Intuitively and instinctively, the cry it out (CIO) method (also known as sleep training or ferberizing or controlled crying) of getting a baby to sleep is not something I ever felt comfortable with. And as I did research on infant sleep, I learned about what normal infant sleep is and I also learned more about the reasons why the CIO method is harmful. There are numerous scientific and emotional reasons why we have chosen not to let our babies cry it out, which I have summarized below.
1. Cry it out can cause harmful changes to babies’ brains
Babies cry. They cry to let us know that they need something. And when we don’t respond to those cries, it causes them undue amounts of stress. Science has shown that stress in infancy can result in enduring negative impacts on the brain. Prolonged cries in infants causes increased blood pressure in the brain, elevates stress hormones, obstructs blood from draining out of the brain, and decreases oxygenation to the brain. Excessive crying results in an oversensitive stress system (likened to a faulty burglar alarm in one book) that can lead to a fear of being alone, separation anxiety, panic attacks and addictions. Harvard researchers found that it makes them more susceptible to stress as adults and changes the nervous system so that they are overly sensitive to future trauma. Chronic stress in infancy can also lead to an over-active adrenaline system, which results in the child using increased aggression, impulsivity, and violence. Another study showed that persistent crying episodes in infancy is linked with a 10 times greater chance of the child having ADHD, resulting in poor school performance and antisocial behaviour. However, if you consistently soothe your child’s distress and take any anguished crying seriously, highly effective stress response systems are established in the brain that allow your child to cope with stress later in life.
2. Cry it out can result in decreased intellectual, emotional and social development
At an American Academy of Pediatrics meeting, infant developmental specialist Dr. Michael Lewis presented research findings demonstrating that “the single most important influence of a child’s intellectual development is the responsiveness of the mother to the cues of her baby.” More specifically, other studies have found that babies whose cries are ignored do not develop healthy intellectual and social skills, that they have an average IQ 9 points lower at age 5, they show poor fine motor development, show more difficulty controlling their emotions, and take longer to become independent as children (stay clingy for longer).
3. Cry it out can result in a detached baby
Researchers have shown that although leaving a baby to cry it out does often lead to the cries eventually stopping, the cries do not stop because the child is content or the problem has been alleviated. Rather, they stop because the baby has given up hope that a caregiver will respond and provide comfort. This results in a detached baby. Detached children are less responsive, appear to be depressed or “not there” and often lack empathy.
4. Cry it out is harmful to the parent-child relationship
A child that is left to cry it out is less likely to turn to the parents in times of need. Being attended to as a baby is the most basic of needs and if a child learns at that point that she can count on her parents to respond to her needs, then she will also turn to them later in life when she needs their support. But I worry that if I leave my children to cry it out, then they will not see the point in reaching out to us if they have problems later in life and could try to deal with serious issues like bullying, drug addictions, teenage pregnancy, gambling problems, or flunking out of school on their own or turn to peers. Unfortunately, those problems are often too big for a teenager to be left to deal with alone or with peers and it can have disastrous results ranging from making poor decisions all the way to committing suicide out of a feeling of hopelessness.
5. Cry it out can make children insecure
Children whose caregivers are not consistently responsive and sensitive, often become insecure. Long-term studies have shown that secure individuals are more likely to be outgoing, popular, well-adjusted, compassionate, and altruistic. As adults, secure individuals are likely to be comfortable depending on others, can develop close attachments, and trust their partners. Insecure individuals, on the other hand, tend to be unsettled in their relationships, displaying anxiety (manifesting as possessiveness, jealousy, and clinginess) or avoidance (manifesting as mistrust and a reluctance to depend on others). Parents that use the cry it out method often do so because they are afraid that their children are becoming too dependent. However, an abundance of research shows that regular physical contact, reassurance, and prompt responses to distress in infancy and childhood results in secure and confident adults who are better able to form functional relationships.
6. Cry it out often doesn’t work at all
Some babies will not give in. They are resilient or stubborn enough that they refuse to believe that their parents could be so cruel as to leave them to cry to sleep. So instead of whimpering a bit and then drifting off to sleep as some supposed sleep experts would have you believe happens, they end up sobbing and sobbing and sobbing for hours on end. Some end up vomiting. Many end up shaking so hard and become so distraught that once their parents realize that CIO is not going to work, the baby is shaking uncontrollably and hiccuping, too distressed to sleep and too distraught to be calmed down even by a loving parent.
7. Even if cry it out does “work”, parents often have to do it over and over again
I can’t imagine putting my child through one or several nights of inconsolable crying to get her to go to sleep and I certainly can’t imagine having to do it over and over again. However, that is the reality for many parents. I hear people tell me that they always let their child cry for thirty minutes to go to sleep. Or that they have to start the CIO sleep training process all over again after each round of teething, each growth spurt, each developmental milestone.
8. Cry it out is disrespectful of my child’s needs
So-called sleep trainers will tell you that after a certain age, babies do not have any more needs at night. Some claim this is after a few short weeks, others after a few months, others after a year. Regardless of the age that is assigned to that message, to me it seems wrong. I’m an adult and yet there are days when I need someone else to comfort me. If I’ve had a really stressful week at work, if I’ve had a fight with someone that is important to me, if I’ve lost a loved one, then I need to be comforted. But how would I feel and what would it do to our relationship if my husband closed the door and walked out of the room and let me “cry it out” myself? I’m an adult and yet there are nights when I am so parched that I need a glass of water or I am so hungry that I need a snack. I’m not going to die if those needs are not met, but I am going to physically uncomfortable and unable to sleep soundly. If I were to let my child CIO, it would be like saying that his needs are not important and that to me is disrespectful. To quote Dr. William Sears on the sleep trainers, “Parents let me caution you. Difficult problems in child rearing do not have easy answers. Children are too valuable and their needs too important to be made victims of cheap, shallow advice“.
9. Deep sleep from cry it out is often a result of trauma
Babies who are left to cry it out do sometimes fall into a deep sleep after they finally drop off. And their parents and sleep trainers will hail this as a success of the CIO method. However, babies and young children often sleep deeply after experiencing trauma. Therefore, the deep sleep that follows CIO shouldn’t be seen as proof that it works. Rather, it should be seen as a disturbing shortcoming.
10. Our World Needs More Love
Rates of depression are skyrocketing. Violent and senseless crimes are on the rise. As human beings, we need to spend more time being there for each other, showing compassion, nurturing our children. Learning that you can’t count on your parents to be there when you need them is a tough lesson to learn that early in life and can be a root of many of the social problems we are facing today. I want to give my kids every chance possible of escaping depression and staying away from violence. And I’m convinced that nurturing them and responding to their needs at night, as I do during the day, is the first step in the right direction.
Those are our reasons for not using the cry it out method. What are yours?
Do you need some gentle sleep tips? See Gentle Baby and Toddler Sleep Tips
Sources:
The following sources were used in the development of this post:
- Dr. Sears – Science Says: Excessive Crying Could be Harmful to Babies
- Margaret Chuong-Kim – Cry It Out: The Potential Dangers of Leaving Your Baby to Cry
- Paul M. Fleiss, M.D., M.P.H, F.A.A.P – Mistaken Approaches to Night Waking
- Australian Association for Infant Mental Health – Position Paper 1: Controlled Crying
- Alvin Powell – Children Need Touching and Attention, Harvard Researchers Say
- Pinky McKay – The Con of Controlled Crying
- Linda Folden Palmer – Stress in Infancy
- Gayle E. McKinnon – CIO? No! The case for not using “cry-it-out” with your children
- Macall Gordon – Is “crying it out” appropriate for infants? A review of the literature on the use of extinction in the first year
- Elizabeth Pantley – The No Cry Sleep Solution (book)
- Katie Allison Granju – Attachment Parenting (book)
- Dr. William Sears – Nighttime Parenting (book)
- Margot Sunderland – The Science of Parenting (book)
Note: Please note that not all of these sources look specifically at crying it out. Some of them look at the risks of excessive crying in general. It is my opinion that excessive crying is excessive crying, whether it happens at night or not. Also, as I discussed in my follow-up post Cry it Out (CIO): Is it harmful or helpful? and Another Academic Weighs in on CIO there is no evidence that cry it out is safe, despite what its supporters will tell you.
{ 293 comments… read them below or add one }
Fantastic post! What an incredible summary of the research on CIO.
By the way, thought you might be interested in this research paper on the biological and anthropological bases for AP practices. It’s really incredibly thorough:
http://www.epjournal.net/filestore/ep05102183.pdf
Carla
Thanks for sharing that article Carla. I’ll have to take some time to read it in detail.
hey phdip,
curious – did my FB status prompt you to write this? (was something like “…is so glad he let kid cry himself to sleep so long ago”) cuz if it did, good! You have excellent points and if it helps ensure more children are well-adjusted in the future than may be negatively affected by same advice, so much the better!
now, i’d like to put my own nickel in (time to get rid of the penny). i see a lot of arguments against CIO based on fear and insecurity (which is interesting in itself but I won’t go there right now). I agree with many of your points, but some – like let your baby CIO and he’ll end up killing himself later – are a bit over the top. It took a few days of our kid crying himself to sleep before he started singing or chatting or happily role-playing himself to sleep – and now, the routine leading up to bedtime is so much fun (a few books on the potty, brush the teeth, read another book, a final trip to the potty, turn out the lights, start twinkle twinkle, ok another trip to the potty if you must but no piggy back this time, restart ‘TTLS’ and he’s tucked in for the night).
I think the point I’d like to make most is that letting kid CIO does NOT mean you’re distant from him/her – if he calls (insistently enough), we’ll visit to make sure he’s ok and hug him over the rails as long as it takes for him to settle down. If he’s ever hurt or upset, we acknowledge/validate the state he’s in and hold him close until he knows he’s going to be ok.
I think the research you’re referencing has a bias – insofar as those parents who let CIO are more probably the same parents that neglect their kids 24/7 and raise them in an unwholesome environment – that surely has more to do with long-term emotional distress than whether you let CIO a few days now and sometimes again.
My comment above on FB was prompted by friends whose kid is SO entirely dependent on his parents to sleep at night, that he is depriving them of their couple time and their desperately needed sleep, and as a result, they are constantly frustrated, at odds with each other, and left feeling helpless and misunderstood and “joke” about divorce. Is that a wholesome family environment? I hardly think so.
It is therefore, like everything else, a matter of maintaining a healthy balance, a middle ground that works well (or at least well enough) for everybody. And if that requires a few bouts of CIO and him learning that sometimes you have to look after yourself first to look better after others later, then I think that’s important to acknowledge. Wouldn’t you agree?
I think CIO in these articles generally refers to babies. Toddlers (12ish months and up)are going to cry and throw tantrums for a myriad of reasons, including not wanting to go to bed. The big difference is that they have language or the ability to express themselves in otherways than crying. i jump to every cry that I can for my infants, but wean them off my immediate attention as they mature.
I agree with your comment! These bad side effects of this and that are only frightening parents, who read and try to digest too much.
As long as you love your children, give them your time, respect them as you do your friend they will grow up healthy individuals just like their parents. So first look critically and deeply at the reflexion of yourself and see how your imprint is going to repeat on your children. Are you happy with yourself? If yes, keep informed but take the golden middle path and stay away from extremes.
Hi crammer,
Nope, it wasn’t your FB status (I didn’t even see that!). Goodness, that would have been awfully passive aggressive of me if that had been my reason.
In any case, I wrote it for a few reasons:
1) There is a lot of research on this topic out there, but I hadn’t seen it summarized well in one article before. I posted the links to those studies and articles on my FB profile a while back, but then later took the time to review them all again and write this summary.
2) Both IRL and on a message board that I moderate, I see a lot of parents that are being told by others that their baby must sleep through the night (as if it were a developmental milestone) and that they must let them CIO to achieve that. In a lot of cases, those parents feel instinctively that it is not something they want to do, but feel so much outside pressure to do it that they give in. Or there are moms being pressured by their husbands to give it a try and they just want some research to show them to support their decision not to do it. In any case, I wanted to confidently present OUR reasons for OUR choices and also arm those that feel that they need to justify their choice not to CIO with some information to help them do so.
3) If someone is on the fence and not sure what to do, maybe this info will help them.
In any case, your comments are interesting and I want to reply in more detail, but I have to work now….I’ll get back to you this evening (after I parent my child to sleep….).
You said: I agree with many of your points, but some – like let your baby CIO and he’ll end up killing himself later – are a bit over the top.
My reply: To be fair, I didn’t say let your baby CIO and he’ll end up killing himself later. I said that was one extreme in the range of possibilities. (“Unfortunately, those problems are often too big for a teenager to be left to deal with alone or with peers and it can have disastrous results ranging from making poor decisions all the way to committing suicide out of a feeling of hopelessness.”). Some human beings manage to deal with extreme pain and suffering (war, hunger, abuse, etc.) and still come through it with a smile. But other human beings, for whatever reason, are more fragile and have more difficulty coping. As a result, I think that some babies will be able to pick up and move on easily from being left to CIO while others will become more withdrawn. Some kids are bullied and escape unscathed, while others are scarred for life. I don’t know which way my baby’s brain is wired, so I err on the side of caution and make sure that she knows that we will always be there for her. We will give her tools as she grows older to deal with problems on her own, but I will not teach her the lesson that we won’t always be there by letting her CIO.
You said: I think the point I’d like to make most is that letting kid CIO does NOT mean you’re distant from him/her – if he calls (insistently enough), we’ll visit to make sure he’s ok and hug him over the rails as long as it takes for him to settle down. If he’s ever hurt or upset, we acknowledge/validate the state he’s in and hold him close until he knows he’s going to be ok.
My reply: You’ve chosen a modified version of CIO that is certainly more responsive than what a lot of people do. I know of people that put their baby to bed at 8pm and don’t go back into the room until 8am, no matter what. I still wouldn’t be comfortable using your approach, but I can see that it is a better alternative to what a lot of people are practicing.
You said: My comment above on FB was prompted by friends whose kid is SO entirely dependent on his parents to sleep at night, that he is depriving them of their couple time and their desperately needed sleep, and as a result, they are constantly frustrated, at odds with each other, and left feeling helpless and misunderstood and “joke” about divorce. Is that a wholesome family environment? I hardly think so.
My reply: We all have our limits as parents. Personally, I am able to say “this too shall pass”. I recognize that my kids will only be small for a few short years and I’m willing to put aside some of my own needs and wants to give them the best start in life. We had the advantage of 10 years of couple time before we had kids and I know that our marriage is resilient enough to withstand a few years where nighttime parenting might need to cut into our couple time. But if someone else is on the verge of having a complete breakdown, is at extreme risk of neglecting or abusing themselves or their kids during the day due to nighttime problems or feels that their marriage is going to fall apart, then they need to do something about their sleep situation.
However, I don’t think that CIO needs to be the solution. There are so many other things that people can do (The No Cry Sleep Solution is a great book full of suggestions). Not every solution is going to work for every child or every family, but I think there is a route to better sleep for everyone that doesn’t involve CIO. In our case, I know that a couple more hours of exercise and fresh air each day makes a world of difference in my son’s sleep and is good for him too.
Bear with me. It’s late and I’m feeling chatty. . .
I have trouble following your line of reasoning re: marriage resilience and putting mommy and daddy’s needs as a couple in last place. Regardless of the method, philosophy, or training tactic you may use to get your child to sleep, if you are raising that child with a partner, how you and that partner relate to and communicate with one another is a crucial part of the concept of raising an emotionally healthy child. If mom and dad aren’t connecting and intimate with one another, and yes, having regular sex and snuggle time with each-other, then the child will sense that tension and frustration in the family vibe.
A few years of focusing on the child/children to the exclusion of your spouse and his/her emotional and physical needs could very well spell disaster for that couple and, ultimately, their child(ren). You mention the possibility of divorce in your comment here, but only as a problem to focus on as a last resort once everything else has already started to fall apart, rather than encouraging couples to concientiously pay attention to each-other each and every day.
I’m not advocating for going at it for three hours while baby screams in the next room over, but carving out time – and space – for mom and dad to be together is a huge part of the happy family equation.
Our seven-month old sleeps with us and has since she was born. I practice a kind of parenting I like to think of as leading with love. We carry her, talk and sing to her, feed her, play with her, and engage her all with constant love and respect. She is readily responded to, but sometimes she has a good cry because we recognize her complex emotions as something we don’t always have the cure for as parents. We also recognize that to have the energy to give her everything she deserves, we need to feel fulfilled and happy with ourselves as individuals and a couple. We cannot parent her to the exclusion of our couple hood. It doesn’t work like that. There is always a balance to strike.
I believe you have valid reasons behind your convictions and I respect your point of view and decisions as a parent that you’ve written about here, but you strike me as somewhat dogmatic in your views and your opinions come across like verdicts from above. There is a tone issue at work here; I think this causes more of the arguments on here than the actual content of your blog.
I’m curious if you and your husband are in complete agreement about these issues, or if there have been tough conversations along the way, trying to find a middle road between the expected variations in how two different people view the complex maze that is parenting. No sarcasm. I’m very interested to know how parents come to the conclusions that they do, and about the process that got them there, and the possible trade-offs. Great sleep for the baby but no sex for a week, two weeks, three?
One more comment, and then I’ll step off my soapbox. When labels are applied to anything as complex as all of the choices and love and anguish that go into being a parent, that role is immediately trivialized and for some frightening reason parenting is converting into following a set of rules (or “principles”) rather than living in the moment, responding to your child and doing the best you can with what you’ve got. Labels are labels, no matter how good you perceive the tenets behind that label to be. Every time you attach one to yourself, you paint on one additional layer of self-limitation. I could go down the checklist of “AP” principles and recognize them all in my style of parenting, but I’m not an attachment parent. I’m just me. I’m my daughter’s mom and my partner’s teammate and best friend. Why do others feel the need for such labels? This is something I honestly struggle to understand.
GREAT reply!
There are other things related to parenting that we disagree on, but not using the cry it out method is something we have always both agreed on and always both supported each other on. If one of us is feeling frustrated and at our wit’s end with a baby or toddler who will not sleep, we are lucky to have the other one to step in and help.
Amanda, such a great response that really encourages me in my current situation with my one year old, co-sleeping, beautiful girl. Sleep is critical and so is my relationship with my husband. I have come to a place where I feel it is my job as her mom to teach her the skill of sleeping and sometimes that means a little crying. I am allowing some degree of crying just as I know there will be some crying when I say “no” to that inappropriate movie or junk food later in life. I could write on and on but it is Christmas Eve! Just wanted to thank you for your comment even though it was over a year ago. Blessings…
Jessica:
Interesting. I don’t see asking for a parent’s presence at bedtime as equivalent to an inappropriate movie or junk food. If was going to equate it to something later in life, I might equate it to my son calling me from a party and asking me to come pick him up because the buddy who was supposed to drive him home has been drinking.
If my kids say “I need you”, I will be there for them, all the while teaching them skills and giving them confidence that will allow them to become more independent as they are ready. Saying “I need you mommy” is much different than saying “I need candy.”
… and since what goes around comes around, if all other things are equal, if its good for your son it’ll be good for everybody. Isn’t that what we all strive for!
Exactly! Thanks again for stopping by and commenting….
What if you’re a working mother and your baby will not sleep unless she is breastfed…and even then, will not fall into a deep enough sleep to get her to her crib before she wakes? We’ve tried CIO for the past few days and my wife hates it, but our baby will actually fall asleep. We’ve been having her get in bed with my wife and lay down and nurse. After 30 minutes or so, she’ll fall asleep for 2 hours (maybe). She has also been sleeping in our bed most nights and nursing between naps…
any advice….my wife heads back to work in 5 weeks and our nanny is expecting a baby in 4. Our nanny can’t exactly nurse our baby to sleep; this is why we are trying CIO to get our daughter to sleep. Our daughter is 11 weeks today.
thanks
there is a dvd called the happiest baby on the block maybe you should look into other soothing methods!!!!
11 weeks and doing CIO???????????????????????? Even the CIO supporters don’t support babies CIO at that young age.
you could check out babywhispererforums.com – the Baby Whisperer method is opposed to CIO but does help your child learn how to sleep independently. 11 weeks is still really tiny, and she needs her mommy.
I’m a working mother too, which is exactly why I co-sleep. It means that I can nurse at night without having to get out of bed and it also gives me more time to connect with and be close to my baby, who I miss so much during the day.
At first, I didn’t find that I necessarily slept more while co-sleeping but with time as the baby got older and as I got more used to it, I found that I hardly needed to wake at all to feed the baby. And sometimes my kids even latched themselves on and helped themselves while I continued to snooze.
