider these factors:

• Age-Appropriateness: Is your child’s behaviour age appropriate? Our toddlers often act like toddlers. The problem, in a lot of cases, is that adults expect toddlers to understand a lot more or be able to handle a lot more than they can. If your toddler starts acting out, it may simply be that you are asking too much in that situation. This is a scenario we found ourselves in often when we were in public with our toddlers. Sometimes, we really were pushing the limits of how much they could handle, how much we could throw their routine off, how late they could stay out, how patient they could be, and we often found out the hard way that we had pushed a bit too much. That doesn’t mean that you can’t try to do things with your toddler that are out of the ordinary (we often did), but it means that you need to be prepared for potential meltdowns and have a plan for how to deal with them in a way that is respectful to everyone involved.

• Not Being Listened To: Your toddler probably notices you talking, but what are you saying? Are you talking at your toddler or are you speaking with your toddler? Are you taking the time to mirror what your toddler is saying or thinking or feeling, so that they know that they are being heard? Even if you have to say “no” when they want you to say “yes”, helping them see that you do understand how they feel and have taken their perspective into consideration can make communication much smoother. You can also check out these tips from MaMammalia on speaking respectfully to your toddler.

• Need to Assert Independence: Toddlers are figuring out who they are. They need the opportunity to assert their independence, to try to doing things on their own, to make choices (and find out what the consequences of those choices are). They also need the opportunity to lead, which can be especially fun. Create opportunities for your child to make the decisions, whether it is about which side of the street to walk on or what to eat for dinner. Let them lead you around the house, around the yard, around the playground, or even around your neighbourhood.

More Resources?

Are you still looking for more ideas to help navigate through the toddler years? Check out these great posts with advice and stories:

• Kate from One Tired Ema (@onetiredema) wrote about using sign language with her children. Two way communication is so important with toddlers because they want to express themselves and be heard. Using more than 200 signs, Kate was able to communicate with her son who had a speech delay.
• Naomi from Standard Spicy Whatnot wrote about how much (un)helpful assistance she gets from her housework saboteurs every day.
• Louise (@louisegleeson) at Late Night Plays is a busy woman. With four kids in the house, she doesn’t have a lot of time to beat around the bush. In the A,B,C’s of toddlerhood, she gets right to the point in explaining how she survives the toddler years.
• Instead of stressing about eating, phases, sleep and things, Connie (@modern_mama) from Modern Mama Musings talks about communication, distraction, picking your battles and more as keys to surviving the toddler years.
• When our toddlers are sick, or screaming, or out of control, we all sometimes run to Dr. Google for answers. Momma, PhD (@mazafratz) gives parents of toddlers some advice on how to find reliable sources on the Internet in Be Careful Who You Ask.
• Ultimately, surviving the toddler years comes down to being the parent your toddler needs you to be. Jayda (@EatWholeBeVital) from Mom PhD wrote about how she may not always have been the best wife, sister, daughter or friend when her kids were toddlers, but that the fog of toddlerhood “keeps your focus on that little shining light; your toddler.” 

Finally, I want you to read the words of @naptimewriting. In her post, Open Letter to My Toddler, she started out:

Dearest Butterbean,

Thank you. You’re right.

I say that because all of the delightful, delicious, maddening, exhausting things you do teach me something. All of them. In a tasty, hilarious, infuriating, depleting way. Did I mention adorable? And exhausting, did I mention that?

She goes on to thank her toddler, beautifully, for all the ways he makes her look at the world differently. That really is the magic of the toddler years — getting to see the world from their perspective. The more we stop to see the world through their eyes, the easier it will be to get through the tough days and the more we’ll be able to enjoy the magic of that age.

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In Saturday’s Globe and Mail their interior design expert answered a reader question about style and kids’ toys. In the “Ask a Designer” column, a parent asked whether there is a good way to organize and conceal kids toys that is both stylish and child-friendly.

Instead of design or organizational advice, what the reader got was an earful of unnecessary and probably unwanted parenting advice. Dee Dee Taylor Eustace’s answer started out with:

I am a firm believer that people should make kids adapt to the rules, as opposed to childproofing a house.

Good that she at least got her adultist viewpoint out in the open right at the start of the article. She goes on to say [emphasis mine]:

It is unbelievable how many children today have the worst table etiquette and don’t know the difference between playrooms and formal rooms. This is more confusing if your formal room is also the playroom, so, to avoid therapy down the road for both you and them, enroll the kids in a manners class to teach them how to treat one’s surroundings and fellow playmates with respect.

Interestingly, in a recent column where she answered a question about soundproofing due to tenants who listened to music that was too loud, she didn’t suggest schooling the tenants on their bad manners. Instead she gave soundproofing advice and then ended her column with a suggestion of sending in a few song requests, because “if you can’t beat them, join them.”

Back on the column about toys in the living room, she finishes her answer with another piece of advice:

Ultimately, lead by example: Instead of telling them how to play, show them how to play by playing with them, no cellphone allowed.

Ah, yes. Because parents with cellphones are the reason for ill-mannered children and messy living rooms, just as they are at the root of all problems in our society these days.

Image credit: mr. toaster on flickr

When people ask how to discipline their toddler, they are often looking for a silver bullet that will get their toddler to behave or at least stop doing things that are destructive or dangerous. Even I have looked for that magic solution, when all else fails. But it doesn’t exist. Discipline is a path, not a quick fix.

