One of my favourite natural parenting bloggers is Lauren from Hobo Mama. I’ve been following her tweets and posts about her pregnancy with Baby #2 and know she has been doing a lot of thinking and researching. When I was planning my March guest bloggers, having Lauren post about her preparations for bringing a second child into their family came to mind immediately. I knew that she would be great at covering this topic and she more than came through on that. Her guest post is both a wonderful story of their family’s journey and a resource rich library for any parent going through this same experience. Please welcome Lauren to the blog.

I am in the third trimester of pregnancy, awaiting our second baby. Our first child, Mikko, will be turning four years old just about the time our baby arrives. Since we’re planning a home birth, we’ve spent a lot of time prepping Mikko for what to expect, and making our own plans for how to arrange the logistics of the birthing time.

Here are some of the aspects of birthing we’ve gone over with Mikko, along with the resources that have helped our family prepare. Many of these were suggested to us by others (some very frequently and passionately), so my thanks to Annie of PhD in Parenting, her friend Elizabeth, and the commenters, Tweeters, and Facebookers at Hobo Mama.

Explain pregnancy in general

No matter what age your children are, pregnancy is a fantastic time to talk about where babies come from and what they can expect when you’re expecting. I’ve been glad to have such a natural segue into early sex education. At three years old, Mikko was ripe for talking about genitalia and learning new vocabulary. Sometimes he learned it very loudly. In public. But his enthusiasm was undeniable.

You’ll have to tailor your lessons to your audience: Young toddlers might grasp only the basics. Preschoolers like Mikko will find the whole process fascinating but not understand it completely. Older children (I was 9 when my brother was born, for instance, and my older brother was 13) will appreciate more advanced knowledge and perhaps some frank talk about their own sexuality. And if your baby was conceived or will be born in a less conventional way, this is an opportunity for you to talk about the specifics of your family’s experience, also at a level that works for your kids.

Here are some books that helped spark discussions of conception, pregnancy, and birth:

• Babies Don’t Eat Pizza, by Dianne Danzig & Debbie Tilley — a fairly comprehensive preparatory book for older siblings, showing a variety of family and birth situations.
• Mommy Laid an Egg, OR Where DO Babies Come From?, by Babette Cole — the adults in the story present all the possible wrong ideas about where babies come from, and the children correct them. Some think the sex-positions spread is beyond the pale; I thought it was funny, and Mikko was nonchalant.
• How Was I Born?: A Child’s Journey Through the Miracle of Birth, by Lennart Nilsson & Lena Katarina Swanberg — the beautiful in-utero photos help children visualize what’s happening beneath the skin.
• Where Did I Come From?, by Peter Mayle — this is one of the books my mom gave me when she became pregnant when I was eight years old. I found it humorous and informative and couldn’t believe my parents were letting me read it.
• Where Willy Went, by Nicholas Allan — comical story about one determined sperm.
• My Mom’s Having a Baby!, by Dori Hillestad Butler & Carol Thompson — I love that this book goes month-by-month through a pregnancy from the big sister’s perspective. It also mixes in a lot of sex ed and shows, non-graphically, a vaginal (hospital) birth.
• Baby on the Way, by William Sears, Martha Sears & Christie Watts Kelly — being part of the Sears Children Library, this is a very attachment parenting-focused book that has some good ideas for parents and caregivers to smooth the transition from younger sibling or only child to older sibling.
• Everywhere Babies, by Susan Meyers & Marla Frazee — a book that just shows babies in action, being cute and doing what they do, which makes it fun reading for toddlers on up. Unlike most older-sibling books I could find, this is one that shows babies in pleasing diversity, with a variety of parenting styles, skintones, and family arrangements.

Start talking about the birth

Since we’re planning a home birth, the possibility that Mikko would want to be present meant we needed to prepare him for the sounds and sights of labor. Even if your birth plans include not having your children present, they’ll still likely be curious exactly how that baby gets out, so you can talk about your particular situation.