Incidentally, both of my kids slept much longer stretches right next to me than they would if they were sleeping on their own. Both of them also fell into a pattern of sleeping through the night most of the time while being in my bed, but would wake fairly easily if I wasn’t there.
I would suggest getting the No Cry Sleep Solution. It has great suggestions for improving a baby’s sleep without crying and has ideas for both co-sleeping or crib sleeping. Crib sleeping was never really a good option for us, but if that is your preference, the book might be able to help.
My husband and my mom care for my kids while I am at work. Sometimes a bottle works to get them to sleep. Sometimes rocking them. Sometimes a walk in the stroller or the sling. There are lots of ways to get a baby to sleep without crying.
I hope you find something that works for you!
Let me know if you have any follow-up questions…
Great summary! Here are two related articles from the Natural Child Project site:
A Baby Cries: How Should Parents Respond?
http://www.naturalchild.org/jan_hunt/babycries.html
Ten Reasons to Respond to a Crying Child
http://www.naturalchild.org/jan_hunt/crying.html
They also have a bumper sticker “Teach babies love – answer their cries.” I think that says it all!
Jennie M.
Amen Amen Amen!!!
I’m always confused when I read women’s posts that say “I hope I don’t have to CIO”… doesn’t that mean that deep down, somewhere, they know this is not the right choice to make?
Yup…. I have children as old as 15, and I can tell you none of them have cried longer than it ever took me to drop what I was doing to hold them. What a loving gift to give a child!
You know, I’m really conflicted right now about CIO. My 5-mo old wakes up every 40-mins to an hour all night. He tosses and turns and fusses and wakes up every 20 mins or so from 3:30-5. The longest he’ll sleep is two hours. He is so exhausted he’ll wake up if I so much as rustle the sheets.
Yes, he’s in my bed. We also use a co-sleeper but it’s very difficult to get him into it w/out waking up and starting the screaming all over again. And, FWIW, I breastfeed on demand and nurse him to sleep. And yes, we have a routine, etc. etc. Yes I “wear” him. Yes I read No-Cry Sleep Solution and no it hasn’t worked for us and yes I’m really following it.
Now, while I appreciate a mother’s disinclination to CIO and am more against it than for it, I find these “scientific” sources–that you and other CIO-opponents use–to be dubious. If you’re going to list Sears as a “scientific source,” then why can’t someone list Ferber or WEissbluth as a source?
Also, there are lots of logical flaws in the “scientific” connections between studies and the implications for CIO. For example, this study is often cited: “Infant developmental specialist Dr. Michael Lewis presented research findings at an American Academy of Pediatrics meeting, concluding that ‘the single most important influence of a child’s intellectual development is the responsiveness of the mother to the cues of her baby.’”
Sure! Of course! No sane person would argue that or any of the other studies SEars cites.
But were these studies directly dealing with babies crying at night for one or two nights? No. And of course a baby whose cries are habitually ignored is going to have increased stress, trauma and poor development. That’s pretty obvious. But is this research, and the other research cited by Sears, directly speaking to CIO? No.
I’m not defending CIO, per se, I’m just asking that we be intellectually honest in these discussions.
Say there was a study done on people who are traumatized by living in war zones. And one particular study shows that people who live in these war zones have increased levels of stress. Any time one of these people is exposed to very loud noise, the noise triggers a severe anxiety attack.
Would it be fair to say, Loud noises trigger severe anxiety attack? No–because you’re leaving out an essential piece of the equation. Same with these studies that are often used to “prove” how harmful CIO is.
What about a mother who is so exhausted because she’s been guilted into thinking that CIO is going to irreparably harm her child that she hasn’t slept for more than 40 minutes for months. She is so tired she can barely play with her child all day. She is so depressed and exhausted she can’t eat properly. She argues with her spouse. She falls asleep while her baby stares at the ceiling fan in bed next to her despite her best efforts to stay awake. She’s so exhausted and numb that when he baby does fuss during the day she can’t even respond right away.
Are you really telling me this is better for a child’s development than “controlled crying” for a few nights? Sure, I know. It doesn’t work all the time. And no, it’s not a great solution. It sucks. And I’m sure many many parents only turn to CIO because they are at the end of their respective ropes.
It’s easy for some moms to look down on other moms who have to turn to CIO. Maybe their babies only wake up 4 or 5 times a night. Maybe they are able to let their husbands get the baby to sleep so they can nap.
It’s not such an easy decision. I of course think moms shoudl try all of the other options before turning to CIO. But A) sometimes it seems to be the lesser of two evils. and B) I wish people would think about the logical connection between “studies” and their parenting practices before demonizing others.
Meghan,
THANK YOU. I agree with you 100%, and I’ve never been able to express myself so well. No matter what side of this debate you’re on, you can find “scientific” evidence to support your claims.
I personally went for 8 months without sleeping longer than an hour at a time. I was usually up every 20 minutes to half an hour at night. I couldn’t even drive, I was so tired. I was not a very entertaining mother, either. Unless you’ve been there, you cannot guess how this feels.
We sleep-trained our daughter, but not with CIO. We let her cry for 5 minutes, then went in and comforted her. Then the next night, it was 10 minutes. She knew we were there and that we cared, and she learned how to go to sleep on her own. We both feel better because of it!
For anyone who is reading this and being racked by guilt because you’re so exhausted you can’t see straight (much less create charts as the NCSS suggests), we hired a sleep consultant named Dawn (http://www.cheekychops.ca/), who was a fantastic help. She also assists parents who want to co-sleep.
Less judgement, more support!
Meghan -
Comment 17 provides a link to today’s post which is my attempt at being intellectually honest about this stuff.
With regards to the rest of your comment, I do feel for you. It does sound like you are sleep deprived and I remember being there sometimes with my son. As I said in Comment 8, “If someone else is on the verge of having a complete breakdown, is at extreme risk of neglecting or abusing themselves or their kids during the day due to nighttime problems or feels that their marriage is going to fall apart, then they need to do something about their sleep situation. However, I don’t think that CIO needs to be the solution.”
You say that you have tried the No Cry Sleep Solution and it didn’t work for you. Does that mean that you did the logs for 3 days, chose your solutions and implemented them for 10 days (and continued the log) and saw no improvements, made some adjustments and chose different strategies and did it for another 10 days with no improvement at all?
The NCSS is a gradual process. By being consistent with the strategies that you’ve chosen, you will see incremental success. It isn’t an overnight solution and the “plan” needs to be adjusted over time. You also need to account for things like teething, developmental milestones, growth spurts, etc. impacting the process.
Meghan, I know this is hard. See if you can get some help from someone during the day sometime so that you can get some extra sleep. Try to get out and get lots of fresh air (if you put your baby in a sling or stroller, maybe he’ll go to sleep and you can have a “break” too – mine both took some of their best naps outdoors).
Screw you.
How charmingly eloquent!!
Agree. What a condescending and passive-aggressive response.
Thank you for this webpage.
I’m so glad I’m not the only one that thinks this is too much for a child to handle – despite the fact that almost every mom I know has done this.
I’ll share my story.
Just like Meghan (above), I was extremely sleep-deprived, going through post partum depression, and desperate for some hours of sleep; so finally we agreed to do the cry it out method. Surely, if I got some sleep, I’d be a better mom.
For one month we heard our baby scream when bed time came. Not cry; scream.
By the second week, I was hearing him scream (in my mind) during the night, although he was deeply asleep. He slept the first 5 days through the night; after that he was waking up again. (So, no different than before)
According to the book we were following, we were not to respond for 10 minutes if he woke at night. One night his room was so hot because the temperature rose, and we didn’t know about it. He was sweating extremely by the time he had screamed for 10 minutes.
By the last week, I was hating bed time so much. Then while our son cried and screamed, my husband and I were almost at each other’s throats. During the day our baby was witnessing our arguments.
We gave up.
And our baby has become more whiny, more aggressive, and fears more the unknown – he used to explore the world more.
We were desperate and believed that Weissbluth was correct that every baby can sleep.
As a happy ending, our little one is back to himself. It took a few months. That’s my story. Thank you.
Some contrary opinions that are quite critical of the science behind many of the anti-CIO arguments you might be interested in:
http://mainstreamparenting.wordpress.com/2008/06/25/of-sources-and-straw-houses-the-annotated-dr-sears-handout-on-cio/
http://mainstreamparenting.wordpress.com/2008/01/23/when-proof-is-not-proof-apnp-research/
As I said in my comment on your other post, I also think you are missing an important part of the equation – the detrimental effects of sleep deprivation on parent and child. Is 2-3 nights of attended crying, resulting in good sleep for everyone, really going to be that much worse than months or years of no one getting enough sleep? Some will say of course the crying is worse; all I know is that my then 7 month old became a completely different baby after 2 nights of us using the Ferber baby. She went from crying, cranky, and barely sleeping at all, with HUGE bags under her eyes, to a happy baby who almost never cried. The change was amazing, and it appeared to all have to do with her finally getting enough sleep.
Not sleeping was having a seriously negative effect on my baby. CIO fixed that. Co-sleeping made it worse. Everything else we tried failed.
@Egrrrl
As I said in reply to your other comment, if you do have to resort to some sort of crying approach because you’ve tried everything else and are still sleep deprived, then that is your choice, but I don’t think you can assume that there is no harm at all.
If my child wouldn’t eat anything but pop tarts, then I would feed him pop tarts rather than having him starve and sure he would look healthier and happier than when he was eating nothing, but I wouldn’t pretend that it was a healthy diet and that it was having no ill effects on his health.
My other post on this topic was a reply to “critiques” like the ones you listed, so I won’t rehash that here. Lets just say I’m glad I don’t have to justify being a “mainstream parent”, I’m glad to be an attached parent instead.
This was a great posting. I don’t understand why people have children if they aren’t willing to take the steps necessary to have a happy baby. Of course infants are “needy”, they are babies! Ignoring a crying baby and emotionally stunting their growth early on is just poor parenting. It’s that simple.
I usually try not to be judgmental, but it’s pretty clear to me why we have so many “messed up” children in this world.
Infant experiences are a lot more far reaching that most people would think.
@joshua
Ok, so in the interests of coming back to reality, let’s just identify here and now that your comments:
“Ignoring a crying baby and emotionally stunting their growth early on is just poor parenting. It’s that simple.
I usually try not to be judgmental, but it’s pretty clear to me why we have so many “messed up” children in this world.”
are the most foolish I’ve read through this and the other post. These are ridiculous comments, and I’m sure phd will agree with me. In fact you’ve tainted a level-headed and lively discussion.
So, in the interests of keeping the discussion going, hopefully my post will ward off the ire of many parents who read these articles because they need help and assistance, then come across your post blaming the world’s problems on parents who try/do CIO.
No, I’m not a fan of CIO either, but you need to get a grip.
My 6-month old wakes every hour or two in his crib OR when he’s next to us. My husband and I sleep on a futon matress on the floor in his room so we can tend to his cries as soon as possible. We reject the CIO method, we’ve tried the Pantley way (to the letter, and no, it did not work), and we’re just wondering what DO we do? He hated the car seat and the stroller for five months, which made the simplest of chores out of the house a nightmare, but he’s better in both places now. Is it possible for a high-needs/previously colicky/non-napping baby to simply MATURE into better sleeping patterns?
@ Krista
One of my kids has always been high needs and a bad sleeper and the other one is easy going and a good sleeper, so I have had the opportunity to experience both.
We went through some really awful periods with my son sleepwise, where it seemed like he was nursing all night long. The No Cry Sleep Solution (NCSS) helped to improve things somewhat, but wasn’t a perfect solution.
In the section on improving mom’s sleep, NCSS talks about the importance of exercise. However, this isn’t mentioned anywhere as a solution to improving the baby’s sleep (that I could see/ recall). It is mentioned briefly in the NCSS for toddlers and preschoolers.
Ironically, exercise and fresh air turned out to be THE most important things in encouraging better sleep for our son. I think this is common in high needs kids. They have so much energy and need an outlet for it. I thought our son was getting plenty of time outdoors and time to exercise (2 hours or so per day), but when we doubled or tripled that, his sleep got so much better!
Obviously a 6 month old can’t run around outside, but getting out in the fresh air and being given the opportunity to move around and explore in the outdoors as much as possible can really make a difference.
That said, to answer your question about whether it is possible for a baby to simply mature into better sleeping patterns, I think some part of being a good sleeper does just come with time. But part of it is creating a healthy sleep environment for the child. That includes good nutrition (food sensitivities or allergies can often contribute to poor sleep), lots of exercise and fresh air, no TV or at least no TV in the evenings, regular bedtime and calming bedtime routine, sleep space that is the right temperature, comfortable but firm, free from clutter and free from environmental pollutants/allergens.
How kind of you to take the time to reply to my question, and so quickly!
Thanks for the advice. He has some good nights, but the bad ones just make me feel so sad for him. Never mind me – I’ve accepted that being a mom means being there for my child – day or night. And I don’t intend to sound like a martyr. That’s just the way it is. I go to bed when he does around 7:00, so I’m getting my rest!
Your suggestion to try the outdoors approach was a “well, yeah, duh!” moment for me. When our son was at the height of his colic, he’d cry, no, scream, solidly from 3-7pm (and various other parts of the day). One day we walked outside with him, and he stopped crying! It didn’t always work that easily, and with winter in Wisconsin on its way, we won’t always have the option, but something as simple as fresh air and a change of scenery may just be the trick to better sleep. After experiencing a baby with colic, when all our desperate and persistent attempts to nurse him, cuddle him, rock him, sing to him, failed, I cannot just walk away when he’s crying. Now that Jude cries less, there is no way I’d go back to hearing him cry without responding. We’ll keep on trying!
Great post. Thank you for the great info and excellent research. Also seems to be a lively discussion in these comments, which is a good reminder that every child is different, and what works for some will not work for others. It’s so important for parents to be in tune with how their child acts, even if it is sometimes at the expense of expert opinion. But I also think that babies are more resilient than we think sometimes–we’re fortunate to have a very sootheable kid (knock on wood!), but parents should not feel bad if their kids may need a little bit of a cry now and then.
hi
could i copy and paste your article to my blog. am against controlled crying and would like to refer to your article. will provide link to ur blog of course
@francesca
Thanks for your interest! I would prefer that you link to it rather than copying the whole thing. Maybe list the 10 reasons without the full detail and then refer people over here?
Here are the 10 reasons in short form:
1. CIO can cause harmful changes to babies’ brains
2. CIO can result in decreased intellectual, emotional and social development
3. CIO can result in a detached baby
4. CIO is harmful to the parent-child relationship
5. CIO can make children insecure
6. CIO often doesn’t work at all
7. Even if CIO does “work”, parents often have to do it over and over again
8. CIO is disrespectful of my child’s needs
9. Deep sleep from CIO is often a result of trauma
10. Our world needs more love
I hope you’re ok with the fact i took this top ten, and linked to the post with my own commentary?
http://mzvanessa.blogspot.com/2011/07/cry-it-out-cio-10-reasons-why-it-is-not.html
1. My reasons for not CIO: I wouldn’t like it if i called out for someone and they didn’t come, in fact i would likely stop calling out for them eventually (just like babies eventually just stop crying) why would i do something to my child that i wouldn’t want done to me?
2. Responding to a child means they’ll feel secure. Them feeling secure means they are more likely to become secure adults. We need more secure adults in society.
I’ve already posted a long comment on the other post, at http://phdinparenting.com/2008/08/11/cry-it-out-cio-is-it-harmful-or-helpful/#comment-996, explaining some of my objections to this post. (Thanks for replying, Annie; I’ll try and respond to that as soon as I can. Which should be, um, about three months at the rate I normally find time to write things…) However, I know not everyone will read that post, so I do want to say this here as well:
*None* of the studies cited or referred to in this post is into effects of controlled crying or sleep training. The three studies that have been done into psychological effects of sleep training showed either no effect or beneficial effects. Despite what Annie says, the available scientific evidence does not support any of the claims she’s making here about supposed harms of sleep training.
There is certainly evidence that children who experience *long-term* neglect or unresponsiveness on the part of their parents are likely to suffer harm as a result, but that doesn’t mean we can assume that sleep training has the same effect. I’ve often likened it to research into nutrition – we know that children who *regularly* get too little to eat suffer long-term ill effects and that the result can even be fatal. But that does *not* mean that a child is going to suffer the same kind of ill effects if you’re sometimes half an hour late with his dinner or tell him he can’t have a biscuit every time he wants one; and it wouldn’t be good science to claim that that was the case.
Of course, lots of people prefer to err on the side of caution and try to avoid ever leaving their baby alone crying for any reason anyway. If that’s how you feel, then good for you! I’ve also aimed to use gentle methods with getting my children to sleep where they worked (in some cases they didn’t, but that’s another story), for the simple and obvious reason that it’s more pleasant for all concerned. But it is not true to say there’s scientific evidence that the Ferber method is harmful. By all means believe that it *might* be harmful, but it isn’t accurate to claim that the research supports this; and I don’t think it’s responsible to mislead parents in the way that this article does.
Annie, one last thing here. In Comment 21 above, you state that you’re glad to be an attached parent ‘instead’ of a mainstream parent. Did you really mean that the way it sounded? Because it sounds to me as though you’re trying to claim that ‘mainstream’ parents (what a vague term!) aren’t attached to their children. Attachment has nothing to do with how mainstream you are. I find your comment quite offensive to the millions of wonderful, caring, responsive parents out there who are just as likely to have strong attachments to their children as you are despite not making the same choices as you about every detail of their lives and parenting practices.
@ Sarah V
Thanks for your comment. Most of what you raise above, I addressed in my follow-up post and yours and other comments on that post: http://phdinparenting.com/2008/08/11/cry-it-out-cio-is-it-harmful-or-helpful/
With regards to your last question on attachment parenting versus mainstream parenting, I decided to address that in today’s new post: http://phdinparenting.com/2008/11/16/what-is-attachment-parenting/
Thanks for the article and the list of reference material. Not that I was considering CIO with my son, but I am going to send this to anyone who tries to pressure me to do so.
If someone wants to do this with their own kid, okay…I mean, go for it, but don’t push it on me. K? K.
You might be interested in my recent work evaluating the research literature that underpins CIO. In short, I found that most of the research on CIO has not been conducted on infants, but on toddlers and preschoolers and virtually no research has been conducted on infants under 6 months. Further, the majority of the research only looked at whether or not the intervention “worked” (ie. did the child stop waking and crying). Only 3 studies with some infants looked at their behavior after the intervention. These three used a scale that is outdated and had never been thoroughly validated. I’ve put this summary, as well as a copy of the poster I presented at conferences on my website.
@Macall – thank you for your comment and for providing another wonderful resource for my readers on this topic: http://www.infantsleep.org/
Oh, I agree. I agree. I was just thinking today that I don’t think Ivy has even cried a total of 10 straight minutes since she was born. I feel this is how she communicates with me. I know her so well I can anticipate her needs before she needs to cry. I could go on and on-
Steph
As a pediatrician who was frustrated by how many parents failed to find help using CIO, I did extensive research and even have published an ebook about this important subject (When “Crying it Out” Doesn’t Work, by Mary Kathleen Fay, M.D.) I think the fundamental problem is that for CIO to work, the child must be completely healthy and sleeping normally once they fall asleep. Few doctors consider the fact that sleepless children may be suffering from insomnia as the presenting sign of a sleep disorder. Once I took information from the adult medical literature and started to apply this to my patients, I found that in virtually every case where CIO failed to work within the first day or two, the child was suffering from an undiagnosed sleep disorder, usually caused by a mild breathing problem. The symptoms I learned to look for to make the diagnosis were restless sleeping, mouth breathing during the day or during sleep, drooling during sleep and excessive daytime drooling ( a product of mouth breathing), and daytime problematic behaviors like ADD, school problems, and difficulty with discipline. These children don’t respond to CIO because they are sick and unable to sleep normally. Most pediatricians were not taught to link these symptoms to sleep disorders until quite recently, and many more in practice were never taught anything about sleep disorders, so the diagnosis is frequently missed. Instead, pediatricians lump all sleep problems together as “behavioral” and blame the parents what is rarely their fault. A t this point, most pediatricians are aware that snoring is abnormal in children and dictates getting a sleep study in a poor sleeper, but many children with sleep disorders don’t snore, just as my child never did.
If you would like to know more about this widespread problem, please check out my ebook which can be bought on payloadz.
Good luck to all of you struggling to get help. Don’t blame yourself when CIO doesn’t work. It is most likely because it is the wrong treatment, and continuing to use it will delay appropriate diagnosis and harm your child.