A lot of people think immediately about punishment when they think about discipline (especially those who are saying “but you HAVE to discipline your child or they’ll turn into a little MONSTER”). But discipline is about teaching, not punishment. Just as you wouldn’t punish your toddler for not being able to read as soon as you explain the concept of the ABCs, your toddler also isn’t going to understand right and wrong, appropriate and inappropriate, safe and unsafe, the first, the second, the third or even the ninety-ninth time that you explain it.

I think of toddler discipline as a process — kind of like “wash, rinse, repeat”, except that you’re never really done.

What are the 3 Rs of Toddler Discipline?

Teaching in school is all about the 3 Rs of reading, writing and arithmetic. Toddler discipline also has three Rs — repetition, reaction, and reassurance.

Repetition

As I mentioned earlier, things aren’t going to sink in the first time that you say them. As a parent or caregiver to a toddler, you will have to redirect your toddler over and over again. As you see them trying to climb onto the counter again, as they pull the cat’s tail again, as they smear mashed potatoes on your laptop again, just keep reminding them that it isn’t okay.

I like to use a three step approach of:

• explaining what they shouldn’t be doing (not just a simple “no”, but actually describing what they shouldn’t be doing to ensure that it is clear what you are talking about)
• explaining why they shouldn’t be doing it (in plain, simple language)
• suggesting an alternative

As your toddler gets a bit more mature, you can also try asking your toddler what a good alternative would be. Wherever possible, be physically present as you are doing it (i.e. not yelling from the next room), get down to their level, and touch them as you are talking to them.

It is important to be consistent too in terms of the repetition. If it is funny one day for the toddler to pull the cat’s tail, but off limits the next day, that will be confusing. Decide what is reasonably allowed and not allowed and try to be as consistent as possible in delivering your message.

Reaction

In the context of toddler discipline, reaction can have several meanings.

First, I think it means being on the ball and watching your toddler carefully enough that you can react and catch them before they get injured or destroy property. You can be proactive to a certain extent by ensuring your house is child-friendly, but generally having a watchful eye and being prepared to step in is an important, but exhausting part of toddlerhood. That doesn’t mean you have to hover at all times, but you do have to be aware.  Naomi from Standard Spicy Whatnot wrote a nice post about the difficulty finding the balance between letting her daredevil toddler have the freedom to explore and keeping him safe.

Second, reaction means controlling your own reaction. Toddlers are notorious for trying to get a rise out of you. They want your attention, both good and bad. They may hit you, throw food on the floor, spread ketchup on the walls, or run away from you just to get a reaction out of you. We had problems with this during diaper changes for a while. Our son would kick us constantly, we would get upset, and he would just do it more and more. After a while, we realized that he was reveling in the reaction. So we stopped reacting. We simply said “no kicking” in a calm voice and held his legs. Sometimes it took two of us to change his diaper, but we didn’t give him the reaction he was looking for. Eventually, he got bored of it and stopped. Staying calm and being patient is key.  If we are yelling and screaming, then we teach our toddlers that that is a good way to communicate.

Reassurance

Toddlers need their parents to reassure them that everything is going to be okay. They are learning and developing fast and that can be overwhelming. Just as a child who is learning a new skill (like learning to ride a bike) needs lots of reassurance and encouragement, your toddler does too. Give them plenty of hugs, and time to connect, even and especially when it seems like they are really needy. Help build up their confidence by letting them accomplish things on their own and show you that they’ve done it. Part of reassurance is also ensuring that your toddler knows what to expect and what is going to happen next. Helping your toddler gently through transitions, instead of suddenly yanking them out of a situation will make things much easier for both of you.

Those are my 3 Rs of toddler discipline. Nothing magical about them and no guarantees that anything will be better tomorrow. But I do think that they are important building blocks for a developing toddler and will help them to learn appropriate boundaries within a loving environment.

Toddler Discipline Resources

Maybe you’re looking for some more ideas? I don’t parent “by the book” (any book), but I do sometimes find gentle parenting books and gentle parenting blogs to be useful places to get ideas for alternatives, especially when you’re frustrated and feel like nothing is working.

• My Discipline Spectrum applies to all ages, not specifically to toddlers. I think it is a good idea to figure out what your spectrum or compass is going to be when your kids are young, so that you will have a mindset with which to approach discipline.
• I love this list of 101 things to do instead of yelling or spanking by Dionna (@codenamemama). This is less about controlling your child and more about controlling yourself, but is a very important resource indeed.
• Sylvia from MaMammalia wrote a wonderful series of posts on toddler discipline. Back in May, she wrote a post called 8 Gentle Strategies to Foster Toddler Compliance. Her approach centers around creating a partnership between the parent and the child where both of their needs are taken into consideration. Makes sense, doesn’t it? We’re all more likely to listen and be willing to help others if we feel like we are being listened to and respected. But Sylvia knew something was missing when she wrote that post and when it came time to write something for this Carnival of Toddlers, she found the missing piece. Sometimes as parents, we do have to put our foot down and Sylvia gives us some ideas for handling a defiant and insistent “NO” from your toddler in 10 Loving Ways to Handle Toddler Defiance.
• One of my favourite books for toddler discipline (and child discipline in general) is Playful Parenting.
• If you are struggling to figure out what your discipline style should be, The Discipline Book (by Dr. Sears) may be the book for you. It talks about numerous different techniques and gives parents a true toolbox to choose from. As I mentioned in my review of the book, I don’t agree with everything in it, but I think it provides a balanced view of a lot of different approaches.
• The No Cry Discipline Solution (by Elizabeth Pantley)was recommended by Mel Gallant (@melgallant).
• Shanhila recommended Alfie Kohn’s article Five Reasons to Stop Saying “Good Job!”. If you like that article, you can also check out his book Unconditional Parenting, which I found interesting, even if it was a bit condescending in tone and didn’t offer a lot of practical solutions. Or, if you want an amusing take on the “Good Job!” issue, check out Sharon’s (@sharondv) article 99 Ways to Say Great Job and 96 Phrases You Can Use During Sex.