Since we’d introduced the vocabulary of pregnancy, it was an easy step to continue explaining vaginal birth. I’ve explained the work and possible noise involved to Mikko in a way he can connect to — it’s like pooping. I think he got that analogy!

You might also try role playing the birth with a doll and a playful attitude, mimicking and laughing together over the silly sounds you might make in labor, and showing your children their own birth videos and photos.

For us in particular, Mikko unfortunately had a bad dream about birth right before I was planning to start talking about it with him. We had been at my in-laws’ when he first asked, and I felt awkward saying “vagina” around my father-in-law so hedged and decided we’d talk more when we got home. Too bad I was squeamish, because Mikko had a dream about bubbles and a big gash, and now anything I say about birthing probably doesn’t sound any more reassuring! I would advise talking about birth early, then, so you can put in positive messages before they imagine their own scenarios.

Here are a couple books that helped describe or show birth. I would love to find more that are geared toward children, if anyone has suggestions!

• Welcome With Love, by Jenni Overend & Julie Vivas — this was highly recommended to me by several people, and I now know why. It’s a charming and realistic story of a home birth with midwife and several siblings in attendance.
• A Child Is Born, by Lennart Nilsson — this is similar to another book my parents gave me when we were expecting my little brother. I haven’t read this updated version, but I understand many of the same photos are there, including explicit ones of vaginal birth, which fascinated me as much as the photos of life inside the womb. You’ll have to gauge if the birth photos are too graphic for your children.

Watch some gentle birth videos together

To try to assure Mikko that birth can be satisfying and calm, I sought out birth videos of gentle, natural birth — the kind of birth we hope to have, and that we (for the most part) had with Mikko. I use Hypnobabies birth hypnosis, so I was pretty mellow during my long labor with Mikko and hope to be again this time around. If you’re a screamer and really want to prepare a child, you might need to find some more active, vigorous births to show. With a sensitive kid, I thought it was best to aim for soothing — to show the function of birth without added drama. Note that very few mainstream television shows or movies tend to show birth in a positive light, and internet videos vary greatly in birth outcomes and helpfulness, so you’ll want to screen your selections carefully to make sure they won’t unintentionally disturb your children.

Here are some videos we enjoyed. I enjoyed them more than Mikko, but he was still intrigued by it all!

• Birth Day, a DVD by Naoli Vinaver Lopez. I was fortunate our library had this short documentary — this home water birth in Mexico is absolutely radiant and serene. One older son is present for the birth, and the other comes into the tub afterward.
• Gentle Birth Choices — this one was more “educational” and a little dated so probably a better choice for older kids, unless you want to fast forward through the boring talking parts.
• The Business of Being Born is a pretty easy documentary to get hold of. Again, you’d need to pick and choose which parts to watch with your kids.
• I haven’t seen Orgasmic Birth, but I’ve heard it shows a variety of raw and real births. This is another one where you’d want to cue up specific scenes for younger viewers.
• “Leo Hart” (home water birth, nothing explicit), “Peaceful Homebirth” (home water birth photo montage, nothing explicit, two older siblings present and helping the mother), “Meadow Ophelia’s Homebirth” (home birth photo montage, explicit, older sibling present during early scenes), “Bridget’s home waterbirth” (photo montage, not especially explicit, oldest daughter in birth tub catches baby), “Natural Childbirth: The Baby Place Birthing & Midwifery Center” (upright birth at birth center, explicit and very gentle, young older brother in jammies clearly fascinated), all via Bellies and Babies, who has a long list of gentle birth videos to check out.
• “Mother Directed Pushing at Home” — two home births using Hypnobabies childbirth hypnosis, only vaguely explicit. The mothers are naked below the waist but positioned so that it’s hard to see anything. There’s a lot of vocalizing in the second birth.
• “Fiona’s Home Waterbirth” at Living in Harmony — nudity but not graphic, vocalizing but gentle overall, toddler sister present and comes into the birth tub afterward.
• “The unassisted birth of Logan Westley” (unassisted water birth, not overly graphic, vocalizing), “Anya’s home/water/hypno birth” (astonishingly quiet Hypnobirth, not graphic), “Twins – A Homebirth With Video” at Homebirth: A Midwife Mutiny, all via Stand and Deliver.
• If you’re having a C-section, an older child who’s curious might appreciate “Alex’s cesarean section” — the music is soothing, and all of the surgery is filmed but it’s hard to see details of the incision because of the bright lights.
• For a combination of still photos, text descriptions, and videos, Birth Story Diaries has a compilation of many families’ birth stories, and you can filter them by how explicit they are and by what type of birth: vaginal, cesarean, homebirth, hospital, and birth center. Again, you’ll want to prescreen any of these for more sensitive children.