I raised 6 children in the 50′s 60′s and ten years later in the 70′s. I used the CIO method and my children are all healthy, happy, well adjusted children. When I was raising my children we had a routine. When it was nap time we were home so the children could have an uninterrupted nap. When it was bed time we were home so they could go to bed at the proper hour. In this day and age, I see mothers and their children out at all times of the day and night when I think the children should be home in bed. No wonder the children are confused about bed time!! I think children do much better when they are on a schedule and know what to expect. Maybe we wouldn’t have the sleep disorders we seem to have.
When I used the CIO method, it did not take very long for the babies to figure out that it was time for sleep.
Jean
Even reading about the CIO method makes me upset — I couldn’t imagine putting it into practice with my own daughter.
Glad I stumbled upon this. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in this world that says “let them cry!” I haven’t done it, and I won’t do it. As my sister with a teenager reminded me, she did not have him cry it out as a baby, and she doesn’t have a teenager who can’t sleep! These precious months with my little girl are too valuable for me to fret over waking up now and again in the night to comfort her!
Thanks for your blog.
thank you for this post. i’m having a dispute about AP w/DH and his views on CIO and I just needed to be reminded of why I do what I do. My DH is all about the clinical. If our doctor or a ‘known’ doctor says something, it must be. I’m two steps from throwing a Dr. Sears book at him.
Thanks again.
This is the best concise article I have seen on this. This is one of those posts you want to print and keep a copy of on your fridge for the times your dh disagrees with your methods or a friend calls to tell you she’s thinking about cio.
In reality….I don’t believe there is one right answer. We are all different and our babies are all different. What works for you and your child, might be completely wrong for me and my child and vice versa. But I would like to share anyway…..
My wife and I have a little girl who just turned 4 months. We’ve been talking about AP vs CIO recently because our daughter wakes up 4-6 times per night. We both work (different shifts) and it is super hard for us to get up every hour to console her.
We are inclined to give the CIO method a shot because our daughter is very happy during the day and we both have a very loving and engaging relationship with her. She just struggles to sleep at night. When we go in there to console her, it doesn’t take too long to get her back to sleep. But we’ve been doing that now for a few weeks and I am 100% convinced that she has learned that she can cry and we will respond. This does not seem to help in developing her independence and ability to console herself in anyway.
As I was thinking about what we should do, I started talking to several friends of ours who have infants. I wanted to hear about their thoughts and, more specifically, how their own parents handled this when they were babies themselves.
After talking to about 10 people, one thing was clear: the people I perceive to be more self-centered, lower self-esteem and not very independent were the people who told me that their parents co-slept them and/or were big proponents of the AP method.
So, for us, we are choosing to try the CIO method for a couple reasons. First, because I believe that if you have a great loving relationship and respond appropriately to your childs needs during the day…..it won’t have a traumatic effect when you don’t respond the same way at night. I’m sure some may think it will confuse them, but don’t insult their intelligence. Second, I think that she needs to develop a strong sense of independence and figure out how to console herself and get herself back to sleep. She will have to learn this eventually. I’d rather work on it now than when she is 4 and her ability to be defiant is even more finely tuned.
I’ll end the same way I started…..there is no absolute method that works universally. I can tell you that my parents let me CIO and I am an independent, well-rounded, mature, intelligent and confident adult. That being said, I cannot personally be an opponent of the CIO method. It worked for me. If it doesn’t work for my daughter, then we’ll adjust until we find what works best for our family and the wholesome development of our baby girl.
Great information here, though. I appreciate the discussion.
@EMD
Thanks for your comment.
I don’t see it as AP vs CIO. Sure, most people that do AP do not do CIO, but being AP is a lot more than just not doing CIO. AP is an overall approach to your relationship with your child. I wrote about it here: http://www.phdinparenting.com/2008/11/16/what-is-attachment-parenting/
If you are looking for evidence beyond your 10 friends, you might want to check out this meta review of research on attachment: http://www.epjournal.net/filestore/ep05102183.pdf
I also quote some research (from that study and others) on the effects of co-sleeping in my post on the benefits of co-sleeping: http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/01/09/cosleeping-benefits/
You can certainly make whatever decision you think is right for your family, but I think it is worth going beyond the personalities of 10 friends when assessing the benefits or drawbacks of an approach.
@EMD
Just one final thought with regards to your comment that you would rather do this now (at 4 months) than wait until she is 4 and her ability to be defiant is even more finely tuned. That is one way of looking at it. The other way of looking at it would be to say that now she doesn’t have the language abilities or intelligence to understand when you tell her why you aren’t coming back at night. When she is 4, she may not be happy if you say that you are not going to console her at night, but at that age you can expect her to understand what you are saying.
I have a very active infant who used to wake up like 8-10 times on average at night. for the first 6 months, i tried the no cry sleep solution methods but he was still not sleeping through the night. After much sleep deprivation and advice from books and my sister who implemented CIO on her son with success, I decided to let my lttiel one CIO. For the first 2-3 wks , it worked well and my baby did sleep through the night and naps were longer and more quality. However I noticed that after he reached his milestone of crawling and sitting up , not to mention teething, everything changed. He no longer slept through the night. I was told that I had to ” retrain” again, which I did for 2-3 weeks. It was really tough and a sheer TORTURE hearing him cry and i realised that he seemed to know what was coming when I put him down to bed after nursing. His cries will get louder and sometimes violent. He would twist and turn his little body in bed and at one time, he got himself caught under the crib bumper,almost suffocating himself. My husband and I were really alarmed by this and distressed and I feel totally GUILTY for putting my little one through this as he ends up sobbing terribly and unconsolable.
My conclusion is that CIO doesnt work necesarily for all babies. It didnt work for mine and I have put aside all my sleep training books. I am just going to LISTEN to my baby and RESPOND to his needs. NO MORE crying. He now sleeps with us and he sleeps through and at times gets up for a quick night nursing. He is going on to 8 months and he wakes up in the morning fresh and smiling at us.
Okay, i agree with comforting my baby to sleep, i cant have the heart to see her or hear her cry, i had seperation anxity when i was yonger and that caused me panic attacks when i got a little older, my mum didn’t use the cio method with me but i cant imagin how much worse it would have been if she did..any ways, i find myself torn because my daughter is 4months old friday and she HATES the carseat with a passion, i’ve tried toys, pacifier,bottle, i mean everything and she just ins’t happy till i take her out, hold her till she falls asleep andthan i can put her back in, she will otherwise scream and cry till she is caughing and bright red and shaking, i cannot see her that way, however a peditrican told me its a temper tantrum and if i continue to pull off and get her out it will only make it worse not to mention an inconvinece so im trying to find someone who can give me some sort of advice, i dont want to do the cio method but i cant pull over every 5 min. and its half temping to let her cio a couple times just to get over it and be able to go places!..pls help i really dont want to use this im hoping that someone can shed some light that will work for me!! thanks!
I know this is an older comment, but I just had to say that the dr is an idiot. Babies do not have the emotional or cognitive abilities to have a temper tantrum.
If anyone else with a car seat screamer reads this, some babies become much happier if you use a convertible car seat instead of the baby bucket. Some are actually experiencing car sickness & nothing will make it better & some will just eventually adjust to the car seat.
I have a 4 months old car seat screamer too. I never thought he was having “temper tantrums” (at 4 months???), but I must say it’s a major inconvenience. Unfortunately his bucket seat goes up to 35 pounds and 80 cm and it will be a struggle with his father to replace it before he’s outgrown it… I do think he has motion sickness. He spits up and drools like crazy whenever he’s in the car.
Thank you! I am a new mom, and an older mom, and CIO seems so counter intuitive. The thought of trying it makes my stomach hurt. Thank you for backing up that feeling with evidence.
Thanks for posting this and all of the articles. It’s so important to take care of a babies needs. The more people that realize this and post articles such as this the better off society as a whole will be.
Very interesting post Annie. I wonder if there has been any research done on babies that “CIO” while being “soothed” to sleep. My youngest would scream and cry while being put to sleep. I tried everything I could think of, and yet she persisted. What is the prevailing wisdom about this? FWIW, my oldest was the worst sleeper and my second was amazingly easy.
Ashley, I don’t know if you ever found a solution (or if you’ll even see this), but I have to say, I completely disagree with the pediatrician. Obviously something is bothering her about the car seat. It might just be that she can’t see you & is moving backwards, or it might be uncomfortable for her. Things that have worked for other parents: getting rid of the baby bucket & getting a rear-facing convertible seat; putting the seat slightly more upright (for older babies whose heads don’t slump forward & no more than 30 degrees), putting the radio station to static & having it the same volume as the crying, singing, trying different kinds of music, sitting in the back with the baby (obviously only works if someone else can drive
), having toys that are just for the car, only going somewhere when baby is sleepy…I’m sure there’s others, those are the most common
Thank you for this. My child is 7 months old, we co-sleep and he is a very happy baby. He sleeps wonderfully, most nights, from 9p-7a. Naps are where my difficulty has been, he would sleep next to me on the boppy on the couch where I sat next to him. I never left him alone during these times. Now, he is beginning to be disturbed with his naps mostly due to his teena ged brothers being, well, teenagers. So, i thought how am I going to get him to sleep in the crib or playyard so that He can be in a quieter spot in the house and be safe so I can use the time he sleeps to clean or sew.. or something. I was going to try CIO, because I had used it with my 16 yo son many years ago, and he is a well adjusted, emotionally healthy smart kid.. but then I realized.. his CIO wasn’t really crying, more restlessness settling into sleep as I patted his butt. So.. this child does not respond to butt patting, and sleeps on his back. Back in the day no one recommended back sleeping so my teens as babies slept on their tummies. After reading this article, I decided to try other methods.
Then what do you suggest to get my child and myself any sleep at night?????
Did you read the other post that I linked to? Gentle Baby and Toddler Sleep Tips.
I also have some book recommendations in My Parenting Library.
A quick follow-up to my post on May 1. Our daughter is now just past 8 months and sleeps through the night just fine. She first slept through the night at about 5 weeks but that only latest for about a month and then it was pretty rough for about two solid months. Hence the interest in this post and the comments made on May 1. We ended up with somewhat of a hybrid approach, I guess. She always went down just fine, but would wake up around 11 and the again around 3. We let her cry for about 20 minutes and then would go in and pat her on the back or play with her hair. We never picked her up because we didn’t want to teach the habit of crying = get picked up. This worked well for us and she eventually (after about two weeks) did not wake up any more. She has been sleeping from 9pm-7am for almost 3 months now. She has a bottle at 7am and then goes right back to sleep for another hour or so. Our method would not work for some and other people’s methods certainly did not work for us.
In my opinion, this is proof-positive that……again….there is no absolute method. Each child is eternally different. I personally slept through the night from 3 months on. According to my mom, my older brother didn’t start sleeping through the night until nearly 18 months! Crazy.
My advice to new parents is to try what seems like the best approach, but be willing to adjust your thinking and try other methods. Don’t give up!!! You’ll eventually find the solution that is right for you and your baby. Science, technology and research can most definitely support one practice over another and we should trust them (with an open mind), but when it comes to how you raise your kids…..they can’t guarantee what will work for your baby.
Excellent discussion here and certainly a topic that will perplex every new parent for as long as we’re all around on this earth.
Meghan,
I didn’t read all the replies after yours, so maybe someone already said this. Have you looked into the possiblity of your baby having allergies? Dairy and wheat especially are HUGE triggers for fussiness, and can be passed through the breastmilk. I personally know several people and have heard of many more who have eliminated dairy or wheat from their diets and seen great results in their baby’s moods and sleep.
Craniosacral therapy is another route to try. This is usually performed by a chriopractor. It helped my nephew a lot.
Personally, I’m tired of people framing this debate within the context of efficacy.
It’d be terribly effective if we tied our kids up and put them in a closet, too. Boy, think of all the cleaning we’d get done!
And if we fed them junk food, they’d finish dinner in a flash!
I also wish people would stop thinking about how to solve a ‘sleeping problem’ and start thinking about what else might be bothering their infant. If they nurse, have they tried eliminating dairy from their diet? If they formula feed, have they tried giving human milk to their infant? Temperature changes? Moving bedtimes? (That’s another peeve…I’m so tired of hearing how babies get dumped in their crib at 6PM…are ya kidding me? And then you complain when they wake up at 4am?)
Interesting reading all of this. My oldest is 4 and a half, so it’s really interesting to read this thinking of him in hindsight. He never slept through the night until he was 2, and has JUST NOW stopped screaming for me when he wakes up at 5:30 am…and has been a horrible sleeper his whole life. Anyway, I responded to him every time he cried during the night when he was an infant. (Which was about every 2 hours.) By the time he was 6 months old, I was depressed, I hated being a parent, and I hadn’t slept at all. We lived 4 hours from either set of parents in a new town and my husband was in residency and was completely unable to help; it all fell on my shoulders. I can say that the negativity and resentment that grew within me toward him made it impossible for me to be a good parent.
Here’s what we tried: We tried CIO, we tried AP, we tried Weissbluth, we even tried that crazy guy who says you should feed your kid every 3 hours only? What’s his name? Anyway, every thing you can possibly imagine. He already had about 8 hours outside every day, was extremely active and had an amazing diet of breastmilk.
Things like that just didn’t make any difference or were rather unchangeable.
What did we have to do, and what do I think some folks need to try? Make peace with the fact that he’s a crappy sleeper (just like I am…heh…) and get counseling and on Celexa!!
No really, Celexa made a big difference for me; I was able to see through the fog and see my son for the first time in a long time. Counseling helped give me a little bit of perspective; life isn’t going to be just like this forever. It’s just not.
When he turns 16, he’ll be sleeping so much that I won’t be able to wake him…until then, I’ve just had to DECIDE that I’m going to enjoy my wee-hours-of-the-morning discussions with him about dinosaurs and rocks…It’s hard, but you know what? I don’t EVER get this time back. Seriously. Being tired isn’t the end of the world…but regretting resenting your kid and not spending time with your kid when you have the chance sure sucks.
It’s just such a tough debate, because it’s about our beloved children, and (hopefully) everyone does what they think is the best thing to do. It’s also tough because every child and every family situation is different, so it’s hard to say that what work for you should work for someone else.
We’ve been non-CIO with our 9 month old, and it’s been tough, but it’s also seemed like the right thing in our case, with our child. However, I would feel really irritated if we were practicing CIO, and I read about all the harm it was causing my child — no one wants to be painted as being a bad parent! And so, it will continue to be a challenging debate. I personally find it helpful to hear stories of how other parents dealt with their babies.
@Rob: We dealt with our babies by treating them with the same respect, empathy and caring that we would want to be treated with. In terms of what we did to create an environment conducive to sleep, you can check out my Gentle Sleep Tips: http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/02/28/gentle-baby-and-toddler-sleep-tips/
The only thing I would add to this is, to number one… I find that mothers I speak to think that I am saying ALL crying is harmful to babies and don’t seem to understand that its unattended-to crying that is harmful. When you are working hard to try and comfort your baby when they are crying, even if it isn’t working, doesn’t cause those same changes that unattended-to crying causes.
@Heidi: Yes. That is an important point. I wrote about that in my post called I’ll hold you while you cry.
Thank you for a well-written, well-researched post. Here’s my reason… if every bone in your body is telling you to go pick up your child, you should listen!
That was always exactly my reason for not letting my child cry unattended, it feels so awful to do it. Times when I could not hold them (like when we were driving and they had to be in their car-seats) it killed me to not be able to hold them. I remember times when we would be almost home and I would have to say to my husband ‘please don’t talk to me for a minute’ and then just close my eyes and plug my ears, because the baby (or babies, I also have twins) was/were crying in the back seat and it was so hard to hear, it just went against everything my mommy instincts were saying. If my body responds to the crying with such anguish and stress when I can’t pick them up, then it is obviously natural for me to pick them up every time they cry like that when I can. I could never figure out why would someone go against all their instincts because some expert says it is OK, if it feels wrong it probably is. Not like my kids never had a time where they cried a bit before I could get to them, but if you are tune with your baby then you know when it is a cry that needs immediate attention and when it can wait for a minute, and when you are in tune with your baby it seems like they don’t cry as much.
Great post. With our first we attempted to CIO based on the peds rec. We realized quickly that it went against BOTH our parenting instincts CIO. After reading more about child dev our instincts were validated.
Your post was just what I needed. I was never able to let my daughter CIO. Now, I feel some sort of pressure to let my son CIO so he can learn to fit into the nap schedule at his new childcare. It just doesn’t feel right and I feel so reassured that I am doing the right thing.
All the developmental things you noted made me think of something else – so many people remarked about my daughter being so attached or “too attached” to me. However, as she has grown, she becomes more confident every day. She started preschool last week with no tears, no fears. She knew I was coming back for her at the end of the day. “What’s the big deal?” she seemed to be saying. She is still shy but she is not clingy. At 4 she still doesn’t go to sleep on her own, but she at least starts the night in her own bed. Every day she learns new things and becomes more independent and I don’t worry at all about snuggling with her at night.
Thanks so much for this post! I’ve posted this to my facebook profile and shared with an online discussion group and what people keep challenging is “definitions”…they want to know if you’re talking about controlled crying, full CIO and what ages we’re talking about. For me personally, I just don’t agree with CIO at any age for my children. Many also conflate CIO with letting a child cry in your arms. I understand that crying isn’t the issue so much as the parental response….
Many also feel judged for having done CIO or feel that they’ve been unfairly accused of permanently damaging their children. How would you respond to that?
@Lizette:
I will not leave my children to cry to sleep alone period. Not for five minutes. Not for an hour. Not at 6 weeks. Not at 6 years.
You can read more of my posts on Cry It Out to get a more comprehensive sense of my thoughts on the issue. I agree that it is not the same as holding a crying child in your arms, as I explain in I’ll Hold You While You Cry.
With regards to people who judged or feel they have been unfairly accused of permanently damaging their children, I would say that parents are human. No parent is perfect. Anyone who thinks they are a perfect parent is delusional. We happen to believe strongly in avoiding CIO. But there are other areas where I am far from perfect. So maybe someone else has damaged their child or damaged their relationship with their child by using CIO and maybe I have done so in other ways. Also, as I explained in Cry it out: Is it harmful or helpful? we do not know which children will come through CIO unscathed and which ones won’t. Just like we don’t know which people will be able to brush off things like bullying, spanking, etc. and which ones will be damaged by it. So I’m erring on the side of caution and avoiding CIO because I can. I can choose to continue parenting my children to sleep.
Do I judge people who do CIO? I try not to. We all do things that are not ideal because we are human. But I do judge the attitude that it is a better way to parent.
Reading this, 9 years after my son was an infant confirms why I am glad I went with my instincts. My son is secure, comfy with his emotions, outgoing ands comes to me with every issue. I hope he continues this into adulthood.
I hate when parents write articles that put other parents down. Parenting is hard enough without being told that I am “disrespecting my child’s needs”. That’s pretty strong wording if you ask me! “Research” has been done on both sides of the issue, and on both sides, evidence was found to support that theory. The problem with your article is that it’s close-minded and it assumes that there are absolutes. Any parent could tell you that there are NO absolutes, every child is different and responds to their environment differently. Data is data; but judgment is something else all together.
To answer each of your points:
1. I believe there is a need to recognize the different cries a baby makes. Though I’m all for the CIO method, if I hear a cry that I know my child won’t recover from (meaning, he won’t fall back to sleep) I will comfort him. If he looks like he’ll go back to sleep, I’ll put him back down. If he doesn’t look like he’ll go back to sleep, I’ll get him up. I think there is a difference in letting your child cry and cry and cry, and letting your child cry to the point of becoming able to put himself to sleep. I cannot tell you how many moms have begged for the “trick” behind getting my son to sleep so easily. After juts a few times of CIO, I can now take him upstairs, hold him and sing all I want, put him down and walk out without worrying about whether or not he’ll go to sleep. I know he will. He’ll do it himself, without me having to rock him for hours and sneak out by army crawling on the floor (my parents had to do that with me!…HOW ABSURD!)
2. There are many cues that I attend to every day. Both of my children (daughter 22 months, son 5 months) exhibit various cues other than crying. I readily attend to those without question. My daughter, another CIO child, had NO delay in motor abilities, NO problems with attachment, and NO issues controlling her emotions.
3. My daughter is anything but detached! I’m amused at this “finding” since she is the most “there” child around and has always been extremely responsive and empathetic!!
4. The thought that a child would not turn to their parent in a time of need simply because they cried a little when they were an infant is very interesting! In my case, my toddler daughter turns to me in any time of need…when she needs someone to hold her hand up the stairs, brush her hair, kiss a booboo, swing her in the air, lift her into the car, protect her from a loud noise, sing to her through a stormy afternoon, etc.