There are also some specific discipline issues that come up during the toddler years that parents find challenging:

• Toilet Learning: Toilet learning is an issue for a lot of toddlers and a worry for a lot of parents. Check out  our experience with potty training,  Sarah’s (@inspiredparent) tips on Potty Learning with a Toddler, and Dionna’s (@codenamemama) Gentle Potty Learning Tips. Or, if you are still at the diaper change stage and finding that challenging, Dionna has some tips for Toddlers and Diaper Changes too.
• Losing the Pacifier: If your baby had a pacifier, then at some point they are going to have to let go of it. With ours, this went fairly smoothly (perhaps because they were still nursing when we took the pacifier away), but for some kids it can be quite a difficult process. Mel (@melgallant) wrote a post pondering their options in Soother Wars. Do you have any advice? Head over and help her out.
• Hitting: Of course, hitting your toddler is not okay. But what happens if your toddler hits you? Check out my 5 Strategies to Handle Toddler Hitting.
• Time Outs – Yes or No? I don’t think that time outs are a particularly effective form of discipline. But some parents who don’t want to spank their child, aren’t sure what else to do. Dionna (@codenamemama) put together Top 10 Ways To Avoid a Time Out and the Natural Parents Network (@natparnet) posted Six Alternatives to Time Out.

What other toddler discipline resources do you love? What are your thoughts on the 3Rs?

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Image credit: 3 Rs in order of appearance from left to right – christopher.woo, takomabibelot, lizjones112. Post contains affiliate links.

Time for another great Carnival of Toddlers guest post. I’ve always enjoyed the intelligent perspective that Natasha, Natural Urban Mama, brings to the attachment parenting world on her blog and in her tweets. I finally got to meet her at a conference in Toronto in October and now I’m pleased to welcome her to my blog to talk about toddler survival.

’tis the season folks. For merry-making, holiday decorating, gift shopping, cookie baking, party going and…

…nap-missing, sugary-treat indulging, schedule rearranging and toddler meltdown-ing. It is tough enough to get everything done and can be even more challenging when you have a toddler in tow!

Now, let’s be honest, the above things don’t just happen at this time of year. It is more like an all day every day challenge with toddlers, and they really are a finicky little bunch. Toddlers are in that special place where they want to explore and DO everything. Even if they may not be physically or mentally ready to do all these things. And as parents of toddlers, we are in that special place of wondering how our super cute, oh-so wonderful little baby was replaced by this screaming-in-the-middle-of-the-aisle-at-the-grocery-store, insists-on-putting-on-rubber-boots-every-day, not-sleeping, not-eating, oh-dear-god-please-help-me, child.

Fear not fellow parents, the toddler stage can be a scary place, but with a little bit of perseverance, a slightly better understanding of these little people and ourselves, we can all survive this stage together no matter what time of year it is.

Toddlers are simple folk. They are driven by their five senses. It is all about what they can touch, taste, see, hear and smell. This is how they are learning about their world. And in the midst of all this tactile learning, they are feeling a lot of strong feelings too and have NO clue what to do with them.

They waffle between being super clingy and very independent. They absolutely love the word ‘NO’ and will like to express any negative feelings they may have with hitting, biting or pushing and inevitably will do so to the kid of that mom who already thinks you are a bit off your parenting rocker! They want to do everything themselves and whatever it is they insist on doing often takes a very long time because they are easily distracted by shiny objects or… any kind of object really.

Developmentally, toddlers bodies and their new found physical abilities are allowing them more freedom of movement and exploration, but their brains are a little slower on the uptake and they lack the self-control and logical reasoning to always keep them safe.

This is where we come in.

Surviving the toddler years is kind of NOT about your kid. It is all about YOU.

And your job is Damage Control!!

And when I say damage control, I am talking more about the proactive kind, rather than the reactive kind. Another of my favourite motto’s for this stage, if I can borrow from the Boy Scouts, is ‘Be Prepared’!

One of the best parenting books that I have read is Judy Arnall’s ‘Discipline without Distress’. It was at a talk that Judy gave this past summer that I was introduced to this concept of damage control and that my attitude towards discipline and toddlerhood shifted.

As Judy says, “As parents of toddlers, it is our job to control the situation, control the environment, but never to control the toddler.” Acceptance is a powerful tool in your parenting arsenal and I highly recommend that you learn to use it more. Just like the Serenity Prayer says:

God grant me the serenity to

accept the things that I can not change;

the courage to change the things I can;

and the wisdom to know the difference.

You may want to keep this in mind when dealing with toddlers.

There are plenty of things that we can change in our lives with these little people to make it easier for everyone involved. We can child-proof unsafe areas of the house, we can remove objects of temptation from within their reach, we can eliminate the ‘sharing’ issues by putting away unshare-able toys when friends come over for play-dates. You can pick up and physically remove your child from a situation that is escalating and you can redirect them away from things or situations that you want to avoid (remember, they are easily distracted).