See how other mammals do it

One thing I found immensely comforting during my pregnancy with Mikko was to watch animal birthing videos. Animals tend to be very quiet and matter-of-fact about birthing — at least, in the videos I’ve seen. As you’re explaining that birth is normal for all mammals, your children might enjoy seeing that truth for themselves — either in video form or, if you have the connections, possibly even firsthand at a farm or with a pet.

Here are some of our favorite animal birthing videos online:

• “An Elephant Giving Birth”
• “Birth of a dalmatian puppy” (while the other puppies nurse!)
• “Birth of a Giraffe” — for some reason, it cracks me up that the mother giraffe allows the baby to drop from quite a height onto its head. This technique is not recommended for human births!
• “Dolphin Birth”

Tell your children their birth stories

One way we’ve tried to make birth real and personal for Mikko is to talk about his birth. This hasn’t worked so well for us, because Mikko insists he’s a big boy and doesn’t want to go back inside my belly. Oh, trust me, Mikko, not going to happen! For him, then, I’ve focused on just the feelings I had when he was born — I’ve told him how happy we were to meet him for the first time, and how it felt so good to push him out (because it did!).

And for children old enough to understand that their birth happened in the past and you’re simply recounting it, a detailed but positive birth story might be just the thing they need to see that every birth is special.

Here are some books that relate birth stories and might give you an idea for how to make a ritual out of the telling:

• Tell Me My Story, Mama, by Deb Lund & Hiroe Nakata — the older sister excitedly helps her mother narrate the tale of her pregnancy and hospital birth as they await the arrival of her new sibling.
• The Baby on the Way, by Karen English & Sean Qualls — a grandmother, born to a farming family, tells her birth story to her grandson, who lives in a city.
• Catching the Sun, by Coleen M. Paratore & Peter Catalanotto — a tender story of a mother-son tradition that would appeal to elementary-age kids

Figure out your birth plan — for your older children

Mikko has made me numerous signs lately, with cryptically written but pointed messages. “This one say ‘Baby stay in,’” he says, pointing to a random scribble. Well, OK, then.

Given his resistance at the whole idea of seeing a birth, we’re honoring his requests not to be present. This means setting up a series of childcare and backup plans, starting with family and moving on to those friends who might not mind being woken up in the wee hours of the morning.

If you’re having birth in a different location and don’t expect to have your other children present, you’ll need to arrange childcare, as well as some backup possibilities, at your home or your sitters’ home.

If you’re having a home birth, as we are, you’ll need to talk over with your children (if old enough to have an opinion) whether or not they wish to be present — and then create backup plans that will allow the opposite to happen if they have a change of heart.

Even if your children say they want to be with you during the birth, or they’re young enough you think they won’t care either way, it probably is best to have someone there to support them in particular — perhaps a grandparent, other close relative, or trusted friend — in case things become intense and in case your partner, if you have one, is busy caring for you. You’ll want to be able to focus on giving birth, so having someone around for them can be invaluable: someone who can answer curious questions, offer activities or a walk outside, give them a place to watch from where they’re out of the way (and possibly out of the line of sight of anything too graphic), and potentially even remove them if you or they decide it’s necessary. Some people can go inward during labor and birth and not mind any distractions — and some people become agitated if the atmosphere is not in perfect calm. Your children, in particular, are apt to distract your focus, since you’re used to paying attention to them. Try to gauge beforehand whether a busy or a quiet birthing appeals to you, and make arrangements for that scenario — as well as a backup or two in case it turns out you’re mistaken!