5. My daughter is extremely secure. She’s well-adjusted and well-liked by her friends and teachers at church and her Mom’s Morning Out program! To say that she would be anything else simply because I didn’t run upstairs every time she cried is truly amazing to me. It’s as if your “research” wants to ignore all of the other ways I meet her needs throughout the day. Do those things mean nothing?
6. I loved your scare tactic in this one. Any parent SHOULD know NOT to let their child cry for hours!!!! Anyone who has read a book on CIO (“Babywise”, for example) should remember that there is no reason why a baby should cry that long. I am actually with you on this one.
7. I’ve never had to start the process over again.
8. Again, I meet my childrens’ needs day in and day out, 365 days a year. It is laughable that you accuse CIO parents of not doing so. I put my chidrens’ needs above my own every second of the day. I go without lunch sometimes I’m so immersed in playing with them, taking them on walks, reading to them, visiting family with them, etc. Simply because I have chosen to let them learn to fall asleep without my help does no negate any of that.
9. Another scare tactic.
10. I have many friends who used the CIO method years ago. Their children are not depressed, they’re quite independent, loving, and intelligent. I agree that we need to be there for our children, but we also need to know when to let go and realize that EVERY LITTLE THING we do as parents doesn’t have to have monumentally detrimental consequences. Some children may not respond to the CIO method positively – so don’t do it with them!
To conclude, I appreciate your point of view. The article was very interesting to read. I have heard it before. However, I don’t think I’ve heard such judgment from the others. I laughed when I read your respone to someone’s post, saying that you try not to judge CIO parents. However, I think that if you could take off your PhD hat for a minute and read this article as an objective parent, you would be surprised by the harsh wording and damning accusations that we are in some way ruining our children.
@Holly: If you are confident in your choices, then you don’t need my position or my approval. These are MY reasons for not doing CIO. If you don’t think it is disrespectful and don’t believe the other things written here, then by all means go ahead and parent the way you want to. Other parents make different choices and that is their prerogative. These are *my* reasons for *my* choices.
What I don’t understand in your response to my article, and in many of the other responses I’ve heard over the years, is why people see responding to nighttime needs as different from responding to daytime needs. Why is it important and formidable to do all the things you do during the day, but then not important to do the same at bedtime or at night? To me it sounds like saying, I never cheat on my husband except on business trips. Or I never hit my wife except on Sundays. Personally, I don’t think I’ve ever gone without lunch in order to meet my child’s needs. I can make lunch even while nursing a sick baby in a sling, so that hasn’t been a problem. But even if that wasn’t the case, I would rather have my child crying for a few minutes, where she can see me and be comforted by me, while I make my lunch than to leave her screaming and crying in a room by herself at night.
Lastly, this post points out what I think the consequences of CIO *can* be. It doesn’t mean that they will occur in all children all of the time. However, there is a risk of it, so I avoid it. While it is great that your kids and other kids turned out okay, that argument doesn’t hold water with me. My mom played beer baseball while she was pregnant with me and I turned out fine, but I wouldn’t get drunk while pregnant. Lots of people rode around in cars without car seats and without seat belts and they turned out fine, but I wouldn’t do that either.
In terms of harsh words and damning accusations, if that is how you read it, I’m sorry. It is something I feel strongly about and I can’t water it down without feeling that I am compromising my beliefs.
Thank you Holly for saying exactly what I was feeling while reading this article. I am a CIO parent and I was a CIO child. As a child I tested out in the 99th percentile for my age group every year. I talked at 8 months and by 10 months was using sentences. With my child it took 1 night of CIO for a while, I checked on him, and I have a video monitor I could look at….yes it broke my heart….but now I put him to bed and most nights he doesn’t cry at all and is asleep after 5 minutes…some nights he will cry for 5 minutes and then be asleep by 10 minutes.
I am with you Holly,
I have used the cry method with 2 out of 3 of my boys, though they are very different personalities the cry method has never hurt them. I am very sad to hear other moms putting down another way of parenting. I am not saying that anyone is wrong in doing things differently, this is just what worked for us. They are feed, changed, cuddled before I put them down and are now really good sleepers. My oldest on the other hand I held, rocked coddled to sleep EVERY night and when I couldnt transfer him into his bed he slept with us. This was having an impact on everyone in the house, my husbands and my relationship, my sleep amount and his sleep amount. We were all sleep deprived and cranky. It took almost 4 years to break this habit that had been formed. So there are negatives to each point of view. Now all my boys get a good nights rest and so do my husband and I and we can be more productive happy parents in the morning.
I am not saying what so ever that it is ok to let your baby/child be left uncontrollably crying to the point of vomiting or shaking and any human being should know that. When all the needs are met before putting a baby down to sleep and I am there to meet the HAPPY little one when they wake up there is no from of neglect in my mind. I have never let my kids cry for more the 5 mins when they either fall asleep on their own (with out any crying on most occasions). They are always comforted and put back to bed. It makes for a happier household.
There are many “RIGHT” ways to raise a child, every mother is different and every baby is different. There are lots of different books and opinions out there, you cant get everything you need to know out of 1 book. “It takes a village to raise a child”. You know your baby and its cries better then any one, take the advice you need and leave the rest behind. I do not believe I am in any way a neglectful mom and do not appreciate anyone else thinking or saying so, I live for my children and will do anything for them, you can ask any one I know. I am not raising a serial killer because I let them cry sometimes. My boys are very independent, happy, polite little boys, though they are not perfect they are not horrible either. There, I think I said my piece!
I would never assume to need your approval.
I’m pretty sure I never mentioned NOT meeting the needs of my children at night. On the contrary, I stated that if my child was crying in a way that meant he would not be able to CIO, I would certainly do what I could to comfort him for as long as he needed.
Your comments were not of what the consequences CAN be, they are absolutes stating that these are the consequences that WILL be…#4 – CIO IS harmful to the parent-child relationship – #8 CIO IS disrespectful of my child’s needs.
I understand that you’re doing what you can to win people to your side of the argument. However, even the most fiery of debates can be done with eloquence and mildness. “A harsh word stirs up anger, but a gentle word turns away wrath.”
@Holly: You didn’t specifically mention that you don’t meet their needs at night, but you went on at length explaining how you do meet their needs during the day and that you respond to cues other than crying. That may be true. But IMO, ignoring crying at bedtime/at night, is ignoring some of their cues. Maybe not all, but some. You are defining that it is important to respond to some cues in some scenarios, but not other cues in other scenarios. For you it may have been “a few times of CIO” and for others it is a lot more.
Amazing info! I’m only just now finding this now, over a year since it was originally posted. Thank you for taking on the bold endeavor of combating the over-use of the CIO method. So many moms out there could benefit from reading this post. I’ve shared it on my baby blog, Kid Happens. Thanks so much!
I once tried CIO because I was so exhausted of rocking and nursisng and rocking… It didn’t work at all. My baby cried for one hour and half, and if I didn’t pick her up to calm her down, she would cry for several hours. I found it so cruel. I thought I was being a terrible mother.
I still haven’t found a solution for making my baby sleep for more than two hours straight, but CIO is not for us.
I think the problem is believing that all babies will behave the same way, as if they didn’t have their own personalities. We should try to do what’s best for our own little ones.
You’re so right that all babies are different and if yours would cry for hours an hours, then NO, I don’t think anyone would suggest you let her CIO. My kids learned to CIO for a matter of minutes and then would fall asleep, waking with a happy disposition and well-rested. In my case, it worked, but they did not cry for hours and hours. You’re doing what’s best for your baby!
If your kids fell asleep in a manner of minutes then you are not a part of CIO at all. You are not what the whole conversation is about and you are not part of the cruel parents who are cold hearted enough to let their babies cry for an hour and a half. Don’t be supportive of CIO if your kids fall asleep in minutes… you end up giving support to parents to let their kids CIO for hours.
Babywise is a horrible book which has been discredited by pediatricians. Google it.
And CIO feels mean. That’s what my ped said but I didn’t need him to tell me. The idea made me sick. That was my personal feeling and my personal choice. I’m not judging anyone so why do people who do CIO get defensive?
We get defensive because people call it offensive, disrespectful, and mean. However, it worked for me and my kids, so why would someone want to diminish that? The only thing more disrespectful than CIO is when people use such strong words to put down a method that worked for me and others I know. We aren’t looking to bash the way the non-CIO parents operate! Whatever works for your child is what you should do!
And yet, people bash the non-CIO parents all the time. We hear it from ignorant pediatricians, our parents, in-laws, and society telling us, “they’ll be too dependent” and other such bologna. Seriously, it is important that people who choose to parent with respect and baby’s attachment needs in mind have some support. It can be hard to find. They need to hear, that yes, there is a *reason* it feels wrong to CIO. It is okay to feel this way; we aren’t “weak” or “letting the baby walk all over us”. We evolved to feel this way for a reason. In a society where people are reported to Child Services for sleeping with their children or nursing them past age 2, it seems laughable to say that no one bashes non-CIO parents.
Once again… your kids fell asleep in minutes… not what the typical CIO scenario is. Since you quoted the Bible… here’s one. “Even if my father and mother abandon me,
the Lord will hold me close.” Ps 27:10 CIO method lets you abandon your baby… for an hour and half at a time.
My son is 8 months old and he still usually wakes up once a night to eat. BUT, since we have always tended to him right away and never left him alone in his crib to cry himself to sleep…all we have to do is feed him and he just goes right back down! Even during the day if we put him up there for naps he LOVES going in his crib, probably because he knows he’s not being abandoned.
I am always appalled when I hear of parents doing this. I even hear of people doing it with 2 week old newborns!
If your baby is getting up at night to eat, I don’t think anyone would expect you to let him CIO! He’s still needing a late night feeding. I think if he just wanted to get up to have some play time that would be different. We have to remember that having well-rested parents to be emotionally and physically stable is also an important component of caring parenting!
@Holly: In a number of your comments here you have said “if…..I don’t think anyone would expect you to CIO”. Unfortunately, that is wrong. Maybe you wouldn’t expect that person to do CIO, but there are plenty of books, doctors, friends, family members, etc. that do suggest CIO in all sorts of scenarios.
With regards to getting up to eat versus getting up for play time:
(a) A lot of the CIO methods out there are designed specifically as a way to get rid of nighttime feeds. They aren’t only for parents whose babies want to play at night.
(b) I think that parents that want to get rid of nighttime feeds (with a toddler, not a baby) or that want to discourage nighttime play time can do it by being firm about it being time to sleep, without that necessarily meaning leaving their baby alone to cry to sleep. My kids aren’t always happy that it is bedtime, but I don’t leave them to cry by themselves. I parent them to sleep.
(c) I have a post where I responded to a parent whose toddler wanted to get up to play and go outside at night suggesting methods other than CIO: http://www.phdinparenting.com/2008/12/19/night-owls/
I love that this post sheds light on the minority of voices out there whose instincts are telling them that CIO isn’t the way. I know there’s plenty of research to support the claims of either side, but how many people read both sides of the issue? I’ve read the pro CIO information and it only served to further my disdain for the method. The right answer for our family has been one where decisions are made out of balanced research, love, instinct and intuition.
It’s doubtful letting your baby cry is the sole cause of all human insecurities, but it certainly can’t help. To me, it seems obvious that not tending to your baby’s cries would create issues down the line. It’s not like your child will say one day, “Hey mom. You suck because you let me cry myself to sleep when I was 6 months old.” But in a way, ADHD, aggression, separation anxiety, and insecurity are signs of that exact thing. Babies cry for many important reasons, including ensuring their survival. Unfortunately, in today’s modern society, it’s necessary for both parents work to support the family. Moms whose primary duty was to rear their babies have been replaced by moms who are hustling work outside the home and who thus need sleep. We are facing an time in our history where less emphasis is being placed on our families’ well-being, and more emphasis is being placed on maintaining a standard of living that requires two incomes; a “keeping up with the jones’s” scenario.
It’s worth it to ask yourself who it’s benefiting to get your child to sleep through the night. In many cases it’s for the convenience of working parents. Co-sleeping or tending to your child’s needs isn’t forever. The natural order of human development shows that babies turn into children who do eventually outgrow their parents and seek independence.
I believe that raising children requires a lot more self-sacrifice than many people are aware of or have time for or are willing to do. This is another “me” generation that is more concerned with personal interests than those of the community. Raising happy, well-adjusted children contributes to a thriving social system. Perhaps those who take issue with the intimacy and needs that babies require are most likely people who failed to have their own needs met as infants? Don’t forget that there are two sides to consider: Nature AND Nurture.
This isn’t about finding the one perfect method that will solve all of mankind’s developmental issues, because no such thing exists. This is about listening to your maternal instincts, this is about having the humility to try to live a more loving and compassionate existence, and about finding what’s best for your family based on researched information. Many moms comment about how awful it feels to let their babies cry unattended. Perhaps they should have a little more faith in their intuition. After all, mama knows best.
Amen – Mama does know best. Well put!
I went to a Dr Sears talk last night (yay for Dr Sears!) and he mentioned that there’s no data to confirm that it isn’t harmful to let a child CIO. I’m just surprised that we are so cautious about avoiding things like SIDS, allergenic foods, etc etc with our babies but (as a society) we accept something that is so obviously distressing to the child (and the parents!) because of wanting to make them “independent” or assuming that they’re not sleeping enough….we wouldn’t teach our kids ANYTHING else by making them this upset.
Just wanted to add something that Dr Sears said last night re:CIO. I’m paraphrasing:
“The parents who lose sleep because of their children now are the ones who refuse to do CIO. But it will pay off when they’re teenagers and you have good communication with them. Your CIO friends will then complain of children who won’t talk to them, won’t talk about their feelings, won’t tell them where they’re going. Unfortunately, all the sleep they got when they were doing CIO will be lost as they worry nights away about their teenagers.”
Of course, this isn’t a guarantee. But an interesting thought. My sister was made to CIO and has many issues with expressing her emotions, especially as a teen. I know of other stories (friends) who have made the same observations with themselves or siblings.
I think we are going to have to agree to disagree. I never wrote on this site with the intention of trying to change anyone’s mind, simply to put out there that CIO DOES WORK for some people. I find it amazing that all along, I’ve said it’s up to the mother to know what’s best for her child, yet those who oppose my opinion are so heavy-handed in their response to my views. It would do you all a lot of good to open your minds to the idea that not all kids are the same, not all are going to be damaged goods because of CIO, and not all are going to be saints because you coddled them every time they wimpered. Having said that, I’m finished. I hope you all enjoy your children and watch them grow into wonderfully happy, productive adults! Take care!
I don’t think anyone here argues that CIO doesn’t “work” if working means you make your kid sleep without your help…I think what most anti-CIOers take issue with is, “it works, but at what cost?” You can tell me it “works”, you can say “my kid’s fine”…but really, the jury’s out until they get older..as with other things in parenting (as PHD in Parenting mentioned – who knows what I’ve done wrong now that will sneak up on me in 12 years?). Like I said, there really are no guarantees of anything. But I will go to my child when they wake at night, at 2 1/2 she now STTN, and she did it on her OWN time and at her own comfort level. Sleep is a happy time, her bed is a safe and happy place, and it now takes 10 minutes to get her to sleep (she was previously a once per hour waker.
My parenting hours don’t end at 8pm, tending to my child’s needs and reassuring her and making her feel safe and important is NOT coddling. If she whimpers, I listen…knowing she might just resettle herself into sleep. If she calls for me I come, If she cries for me I’m there. My door is open if she wants to crawl into bed with me, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
She shows me she’s more and more independent every day. When she’s in college I’ll fondly remember curling up together and cherish those moments when only mummy & daddy could make it better. I won’t bemoan a few months/years of interrupted sleep.
I completely agree that anecdotes will get us nowhere, and there is no way to ever *know* what caused what. Certainly there will be CIO kids that turn out super-secure and everything, and some (like my own dd) who were always responded to that still have lots of anxiety issues. My reasoning has always been, if it *feels* wrong, it most likely *is* wrong. I think babies evolved to *expect* night time company and response; otherwise, we never would have survived the hunter/gatherer stage. It think they were *meant* to freak out when left in the dark alone, and we are *meant* to feel a strong drive to respond to them. I completely believe the research that says CIO messes with their brain chemistry (cortisol, etc), but of course this will have different effects on different individuals. It is not a clear causal relationship. But when every bone in my body tells me it’s a wrong, selfish, and disrespectful to do, I have to go with my gut.
I get that not everyone agrees with what I wrote here or my reasoning, but it is completely laughable what some people will take from it. I just read a message board post that claims that I said CIO leads to drug use:
http://community.babycenter.com/post/a15270975/cio_leads_to_drug_use_in_the_future.
Um….no….I said that if you do CIO, it can harm the parent-child relationship, and if they are dealing with a problem like drugs in the future, they might be less likely to go to their parents for help. I didn’t say that CIO leads to drug use.
…and always nice to hear that I am notorious:
“Ha, PhD in parenting is notorious for that shit.”
Thanks for a good laugh this morning.
I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for putting into words things that I could not put my finger on. Thank you for validating the nagging notion at the back of my head that said, “This doesn’t feel right…”
When my first born was almost a year old, my mother came to help me with some house work. I was almost 9 months pregnant with my second child at the time, and I had put my firstborn up to bed for a nap in the afternoon. He was not ready, and being a brand new parent all I knew was there were things I had to get done while I had the help. He started to cry, and I thought, “Okay, I’ll go back in 5 minutes to hold him and then try again…” After 5 minutes, he had started screaming. I started up the stairs, and my mother came flying out of the kitchen with the dishtowel in her hand and said to me, “STOP. You stop right there. No child ever died from crying. This is a power struggle – You go up there to him, and he owns you. You come back down here, and let that child go to sleep, or I’ll have to go.” I remember my breath catching in my throat at the thought of letting my baby continue to cry when I never had before. I listened for the type of cry he was into, the scream cry, and just knew it wasn’t right, but I felt I had no choice. I felt that if my mom left, I would never get the area for the second baby’s birth ready. I knew I wouldn’t get another chance to have help clearing away everything that had been the result of our recent move. I didn’t go up to get my baby. I think it took him about fifteen minutes to finally calm down and settle to sleep, but it was the worst fifteen minutes of my life. Worse still, a new concept was born to my new parent brain. It was “don’t listen to your innermost instincts. Don’t feel the need to be gentle all the time. Do what you must, whatever the cost.” That night, I went to put my one year old to bed at 8pm. Again, he was not ready, and it didn’t even occur to me that the trauma of the cio in the afternoon would still be with him. I laid him down where he began crying immediately, and I left. I stopped my husband from going up the stairs to get him, saying much the same thing that my mother said to me. My baby cried for an hour.
Fast forward 3 months, we started to see developmental problems. He was being overly aggressive with us – squeezing our necks with his hands when we would hug him, biting, head banging and spinning. At 18 months we were told there was a potential problem, and he had some severe development delays. At 22 months my son was diagnosed with Autism. I’m not saying that CIO caused his condition, but what I am saying is that it was the worst possible parenting method for a child who uses totally different think patterns than other children. He was already in a segregated world; He didn’t need us to put him in another one at bedtime. He experienced horrible night terrors, and was beyond consolable at times, even long after we had abandoned the method. Since this 3 month stint of cio we have not attempted it again. I will never ever use or condone the use of this method, and I would MUCH rather be one of those “absurd” parents who army crawls out of their child’s bedroom for the sake of the child’s mental safety. Just because you can not SEE the damage, like you can with a bruise or a bite, does not mean it is not there contributing and exacerbating pre-existing conditions that simply cannot be predicted. It is MY shame that I tried it at all; It is MY shame that I allowed myself to be convinced of its safety; It is MY shame that I may have deepened or worsened my son’s sense of loss and dis-empowerment, making him feel disrespected as a person at such a young tender age.
I think the entire world would benefit from taking a deep breath, taking a step back from defensive positions on controversial topics and just simply asked themselves, “Do babies, BABIES, deserve to be treated with gentleness and respect JUST during the day? Or should that be a mantra for their existence as a total experience? If a baby could talk, and said mama please don’t, would you listen then?”
BE GENTLE. BE KIND. You don’t know how you will grow to regret your decisions, when those are options you are not utilizing. When my father was 6, his brother died of SIDS. They didn’t recognize shaking a crying baby as a danger back then; In 50 years, we now recognize and cringe at the notion of “Shaken Baby Syndrome”. 50 years from now, will there also be pamphlets available about the mental and emotional dangers and damages that result from CIO? Just in case, it’s a practice I for one will never be a part of again.