There are of course certain physical needs that can not be changed, these are the things you need to accept and be prepared for. Eating, drinking, sleeping, being stimulated and getting (positive) attention are some of these. For example: a toddler’s stomach is the size of a ping-pong ball, that means that they need to eat something every 2 hours! If you are planning a big day of shopping or errand running, pack some nutritious snacks in your bag for the day and make sure your toddler is eating something to avoid those big dips in blood sugar and the accompanying mood swings.

Keep some special toys on hand as well for outings. I have a HUGE purse. In it are really only four things that are mine, my wallet, my keys, my phone and my lip gloss. Everything else is for the kids. Snacks, toys, small books, crayons and a notepad, a change of clothes in case of an accident, a small first aid kit and wipes, always wipes!! On any given day I may use all of those things, or none of them. Whatever the case may be, I never leave the house without them. To borrow from the Boy Scouts, I like to always ‘Be prepared’! And you also never know if another parent you are hanging out with may need something in your ‘survival kit’!

Sleep is another big trigger for a lot of children. And the toddler years are big sleep transition ones too. Some kids are losing their morning naps and moving from two naps to one, and some are losing naps altogether (I am so sorry). Scheduling your life around your toddler’s ever changing naps can be a bit of a mess. But it may be a much easier-to-handle mess, than the toddler that has completely missed his or her nap and is throwing the mother-of-all-tantrums while you wait in line with a full cart of groceries at Safeway (True story, BTW)! If you can plan your day around naps then please do this. If not, than I can not emphasize enough how much you need a good sturdy baby carrier so that a tired and cranky toddler can get a quick ‘uppy’ on mama or daddy and hopefully fall asleep and have his or her nap ‘on the go’!

Babywearing is NOT just for babies. Along with my huge survival kit of a purse, it is my top pick for surviving the toddler years. A good ring sling or soft structured carrier can be a huge help with your little person who is likely spending a lot of time going back and forth with his clinginess and his independence. A baby carrier is also a great tool for keeping your little explorer safe in situations where he could get into some trouble or where you need some control over his or her movement. There are many great options in the babywearing world that can accommodate a toddler up to 35-45 pounds, and your kids will love getting a piggy back on mommy or daddy and seeing the world from that safe and secure spot on your back!

…

Toddler Survival also means introducing the concept of discipline into your child-parent relationship. And in my opinion the discipline side of ‘Toddler Damage Control’ involves a lot of outside the box thinking.

I personally think that one of the biggest discipline mistakes that I have made (and I think that a lot of parents make as well) is that my expectations of my kids, at any stage, are way too high. We mistakenly think that if a child says ‘NO’ all the time, then they must surely understand what ‘NO’ means. Uhm, WRONG!!

My son demonstrated this very well for me this past summer. Now granted, he was 4 and a half at the time, but it really brought home the point. I like to use words like ‘inappropriate’ and ‘unacceptable’ for behaviours that are, well, inappropriate and unacceptable. I was in the middle of a rant to the kids about them doing something that I did not approve of and my son piped up and said,

“Mommy, what does ‘inappropriate’ mean?”

Imagine my surprise and then the lightbulb that went off in my head as I figured out that after over 3 years of telling him that certain actions or words or behaviors are inappropriate, HE HAD NO IDEA WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT!!

This was a huge revelation to me. And it made me readjust my expectations and also my language when talking to my kids!

And the volume level of my language as well. You see, I am a yeller. I was raised in a house of yellers and so this is what I knew growing up.  If you wanted something done, you used your BIG SCARY voice to get that point across. What I have learned during the past 5 years as a parent, is that yelling really does nothing more than, A) give you a really sore throat and a headache and B) make your kids fear you and C) raise a further generation of yellers. None of which is conducive to a healthy parent-child relationship and rarely does it accomplish anything from a discipline perspective either.

If we think of discipline as more of self-control, rather than punishment, then our outlook towards it changes quite a bit. I am a HUGE fan of a technique that Judy calls the ‘Time-In’. This essentially means, doing the exact opposite of what you really want to do when your kid is misbehaving or having an emotional melt-down. For us this usually means we go and sit on the couch and use our calm-down tools. These include hugs, taking some deep breaths and often, more hugs. Once everyone is calm, THEN we discuss what happened and how we can do things differently next time. This technique works well for us and you would be amazed at the defusing power that a simple hug has on a child.

Another discipline tool that I try to use is NOT to say the word NO (that often). I challenge you to count how many times you say ‘No’ to your children throughout the day. This constant nay-saying can be exhausting for both parties. I have started to use another tool I learned from Judy and I try to say ‘NO’ in a different way. Using positive language with qualifiers can often get the same point across with a lot less resistance. Instead of “NO, you can’t have candy right now”, it turns into “Yes, you can have one candy after you finish your lunch.” We need to give our kids a bit more credit and respect their needs and desires, but also teach them self-control and model the kind of language and behaviours we want to see in them.

Supervision is another major part of ‘Toddler Damage Control’. This seems like a no brainer, but it really is that important that it deserves a mention. Think about it like this. I have a dog. She is driven by her nose and her stomach in all things. If I leave the garbage bag out on the porch instead of taking it out to the bin and she gets into it, who am I supposed to get mad at for the huge mess that she will inevitably make? I am not saying that toddlers are like my dog, but they are driven by their senses and their sense of curiosity. If you leave them unsupervised and then come back and find them doing something that they really shouldn’t be doing, think before you start yelling or punishing. Who are you really mad at?