Since Mikko definitely doesn’t want to be present, our current intention is to keep him with us in the early stages of labor, before he would start feeling uncomfortable, and then have Mikko’s aunt come over for the rest of the birthing and keep him occupied downstairs while the action takes place upstairs. That way, my partner can stay with me most of the time but can check in with Mikko occasionally. And, if Mikko decides he needs Mama in particular, he can poke his head in and see if the birthing environment is as scary as he thought. Plus, he’ll be around to see his new sibling right after birth, which makes me weepy just thinking about it. (Then again, I’m pregnant.)

Our backup plans include having his aunt take him to her house, having a list of friends on call who could come over here or take Mikko with them, and — if circumstances and middle-of-the-night timing allow — having Mikko sleep through the whole dang thing. Our childcare backup plans will also apply if there’s an unexpected hospital transfer.

If you don’t have family and friends nearby, another idea is to hire your childcare. A suggestion given to me on my post asking for advice on just this topic was to consider hiring a doula. I had no idea doulas would consider babysitting, but I like the thought: A doula would certainly be used to being called at all hours and staying put for a long labor. Plus, if your partner takes a break from tending to you to tend to your other children, the doula could easily pinch hit as an alternate birth partner during that time. If cost is a problem for your family, consider asking a midwife for recommendations of a doula in training, who might offer a reduced rate. (Of course, doulas are worth every penny if you can afford one!)

Speaking of partners, that’s another possibility. I prefer to have Sam stay with me during the labor and birth, because he was so supportive last time. However, if you have a partner who would do better staying with your other children rather than you, that could be a very simple way to handle the childcare. If you need birthing support, you could then hire a doula or invite a friend or family member over for yourself.

The only sure thing to remember in all this planning is that things rarely go to plan. So do what you can beforehand to prepare, but then stay flexible, and trust that you and your support team will make the right decisions as they come up.

Hear what others have done

Sometimes the best thing is to hear from other parents about what worked and didn’t work for them. Ask the other families you know what arrangements they made, and whether those arrangements worked as planned. Ask for their tried-and-tested suggestions of ways to prepare children for childbirth as well.

To that end, please leave your own stories and suggestions in the comments. What did you do or would you like to do with older siblings during a new baby’s birth? How did you and your children prepare beforehand?

To get started, you might check out PhD in Parenting’s own series on preparing for a second baby.

Lauren blogs at Hobo Mama about natural and attachment parenting and is the co-founder of Natural Parents Network. She lives and writes in Seattle with her husband, three-year-old son, and a baby speedily on the way.

Image credits, from top: Paul Hart on flickr, Danny McL on flickr, Chris and Jenni on flickr, Jeff Moore on flickr, Christy Scherrer on flickr

Wishing you and your family all the best this holiday season. Hope you find many reasons to hug and laugh.

Yesterday on the way home in the car my kids had a fight. A fight that resulted in both of them being in tears. A fight that involved me validating their feelings, but also telling them how damn lucky they are that they can get upset over such things.

By way of background to the conversation, you need to know that we went to Cuba in December. When we go to Cuba, we always bring tons of clothes and shoes that our kids have grown out of and pass them on to the maids, waiters, etc for their kids. On the last day, we were all packed up and ready to go. Emma was wearing her sneakers and rather than packing her pink sandals that I knew would no longer fit by the time summer came around, we gave them to the maid who had a two year old girl. Although Emma had previously been happy to give things away and even picked out toys of hers to give to other children, for some reason she got REALLY upset about these particular sandals. We explained that they wouldn’t fit her anymore. We explained that this little girl really needed some sandals. We explained that she could choose some new ones in the Spring. None of that mattered. They were hers and she was upset. Since then, every now and again, if Emma is mildly upset about something, Julian will ask “Emma, do you still miss your sandals?“, which of course makes her even more upset and can turn a mild whimper into a full blown temper tantrum at which point he will try, unsuccessfully, to calm her down with promises that she will get new sandals in the Spring.

