Does she sleep through the night?
Since so many people ask this question, I figured I might as well answer it on my blog.
The answer: I don’t know.
Before you jump to the conclusion that I am one of those baby trainers and I have simply turned off the baby monitor so that I don’t have to listen to my baby’s cries, that is not the case. I sleep right next to my daughter in the same bed.
So why don’t I know if my daughter is sleeping through the night or not? We are generally harmonious sleepers. She might rouse slightly, but I can usually semi-conciously snuggle up closer, put a hand on her back, or whip out a breast to put her back to sleep and then we both drift right back to sleep without having ever woken up completely and I have no recollection of it in the morning. To be sure there are nights that are exceptions, where she is sick or teething and wakes frequently and noticeably, but those are few and far between. Generally my cat and my husband wake me much more often than my baby girl does.
Now that you have the answer, let me tell you why I hate this question. I don’t mind when people ask me, because I’m knowledgeable about normal infant sleep, I am confident in my decisions, and I don’t feel sleep deprived. However, more often than not, the mothers that are on the receiving end of this question feel pressure to get their baby to sleep through the night. And more often than not, if the mother says that her baby is not sleeping through the night, her answer is followed by a barrage of bad advice about “tough love” or other variations of the ill advised “cry it out” method. They are made to feel like they are doing something wrong by loving and tending to their children at night.
Also, I think it is ridiculous that we act as though sleeping through the night is a milestone to be reached like rolling over, sitting up, walking or talking. Some people sleep through the night and some people don’t. Most people get roused by things that go bump in the night, they wake because they have something on their mind, or they need to use the bathroom. If it is okay for us to wake up at night, why isn’t it okay for our kids? Sleeping independently is the same thing. People seem to think it is important for a child to be able to sleep alone in his or her own room. But then once we are adults, we start bed sharing with our partners. Why should we expect little babies to be able to sleep on their own when we as adults feel the need to have someone in bed with us?
If you usually ask people this question, please don’t. If you often get asked this question, try answering “I don’t know, do you?” .
18 comments
[...] This will hopefully be able to compete with the hopeless drivel that some authors put out about sleeping through the night, crying it out, and other garbage (see discussion in the excellent article Mistaken Approaches to [...]
Thank you for an empowering and informative entry! It’s a particular bugbear of mine, that the small folk in our lives, are constantly the victims of the sleep debate.
The media are constantly publishing new methods that glorify the old CIO approach, so it’s really refreshing to see someone turn around and honestly say how they assist their infant to be comfortable, and well rested!
[...] If another parent complains about how tired she is, tell her how well rested you are as a result of co-sleeping. Let her know that your baby wakes up less often as a result of being next to you and that you hardly wake up at all when you do need to tend to her needs. [...]
I loved this article! We are new to co-sleeping but I find myself trying to explain to people or feeling bad when I say “oh,he sleeps with us”…I’m not going to do that anymore!
Thanks
[...] fashionable question at the time was “Is she toilet trained yet?” instead of the “Is she sleeping through the night?” question that we hear so often these days). Elizabeth Pantley has a great quiz to help you [...]
[...] your baby sleeping through the night [...]
[...] I sleep quite comfortably and harmoniously with my daughter and often don’t know whether she slept through the night or [...]
[...] your baby sleeping through the night [...]
[...] I sleep quite comfortably and harmoniously with my daughter and often don’t know whether she slept through the night or [...]
[...] like “does she sleep through the night?” and “is she a good baby?“, this is one of the most inevitable and annoying [...]
[...] fashionable question at the time was “Is she toilet trained yet?” instead of the “Is she sleeping through the night?” question that we hear so often these days). Elizabeth Pantley has a great quiz to help you [...]
[...] hate all of the chatter about sleeping through the night. Our society puts way too much pressure on parents in this regard and completely discounts [...]
thanks for the info. i just assumed something was wrong because my almost 6 mo isn’t “sleeping through the night” yet. i have read everything and done everything anyone has told me from giving more food to crying out!!! i feel better and now more relaxed that she will when she is ready!!!!
I have read a great article in the dream parenting website which was great and mentioned this website as being a great website to look at, about sleeping through.
I feel so reassured about the fact my little boy will sleep through when he is ready. Also its so true sleeping through is such a weight on a parents shoulders esp. if your baby is waking a lot
Actually, re. the “sleeping alone” thing – I think it is important for a child to be able to sleep alone. If I, as an adult, would be unable to sleep without someone next to me, this would be a problem. I think this is one of the things leading people to stay in relationships when they’re better off alone.
Sleeping with someone is fun, but should not be necessary – for babies or adults.
@persephone: People learn to be able to sleep alone with time. They don’t need to be able to do it immediately after leaving the mother’s womb.
[...] It could have been avoided if they didn’t have ridiculous pressure put on them by society to have their baby sleep through the night. [...]
[...] is an effective discipline tool or if there is a better way, or challenging the notion that babies should sleep through the night and that if they don’t, you need to let them cry it [...]
Leave a Comment