This is a good time for my last Toddler Survival tactic. The ‘Mommy (or Daddy) Time Out’. In sports, a ‘time out’ is a break in play so that everyone can regroup, catch their breath, go over a new play or strategy and then get back to the game. And sometimes in parenting, you just need to call a time-out, make sure the craze-inducing toddler is safe and occupied and remove yourself from the situation. To regroup, catch your breath, think of a new strategy and then get back to your kid(s). I like to also use my words when this happens and let my kids know that I am upset or getting upset and need to go and calm down. Modeling this kind of use of the ‘time-out’ is another great way to show your kids self-discipline and talking to them about your feelings also lets them know that they can talk to you about theirs.

Every stage of your child’s life will have its challenges. Toddlerhood may seem like a major transition for everyone involved because it really is! Your child is learning SO much during this time and is watching you and looking to you to guide him or her through this first stage of their “growing up”.

All I can say, is this. Keep my simple mottos in mind. ‘Be Prepared’ and ‘Practice Damage Control’. Recite the Serenity prayer daily if needed and know what you can change, what you can not and what you just have to accept. And know that this too shall pass…

…only to be replaced by the trails and tribulations of the Preschooler Years!!

Just stay calm and carry on!!

Natasha~

Natasha Chiam is a self-described ‘Lipstick Crunchy’ mama. She loves the earth, is a total hippy at heart, and loves a great pair of leather boots and a big Coach purse too! She is happily married to the man of her dreams (seriously, she had a dream about him before they met) and mama to a 5 year old boy who keeps her on her toes and a 3 year old girl who is a dark-eyed mini version of her mother. She is the Chief Executive Mama at Natural Urban Mamas, a natural parenting website and she is also a professional babywearing consultant.

You can find her rambling on quite openly and honestly about her life and passions on her blog, Natural Urban Mama, and you can follow her on her Facebook page and on Twitter at @naturalurbanmom.

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I’ve been trying to find a logical and straightforward way to write this post. But it’s complicated, so I’m just going to ramble.

I’ve heard a lot of you talk about how difficult the toddler years are. I heard you in my post asking what you find hard about the toddler years, I heard you in my video, I  heard you in e-mails, on twitter, and in comments on other blog posts. But I’ve also heard you say how much fun the toddler years are, to learn to let them lead, to enjoy them and to connect with them. I heard you, on both fronts, and I nodded. You see, I don’t think it is one or the other. I think it is both.

There are hard days and there are amazing days. There are days when your toddler is fun, and loving, and cute. But there are also days when your toddler is frustrating, and stubborn and difficult. There are days when you are an amazing parent. But there are also days where you feel like the worst parent in the world (I know because you’ve told me and because people Google “I’m a bad mother” every day and end up on my blog).

When everything is great, no one reaches out for advice. They wait until they just can’t take it anymore and then, in desperation, they reach out to blogs, to books, to online advice forums, to their mom groups, and more. And nothing works.

But why not?

On those hard days, those really hard days, I think we are all looking for that silver bullet.

Crisp. Shiny. Simple.

The problem, however, is that our relationship with our toddlers is complicated. Just as our relationship with any human being that we are in a loving and interdependent relationship with, is complicated.

We sit there and we ask ourselves, “if we are going to try things, what would we try?” … and there are so many different answers, so many different paths, none of them guaranteed to make an iota of difference in that moment on that difficult day.

And when they don’t make any difference at all, or when things seem to get even worse, you are left feeling defeated. I know, because I’ve been there too. Many times. But I’ve realized, as I wrote in Ready to Snap, that when I am there, I don’t need advice.

In the moments where I feel like I’m going to snap, as much as I feel like I need help, I don’t really need advice.  I do not need someone telling me how great time outs are. I do not need someone telling me that I was disrespectful to my child and that if I just focused better on connecting with her that these problems would not arise. I do not need someone saying that I expect too much of myself or that I expect too much of my children.  I do not need someone telling me that we need strict consequences for misbehaviour. I need a hug. I need empathy. I need help. I need a break. I need space. I need time to think. Once I’ve had that, I need one-on-one time with the kids to reconnect with them and I need a few days of calm for us to get back to normal and leave our stresses behind.

In the comments on that post, Amber from Strocel.com wrote:

I have gone to my room and sobbed. I have yelled, and known it wouldn’t help. And I have playfully de-escalated situations. Sometimes, I really pull through. Sometimes I don’t. Always, I try to do better.

That, for me, is what it is all about. It is about doing better. So on the good days, I try to do better, hoping it will serve me well on the bad days and hoping that the bad days will be fewer and further apart.

In general, “doing better” means working on my connection with my children. I don’t need books to remind me to do that, but there are some books that I have found helpful along the way. I tend to read these books and then re-read them every once in a while, not looking for a solution for that day, but to remind myself of some of the things I can do to solidify our relationship. Two of the books I come back to over and over again are Playful Parenting by Lawrence J. Cohen and Connected Parenting by Jennifer Kolari. I find it interesting that both books, on the covers, focus on solving behaviour problems (a marketing tactic, for sure), whereas inside they are very much about creating a strong bond and developing your child’s self esteem.

The bad days, when they do come up, are about survival. I try to remain calm and patient and channel those strategies that I’ve practiced during the good times. But I also try to forgive myself if things don’t work out the way that I would like and I end up resorting to making it through the moment instead of always doing better in the moment. Things like rewards and punishments are desperate survival mechanisms for me. Things like locking myself in a room and crying are survival mechanisms for me. Sometimes going to the grocery store alone even if I don’t really need anything is a survival mechanism for me. They are survival mechanisms because they help me get through a situation from which I see no other escape without hurting anyone. But they are not, in my mind, good long-term child rearing strategies.