What are your thoughts on crying in a carseat? I have relatives that I rely on for support (giving me some time for self-care) and in order to keep PPD at bay (had it last time, seeing hints of it this time) we need to get out at least once a day (not to mention getting some social time for my toddler). Thing is, my second DD is only 6 weeks old and many times getting from A to B she will cry in her carseat. I feel awful about this, and if the trip is long (30 – 45 minutes like it is to my Mom’s house) I’ll stop midway, nurse and start up again. This doesn’t always work.
I feel like I’m already making my 6 week old CIO, she can’t possibly understand that Mommy needs to get us here or there safely….
Went through some screaming in the car today and thought of your blog…thoughts?
@Lizette:
The car can be tough when your little one doesn’t like it at all. Long car rides are the reason that we decided to give our kids pacifiers. If it weren’t for the car, I don’t think there would ever have been a need. But I can’t drive and nurse at the same time, so out came the pacifier. But in addition to that, we use a mirror so that the baby can see us, we talk to the baby, put on kids music (Sesame Street, Elmo’s song in particular, worked wonders for both of our kids). While I don’t like crying in the car and do what I can to avoid or minimize it, the big difference for me is that my baby knows that I am right there in the car. But it is tough…
My son hated the carseat too, for his first year especially. And I felt the same way about him in the carseat as I (and phdinparenting) feel about crying it out–that his crying was a signal that he was distressed. Twice he cried so hard he vomited, while I was on the freeway so couldn’t stop, and it still makes me feel awful to think about. So I started avoiding drives unless someone else could do the driving and I could be in the back seat with him. He’s finally to the point where he’s fine in the car. But I feel for your dilemma, Lizette–it’s such a hard thing to be isolated, especially when depression is a factor. When I had to drive with my son I would stop the car multiple times and comfort him, I’d sing the whole time, I’d try to reach one hand back so he could feel my presence. If I were you I’d scour the internet for other suggestions and try everything. Maybe something out there will comfort your daughter in the car, because your sanity is also important (and important for your daughter’s health and happiness). Good luck.
So basically, this Dr. Sears is saying that not using the CIO method means you have better communication with your kids when they are teens. Any proof for that? I’m 30, and 1 of 4 kids my parents have. They let all of us CIO (within reason) and we all have and always have had great open communication with both of our parents.
There are so many other factors that determine your relationship with your kids. Letting your infant/toddler cry seems fairly insignificant compared to other elements of the parent/child relationship:
- Are you involved in their free time, school, hobbies?
- Do you have regular playtime with them, with no distractions?
- Are you constantly teaching them, helping them experience the who, what, where, why and hows of life?
- Do you challenge them to think critically and form their own opinions?
- When they ask a question, do you stop to answer or just give the “just because” type answer?
Your communication with your kids is dependant on them trusting you and feeling comfortable with you. That relationship forms over time and is your responsibility to nurture. Don’t simplify that relationship down to whether or not you let them cry-it-out as an infant/toddler. It is only one tiny piece of the puzzle.
At the end of the day, everyone has their own parenting style, whether it’s their own, something they read in books/internet articles or a hybrid of the two. There are benefits and drawbacks to every method. Do what feels right for you.
Eric (a living example that CIO is not evil)
After reading some of the judgemental, absolute almost mean spirited comments from *some* the anti CIO crowd, I feel I need to weigh in. Every child and every family is different so different things work for different families. Sometimes after you have adressed their needs, comforted them and let them know you are there, it becomes necessary to let them cry (for a reasonable amount of time that is). We tried several other ways with my son and this was a last resort. We believe that the marriage bed is sacred and special and so we do not cosleep except on rare occasions. To us, our marriage must be healthy first and foremost for us to raise a healthy well adjusted child. It only took a couple of times and now he sleeps wonderfully and is very a very social, healthy, well adjusted, 2 year old who loves and is very attached to his mommy and daddy. Even during the day sometimes we had to let him cry once his needs were met. As much as we all want to, we are not going to be able to shield our kids from every little disappointment and negative emotion they will experience as they grow, nor is it always healthy to do so, especially when they are older but we can build strong relationships with the and teach them to objectively deal with the world around them and still thrive. The way to do that depends on the family and what works for them. So while, you emphatically state that these are the reasons “YOU” do not practice CIO, you go on to post all of these one sided absolute statements that leave no room for dissent. Oh, you can diagree, but if you do you are going against the “research done by the experts” and of course THEY are ALWAYS right! I don’t disagree that they make some valid points and that is what works for some children and their families BUT there is more than one way to raise and child and children are absolutely garanteed to be condemned to a life of hell and misery because a parent may choose to do it another way. Yet, most of those have diagreed have done so respectfully and encouraged parents to do whatever works for their family. Is it too much to ask for the same courtesy?
@Rochelle:
I am not trying to shield my children from every negative emotion, but I will be there to help them work through those negative emotions until they learn to do so on their own. I won’t force them to do so on their own. Whether at night or during the day, if they need to cry, they can cry. But I will be there with them to console them and help them express what they don’t yet have the words to say.
You say, “once you have addressed their needs, comforted them and let them know you are there, it becomes necessary to let them cry” [alone I assume]. That is where I disagree. You felt that in order to meet your conditions of having your baby sleep where you wanted him to sleep and when you wanted him to sleep, you needed to do that. However, that was about your needs. I’m not saying that parents needs are worth nothing. They do need to be met too. But you did have a choice and you made a different choice than I would make because I believe the things that I wrote in this post. If you do not, then I will respectfully encourage you to do whatever works for your family and hope that I am wrong.
Except for particular babies, CIO works.
I doubt many people are aguing against that.
But as a humane society, we don’t make choices based on what ‘works’ we make choices based on what is respectful and good for the well being of our children.
It would work really well if we tied them up and put them in a closet. Boy, we’d get a lot of cleaning done!
It would work great if we dosed them with Benadryl whenever we were tired of picking up after them!
It would work if we fed them crap so they’d eat.
Lots of things ‘work.’
Yes Jessica and others, but again that is YOUR opinion that CIO is disrespectful to the child undermines communication and is in essence abandonment. You DO NOT live in my household, know nothing about me and are NOT raising my child so please state you opinion but keep you judgment to yourself. This has nothing to do with feeding kids crap or giving them Benadryl or tying them up and putting them in a closet so we can get the cleaning done. I don’t even know why you brought this up. What it IS about is different styles of parenting. There is no one “RIGHT” way to do things and letting children cry (within limits after their needs are met is NOT the same as abuse or abandonment as you are trying to make it out to be. I would never tell YOU not to do the things you are doing based on one person’s school of thought especially if I did not know anything about you. You are not going to change my mind on this so just stick what what you believe in and RESPECT what I believe in.
@Rochelle: Is there a clear line between stating an opinion and judging others? If there is, I haven’t found it. Opinions on what constitutes judgment ranges from “By defending YOUR parenting priorities, you are attacking mine!!!” all the way to actually calling someone a bad mother. Where do you place the line between opinion and judgment?
I think the line moves according to the person on the receiving end. It’s all in how that person reads/hears it, and may even be different depending on mood or any number of other factors.
The responsibility often falls to the writer/speaker to be non-judgmental, but I think it’s an impossible task to say something that will offend absolutely no one.
Wow.
Just…wow.
Let me say this…my 13 year old is a well adjusted, happy kid who I allowed to CIO. He was an easy baby but went through a rough patch around 2 m old where he would cry, like clockwork, every night from 11 pm-2 am. Nothing worked. No amount of holding, walking, bouncing, singing, NOTHING.
At one point I was just frazzled, feeling like a rotten parent and so frustrated that I just laid him down and walked away because I couldn’t take it anymore. He went to sleep.
We finally began just put him in his crib at that time and leaving him. At first it felt cruel and weird, but after awhile he finally stopped crying in the evenings altogether. We found out later that he was very sensory sensitive, and just needed the QUIET SPACE and no stimulation to calm down. WE were the reason he was crying!
My son and I are very, very close and his bit of crying it out never hurt our relationship at all.
My opinion is every situation is different. What works for one baby/Mom doesn’t work for another. Unless you’ve walked in their shoes, you have no idea.
I know you may not see this, as your post was months ago, but:
My oldest daughter was exactly the same way – right down to the “like clockwork” crying (11pm-3am). I tried walking her (post-c/s – that was fun), singing, bouncing, nursing, etc. My husabnd ended up taking her downstairs and bouncing her on his knee for hours every night, just so I could recover from surgery. (This started when she was just a couple days old.)
And, one day, my husband had to put her down in the playpen, whlie he used the bathroom. He came out about 3 minutes later, and she was asleep. Much against my better judgment, I tried it…and noticed that as soon as I left the room, her crying began to wind down. If I stayed there, my simple presence overstimulated her. She simply could NOT wind down and fall asleep, until *extreme* exhaustion took over, if there were people around. So, as soon as she started crying in that way, we’d put her down and leave the room. She got a lot more sleep that way. (We had similar problems with breastfeeding, as she’d get really wound up while nursing, too – way too overstimulated to peacefully nurse – and was always breaking off and relatching.)
However, I don’t happen to consider this approach to dealing with a very sensory sensitive child to be CIO. CIO is about not responding to the child’s cries, in order to teach them to self-soothe (usually with a lot of rot about making them be independent – because a child who can’t yet sit up, crawl, walk or feed him/herself is dependent…they just are). Removing the source (oneself) of over-stimulation from a highly sensitive child is about responding to their need for a non-stimulating environment. I don’t know about your son, but I do know that my daughter’s cries would *immediately* begin to subside, once the door was closed (provided we hadn’t inadvertently tormented her into a massively overstimulated state). Her needs were being honoured, not ignored. The whole point of CIO-style sleep training is to teach the baby that their cries will be ignored, and they may as well give up (never phrased that way, but even people who practice CIO say that, in other words). This simply does not apply to a baby who ISN’T CRYING OUT OF THE NEED FOR A RESPONSE in the first place.
I’ve talked with people on both sides of the CIO issue who say what I did was CIO. I disagree. And, I don’t think CIO is healthy.
Lisa, I agree– what you did was not CIO.
I’m curious to know what pro-CIO-ers think not having your child CIO entails. Some I’ve come across mention how co-sleeping doesn’t work for them. Others have mentioned how on the verge of mental collapse they were. Not having your child CIO doesn’t mean you need to co-sleep and it doesn’t mean you must go insane. It means you utilize other, less extreme (shall I say) ways to create harmony in the home.
I learned several non-CIO techniques from the book “The Aware Baby” that might be of interest to some of you. Here’s what I took from the book:
-Until babies master language, they express themselves through crying. This is their way of communicating their individual needs, and they should be listened to.
-Sometimes, our society does not place enough importance on allowing babies and children their say or entitling them to their emotions. As a result, some babies are not able to fully release pent up tensions, frustrations, traumas etc. through crying in a safe, loving, understanding environment and so tension builds.
-When a baby has pent up emotions, distracting them from their feelings through food, rocking, entertainment etc. does not make their emotion go away. It only stuffs it down. In some cases, all the baby needs to do is have a good cry while being held and nurtured and allowed the space to cry.
-If the LO is in good health (meaning the crying is not due to a disorder or some sort of physical pain) and if all of his other needs are met: he is fed, changed, does not need soothing or entertainment, try holding the LO in a loving embrace and allowing him to just cry while you validate his feelings and let him know you’re there.
-How many of us would have liked/would currently like, a listening and loving shoulder to cry on? Or if you do have such a shoulder to cry on, don’t your LO’s need and deserve the same thing?
-Give the process time. If the LO had a traumatic birth, is a highly sensitive person, is overstimulated easily, is understimulated, or has experienced some other form of hurt (been bullied, seen his parents fight, etc.), undoing that will probably take more than one try.
-Some, not all, babies really need a healthy release of energy too. Get them out into the sunshine. Let them run around, or if they’re still babes in arms, stroll them around and let them check things out. Being cooped up in the house all day will make anyone coo coo.
I utilize this method with my four month old and he goes right to bed at the same time every evening, sleeps 4-6 hour stretches, wakes only to eat and then goes right back to sleep, is confident enough to play by himself for long periods, and is complimented as a very calm and present baby who seems wise beyond his years.
Lainya,
Thank you for at least being respectful. You are one that I do not mind having an intelligent conversation with. Personally I would prefer not to be labeled. People who are being referred to as CIO advocates are loving caring parents who have usually read lots of books and tried a myriad of things before allowing a child to cry. We are talking just a few minutes and not several hours as some have sensationalized this whole issue. Just like there are a number of variations with your particular philosophy of parenting, there is a wide range of variation and diversity of responses to a child’s crying on the other side of the coin. Do not demonize (not talking about you) the other side if you do not know their story or what they are actually doing. FYI, our son did cosleep until the age of 4 months due to reflux. After 4 months we moved hm to a cradle next to our bed. At 6 or 7 months (when he started getting too big for the cradle) we tried him in the crib in his room for short stretches at a time until he started to sleep at least for most of the night. Teething pain woke him up crying pretty frequently some during that time. So we got some all natural teething tablets and my husband and I took turns comforting him and giving him the teething tablets. We got through that and he was sleeping pretty well, but then at about 12-13 months he just started waking up and crying. Again, my husband and I took turns getting up to comfort him and take care of his needs ( I breastfed for 25 months). Sometimes we would sit and rock him for a while, we tried soothing music in his room, yes we put him in our bed some but none of us slept very well including him (he would wake up cranky). I took him to the pediatrician to make sure there were no physical problems. He checked out fine. No medical problems and no more reflux. Since I am a chiropractor, I made sure he was adjusted. We did warm baths and massages at night before bed. I always prayed with him before we went to bed and prayed for a sweet sleep with no nightmares or night terrors (which can happen with toddlers as well as adults). And yes, we did take him outdoors a lot to let him play and expend energy (we live on 2.54 acres). Still he would only sleep for a couple hours and wake up screaming. As long as we were in there with him, he would be fine and dandy but as soon as I would put him down again he would cry. I knew he was sleepy because he would sleep with us holding him. Those were several weeks of extreme frustration and exhaustion for our family. We were sleep deprived from getting up so many times and it was starting to cause problems in our marriage. I felt so alone because we have no family close by and even started doubting myself as a mother. Finally we decided that after we had done the best we could we would have to just let him cry and eventually he had to learn to fall asleep on his own. Now before anyone shoots me with fiery darts, let me explain how we did it. The first time he would start crying one of us would go and hold and comfort him. Then we would tell him “Ok, mommy and daddy need to get some sleep now and so do you. I am going to lay you down and I want you to go back to sleep. You are safe. Mommy and Daddy are right in the next room.” If he cried again we would wait about 5 minutes and then get up. This time we would not pick him up but just stand in his room and comfort him verbally. If it happened again, one of us would just stand outside the door so that he could see us (we would not go into the room) and verbally comfort him. After that we would allow him to cry himself to sleep which only lasted at the most 10 minutes. Then he would go on to sleep and would awake bubbly and cheerful in the mornings instead of cranky and we were happier too. It only took a couple times of doing that and he started sleeping all night and falling asleep on his own although I still hold him and rock him every night before putting him to bed even at 2 years old. Up until 4 months ago, I still breastfed him before putting him down for the night. We also read stories and say prayers at this time. It is a special time and I make sure he knows that he is loved but WE not he run the household and determine what time and where he sleeps. This is not a bad thing and it is not disrespectful to his needs. We ARE the parents. He is a very loving, social, and intelligent toddler (knows most of the letters and colors and can count from 1-20) so it did not hurt him to cry a little bit. So before you think the worst and judge someone because they are not doing what you are doing, find out what they ARE actually doing and even if you do not agree, respect their role as a parent who is not perfect and is still learning just like you.
Really excellent, thank you, spreading it around.
I appreciate your post Rochelle because, for some time now, I’ve been meaning to point out that each method has its various extremes and that there are shades of grey in between. I’m sure there are pro CIO-ers who would disagree with each other and that there are anti CIO-ers who could find ways to disagree. Your story exists somewhere in the gray area as it shares a less extreme example of having your child CIO.
It wasn’t ever up for debate, but I believe you have shed adequate light on your loving parenting. It sounds like you put some thought into it and tried a less harsh form of CIO. Not everyone out there puts this much thought into it though, and those are the people I really wish to reach.
We’re all trying to be the best parents we can be, and how we go about doing that won’t always be the same. Not only is every child different, one from the next, but every child goes through different changes as he traverses the various stages of development. I’m personally well aware that my 4 month old won’t always have the same sleep patterns or same disposition as he does right now, and that I’ll have to adjust as necessary. CIO still isn’t for me though.
Lastly, I must say, this discussion reminds me that, when using such an informal and immediate platform such as a computer to communicate, it’s best to remember that there is a human being on the other end. This is easier said than done. I have had my moments on comment boards touting my beliefs against the CIO method and I have, I’m sure, come across as judgemental and have done my fair share of labeling. It’s not to be hateful, it’s just that it’s an issue that concerns me very much. I have a bleeding heart that feels the pain of others. When I think of a baby crying alone, I think of how scary and sad the poor little one must feel. Compound my emotions with the research I’ve read about human development and attachment theory and I’m just rearin’ to share that knowledge and be that voice for the babies who can’t speak for themselves.
I think from now on I’ll pose more questions as to the way people are using the CIO method before I assume they’re at the extreme. This way I can pose my response in a way that proves more effectively targeted and in a way that doesn’t close people off to my message.
Let me respectfully say shame on you “phd” for vilifying and scaring well intentioned parents and the real research done by real medical professionals that we base our sleep strategies on. I came across your post not knowing your credentials (or lack of them) and read your outrageous claims one after the other in David Letterman style (a top 10 list, really?) and was immediately terrified that we had taken the wrong path with our daughter and set her up for failure for the duration. Upon further reflection however, I realize your arguments are very thin, speculative and reaching hard to connect nearly every problem a person can have with only one aspect of their upbringing.
I think this is a terrific topic of debate for parents and science in general, but it would be much better if it were done in a spirit of critical insight and understanding rather than your brand of intuitive guesswork and holier-than-thou judgements.
@Joe: What real research by what real medical professionals are you referring to?
Im not a doc, Im not a researcher but I am a mommy. Theres no need to parent bash here…we can all find studies ect to counter each side. Personally when my daughter cries it means she needs me. I AM HER SOUL provider, IM HER protector, i grew her in my body to love and care for her, why in the heck wouldnt i want to hold her when shes crying??? Shes not old enough to be spoiled or bratty so i dont need to teach her a lesson by “crying it out”….. PERSONALLY, every family has to do what they have to do to survive. Im not a perfect mom but i strive to be perfect to Ava. I would hope that everyone on this website realises that not all household are not ran the same way, BUT remember your child is a product of YOU and what YOU TEACH them from day 1 is what they will be. Their brains and emotions and personalities are being developed while you let them “cry it out”…. how do you think that development works when the babys crying its head and lungs to exaustion? No one should judge each other here just state the facts right? Heres a fact, My daughter had colic until she was 6 months old and i never let her cry herself to sleep, i bought a very comfy rocker and rocked my princess until she fell asleep calmly, not in rage, even if i only got 3 hrs of sleep, it was worth it to me. Maybe other parents cant afford the time or effort but remember your job is to be a mommy or daddy…. work comes second in life, dont just put your kid in the crib to cry it out because YOU have to get up early…cry me a river… get over not getting any sleep and soothe your baby!!! I hope everyone reading my post finds the best method for their child
I commend the people here for carrying on such a lively debate, and on a much neded topic.
I, am not a parent. I am eldest sibling to what amounted to a small army of kids, in a nearly constant absentee parent household.
While I think innovation and discovery are important things in general, I feel it necessary to point out that this so-called “method” is really a method at all, it is inaction.
I always smile to myself when some study, some group of doctors, or some institution come up with some newfangled, whiz bang revolutionary method of child rearing that has never been done before, (It usually has) and then watching modern day parents, always seeking a panacea for their need for more time and convenience hop on board by the millions.
An example of this happened in the 40′s as well when milk and bottle companies spread rumors that breast feeding was actually harmful to infants, and millions of gullible moms fell for it, with disastrous consequences socially, and medically.
This “cry it out” method is yet another gimmick, and I hate to break it to the ones here advocating it’s use, but I must state quite clearly: you have not discovered the Rosetta stone.
Since our early origins as a species, human infants have used crying, to inform, to alert, at communicate, and to signal their needs.
Now suddenly a doctor comes along after 50,000 years of successful human biological and social adaptation and says “you don’t have to do anything” and bingo. we have droves of parents, once again more than willing to dispense with thousands of years of common sense, and with personal responsibility at the drop of a hat, and all in the name of convenience.
I can tell you this.
The ones here who really need to CIO, are the parents who hop on these fads, in the name of modernization and personal ease, at the expense of their child’s proper, (and sometimes tedious) development.
So, um, yeah.
