Since so many people ask this question, I figured I might as well answer it on my blog.
The answer: I don’t know.
Before you jump to the conclusion that I am one of those baby trainers and I have simply turned off the baby monitor so that I don’t have to listen to my baby’s cries, that is not the case. I sleep right next to my daughter in the same bed.
So why don’t I know if my daughter is sleeping through the night or not? We are generally harmonious sleepers. She might rouse slightly, but I can usually semi-conciously snuggle up closer, put a hand on her back, or whip out a breast to put her back to sleep and then we both drift right back to sleep without having ever woken up completely and I have no recollection of it in the morning. To be sure there are nights that are exceptions, where she is sick or teething and wakes frequently and noticeably, but those are few and far between. Generally my cat and my husband wake me much more often than my baby girl does.
Now that you have the answer, let me tell you why I hate this question. I don’t mind when people ask me, because I’m knowledgeable about normal infant sleep, I am confident in my decisions, and I don’t feel sleep deprived. However, more often than not, the mothers that are on the receiving end of this question feel pressure to get their baby to sleep through the night. And more often than not, if the mother says that her baby is not sleeping through the night, her answer is followed by a barrage of bad advice about “tough love” or other variations of the ill advised “cry it out” method. They are made to feel like they are doing something wrong by loving and tending to their children at night.
Also, I think it is ridiculous that we act as though sleeping through the night is a milestone to be reached like rolling over, sitting up, walking or talking. Some people sleep through the night and some people don’t. Most people get roused by things that go bump in the night, they wake because they have something on their mind, or they need to use the bathroom. If it is okay for us to wake up at night, why isn’t it okay for our kids? Sleeping independently is the same thing. People seem to think it is important for a child to be able to sleep alone in his or her own room. But then once we are adults, we start bed sharing with our partners. Why should we expect little babies to be able to sleep on their own when we as adults feel the need to have someone in bed with us?
If you usually ask people this question, please don’t. If you often get asked this question, try answering “I don’t know, do you?” .
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Thank you for an empowering and informative entry! It’s a particular bugbear of mine, that the small folk in our lives, are constantly the victims of the sleep debate.
The media are constantly publishing new methods that glorify the old CIO approach, so it’s really refreshing to see someone turn around and honestly say how they assist their infant to be comfortable, and well rested!
I loved this article! We are new to co-sleeping but I find myself trying to explain to people or feeling bad when I say “oh,he sleeps with us”…I’m not going to do that anymore!
Thanks
thanks for the info. i just assumed something was wrong because my almost 6 mo isn’t “sleeping through the night” yet. i have read everything and done everything anyone has told me from giving more food to crying out!!! i feel better and now more relaxed that she will when she is ready!!!!
I have read a great article in the dream parenting website which was great and mentioned this website as being a great website to look at, about sleeping through.
I feel so reassured about the fact my little boy will sleep through when he is ready. Also its so true sleeping through is such a weight on a parents shoulders esp. if your baby is waking a lot
Actually, re. the “sleeping alone” thing – I think it is important for a child to be able to sleep alone. If I, as an adult, would be unable to sleep without someone next to me, this would be a problem. I think this is one of the things leading people to stay in relationships when they’re better off alone.
Sleeping with someone is fun, but should not be necessary – for babies or adults.
@persephone: People learn to be able to sleep alone with time. They don’t need to be able to do it immediately after leaving the mother’s womb.
Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog.
Cheers! Sandra. R.
I know this is an older post, but I wanted to comment anyway! You are one fortunate mama! What you describe is certainly what I’d read about when pregnant, but not the experience of all co-sleeping mama/baby duos. I know for a fact that my babe wakes up many times a night!