As much as we may like them to be, good strategies for parenting toddlers aren’t silver bullets. They probably won’t fix the problem that you are facing today. But they will help you to connect in new ways and relate to each other in new ways on the days when things are going well and that will fix a lot for the long-term. If there is a silver bullet, I think our toddlers were probably smart enough to hide it from us, realizing that it wouldn’t serve them well developmentally or in terms of their relationship with us. Sometimes toddlers are smarter than we give them credit for.

Image credits: Silver Bullet by eschipul on flickr and Stream of Consciousness by jurvetson on flickr. Post contains affiliate links.

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At dinner the other night, Julian had a burning question:

Why are adults allowed to say “shit”, but kids aren’t?

This is the child who had to reflect on his use of the word “poo” at school last year, so I thought perhaps he was just searching for reasonable alternatives.

I didn’t have a good answer to his question. The problem with questions like these is that I’m not very good at hiding my own opinions while upholding some sort of correct worldview. You see, I don’t think there is anything wrong with the word “shit”. At least, I don’t think that “shit” is any worse than “crap” or “poo” or “doggie doodoo” or “woo woo” or any other word one might use to describe feces. I also don’t think that “shit” is any worse than “shoot” or “ouch” or “oh no” or any other word one might use to express how it feels to stub your big toe.

I read through the wikipedia entry on “shit” to see if there was something about the word that maybe I didn’t know. Was there some deeper meaning that made it less appropriate than other terms that are used interchangeably but considered acceptable? I didn’t find one. I read about the seven words you can never say on (public) television, and while I agree that children don’t need to be exposed to vulgar sexual language, I really couldn’t find any reason why “shit” and “piss” are on that list.

A while back, Mrs. Flinger tackled this topic on her blog. Her words have stuck with me and defined how I approach the words that sometimes come out of kids mouths:

I taught four year olds for a few years back before I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. I learned that words get tossed around as a way to “test” their power. If you give the word power, the kids will run with it. My husband and I always said cussing is just that.. cussing. Meh. I do it all the time.

Ultimately, I couldn’t come up with a good reason why Julian shouldn’t use the word “shit”. Not at the time. Not after the fact.

So my answer to his question was:

I don’t know. (incidentally, he is used to me saying “I don’t know” by now).

You can say “shit” at home if you want, just don’t say it at school.

My partner added something along the lines of some people thinking that it is rude. We left it at that.

This was just a test run, I imagine, for the day when we have to explain to him why he cannot say random religious words in French, like “Mon ostie de saint-sacrament de câlice de crisse!”

Image credit: Silly Little Man on flickr

Does your child use hitting as a way to express displeasure? Do they smack other kids on the playground? Do they hit you if they don’t get what they want? This is natural and normal behaviour for children who do not always have the words or the skills to handle difficult situations. Toddlers and preschoolers will often respond physically to situations that upset them because they have not yet learned other ways to respond. In this post, I’ll share some ideas for dealing with hitting in toddlers.

1. Stop the Hitting

The first thing that I do is to stop the hitting. As gently as possible, I will hold my child’s hands and look her in the eye and explain in as few words as possible that we do not hit. A child who is angry and lashing out is not likely to listen to a long philosophical explanation of why physical violence is wrong, so I keep it simple.

Depending on the situation, I may also remove her. If she hit me or another child and is able to calm down immediately, then I wouldn’t remove her. However, if she continues to lash out at me or at someone else, then I would pick her up calmly and take her somewhere else before dealing with the situation further. I have left playgrounds, stores, restaurants, and parties with children who could not calm down until they were outside of the situation.

The other benefit of removing your child is that you aren’t having to deal with the situation directly under the eyes of everyone else who was witnessing it. I hate disciplining my children in public because I find myself making choices based on what would look right rather than what is the best thing to do.

2. Give Your Child’s Feelings Words

If a child is hitting or kicking, there is a reason that they are doing so. That doesn’t mean that it is okay for them to hit, but it is important to validate their feelings. I don’t always do that in the heat of the moment, because I find that they are not usually ready to listen at that point. However, once things have settled down, I will try to talk to them and mirror their feelings back to them in words. I will try to express what was making them angry and ensure that they know that I understand that. I will help them to find words that they can use next time instead of hitting.

With non-verbal toddlers, it is hard to tell whether it is their lack of maturity or lack of words that is causing them to lash out. Last year, when we were in Berlin for the summer with our kids, I noticed my 3 year old was hitting kids on the playground more often than she usually did at home. She was also grabbing toys away from them. I realized quickly that she was simply lacking the words to say “stop that” or “please move” or “can I play with you”. Once we gave her the few key phrases she needed in German and practiced them with her, she was fine. With toddlers that are just learning to talk, it may be worth practicing phrases that they can use instead of hitting.

3. Address Unmet Needs

Some natural parenting “experts” claim that hitting or other violent outbursts are always related to unmet needs. I don’t think it is necessarily true that they always relate to unmet needs, however I do think that is frequently the case. Kids may hit to get attention, because they are hungry or tired, because they feel that they are not being listened to (by you, by other children), or simply because they feel like they have too little control over their own lives. If my child has started hitting more often, I try to figure out which of those needs isn’t being met. Often they will not know it themselves. They just know that they are feeling off and end up lashing out as a result.

Sometimes hitting comes from parents telling kids what to do and not giving them any options. If parents give children more control, they should be less likely to lash out. Instead of asking my kids to do something, I prefer to tell them what to do, but provide options. So, instead of saying “would you like to put your shoes on now?”, I’ll say “It is time to put your shoes on. Would you like to wear the red ones or the blue ones?”