If you cannot deal with the responsibility of a crying child, and all of the developmental challenges that come with this awesome responsibility, then don’t have a child. and if you need more time for yoga, television, romance, work, and personal pursuits, that maybe you should re-consider having a child at all.
P
THANK YOU FOR THIS!!!!! This article has really effected me today and i was thinking, when we cry…REALLY cry…its for pain or hurt right? And what do you we do?(most of us) We turn to the ones who love us for support….as we should do for our children when they cry…WOW its a freakin miracle right?
In total agreement with the idea that technology and the medical community often give us “permission” to ignore our instincts, usually with terrible consequences. I wonder what will be said about CIO in 50 years once its longterm effects are known.
As a writer for a natural parenting blog which advocates attachment parenting and a new mother: I felt compelled to leave a comment. I do agree with the consequences of the CIO and am pretty much anti-CIO. I remember my dad, who is a military man, telling me when my daughter was about six weeks old that she was old enough to be in her own crib and we shouldn’t pick her up when she cries, this was her way of controlling us. I gently told him that we are doing it differently because research has shown that it could be emotionally and mentally harmful to the baby. He, in a rare instance, didn’t judge or criticize but accepted our way of parenting. This was never brought up again.
We held Layla for hours when she would not sleep, carried her in a baby carrier until she did, co-slept with her until she, not us, refused to sleep in the same bed. She is now a very healthy 18 month old toddler who is fearless, confident, and happy. But this was of course without up and down. Although for the most part we did all that we could to help her sleep; sometimes just letting her cry for 15-30 minutes helped her fall asleep faster than us holding her and carrying her for hours. Infact, sometimes I felt that it frustrated her more. So while I am not a big fan of CIO, especially in the first six months of the baby’s life. I do believe letting the baby cry themselves to sleep does help them sleep better.
And to be honest, a mother who is about to snap for lack of sleep and frustation of not being able to put her child down could be far more dangerous than putting the baby down and letting the little one cry for awhile. I think we all forget, how incredibly demanding that first year is and when a new mother is scared into “must never let the baby cry” which I felt some CIO people were about. Even Dr. Sears, who is probably the most notable anti-proponent of CIO conceded that there are times when a baby needs to cry.
SO the great disservice that most Anti-CIO people have is the extreme view of how the baby should NEVER be left alone to cry which I think is a bit inflexible on the whole parenthood thing. One thing I learned as a mother is that you have to adapt to a situation. Sometimes they do need that extra cuddle, hold time, love, attention, but sometimes they do want or need to be left alone and vent out their frustration. So perhaps when people are saying, “you are being judgemental and I know my child best” I think they are saying, give us the flexibility to parent with our instinct and with flexibility. We all have own experience as a mother and each child is different. So while I do agree that extended CIO can cause emotional and mental shutdown and there has been sound research on that; we should perhaps offer it in a more gentle way… especially to the new mother who need that understanding most.. letting them know that putting that baby down for awhile will not cause irreversible brain damage, which quite frankly, is what some CIO people do.
Susie
I appreciate you gentle and understanding wisdom on this subject. Your approach sounds pretty close to ours. Thank you for being a calming voice on this very volatile subject. No parent is perfect but I think we all are trying to do what is best for our children and other family members. You make a good point. During my natural birth classes they were pretty much attachment parenting advocates (within limits) but they showed balance by saying that sometimes after you have done everything to calm and comfort a crying baby to no avail, if it you gets to the point where you are frustrated to the point of snapping and possibly harming the child, it is better to put him or her down step back and possibly call for help (grandparents, trusted friends) if available. Shaking a baby is a horrible tragedy that can cause certain brain damage and often death whereas letting the baby cry for a few minutes (not hours) while you get your bearings or call for help, will not hurt the child. Many of these parents were very loving and caring but out of extreme exhaustion, frustration, and the rigid belief that a child should NEVER be allowed to cry they get to a breaking point. I say follow your instincts. Hold, love, cuddle and comfort according to your child’s needs but realize you limits and allow for flexibility and for your child to express his/her OWN frustration at times, and take care of yourself also so that you can safely care for your child. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
@Rochelle: I absolutely agree that people should step back and leave the baby to cry for a few minutes if they are otherwise at risk of harming the baby. I also agree with asking for help. What I don’t agree with is a premeditated decision that you are going to let your baby cry to sleep for X number of minutes or indefinitely. I think when we have the benefit of advance planning, we also have the benefit of thinking of alternatives and coping mechanisms. So while I don’t agree with leaving a baby to cry as a sleep training method, I do agree with leaving a baby to cry in order to regain your composure. Very different things, IMO.
As a follow up to some of the comments here about opinions versus judging, I wrote a new post called “Don’t Judge Me”. You can read it here: http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/09/26/dont-judge-me/
I am surprised at the lively debate that is going on about this topic. This is something that tugs at the heartstrings of all parents. I personally wont let my child and will never attempt again to let him cry himself to sleep. I tried it before upon peer pressure and strong recomendation of the pediatrician who told me that I had to ” do it over and over again to ‘break the child’s habit of waking up. I thought that was so harsh and insensitive an approach. My son cried for 20 -45minutes until my head was pounding and he finally threw up all his dinner. I felt so sick at what I saw, went over pick him up and brought him to my bed. Some parents have told me to feed them a smaller dinner so that they wont puke while crying it out and if they did, just clean up the puke and put them back to cry again. I have also met some whose baby cried out for 2-3 hours each day for 1 week. Now that is tough..
I am not bashing other parents who do CIO- These are all very loving and wonderful parents to their kids. You just have to find something that works for everyone. My son is 1 years old and he still doesnt sleep through the night. He wants to be nursed before he sleeps and he sleeps with my husband and myself. He is sleeping slightly better since we got back to Asia. I am sleep deprived most of the time but I try to mitigate the situation by napping while the baby naps or getting someone to help with the chores / hosuework or even baby sitting in the day while you can catch up on rest. The No cry sleep solution is a rather good book though you need time to see results. Nowadays I rest beside my son at night and gently encourage and wait for him to fall asleep on his own without the breast. He has fallens alseep on his own a couple of times.
I will not let my baby cry it out- it is counter-intuitive. The baby will wake up again anyway when he falls sick, reaches a milestone or encounters changes in environment etc.. Once after a jab, i hardly slept for 3 nights.
Then you have to start the sleep training all over again. Yes at times you have to let them cry on their own for a few mintues if you need to go to the bathroom or bathe especially when there is no other care giver but yourself. It can be very challenging but I tell myself this phase will pass.. Before we know it , he will be a young lad hardly wanting to be around his mommy but his friends.
“Even if my father and mother abandon me,
the Lord will hold me close.” Ps 27:10
I believe the CIO method lets you abandon your baby for an hour and half at a time.
I’m confused as to how Bible verses made it into the conversation, because the comments showing up in my email from this thread are not all here.
Anyway, since the Bible did get brought into it I’ll post these:
http://gentlechristianmothers.com/articles/jeri/cryingbaby.php
http://gentlechristianmothers.com/articles/jeri/gcmnurture.php
http://gentlechristianmothers.com/articles/brenda/gcmconvenient.php
This has been a lively and interesting debate to read. As always, I appreciate Annie’s straightforward, unapologetic approach tovexplaining her parenting beliefs.
If I may, I’d like to add a point to the discussion. In the phrase “cry-it-out”, to what does the “it” refer? While that answer may differ in the minds of each CIO advocate, I would assert the simple fact that only the child knows the reason for her distress – day or night, bedtime, naptime, or any time.
It doesn’t matter how lovingly you parent, it doesn’t matter how “well-adjusted” you deem your child, and it certainly doesn’t matter which expert you cite that gave you the confidence to leave your child to cry fir any amount of time.
It’s not about you. It is about the needs of your child. Babies have one principal method to communicate. If I view all cries as my daughter’s attempt to communicate a feeling or need that is both real and urgent, I will respond sensitively with my whole self, day or night. It doesn’t matter why I think she’s crying. What matters is that she is a defenseless person whose needs matter, but isn’t yet capable of meeting her needs on her own.
When I hear someone describe how being left to cry “taught” her child to “self-soothe”/sleep, I am confused. Place yourself in the mind of your child. If I am a baby crying all alone fir 1 minute or 1 hour, I imagine I would be feeling a negative emotion or need, and that I would expect the parents on whom I rely for everything to help me to meet it. If no one comes, do I think: “Oh, I have been screaming and sobbing for no reason. My need doesn’t really matter after all. I’m glad my mom taught me this lesson. I feel so much more independent”?
Clearly, none of us knows what a baby is thinking. However, I choose to see my child as a person whose needs matter, and who, if she is crying (really just communicating) requires my help to meet her needs – irrespective of the time of day or night.
I apologize for the typos. Late night typing on my phone
.
Good afternoon,
I read al the posts and for me personally I am totally against letting my baby girl CIO. I am home with her at night and I am in complete control of how she is handled and put to sleep. She usually goes to sleep between 10:00 PM and 12:00 AM and will sleep through until 5:00 AM – 6:30 Am on most nights. This is not the issue. My husband is her caretaker during the day since he doesn’t work and I am stuck at work all day (I leave the house at 7:00 AM and dont’ get home until 6:30 on most nights.) Other than the leaving her cry for 15 – 30 minutes when he thinks she is tired he attends to all her other needs. He changes her, feeds her, holds her for quite awhile. I am so scared that she is being scarred for life by this and I am helpless being stuck at work all day and feeling terribly guilty about not being able to be home for her.
Gen,
Don’t be so hard on yourself or you will drive yourself crazy with worry and possibly make yourself sick. Then you will be of little use to your child if you let your mind and your health go. After reading your post, I think you are a great and dedicated mother and from what you describe, your husband seems like a great DAD (not just caretaker) who just has a slightly different approach than you and is probably doing his best to balance the housework with giving her priority as well as attending to his own personal needs (like eating and showering). So many men in the same situation have shaken, abused, or killed babies out of anger and frustration for crying so it seems that you have a good one. I doubt if crying for a few minutes has scarred for life if all other things that she needs are in place and your husband is attentive at all other times. He is probably still attentive when she is crying but just realizes his limitations as a parent and so should you. I am not going to tell you to change your method of relating to your child. You know your child and so does your husband. I will say, that you would do well to realize that you have limitations and despite our best attempts to control every aspect of our child’s care , none of us are perfect. The blessing is that babies are not machines or robots and God has made them wonderfully adaptable. Some childen have gone through the worst possible conditions… e.g. abuse, domestic violence in the home, poor eating habits, life threatening illnesses and disabilities, natural disasters, etc. and have turned out just fine. And even if a person is scarred by bad experiences beyond their control, there is all kinds of help and people can heal and change. None of this has to do with you (you are a good dedicated mom) except that you are not perfect and that your baby is more adaptable than you think. Keep being attentive and present for her but try to relax some and rest in the knowledge that you are doing your very best and your husband is doing his very best to be good parents to her. Does your husband stay at home by choice or is he out of work temporarily and looking? You don’t have to answer if it is none of my business. I just asked so that if he is looking, I can say a prayer for him to find a good job.
I just wanted to say thank you for such a concise and well-researched article to link to (Crying it out vs. the responsiveness of attachment parenting). Saved me the trouble of writing it!
As a Doula and childbirth assistant, extended breastfeeder, babywearer, and natural and attachment method parenter, I have had alot of experience with both CIO and gentle sleep methods. I was 14 when my brother was born. He was easily disturbed and CIO worked for my mom with him. He was also sensory sensitive so the more you messed with him, the more upset he got. I had my first child at 19 and I lived at home while she was a baby. My mother always used the phrase, “sometimes you just gotta let them cry!!!” I still to this day hate when people say that to me because none of my 3 children ever responded well to me just letting them cry wether it was for sleep or anything else. My mother always acted (and still does) like I’m a hysterical parent because of the choices I make for my kids. She says I am killing myself to try to “look” like a good parent. Yes I have put my baby in their crib to cry when nothing else I have done is working because, with the experience from my brother, I know that sometimes, more stimulation means more crying, but if they have not settled down within a few minutes, I pick them up and usually by that time, they are more comforted by my touch. I have also modified several methods to make them work for us. Yes we co sleep, but usually only from 1 or 2 am until morning, because my son sleeps well in his crib (in our room) and gives my hubby and I time together and when he wakes up, I just bring him to bed and nurse throughout the early morning.
I can see both sides of the argument, and I guess whatever works for you, go for it, but for me, CIO is damaging to a baby’s nervous system if the baby is crying for an extended period of time. I am not stating that anyone is a bad parent, just that I wouldn’t do it for that reason.
Our first baby is due in a month and a half. But I have to say, reading this post again made me think of when we first got our dog! Everyone told me about how much their dogs love their crates, and I decided to try it, though my family was a dog in the bed family. Anyway, he barked and barked, cried, his little nose ran, and he wet himself. We tried to let him CIO, so to speak, or maybe “Bark It Out.” After 3 nights without sleep for us or him, we brought him into our bed and he went right to sleep. So we learned the hard way that our puppy just wanted to co-sleep. (I come from a co-sleeping family that crosses species, too.)
Though I don’t think we’ll co-sleep with our baby, as my husband can sometimes be a dangerous sleepwalker, I do plan to keep the baby in our room and pick him up/nurse on demand.
@abbie:
One thing that I came to realize when my kids were little is that they needed me to sleep with them. My husband liked to have me sleep with him, but really we didn’t need to share a bed all night long in order to be intimate. Both my husband and I have spent a lot of time sleeping with our kids in their rooms because we know that they need us when they are this little. We still have decades and decades where we will share a bed. Our kids only need us at night for a small period of time and we can manage not sleeping with each other for that time period if necessary.
All that to say that if you do find your little one needs to co-sleep, but you are worried about safety issues due to your husband’s sleepwalking, you could always put a mattress on the floor in the baby’s room and sleep there with the baby when he/she needs you.
I also wanted to comment back to Abbie… I didn’t know about co-sleeping until my boy was a month old when I learned the benefits of co-sleeping, and have been co-sleeping ever since, he’s 2 y.o. now! I wanted to say is that the baby doesn’t have to be sleeping between you two, in our bed, I’m in the middle =) And it works! We just have a bed rail on his side so he won’t fall off. I do have to craw out of bed over my husband to take a potty break at night but that is a very small price to pay to have my little one beside me. All of us got much more sleep and whenever he cries out he knows that mommy is right beside him. I do have a king size pillow between him and I just because he’s old enough to be a kicker so the pillow solves that.
I’m very glad we’re co-sleeping, sometimes it didn’t seem like a great idea, ex. when I didn’t have much space to sleep in… but all I had to do is push the boys around a bit and claim my space for the night – lol. I treasure this time very much. I love to wake up in the morning and watch him sleep with his his arms up over his head, his beautiful perky red lips and calm steady breathing (hehe), it truly is lovely.
So if you decide that you can sleep in the middle for the sake of your baby, do so, it’s really easy to do and you do get used to being sandwhiched =D Good luck in whatever you decide.
Thank you for this- it makrs it easier to tell people the reasons why in a quick easy way!! I am glad I found you
My 10 month old son does not nap, he sleeps for an hour or two each evening then wakes up and cannot be put back into his crib. It took nearly an hour on the dot to get my 10 month old to sleep tonight but here it is almost midnight and he’s sleeping. If my husband were here this never would have played out. He travels alot and I’m taking this two day stretch of him being gone to try the CIO method. I work from home part time which is becoming impossible with the lack of sleep for me and the non existant naps for my son (unless I’m holding him which makes working difficult). I’ve deciding it’s time for my rules to be the law of the house. My son slept from 8:15 PM to 10:23 PM. Once he awoke I fed him and rocked, walked him until he was asleep. It never fails that once I set him in his crib he wakes up. I even waited until he was snoring before I tried to place him in there (he has a cold which is why he snored but his waking up happens regardless of that). I’ve simply had enough of this happening every night that I had to take action. It was difficult to endure and I searched the internet for a reason to either not try or try CIO the entire hour he cried (checking in on him at 15 min intervals). Now that he’s asleep I know it was the right thing. My four year old never woke up during this process which is great but hard to believe. I know all babies are different but if my experience can help someone out there at this time of night trying to justify the CIO method, great.
@alp1118: My babies could never sleep in a crib either. Both of them would wake frequently if sleeping alone and you couldn’t put them back down, but both of them slept fine if they were sleeping with me. So we set up a safe co-sleeping environment so that everyone got some rest and we didn’t have to use any sleep training techniques that we weren’t comfortable with.
You make a good point that all babies are different, mine are as well. My first would go to sleep in her crib if I nursed her to sleep and rocked her, this one will if I wear her to sleep. I can totally understand wanting to sleep (especially when my two are sick!!!), but I guess I wonder at feeling like this is the only option. There’s a really great book out there called the “No Cry Sleep Solution” by Elizabeth Pantley and while her methods aren’t necessarily quick (which isn’t necessarily better!) they get behind the reasons baby won’t sleep and what else you can do to help them along the path.
BTW, I would read the post by Dr Mary Fay (look for it within the comments) she says many times there’s an underlying medical issue for why kids won’t sleep. If I can’t sleep as an adult I can go to a doctor and try to figure out why, as babies…they need our help to get to the WHY rather than believing it’s behavioural or a battle of wills.
I have to agree on the medical reasons for not sleeping. Some babies can have an adrenal inbalance that keeps them from sleeping long periods of time.
I guess the other ting that I felt sort of disturbed about, is that a person feels like they have to show a 10 month old “who is boss!” how can you really expect a baby to even understand that. My 10 month old is going through some sleepless nights right now, and it’s not easy, but I definitely can’t imagine “sticking the rules” to him by any means. I guess if CIO worked for you and you feel it was the “right” thing, more power to you, but I personally can’timagine listening to any of my kids scream for an hour for any reason without feeling like something wasn’t “right”.
You seem to be contradicting yourself here. You say all babies are different, but in the same breath you are telling people what not to do. I had to move my daughter out of our bed at 9 months for medical reasons and I really did not want to let her cry. I bought “The No Cry Sleep Solution” and “The Happiest Baby on the Block”. I did tons of research on child sleep. I tried everything that anyone suggested to get my daughter to sleep in her bed without letting her cry. The results? She would scream for hours while I held and rocked her because she knew I was going to put her in her bed rather than my bed. Finally, at the suggestion of my pediatrician, I put her in her bed and left her to cry for 5 minutes at a time. She cried for 15 minutes, then went to sleep and has never had another issue since (she’s almost 2 now). That 15 minutes was much less crying than we went through with any of the “no cry” methods.
Yes, if a baby is left to cry for long periods of time, it does cause damage. In my research, that amount of time has to be several hours a day for several months. No one is talking about that when they talk about sleep training. You aren’t going to damage your child by trying something for a few days. If it doesn’t work, of course you shouldn’t force it – the same goes for any method. It’s all about doing what works the best for your child.
You also say that you are happy you aren’t a “mainstream” parent because you don’t do things simply because that’s the way it’s always been done without question. But really, is it any better to refuse to do something because you read something somewhere that clicked with you and you ran with it; essentially, you are not doing something because someone told you it was wrong and you never really questioned it. How is that better? Go and actually read some of the studies that Kellymom and Dr. Sears are claiming prove their theory and you will find that those studies have nothing to do with sleep training. The study that says excessive crying can be harmful was done on colicky babies. At least do your homework before you start spouting this kind of ignorance.
Sigh:
(a) I’m not doing something because something I read somewhere clicked with me. I’m doing it because both my heart, my head, and the research I’ve done all lead me in that direction.
(b) I’m not telling anyone else what to do. I’m sharing our reasons for not doing CIO.
(c) I do believe that all babies are different. Some babies will sleep more easily than others. Some need to sleep alone, some need to sleep with their parents, some need to nurse to sleep and some don’t. Some sleep through the night when they are 10 weeks old others don’t sleep through the night when they are 30 years old. The fact that each baby is different means there is no magic approach that will teach all babies to sleep, but even if it is hard to figure out how to get a baby to sleep, I still don’t feel right leaving a baby to cry to sleep alone.
If you had really researched and not just taken another persons interpretations as the truth, you would know that there has never been a study done on controlled crying. Ever. None. Nada. I realize you aren’t telling anyone what to do, but you are spreading misinformation.
Sigh:
Actually there have been studies done on controlled crying. Unfortunately, they assessed the immediate effectiveness of controlled crying rather than long-term outcomes of it. But if you had read this post carefully, the note at the bottom, or read the follow-up posts (linked from note at the bottom of the post), you would realize that I never said there were conclusive studies specifically on controlled crying and would understand why.