Fast forward to yesterday. I had Emma in the car with me and we went to pick Julian up at school. Once all three of us were in the car, the discussion started:

Julian: Are there any brownies left at home?

Me: I don’t know. I haven’t been home yet. Emma, did you and Daddy eat the brownies?

Emma: Yes. We ate them. They are all gone.

Julian: But I wanted a BROWNIE (starts to whimper)

Emma: They are all gone. There are none left.

Me: I know you are upset, but the brownies were a treat. You had two of them yesterday. We’ll get some more another time.

Julian: [sulk, whine]

Emma: Julian…

Emma: Julian…

Emma: Julian…I want to tell you something.

Julian: I don’t want her to talk to me.

Me: Julian, she misses you when you’re at school. She just wants to talk to you. Please listen to her.

Julian: No, I don’t want to.

Me: Julian, please.

Julian: No. Don’t talk to me.

Emma: Julian…

Me: Emma, please don’t talk to him right now. He’s upset. You can talk to me instead.

Emma: I don’t want to. I want to tell Julian something.

Julian: No. Don’t talk to me.

[several more rounds of this back and forth]

Emma: Julian – we can get some more brownies at the store another day.

Julian: Don’t talk to me. [whines, cries]

Emma: Julian, I want to talk to you.

Me: Julian, please talk to your sister. It is rude to ignore her.

Julian: No. I don’t want to. She isn’t being nice.

Me: What do you mean?

Julian: She said we’ll buy more brownies at the store. That wasn’t nice. That is just like when I say that we’ll buy her more sandals at the store and you say that isn’t nice.

Emma: I WANT MY SANDALS….WAAAAAAAAAA

Julian: I WANT BROWNIES….WAAAAAAAA

So I turned up the news. Let them have their cry. Waited a bit. Then told them about Haiti. It felt kind of like the “eat your dinner – don’t you know there are children in Africa who are starving” line. But I didn’t know what else to do and it kind of seemed necessary at that point. Sigh.

Today is a special day. Not only is it Thanksgiving here in Canada, a time to hang out with family and stuff ourselves full of turkey, but it is a day of milestones for me, for my kids, for our family.

• A baby no more? Today my daughter is the same age that my son was when my daughter was born. It feels odd. Odd to not have the next one on the way. Odd to be done with the baby stage. Odd because she seems like more of a baby still than my son did when she was born, but not based on any specific milestone (in fact she has him beat on a lot of them), but maybe just because she will always be my baby.

• Five years of nursing: I have now officially been breastfeeding for five years. My son weaned 1.5 months before my daughter was born and it has now been 5 years and 1.5 months since he was born. Five years of protecting my health, protecting my kids health, and enjoying the closeness of a nursing relationship.

That’s it. I was going to write a long nostalgic post about it, but I don’t really have the words to explain my feelings and I want to spend my day with my family instead of typing away here.

This is the fourth and last post in a series on preparing for a second baby. If you haven’t read them already, check out the first part What on earth were we thinking?,  second part To tandem or not to tandem, and third part Move over: making room for one more in the bed.

It wasn’t long until my anxiety about bringing a second child into our home gave way to the reality and excitement of introducing our little girl to the family. Our son was generally excited about having her around, but like any child he had his moments…moments where, for example, he said “Baby sister go back in mommy’s tummy now.” But those moments were few and far between and what I remember more than anything else was my son being a devoted big brother, one that was loving and helpful with his little sister. I remember him wanting to hold her and glowing when he did. I remember him getting her to giggle and laugh.

I think part of the reason things turned out so well is our capacity as humans to love. Our capacity as parents to expand our hearts and find so much more love. My son’s capacity to open his heart to this new little intruder in his life. But the other reason things turned out so well was that we prepared and we adapted.

So what can you do to prepare your older child? How can you make things easier for the big brother or sister?