In terms of other needs, I try to figure out what they are and meet them. If they are tired or hungry, then maybe we need to shift gears for a snack, nap or relaxing activity. Maybe the day has just been too busy. If they are not getting enough attention, then maybe some special one-on-one time is needed to reconnect.

4. Give Them Alternatives to Hitting

Some kids hit because they don’t know what else to do. They are angry or feel like they have been treated unfairly and don’t know what to do about it, so they hit. I try to teach my kids alternatives to hitting. This can include:

• Using words: Helping them to express their feelings and use words to solve problems instead of hitting people. Sometimes that is as simple as saying “no”. However, if kids feel like “no” is never respected, then they are unlikely to feel like that is an appropriate option instead of hitting.
• Walking away: Teaching them that they can walk away when someone is treating them badly instead of lashing back at that person.
• Stomping feet: If they do feel the need to react physically to their anger, I like to give them options like stomping their feet or pounding their fists into a pillow.
• Asking for help: I think it is good for children to learn to solve their own problems and disputes. However, I would rather my kids ask for help with a difficult situation than have them resort to violence. So if they are having trouble with another kid, I would encourage them to ask me, a teacher or other trusted adult for help.

5. Don’t Hit Your Child

This probably goes without saying for most of the readers of this blog, but hitting teaches hitting. It is pretty hard to teach a child not to hit if you are hitting them. A lot of parents seem to think it is okay to spank their child when the child isn’t behaving the way they want them to, but then they expect their child not to hit anyone. Or, parents respond to hitting with more hitting, which may appear to “work” in the moment, but in the long-term just teaches the idea that the person who can hit the hardest wins. Modeling gentle responses and teaching our children how to handle difficult situations without resorting to hitting is the best thing we can do in the long-term to teach them that physical violence is not only wrong and disrespectful, but also unnecessary. I remind my children regularly, both when they have just hit me or someone else, as well as on peaceful occasions, that it is never okay for them to hit someone else and it is never okay for someone else to hit them.

More Resources

Gently Responding to an Aggressive Toddler – Natural Parents Network

Getting Out the Angries – Christine Benevuto – Mothering.com

Why Does He Hurt Me - Teresa Pitman – TodaysParent.com

Raising Your Spirited Child  (Book) - Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

If you and your kids are a fan of Robert Munsch stories, you’ve probably read Mortimer. Mortimer is a young boy who doesn’t want to go to sleep. He starts singing at the top of his lungs as soon as his mother says goodnight and closes the door. This is followed by his father, his brothers and sisters, and all sorts of other people going up and telling him to be quiet and go to sleep. Each time he promises to be quiet and each time he starts singing loudly as soon as they close the door. Eventually the police are called and they also have no success in getting Mortimer to be quiet. This results in all of the people who were trying to get Mortimer to go to sleep fighting loudly with each other downstairs as Mortimer drifts off to sleep.

This morning on the radio, I was listening to a report on the increase of calls from residents of Ottawa reporting by-law infractions. Most of them were people reporting their neighbours for things like noise, parking infractions, pets, and the like. They mused that people appear to be more likely to pick up the phone to complain to the city than to have a conversation with a neighbour about the problem. To illustrate how far things have gone, they told the story of parents who called to report their 13 year old daughter for refusing to turn her music down. They wanted by-law officers to come out and get her to turn it down.

I’ve heard plenty of teachers complain that parents are essentially outsourcing discipline to them. I’ve heard plenty of parents threaten their children with possible arrest when they are attempting or considering something that may be illegal. And now I’ve heard of parents calling by-law officers to come over and discipline their child.

Move over Super Nanny….Ottawa has 3-1-1.

What do you think? Is reporting your child’s by-law violations a way to teach them responsibility or is it an attempt to outsource parental responsibility to city staff?

In my reader survey, two people asked me very similar questions. Since this evening I was ready to snap, which also tends to heighten my memory of all similar moments in the past, I figured this is as good a time as any to write about it.  Their questions were:

I’d love to hear what you do when your children push your buttons until you are seething. How do you hold it together? What do you do when you do lose it? What does ‘losing it’ look like for you? What situations lead to you losing it and what have you changed to mitigate/avoid it?

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What is the most violent immediate future you’ve ever avoided by calming down out of the moment? A shake? A slap? A butt smack? Nothing?    What I mean is, most parents face their anger in their child’s defiant eyes, or when a child has done something dangerous to a sibling. All (most) of us just shift the physical impulse off to the left while we handle the situation, but have you ever been scared by the possibility you saw in your own emotional reaction?

Most of the time, I try to be patient when the kids are doing things that make me seethe. I can handle my kids being defiant if that is the only thing going on and I find that my Discipline Spectrum generally tends to guide me in the right way. However, I find it gets to be too much for me when everything else is going wrong too. If other things that are creating stress for me, if I haven’t had a break in a long time, if I’m exhausted, if I’m sick or injured, if I’ve had a disagreement with someone I care about, then having my kids test my patience over and over again on top of that it can make me lose it. Essentially, if I am really far off of the balance I strive for, then I just don’t have the patience.

I wrote some of my feelings on this after a particularly bad day in Berlin this summer. This was when we had only been there a little more than a week. Everything was new to them. Everything was new to me. I went from sitting in an office all day to being alone with the kids all day. We didn’t have any of our things. There wasn’t a backyard to send them out into. There wasn’t even a television to offer a brief sanity break. There was nothing.