None of the referenced you cited had anything to do with controlled crying so please, enlighten me and post a link to a study that has dealt with it at all. You say that there is no proof that CIO is safe, I say there’s no proof that it isn’t, so you are the one that needs to post this secret information you have.
Sigh:
My policy is that I try not to subject my kids to things that I am not sure are safe for kids.
In terms of the studies, in the post Another Academic Weighs in on CIO, I linked to Is “crying out out” appropriate for infants? I linked to a paper that reviewed all of the research that has been done on controlled crying.
So, you breastfed all of them exclusively for 1 year (yes, many doctors argue that you should not give any solids for the entire first year if life), only fed organic foods after you let them start feeding themselves at 1 year, never offered baby cereals, don’t put anything in plastic, wore your baby every minute of every day, co-slept or didn’t co-sleep, depending on who you asked, don’t allow your children to sleep on commercially produced mattresses, don’t use any Johnson’s products, etc. etc. etc.? Is it just the things you pick and choose, or is it anything anyone says could be harmful for children? Or just the things you know about that could be harmful for children? What about all those things that you don’t know about yet that you are doing wrong!?!
Most of the so called “research” from the paper that you listed was done on children with colic and the effects of excessive crying as a result, or studies of babies who are never touched or held by their mothers. Controlled crying is neither of these things. For example, the ADD and physiological responses of crying for 6-8 hours a day. Until you have read each one of those cited studies, don’t list it as a valid study. You are still just taking someone else’s word for it. You are also cheapening the experiences of those families whose children have endured colic and physiological consequences from it by using that data for your own agenda.
Sigh:
I breastfed exclusively for 6 months (I’d love to see those doctors saying to do so for 1 year…I’m hard pressed finding one that is actually up on the 6 month recommendation), fed as much organic as possible after that, don’t use Johnson & Johnson products, co-sleep using safety precautions, babywore frequently, avoided plastics and got rid of most of it as we became aware of the potential dangers, etc. I do the best I can. Sure, there may be things we don’t know about yet and there are some things that are unavoidable (e.g. there are chemicals in both formula and breast milk that there is no way to get rid of until our environment is significantly cleaned up). But with something like CIO, it is easy (for me) to say that I will continue to provide comfort to my kids at night when they need me because (a) I think it is the right thing to do and (b) there could be negative consequences to letting them cry it out.
But you are basing your opinions on something someone told you, not your own research. And you are choosing a very small fringe population of doctors to listen to instead of larger organizations like the AAP (who recommend sleep training after a certain age). I have no problem with saying “I don’t feel comfortable with CIO because it doesn’t feel right to me”, “it breaks my heart to see my baby crying”, “it didn’t work for us so we tried something else” but to imply that other people who do choose to use a method that is and has been endorsed by major medical groups are harming their children is kinda a jerk thing to do. If you are going to imply that someone is hurting their children, you should be completely sure that’s what they are actually doing. And if you spend that much time researching, when would you have time to spend with the children you are doing all this research for? Why do you feel the need to attack people’s parenting choices (because make no mistake, by saying that someone is harming their children by their parenting choices, that is exactly what you are doing) when there are people out there who are actually harming their children by starving, beating and abusing them emotionally and sexually?
Do you really believe that letting a child cry for a couple hours a night for a week could permanently damage them? If the human species is that fragile, how have we survived at all, much less become the dominant species on the planet? Certainly if it doesn’t work in that time, try something else, but you aren’t going to permanently damage a human child by letting them cry for that short of a period of time.
Sigh:
I think letting a child cry for a couple of hours a night for a week has the potential to harm their relationship with their parents, make them fearful of going to sleep, etc. I also think that we don’t know how much is too much and there is no definitive way to say that every human will be okay with being neglected for X number of minutes and every human will be damaged after being neglected for Y number of minutes. Each person is different and I’d rather err on the side of caution and would prefer that others do too. But obviously I cannot make that decision for them and although I think CIO is wrong, I recognize that other parents have the right to make their own choices.
Obviously I’m not going to convince you of anything, but I’m also not going to back down and say “OMG because she accused me of researching instead of spending time with my children I obviously need to shut up”. Give me a break. I have plenty of other posts I could point you to on my blog that outline the reasons why I write about how we can become better parents, how I feel about the “don’t judge me” requests, and so on. I would point you to them if I thought that you were actually listening and interested, but I don’t get the sense that you are. You’re obviously here just to tell me that I’m wrong and I’m not going to change my mind on this issue, so I’m going to go hang out with my kids instead of arguing with you.
I certainly am not trying to shame you into arguing less – I am just trying to point out that there has to be a line between research and actually being a parent. Where it ends for you is completely your choice.
I also don’t want you to back down in your beliefs – I just don’t like that you say you aren’t judging anyone in one breath and then in the next you say that if they do this, they could harm their children. Because really, if you saw someone beating their child, would you be able to say “I am not judging you, but I don’t think that beating your child is right and you should stop, but I recognize that you have a right to parent the way you want to”? I would definitely judge someone who I thought was hurting their child. What you are doing here is basically saying that if you use CIO, you are guilty of child abuse. Gee, I wonder why people get upset about that?
The only thing you are doing “wrong” in my book is that you are presenting your OPINION as FACT and backing it up with fallacious data.
All I know is that when I had two kids under two, and a husband who was out of town half the time, CIO was pretty much the difference between repeatedly slapping my eighteen-month-old out of sheer exhaustion and frustration, and the sane and happy family life we have now.
And it took less than a week, and less than three hours of crying, to get here. The “cost” is almost entirely theoretical, and not particularly well-argued-for, in my opinion. (well, and there’s the hassle of having to listen to a really angry toddler holler for awhile, but honestly, that was the least of our problems by the time I hit that wall)
But the benefit? Priceless and obvious. Chronic sleep deprivation is nothing to casually screw around with, and I think that actually goes double for the primary caretakers of small children and our charges.
Anyway, I thought this whole Attachment Parenting thing was a dying fashion. Do you still meet youngish AP moms? I don’t believe at this point you could pay me to read anything by Dr. Sears. lol
Most of my AP friends have young babies. I wouldn’t call it a dying fashion.
Attachment Parenting isn’t a fashion. The AP *label* might be a bit trendy, but I was practicising AP in the early 90s, and I’d never heard of it until ’05.
I guess the other thing I wonder is, do these experts who staunchly oppose CIO have a similar objection to forcing a kid to ride in a carseat? Because I’ve spent more time than I’d like to remember listening to a baby howl from his carseat. All I could do is make sure he/she was fed, changed, and comfortable, and then say, “Sorry, lil bud. You’re just going to have to cope.”
My oldest would ONLY sleep in his carseat for awhile, and now I suspect this is because we’d inadvertently trained him to know that the carseat was nonnegotiable. Like, from birth. (even newborns have moms who have to buy groceries.)
Is that “learned helplessness?” and if so, is learned helplessness always such an awful thing for a kiddo?
I knew people whose babies would only sleep (or only go to sleep) in a car over 30 years ago, and they weren’t even using carseats. It’s not likely to be about the seat being non-negotiable. It’s more likely about the motion of the car or the seat (some of the buckets rock slightly when out of their base).
And, my daughter’s carseat was also non-negotiable…and she *hated* it from the time she came home from the hospital until she went into a booster. She cried every time I put her in it for almost a year, and was noticeably unhappy for a lot longer than that. Fortunately, back then, we rarely went anywhere in a car, anyway.
eh, maybe so. I’ve moved to what people call “The Heartland” since my eldest was born, and maybe it’s just a geographic/cultural thing. AP was pretty fashionable back in my old hometown at that time, and I really think I got into it, not because I believed in it, but because that’s what all the Cool Moms were doing. Stupid in retrospect, but the human is a social critter…
Anyway, what I’ve come to suspect is that there really are approximately 6,124 ways to skin a cat, and I’m not as maternally superior to my grandma as I thought I was back when I was 23.
Which, that’s kind of a bummer, eh?
My son is 9 months old and only sleeps in his crib from 7pm – 9:30 pm. We then bring him to bed with us for the night. He wakes up every 3 hours to eat (breast feed).
My wife starting working as a nurse. I had baby duty on my own for the first time at night, 2 nights ago. I was tempted to let him CIO, but after 4 minutes of hearing him cry/screen, I decided CIO is not for me.
The journal posted at the top comment is very informative. What have mothers done for millions of years? I bet it is not CIO…
We do/did attachment parenting and are now following positive discipline. We have a child that happily goes to bed around 8pm and then happily wakes up around 7:30am. Why? Sleep training. Sleep training was such a blessing for our entire family. Our daughter is developmentally ahead, happy, engaged with us/communicative, and trusts that we are there to meet her needs. Your post would make it seem that she is an anomaly–but every parent I know who has done sleep training also has healthy, happy and well adjusted children.
Babies cry for all kinds of reasons. Ours had colic when she was really young and would cry for extended periods even when we constantly carried her around. This is normal. It’s crazy to say that because a child cries for an extended period of time for a week they will have all kinds (or any) problems later.
“CIO” is not the correct term to use. When people say CIO what they mean is sleep training. There are various forms. And the Ferber method does not advocate leaving your baby alone to cry. I would recommend actually doing some real observations of children going through sleep training before you make judgments (and this whole web page was very, very judgmental and reads more like anti-CIO activism to scare would-be parents from sleep training their kids).
There was a post earlier from a dad with an 11 month old. Unfortunately you should wait to do sleep training until your child reaches 4 months old. Children under 4 months need to eat during the night and do not have the body mass to manage a whole night without food.
My opinion on the matter is this. I have two children. The first is currently 3 yrs old. He is the best sleeper there is. This could be due to MANY things: genetics, activity, or just plain luck. We did however use the CIO method twice with him. This being said, I disagree with “reason 7″ that many times CIO has to be done again and again. We always respond to him now, because he RARELY wakes up other than because of a bad dream or him not feeling well. I know SEVERAL people who REFUSE to let their children cry – as a result: one had to sleep on the child’s bedroom floor for the first two years – another child is two and STILL does not sleep through the night. Now, I agree that this time is short and every moment should be cherished. I, however, resent the fact that I am a “bad parent” or my child will have “problems” because I let him cry for two nights. Also, my experience with the Ferber method is this: that you let them cry in SHORT intervals – 3 mins, 5 mins, 10 mins. and COMFORT them between each time. You are still “there” for them and not leaving them. Many have neglected to say this. As if the method is to let your child cry for 12 hours without any response! Again I am NO expert on the matter. All I know is what I have done. I also agree that every child is different. For example: the reason I happened upon this site….. My daughter the past few nights has been up every few hours crying. She IS teething, however she settles down when I pick her up and SCREAMS when she is put back in her crib. She is ordinarily VERY good natured and sleeps very well (9-10 hrs per night!) The fact that she is not still fussing when I hold her says to me that it is more about the attention than the fact that her teeth hurt. I was fully prepared to let her CIO tonight but then I happened upon the first post about the top 10 reasons to not let your child CIO and panicked! I immediately went in and picked her up and comforted her, she is now back to sleep…
The moral of the story….. No one child is the same. I guess what I am saying is we are parents… not perfect by any means. And you can look up all the studies in the world and still not have a clue. I agree parents need to be informed, but bottom line, do what feels right, what works for you, and most importantly love your child unconditionally. I’m not sure any of this makes sense since I AM a little sleep deprived from my teething 8 month old…. and I know I sound indecisive on the matter and I guess that’s because I am. My frustration with many of the comments is that they are SO one-sided and closed-minded. To all the frustrated mothers out there – don’t be afraid of CIO HOWEVER realize that it is NOT for everyone and know (you will) when it is too far. Good night…. I AM GOING TO SLEEP!
I will start by saying I respect both sides in this issue, and I think both an attachment approach and a CIO approach may be valid for some babies in some situations. I don’t judge either side.
However, I do judge people who try to spread misinformation, which appears to be the case here (and at many anti-CIO sites).
I’ve spent awhile reading this post and some of your others on the topic, as well as many comments and your responses. As far as I can tell, you freely admit that there are short-term studies that appear to support both the effectiveness of CIO and no apparent bad effects short-term. Thus, your argument appears to boil down to two things: (1) it hasn’t been proven safe, and (2) you think it’s cruel.
As for (2), that’s your opinion, and I respect that. As for (1), though, you can actually NEVER prove something to be safe, especially something as difficult to study as long-term effects of a sleep strategy that might last for one week out of a child’s entire life. I’ve seen you object in comments to parents who say they only needed a few nights or even 15 minutes of CIO to get to a child who cries less and sleeps much better. Really?? With all the studies that you even cite saying that excessive crying causes long-term problems, you’re going to tell someone who let their child cry ONCE for 15 minutes that she did something cruel, even if it might have significantly reduced future crying spells (which, if they continued, could have resulted in all the damage you bring up)??
The fact is that things we do with children for a few hours could easily have significant future impacts. I don’t dispute that. But most of these effects are unpredictable. We stay out with our child in the sun for an extra hour one day at a park, and perhaps the slight sunburn might create a propensity for future melanoma in that place in the child’s skin. Can you PROVE that it didn’t? Would you judge a parent as harshly for something like that? Perhaps allowing the child to have a couple extra ice cream scoops for his birthday just one particular time contributed to a sweet tooth that eventually led to obesity and diabetes. Maybe if the parent just changed that one thing, the kid’s future would have been different. Can you PROVE it wouldn’t?
Decisions we make everyday with our children can have significant future repercussions, but all we can do is try to do the best for them. Perhaps by NOT letting the child stay in the sun, he developed a minor vitamin D deficiency that many years later was a minor contributor to osteoporosis. Perhaps by NOT giving the child extra ice cream, and upsetting him, we alienated him a way that ultimately led to a strained parent-child relationship. Can you PROVE these things wouldn’t have happened? These decisions are almost never clear-cut.
For that matter, the onus is on YOU in this debate as well. Can you PROVE that the long-term harm from a few nights of CIO is GREATER than the long-term harm caused by sleep disorders or excessive crying in an infant who (for whatever reason) sleep training would have worked after just a night or two (or even one longer bout of crying for less than 30 minutes on one day, which some parents claim worked for them)?
The fact is you don’t have proof either way. CIO can’t be proven safe, but neither can your approach. Chances are that for SOME babies, a CIO approach might be significantly better for their well-being in the long run. For SOME others, it might be significantly detrimental. How can you PROVE anything one way or the other?
Maybe the number of babies who would benefit from CIO is much smaller than those for whom it would be detrimental. MAYBE… but again, there isn’t PROOF. And, regardless, that doesn’t say that it might not be a very good approach for a particular baby in a particular situation.
In the end, it all just comes down to your personal opinion that you think it’s cruel, because you don’t actually have long-term studies to back up your claims, anymore than the CIO folks have. I know in some of your responses you claim something like “this is my opinion,” or “these are the reasons I don’t do it,” but in the end, you claim to cite research in a way that makes it sound like the research supports you.
In fact, the research does not. Studies have shown sleep training to be effective. Studies have not shown short-term problems caused by it. (In fact, they tend to show minor, but statistically significant, improvements in some cases.) The only studies you can cite in response are basically ones done on infants who have been significantly neglected or have excessive crying bouts not caused by sleep training. Thus, there’s no good evidence either way, and saying “it hasn’t been proven safe” is misleading.
I could make any other sort of outrageous claim like this. I’ll make one up: No amount of television viewing has been “proven safe” for children of any age — even one hour of television watching at a young age might cause changes in cognitive development. Excessive television viewing has been shown to cause changes in cognitive development, as well as contributing to greater obesity, etc. But I claim that EVEN 15 MINUTES of viewing by an infant COULD scar a child for life!! Prove me wrong — I dare you!
See how ridiculous such a claim is?
You don’t like CIO or sleep training or whatever you want to call it. Fine. You have your opinion and you have reasons to back it up. But please don’t pretend that a LACK of research supports you, when it could just as well support the opposite view, since the research doesn’t exist.
This (and others) response is awesome. How come you don’t respond to comments that call to question the very logic of your argument?
I love this post. Basically…absence of evidence is not evidence of absence. thank you,
Because I get tired of repeating myself. I responded to numerous comments on here that call into question the logic of my argument and even wrote follow-up posts that are linked from the end of the post. I’m happy to let people who disagree with me have their say, but I don’t have time to get into an involved argument with everyone.
Excellent post. It is such an old and outdated opinion that it is ok to let them cry it out. I remember as a child when my little brother was born, I wanted to pick him up. But my grandmother (who had good intentions) stated it was the only way that babies received exercise and that it was good for them. In my naivete, I believed her. Until I met my wife, I thought this was the truth. Thanks to her I was enlightened. Thanks for the great post.
As a first-time parent, all this information and advice can get overwhelming at times. Still, I’m grateful for forums like this one where I can read about all the experience out there!
My baby is now 3 1/2 months old. I’m learning that if I pay attention to her, she’ll really show me what she needs. Right now, and from the start, that is a LOT of sleep. At first, at night, I thought I would try to do “co-sleeping” but my husband wasn’t interested in having her in the bed, so we put her in a cosleeper next to our bed. For the first 5 weeks, none of us got any more than 1-2 hours at a time. She kept waking us up with her noises, and we’d keep her up with ours. Finally we moved her next door to her nursery crib where she immediately slept 6 hours straight, and has ever since.
The thing I noticed was how much she cried those first 6 weeks. We thought it was colic, allergies, food sensitivities to my breastmilk, any and everything. Turns out it was sleep deprivation. The other thing we observed was that when she got tired, she was TIRED, and if we hadn’t already put her down at the first yawn or rub of the eye, she started to cry. I would hold her and rock her and sing to her, but as long as she was in my arms, she struggled, arched her back, and cried hysterically. So eventually I started two things: putting her down often and at the first sign of weariness; and if she got to crying and it was the “tired” cry, putting her down even though she was crying. In my arms, she’d cry for an hour. In her crib, she’d cry for 5 minutes.
Now I can put her down and if she’s a bit fussy, she’ll cry for a minute or two, never longer, and fall asleep. She soothes herself by feeling her blanket (swaddled around her) or sucking her thumb. She falls asleep great on her own! I sometimes feel as if, when she’s crying, she’s thinking, “WHY am I not asleep already?”
I haven’t researched what my method is called, all I know is that it works well for us, and we’ll keep changing and adapting as our baby grows.
We did CIO for our daughter and it only took 3 nights of crying with intermittent reassuring. Now, I haven’t personally read the research provided in this article, but I highly doubt that 3 nights of a total of 3 hours or less of crying is going to have a life long negative impact on my daughter’s psychological development; that’s just ludicrous. I cannot speak for those who tried CIO for weeks at a time, but then again, I’ve never heard of parents being that stubborn. The bottom line is all children are different, and all of them cannot be categorized by black and white with grey research. I’m not against those who co sleep or use other non CIO methods, but I don’t respect those comments that lump all CIO into one “bad” category. You know what, it worked for us and we have a very happy daughter who just started kindergarten and hasn’t had any sleep issues since those three days.
I apologize if someone has already asked this, but has it occurred to you that your absolutist view may in fact be irresponsible? I 100% co-slept with my son until he was 4 months old. At about 2.5 months old previous methods of soothing were not working and he would cry for up to an hour *in my arms*, being rocked, shushed, etc. I was at a loss of what to do so I just kept it up for a little while. One day a light bulb went on in my head that perhaps he needed to be left alone and was becoming overstimulated. Well lo and behold, as soon as I started putting him down before getting overtired (this is crucial), he would spend 5-15 minutes fussing (not shrieking, screaming, crying or choking) before going to sleep by himself. He has had an enviable sleep schedule ever since and I do not feel sorry when I see other parents coping with fussiness and brattiness issues that are rare in my son. I truly believe that my decision to move away from co-sleeping (and yes, responding to every whimper in the middle of the night, that was my second epiphany, which came later, but I won’t bore you with the details) is a big reason why my son, at 10.5 months is often very alert, interactive and funny when other kids are rubbing their eyes and clinging to their moms.
Does your argument account for examples like mine? I make a point of not pushing my own experience as I am aware that each kid is different and each parent has a different “frustration threshold.” I feel that the tone of this site may be an effective scare tactic for parents who could find a wonderful solution *for their children* in cry-it-out. I truly believe that for some kids, a slow move towards “sleep independence” at 4-6 months (I do not believe it is appropriate at an earlier age) is far more beneficial than clinging stubbornly to your principles. There may only be a bare minimum of crying involved!
Beth:
My “absolutist view” is what kept me from giving in to societal pressure, sleep deprivation, and frustration during the times when my babies were not sleeping well. It is what kept me looking for ways to meet their needs and improve their sleep. I “cling stubbornly to my principles” because I truly believe that my children will be better off and that our relationship will be stronger if I do not leave them to cry on their own.