• Talking about the new baby: I remember hearing friends talk about one family that thought it was better to not mention anything to their child about the new baby. They figured that just having the baby appear would be better than the anxiety and worry that the lead-up to a new baby might bring. The effect was devastating. The older child was shocked, blindsided, hurt, and freaked out. So we talked. We talked about my growing belly and what was inside. We talked about what it would be like to have a baby in the house. We talked about how important the role of the big brother is. And we read books. In particular, we loved My New Baby, which shows breastfeeding and babywearing and Dad helping out. It has no actual words in the book, just pictures, so you can make up the story yourself and adapt it to your family.

• A gift from the new baby: One trick that we used and that several of our friends have used successfully is to have the new baby bring the older child a gift. Something really special. Although somewhat superficial, this is a great way to convince a toddler that the baby is bringing something to him instead of taking something away from him. It just helps to tilt perception about the intruder in the right direction.

• Make your lap bigger: After our daughter arrived, one of our favourite games became “my two babies”. I would take both kids on my lap and cuddle them and say “my two babies” and give them both kisses and hugs. robin from woowoomama also found that expanding her lap, not kicking the older one out, was the way to go:

i asked for help, guidance and support from a few places to calm my late pregnancy panic attacks.  my mom assured me that the way i felt was perfectly normal, other ap mama’s i knew assured me that i would somehow find a way to work it out (even if it meant me cosleeping with both kids which i had not originally wanted to do) and i relied on my spiritual path to help me.  when i asked if i had made a mistake by getting pregnant or if i had failed the bean by not somehow assuring he was less attached to me when the baby was born i was given a clear and comforting answer “you do not have to kick the bean out of your lap, you just have to make your lap big enough for two.”

the weeks and months that followed the pea’s birth were certainly challenging and there were moments when i was pulling my hair out and feeling terribly lost and having bouts of other panic attacks, but we made it. spending some nights sleeping in a bed with two children is actually enjoyable in ways i had never imagined, and the bean self weaned the moment chickpea was born (something i had never imagined or heard of before).  there have been tough times of transition but with support and an open mind and heart i was able to discover that the truth is that  my lap is easily big enough for two.

• A big helper: My son became mommy’s little helper. I made a big deal about asking him to help with things to make him feel important and involved. I would get him to fetch a clean diaper from the laundry basket for me. I would ask him to pass me the nursing pillow. I would get him to help me burp the baby. I would ask him to entertain her while I fixed him a snack or made a phone call. This continued from day one into today. He was the one holding her hand when she was getting used to walking. He often sits and reads her books. I’ll ask him to get her a spoon if she needs one. It not only keeps him busy and keeps him from feeling left out, but it has also helped to build a really tight and beautiful relationship between them. He truly is a loving and wonderful big brother.

• Multi-tasking: When my son was little, I remember quiet times sitting in a chair feeding him. Or taking a quiet nap with him. When my daughter arrived, that was no longer possible (except on the days my wonderful mother came to help out!). So when I was at home with both kids I had to find a way to be a mother to my 2.5 year old while also taking care of the baby. I learned to do floor puzzles while sitting on the floor and nursing my daughter on a boppy pillow. I learned to nurse her in a sling and let her have naps in the sling so that we could go to the park or the museum or wherever without having to worry about when she would need to nurse or sleep.

There are times when it will be difficult. There will be rough nights. There will be days when you are tearing your hair out or when tears are streaming down your cheeks. But the task isn’t impossible. And the love…all of the love…makes it so worthwhile.

Naomi from Mama’s Applecores found that attachment parenting was critical to her ability to meet the needs of both of her children:

The transition really was fairly easy for our son I think – or at least he handled it well.  Co-sleeping and tandem nursing were a big part of our picture, but it’s not so much those specific things as our lifestyle.  I am sure that other families could find other ways to meet the needs of their children.  Our children are both high-needs, and personally I cannot imagine not doing what we do.  And as a working mother I sometimes think that I need these things as much as my children do.

My parting words of advice would be listen to your heart, respect the needs and feelings of both of your children, find a way to take some breaks for yourself, and multi-task! And on the really hard days, just remember this too shall pass.