In Age three: defiance with a smirk, I wrote:

Both of my kids at three, it seems, reached the age of defiance with a smirk. Not only are they completely selfish, but they also seem to take joy in preventing others from meeting their needs and have little sense of potential danger or discomfort for themselves. Refusing to go the bathroom before we leave the house and taking joy in the fact that her brother and I are frustrated that we can’t leave the house until she changes her mind (even though she also wants to go where we want to go). Having the ability to open closed doors to return to the scene of a previous crime and attempt a destructive and dangerous feat once again (e.g. swinging from the curtains in a borrowed apartment).  Running in front of your feet with begs to be carried one moment (and getting tripped over in the process) and running off wild in the wrong direction or pausing to pick up dirty cigarette butts the next. Refusing to leave a playground or store when her brother has to go to the bathroom. Throwing toys or books across the room when they don’t do what she wants them to do. Asking for a specific food and then refusing to eat any of it. I could go on.

In that post, I characterized our difficulties as a “battle”. A couple of commenters noted that seeing it as a battle is part of the problem. I do recognize that, but I was being honest about my feelings on that particular day. It did feel like a battle and it is usually when it gets to that point that I feel like I’m going to blow a fuse.

What does losing it look like?

I have never been physically violent with my children. I know intellectually that hitting my kids is wrong. But I also don’t seem to have the instinct to hit my children when they make me angry. Even when my daughter slapped me in the face. Even when my son threw a toy car at my eye. Physical violence isn’t a reaction that I need to fight off.  I know people who strongly believe that spanking is wrong, but that have spanked their children when they put a sibling in danger because they just reacted and didn’t know what else to do in that moment. But that isn’t an instinct I’ve ever had.

That said, I have physically restrained my kids or physically removed my kids from situations. I have held them or carried them as they screamed bloody murder. I have done that in public (never a fun prospect) and I have done it at home.  I have also screamed. That is probably the instinct that I have most often that I don’t like. When I run out of other options I scream. I don’t mean the routine screaming a lot of parents do when reminding their children over and over again about things they are supposed to do (“PICK UP YOUR ROOM ALREADY!”), but more the “STOP THAT NOW!” scream, sometimes in combination with physically restraining the child. If I get to that point, I have lost it. That is the reaction I try to fight off. That is the one that scares me, both because I don’t like seeing myself like that, and because I don’t like seeing the look in my child’s eyes when I get to that point.

I also cry. If no one is in immediate danger, but if my kids have just been horrible to me all day long and if none of my attempts to be patient or to connect with them have worked, then I have gone to another room and sobbed. Sometimes the kids ignore me, but usually they come to me to see what is wrong and that creates a new opportunity to discuss the problem. However, that discussion doesn’t always mean that the problem magically disappears. In Berlin I sometimes had several days in a row where I ended up in tears, but it did mean that at least they recognized that Mommy can’t just take it all the time.

What I do when I’m about to lose it

I breathe. I count to 10 under my breath. I leave the room. But that isn’t always enough. If the destruction is continuing or if they follow me and keep up with whatever they are doing, then things just escalate.

I’m not a fan of using television as a babysitter. But I am a big fan of using television to avoid mistreating my children and damaging our relationship. That is why, in Berlin, we did end up buying a small television. I knew that I needed something that would distract and calm the kids when they weren’t calm and I wasn’t calm so that we could both take a breather. The television gave us that, along with the added bonus of helping them with their German.

I also think that fresh air is a great solution. Here in Canada, that is easier. Especially now that the kids are a bit older, we can just send them outside when everyone needs a breather. Even if they just go out for five or ten minutes, sometimes that is enough. But fresh air is also a good mitigation strategy in general. I find that the more time our kids spend outside, the less likely we are to get to a point where I feel like I’m going to lose it.

Trying to turn things into a game or a playful moment helps too, but usually if I am ready to snap, then it is already past that point for me. That is an idea that needs to kick in a bit earlier in the process for it to be a good option for me.

My fears

My biggest fear when I’m ready to snap or when I do lose it is that I have lost all connection with my kids and lost all ability to influence them via that connection. I generally believe that human beings who care about each other and are connected with one another will also treat one another with respect. When my children seem to have lost all respect for my needs and my feelings, then I get scared that we have lost that connection.

My other fear is that I’ve raised little monsters. I wonder if maybe I should have been a stricter disciplinarian and created schedules and rules and penalties and all sorts of things like that to keep them in line. I worry that they are not only going to be horrible to me, but that they are going to be horrible to everyone else.

Those fears, thankfully, are usually short lived. It doesn’t usually take that long to reconnect and once we have reconnected or regrounded ourselves or reestablished some normalcy in our lives, then I realize that the absence of connection, grounding, or normalcy is what was causing them to act the way that they were acting and that they are not, in fact, little monsters but just human beings reacting to changes in their environment.

What I don’t want or need

In the moments where I feel like I’m going to snap, as much as I feel like I need help, I don’t really need advice.  I do not need someone telling me how great time outs are. I do not need someone telling me that I was disrespectful to my child and that if I just focused better on connecting with her that these problems would not arise. I do not need someone saying that I expect too much of myself or that I expect too much of my children.  I do not need someone telling me that we need strict consequences for misbehaviour. I need a hug. I need empathy. I need help. I need a break. I need space. I need time to think. Once I’ve had that, I need one-on-one time with the kids to reconnect with them and I need a few days of calm for us to get back to normal and leave our stresses behind.

How about you? What is it like for you when you feel like you are about to snap?

Image credit: Pink Sherbet Photography on flickr