Sarah from Good Enough Mum blog suggested that I write a post about playing with more than one child and also provided me with a great link on the importance of one-on-one play. I thought the two ideas fit together really well, so I decided to combine them in one post.

The importance of one-on-one play

The article that Sarah shared with me is called The Importance of One-on-One Time. The article explains that our kids need our undivided attention. Not all of the time, but definitely frequently. The time of one-on-one time that is really valuable is child-led one-on-one time. Let your child guide the conversation, choose the games, lead the activities. This isn’t about you choosing something and then doing it with your child. It is about letting your child choose and lead. These concepts are a really great companion to some of the chapters in Playful Parenting, which I reviewed a few days ago.

The article also gives a list of 4 signs that your child needs your undivided attention:

1. He is deliberately disobedient. This may indicate that he’s feeling ignored. Floor time shows him that he doesn’t need to act up to get noticed. It also helps him feel cared for and valued while you try to learn if there’s a deeper reason for his disobedience.

2. She clings, whines, or cries frequently. This may indicate insecurity. Half an hour of undivided attention each day helps to reassure your child that she is safe and loved.

3. He hits, screams, and shows other signs of anger. Floor time provides a forum for him to express anger more appropriately (for example, through pretend play or conversation).

4. She exhibits difficulty making developmental transitions, such as moving from crib to bed or starting school. Growing up is hard, and such challenges can make a child doubt her coping abilities. Floor time helps her relax and gain confidence.

So often parents see these signs and go straight to exacting punishments, such as a time out, when really what the child so desperately needs is the opposite: a dedicated time-in.

The article provides some general tips for making one-on-one time a priority and also gives some ideas on what to expect or try with different age groups.

Juggling play with two children

Sarah asked me how I manage to play with two children of different age groups. She said:

My four-year-old is into doing jigsaw puzzles or playing floor games, while my sixteen-month-old likes toddling around exploring the world and picking up everything she sees to try to eat. Trying to play with both of them together is a nightmare – all Katie wants to do is grab Jamie’s jigsaw pieces. But neither of them is really at a stage where they can get the concept of sharing in games or playing nicely together or taking turns so that one of them waits while I play with the other one and then gets their turn a little later. (I know you’d normally expect a four-year-old to be starting to get those points, but Jamie is on the autistic spectrum and hence much more immature with a lot of the personal-social stuff.) I know your two are a few months older, so I’d love to hear your tips.

It is hard trying to play with two at once. Really hard sometimes. In fact, I hinted at that in my post on the Tortoise and the Hare, because mine or not only at two different ages, but are just such polar opposites in terms of their approach even when they do settle on the same activity.

I’ll start maybe by repeating a few of the tips that are at the bottom of the article that Sarah shared with me, because I think they are great and are a bit part of how I handle this issue:

• Capitalize on your kids’ different schedules. Tumble on the floor with your toddler while your kindergartner’s at school. Work on a jigsaw puzzle with your preschooler during the baby’s nap. Have evening floor time with a preteen after younger siblings have gone to bed.
• Press your partner into service. While you’re out Rollerblading with your 7-year-old, perhaps Dad could go to the playground or the park with your toddler.
• Take turns–30 minutes for Tammy, then 30 for Tom, then 30 for Tim–rotating who goes first. During each child’s turn, give the other kids the choice of playing independently or joining in the activity. Siblings who opt to participate must take direction from the designated leader.
• Try group floor time. What if your son wants to act out a scene from Star Wars and your daughter is clamoring for dinosaur play? Encourage them to combine their themes: “Luke Skywalker Saves Planet Apatosaurus” or “T. rex Takes on Darth Vader.”

Some of the things that have worked for us include:

• Partnership: We have three people (me, my husband and my mom) that spend a lot of time with the kids. Because there are the three of us, we can “divide and conquer” so that both kids get the opportunity to do the things that they love and to have one-on-one time with everyone. We are not all there all of the time, but we ensure that enough of the week gets covered by two people that on most days each child gets some one-on-one time.
• Making some toys off-limits: When I do have both kids on my own, there are certain things that we do not play with. We don’t even attempt to get out the things that my son would like to play with that my daughter would end up destroying. My son has the option to play with those things on his own in his room or to wait until he gets some one-on-one time (e.g. another adult is there to watch our daughter or she is napping) to play with those toys and games.
• Go outside: I find when we are constrained by “toys” that are very often age-specific, it is difficult. But if we head outdoors, we can usually find things to do that both of them enjoy. They both like to play with balls, go on swings, roll around in the grass, throw rocks into the lake, and so on. They are at different stages of development on those different tasks, but it is usually more manageable than the frustration that comes with indoor toys.
• Teaching: My son loves teaching my daughter how to do things. There are games that he is not interested in playing on his own or with us, but he is more than willing to teach her how to do it. Not all of the time, but often enough that we can get away with playing with her toys if we actively engage him in the role of the mentor or teacher.
• Preschool: I have all the respect in the world for people that homeschool, but I couldn’t do it. It exhausts me if I spend a whole weekend playing with both kids all of the time. Having our son in preschool has been a huge success for us. He gets to stay busy with friends and activities that are age appropriate for him and my daughter can do things that are age-specific and age-appropriate for her at home. It means that we have to focus more on ensuring that our son gets enough one-on-one time with mom and dad when he is at home, but he really enjoys and benefits from school and it keeps everyone sane.

This is an area that continues to be a challenge for us, so thank you Sarah for giving me the chance to focus on it for a little bit. I hope the ideas help you too.

This post is part of the Carnival of Play on the PhD in Parenting blog. Just one more day to go! Expect a few wrap-up posts tomorrow…

Anyone with more than one child knows what it feels like to be pulled in two directions. The baby needs a diaper change and the older child wants a drink. The baby needs to nurse and the older child wants to play a game. The older child needs his bum wiped and the baby wants to be held. One kid wants to go to the park and the other one wants to go to the bookstore. One wants to read the Dr. Seuss book and the other one wants to read the Sesame Street book. That’s frustrating and difficult to deal with, but par for the course when you have more than one child.

What has been getting to me lately is the different speeds at which they do the same activity.

My son takes his time eating, dawdles, fiddles, does everything but eat and is always the last one finished a meal. My daughter is already saying “all done” before I’ve gotten two bites of my own dinner down and then proceeds to throw her food around the room if not let down from her high chair immediately. If we are out somewhere taking a walk, my daughter likes to stop to look at every flower, look in every window, feel the grass, pick up stones. My son wants to speed ahead and yells for us to go faster and catch up. At bath time, one wants to get in and get out and the other wants to stay and play. When reading a book, one wants to look at all of the pictures and ask questions and the other one wants to turn the pages as fast as possible.

Things were so much easier when my daughter was still an exclusively breastfed sling baby. Now, I feel torn and pulled in two directions. I feel like I’m coaching the Tortoise and the Hare.

Who knows if it will last forever, but for the moment our kids really seem to love each other and enjoy each other’s company. They play, they laugh, they shriek with joy. It is truly amazing to see them interact and puts a big smile on my face.

Here they are out biking and enjoying the fall leaves. The sling and stroller quickly lost their appeal for our little girl when she saw her big brother whirling around on his bike. So she gets helped along on her tricycle by Daddy.

Big brother makes for a great horse! A little physical play really helps to forge a strong bond and to teach both of them about their own strength and physical limitations.

Sharing experiences and building trust. Big brother encourages little sister to go down the slide or offers to catch her at the bottom. She also gets a giggle out of giving him a push down the slide.

Reading together is really special. Very simple books that are easily memorized or look and find books are ideal for our 4 year old to read to our 1.5 year old. A great literacy building activity for both of them and gives mom a chance to go to the bathroom in peace!

The next horizon may be sharing a room. If anyone reading has young opposite sex siblings sharing a room, I’d love to hear your experiences on bed arrangements, decor decisions, clothing storage, privacy, and ideal age for sharing versus getting their own rooms.