I find it disturbing that you seem to attribute fussiness and “brattiness” to a parent’s refusal to let their child cry to sleep. Do you have any research to back that up?
I understand. And you have every right to raise your child as you see fit. I congratulate you on your success with co-sleeping and subsequent happy children! (no sarcasm) If it works, go for it!
I just wonder why you can’t adopt this attitude towards other sleep techniques and make no distinction on this website between 10 minutes of fussing to sleep and hours-long orphanage-style screaming bloody murder (which I doubt many good parents actually resort to- you can disagree with me on that one). Those 10 minutes of fussing might be the difference for some parents between a very easy baby and a not so easy (tired and frustrated) baby. Parents CAN help create sleep DISorders in *some babies* through over-solicitous nighttime parenting. I don’t need any studies to confirm what I’ve observed with my own eyes (12 month old babies who cannot nap for longer than 20 minutes). Other babies respond extremely well to co-sleeping and would not be happy any other way. This is not a black and white issue, and I don’t think it is helpful to make it one.
Beth:
Sure, there are babies who cannot nap for longer than 20 minutes. That may be partly attributed to “luck of the draw” and may also be that the parents have not done other things that could be conducive to creating a good sleep environment. I don’t see crying as part of a conducive sleep environment though. I prefer gentle methods to encouraging good sleep.
Me again.
I just realized you’ve had this argument over and over. Silly of me not to realize that. Anyway, consider it another vote for the CIO-within-reason team. Have a nice day.
PS- I find it curious that you quoted choice words in my first comment back to me. Your website is full of inflammatory language supporting your view. Please consider a slightly more balanced approach. I know what you think and it’s totally fine to think it, but this is a public website and parenting is hard enough without the gloom and doom. Isn’t everyone’s objective happy babies? I fear the stance represented by this website might lead parents to avoid doing the one thing that would make their child happier and healthier.
Beth:
Yes, I did quote some of your words back to you. I did so partially to show that I was responding directly to your comments. I also did it because I wanted to ask you about one of your assertions, but “bratty” is a term that I try to avoid using when referring to a child.
I really like this post. I see so much flaming, and I’ll admit, I’m guilty of it myself (after about 30 seconds of sleep in the past 4 months) so for that I apologize. Thanks, Beth for raising the bar. I was beginning to lose hope that there were other moms out there who just want happy babies and realize that we MUST respect each other, or we’ll end up with children who are just as hard to get along with. PhD, I see many of your points, but I find irregularities in other points, which is why I chose to co-sleep for the first 4 months of my sweetie’s life…when she started falling asleep in random places and not getting as much sleep at night with us, I chose to implement a very soft Ferber method. I’ll admit, its probably not working as well because I check on her every 5 minutes. The funny thing is…I worry more about her needs (fed, clean, warm, sleepy) more now that I have to put her down than when she just went to bed with us. In our bed, she just got whatever made me and Daddy comfy, so I almost feel more in touch with her this way. Anywho…mark me for the CIO-within-reason team, too. Best of luck. Thanks again, Beth!
How exactly does a child rationalize to themselves that a parent who leaves them alone is “cruel”…or what exactly “cruel” even is?? Is this to say that a child can recognize other kinds of “wrong” or “cruel” behavior, or is it that they are simply responding to something that is unpleasant to them? If your child suddenly didn’t like to have his diaper changed, and cried every single time you changed his diaper, would you stop changing him? No. He’d simply have to get over it. Are children emotionally scarred when they’re “wrongfully” forced into the cold world, thus making them cry? Are you trying to insinuate that children who suffer from extended spells of crying as with colic are somehow mentally or developmentally “less than” children with no colic?
None of this makes any sense. Children don’t know that something is wrong or right (hence the reason we have to raise them), they simply know if it is uncomfortable or that they don’t like it. They don’t sit and ponder why, or what the moral implications of their own actions are, much less the moral implications of their parents. If they can’t rationalize or understand that Mommy and Daddy need sleep or rest, then they can’t rationalize that Mommy and Daddy don’t love them (they don’t even know that THEY love US) and aren’t coming back. They don’t have a concept of how long they’ve been crying, either. They don’t sit and say to themselves, “Oops…its been 30 minutes”. Besides, if the real damage is done by crying, and not by simply putting a child to sleep in a room without that nifty co-sleeper you forked out $200 for, then you should be advocating whatever method gets your child to sleep with the fewest tears, EVEN if that means you use a Ferber method. You HAVE to realize that your beliefs are based on dubious psychological assumptions about the nature of a child’s psyche, and on top of that, they contradict themselves often. So much for the “phd”, huh? How does one measure the empathy levels of a 6 month old anyway?? Use your brain and stop making other moms feel bad in an effort to make yourself feel better. If you like AP that much, more power to you, and I’m happy its working for you, but that doesn’t mean you have to assume that every family and every child is just like yours and will respond similarly. For someone who advocates being “kind” and “respectful” of a child’s needs, you sure miss the mark by disrespecting the individuality of other families and assuming that your chosen method would be best for everyone.
And while you’re busy judging and harassing and scolding other mothers, and pontificating about your own greatness to the tune of a 10-point article about the merits of your chosen methods and the dangers of anyone else’s method…who was tending to your child?
And while you’re busy judging and harassing and scolding other mothers, and pontificating about your own greatness to the tune of a 10-point article about the merits of your chosen methods and the dangers of anyone else’s method…who was tending to your child?
I answered that one for you here Kim:
http://www.phdinparenting.com/2010/05/20/mothers-shouldnt-have-opinions/
Where do you answer the part about how a child rationalizes the abstract concept of cruelty to themselves? Because right now my baby is having a hard time remembering the toy she just dropped, much less a complex intangible concept like cruelty or abandonment…just saying.
I would highly recommend The Science of Parenting for information on brain research and how being left to cry impacts the child’s brain. They don’t have to understand a “complex intangible concept” in order for it to impact their brains.
Kim – it sounds like you have a lot of questions about the potentially harmful effects of CIO but you also sound so angry. The questioning part of your comment is understandable, the attacking is not. If you’d like to read about the science of attachment parenting, look into the psychology text “Becoming Attached”. It’s not a parenting book. We can’t all agree all the time, but we can be respectful. When I read the original post by PhD, I don’t find her saying, “Dear Kim, this is how you should parent”. This is her blog, her place to share her thoughts. We’re guests and the least we can do is act civilized.
I have to add that I find it disappointing that you, as well as so many others who respond, totally miss the positive message of LOVE in her posts. She is clearly making the choices she’s making out of love. Who can argue that a parent making a decision out of love, whether they let their child cry or not, is wrong? Our ability to empathize is what makes us human.
The point of all this discourse should be to learn from each other and to try to grow. This may mean stepping outside of our comfort zone to look into something we disagree with and to LISTEN to the voices of individuals who come here from so many different walks of life. When we leave here, some may incorporate the feedback of Pro-CIO parents into their routines, and some may take that of No-CIO parents. If you’d like to learn more about the No-CIO approach, why not try asking PhD or other No-CIO parents how they arrived at that choice. I think you might find it has a lot less to do with science and facts than it does about a person’s core beliefs that evolved from the thousands of tiny steps that led them through life up to this moment in time. And this goes both ways. To expect someone to see things exactly as you do would mean you would have had to carry them on your back throughout all the moments of your life. If we aren’t here to try to understand where each other is coming from, then why are we here at all? There’s way too much fighting in the world as it is.
Most of the studies that have been done on this topic say that it isn’t “crying” that is harmful but rather being “left alone to cry”. There is a difference.
Crying alone raises the stress level of a child, yes… but probably not avoidable 100% of the time. When a child is left to cry alone, however, that infant does not suddenly realize, “oh, I’m being silly…mommy and daddy are downstairs listening to me on the monitor and will come up later”. Rather, that infant eventually “gives up” and “shuts down” to conserve energy. Two different responses.
I agree that a child doesn’t understand a parent’s motives but that to me argues against CIO.
You know that you are just downstairs in a locked, secured house. You know that you will be coming back into the room later. You know that you will be feeding your baby later. You know that you have a monitor.
But your child doesn’t. All your child knows is that he or she is alone and apart from the sole source of food, warmth, security, and love.
As to your other comments, I think Annie is very clear that she is not out to label parents as individuals as “good” or “bad” parents or to tell people that they all have to parent the same way. At the same time, there is worth in the exercise of looking at research, medical and anthropological and otherwise, and discussing these things.
We are, most of us, trying to do the best we can to raise our children with our values. And posts like these come from a place of love–for children and for other parents, as well.
I linked to this on my blog! Fantastic! I couldn’t have summed it up better. Thank you!
Beautiful! I do not allow my daughter (6mos) to Cry It Out. I do let her ‘talk’ or ‘sing’ herself to sleep as long as I can tell by her tone that she is sleepy and not distraught or frightened. If her cries change to ‘needy’ or frightened I go in and reassure her that I’m still there then leave when she’s calm. She usually drifts peacefully off to sleep without a single peep while listening to music and snuggling ‘pink bear’ and sleeps 12-14hrs at night.
My $.02
I have found, for myself, that sometimes my feelings influence my baby more than I might imagine, for example the more tired I get the less I am able to conceal my frustration and anxiety at bedtime, my babe picks up on this and our efforts for a calm, effective bedtime are undermined. Taking care of myself is crucial to our sleep hygiene, and I had to break the cycle we were stuck in, but CIO has never been an option. I know this may not be an option for most people but acupuncture worked miracles for us. There are pediatric acupuncturists who specialize in babies and children, they do not use needles. After one treatment I felt like my babe had been reset and our sleep improved dramatically. Chiropractic care also helped a lot. While the specifics of what worked for us may not be relevant, I would suggest being creative and opening up your mind to the many causes and possible solutions to good sleep that do not involve CIO.
No offense but your post is full of fluff. You don’t have any research, just going by feelings and personal intuition (faith based parenting). There are so many other factors involved in parenting it’s ludicrous to suggest that one can be the reason for almost anything.
Maybe you should link these so called studies in your posts… I’m willing to be they have small sample sizes, use highly abnormal cases, or have agendas. I don’t buy the b.s. here anymore then I do an extreme CIO book… which has it’s own anecdotes and studies I might add.
You also don’t mention any downsides to attachment parenting, which there are plenty (try kicking your kid out of your bed at 4!). I personally use what I think is in the middle of the two extremes, and my kids are loved, smart, and sleep most nights like a rock.
captain_smith:
There is a list of links to the articles/studies I used at the bottom of my post.
Why would I want to kick a kid out of my bed? Attachment parenting, to me, doesn’t mean meeting my kids needs and treating them with respect for X number of months/years and then starting to treat them like crap. If I wanted my kid out of my bed at any age, it would be a gentle, respectful process, not “kicking” anyone out.
Man, you are not much of a learner are you? There have been so many good points made by people even just recently like Beth and Captain_Smith and you just find a word or phrase to camp on, using it in an attempt to discredit the actual good points they are making, and then you hardly address their good points at all. Your post IS extreme and filled with fluff. You DO NOT take healthy balance into account instead you treat every version of CIO as though it’s ‘screaming orphanage-style abandonment’. I think your post IS irresponsible and a use of ‘scare tactics’ that come from some laughable sources. You said you put your marriage couple time on hold for a COUPLE years and then you respond to Captain Smith as though at 4 you will be smiling and happy if your child is still sleeping with you every night. And the only thing you respond to is his obvious joke (although admittedly poorly chosen joke since clearly you are not the type to laugh) with the word ‘kick’. People who let their children minorly fuss and twitch and toss and turn to fall asleep (much like we do as adults!) do not love their children any less. My 4 children are amazing sleepers, and they are wonderfully secure and healthy and happy and attached to us and their siblings. We would be a miserable family if all 4 kids (ages 5 and under) were all still trying to sleep in our bed (which you clearly alluded to the fact that atleast at 4 you would probably still be allowing to happen if your child wanted). Which brings me to my last point of your irresponsibility in leading new and confused parents down your path of reasoning. When did you adapt the belief that a child knows what is best for him/herself? And at what age do you plan on changing your belief? Certainly you will not stick to your belief when your 3 year old thinks it’d be best to never eat a green veggie and always eat ice cream and candy. (Now if you dont allow them those things you are in danger of stunting their personal security by being told no right? Shouldn’t you let them do whatever they want, withholding something is not respectful to them as a person) How about when your teenager thinks it best to drink with his buddies and then drive himself home? I do not believe a child knows what is best, thats why they have parents, to parent them, coach them, teach them the ways to maneuver the world in healthy ways that will help them strive and grow up strong, safe and secure. Learning how to sleep on their own, instead of being scared to be alone, is one of those healthy habits. And I teach my children it with love and patience. If you think I used extreme examples to prove my point, you need to read your own post again.
Kmac:
1) I didn’t say we put our marriage couple time on hold for a couple of years. Although I do stay with my children when they go to sleep at night and respond to them when they need me at night, that doesn’t mean that I have to stay with them the whole time. The bed is for sleeping…the rest of the house is for “marriage couple time”.
2) I didn’t say that people who use CIO love their children less. I just think it can have unintended consequences that the “baby trainers” don’t tell parents about when they advise them to use those techniques.
3) I believe that my child is a person with needs and that especially when my child is a baby, those needs are only expressed through cries. I wouldn’t ignore my husband saying that he is lonely, hurt, hungry or scared, so why would I ignore my children when they say that? Do “children know best” – perhaps not about everything, but I plan to teach them things with love and patience – not by ignoring them or by throwing them into situations they are not ready for. Even if I did follow your logic about children not knowing best and them needing parents to parent them, in this case I am the parent and I say what is best for my kids is for them to be lovingly responded to. As they get older, I can work with them to develop the confidence to try things they might otherwise have been scared to do, but just as I don’t shove my kids down the slide at the park when they are not ready, I also do not force them to sleep alone when they are not ready.
I am glad your plan is to teach them things with love and patience. That is exactly what I told you I do, I do not ignore them or throw them into situations they are not ready for. My main frustration with your post and continued comments disregarding everything people keep saying to you is that you seem to not have a very good grip on what ACTUAL CIO-within-reason looks like. It involves the exact same ‘tending to’ that you seem to describe. OFCOURSE it is best for a child to be lovingly responded to, we have no argument there! When you say things like that you are not making a case against CIO, and it can be incredibly confusing to a parent who is trusting your post to provide them with legitimate information. It would be an irresponsible parent indeed who ignored a hungry, hurt or frightened child. I happen to know I am very much in tune to the different sounds and cries of my children, down to their slight facial twitches and squirms. I would never let my baby or child cry when something like that was wrong, but those are not the only reasons a baby would ever cry. Sometimes an overstimulated baby will cry because they NEED to not be touched any more AT ALL, sometimes an overtired baby will cry because they have been woken by other bodies and movements so often that their little bodies have not been allowed to taste the deeper levels of sleep that only come AFTER ACTIVE SLEEP which can easily be mistaken for ‘waking up and needing to be responded to’ if you’re not willing to wait a second to find out. CIO does not mean you lock the door and never respond to anything, it doesn’t even mean you can’t respond often and assure them of your presence and soothe them if they need it, and it certainly does not refer to allowing a child to become hysterical, lonely and frightened. It means with love and patience, you provide them, as they become ready, with the skill of sleeping on their own. A very valuable tool that every human being needs to learn.
I would not push my child down the slide either, I would show them the slide, I would go down it with them a couple times, I would hold their hand as they went down on their own, I would catch them at the bottom and I would cheer and be attentive as they learned this skill. Even if one time they felt a quick leap in their tummy that might have startled them for a second, I’d assure them it was okay, and normal, maybe take a few steps backwards in the progress till they got confident again, and keep at it. But I wouldn’t keep them from the slide all together. Think of all the wonderful joys and benefits I, as the wise adult who knows much more about the world, would be with-holding from them by not helping them learn. I guess our differing opinion comes mostly in when we think a child is ready, so I challenge the research that has brought you to think that it can not be a skill they comfortably and safely learn when they are babies and toddlers. Just as I would challenge someone who told me that a 4 year old can not possibly be ready to go down a slide on their own and to try to teach them to do so might expose them to harmful anxiety and abandonment issues for the rest of their life.
For the record, I am yet another vote for the CIO within-reason team, and unless your 6 and 3 year old are still sleeping with you every night, or never shed one single tear of protest at whatever point you attempted a transition into their own beds, I think you might actually be one too. We’re just disagreeing on timing and when there’s no credible research to tell me otherwise, I choose to help them learn, with love and patience, from the beginning. I don’t like to switch the ways of the world up on my kids when they get too big for my bed.
Every single version of CIO involves leaving a baby to cry, alone, for a specified interval, whether that interval starts at 5 minutes and increases by 5 minutes each night or is until the child collapses and falls asleep. If you are not leaving your child to cry alone, you are not “crying” “it” “out”.
It is in the very title of the method.
On the other hand, attachment parenting is NOT permissive parenting or helicopter parenting or anything like that. It is being responsive to and respectful of a child’s developmentally appropriate needs to build a healthy attachment.
No one building a healthy attachment suddenly changes their parenting around completely at a specified date…we don’t wait to teach children ways to soothe until they are four. What we do is gradually introduce, model, and help a child learn these ways from the start. In the beginning, babies need their parents for everything but eventually they learn object permanence and know you are nearby, they learn to sing to themselves, they grow attached to special plush animals, or can ” read” books to help themselves fall asleep… all techniques learned from their parents.
Of course babies cry, some more than others…attachment parenting doesn’t seek to end all tears, it seeks to nurture strength and independence through guidance and love. And it means that if a child cries, the parent is there to help guide the child.
Kmac:
My 6 year old doesn’t sleep with us. He was never left alone at night until he was comfortable doing so. We gave him reassurances and said we’d just be in the next room. At first, he wasn’t okay with that, so we stayed. But eventually, he was okay with it and drifted off to sleep on his own.
Our 3 year old does still sleep with us. A few times recently she has said that she wants to go to sleep on her own. She tries it for a bit, but eventually ends up calling for me and I do go to her. The time will come when she is ready.
What I want to know is the quality of sleep that co-sleepers get. I am more concerned for my daughter’s life than her need/want to snuggle and nurse 5 times a night. I have never allowed my child to sleep with me for even one second. One wrong move and it would be a decision I’d regret for the rest of my life. My daughter slept in a bassinet in my room til she was 3 months old. At which point I was back to work and exhausted. I moved her to her own room and gently taught her to sleep there on her own. Within a month she was sleeping 10-12hrs at night. Now at 6.5 months she sleeps 12hrs at night and takes a 4hr nap in the afternoon. All in her crib. All without CIO. She lays down hugs her bear and goes to sleep. While in a completely different room, comfortable in our own bed my husband and I enjoy a full nights sleep. Free from worry over suffocating our child. Free from being peed on and puked on in our own bed. And free from shockingly strong feet to the kidneys. Our daughter is happy and safe in her own crib. And yes, occasionally, wakes up & ‘talks’ to herself or even cries but I only go to her if she sounds frightened or hungry. Parents need rest to be good parents and they can’t get rest when they have school age children that cannot put themselves to sleep and/or stay asleep. Allowing my daughter to sleep in her own room in her own bed has been so beneficial to the whole family that if we have another child he/she will never sleep in our room at all. I firmly believe that my daughter would have slept through the night earlier had she been in her own room sooner.
Niasmama:
My quality of sleep with my babies was good because I was co-sleeping. Neither of them was able to sleep well on their own. They woke up at least every hour when they were on their own, sometimes more often. Co-sleeping was initially a survival technique for us, but as I learned more about the benefits of co-sleeping, it also became an important lifestyle choice. Parents who choose to co-sleep should educate themselves about co-sleeping safety, but as long as they do that and as long as there are not other risk factors pregnant (alcohol use, drug use, smoking, etc.), then co-sleeping is just as safe as crib sleeping.
I’m surprised that if you are so concerned about not taking any risks whatsoever to your baby’s life that you would be willing to have your next baby sleep in a separate room. Research has shown that having the baby sleep in the same room as the parents (as long as they are not smokers), decreases the risk of SIDS.
I just wanted to add to this that what you are doing right now is working (right now) without any need to for crying it out. If your 6 month old child sleeps along happily without CIO, that’s wonderful. Every child is different. I would add every child is different at every month.
I have a 4 year old, a 2 year old, and another on the way…my bit of friendly advice, one mother to another, is that you will be surprised how much they change from month to month and how different two children can be. Rather than predetermining what you will do in the future, just continue to trust the instincts that seem to have served you well so far.
A few things you may or may not find…your mileage may, of course, vary:
* Your child may go through a separation anxiety stage (usually somewhere around 8-12 months_ where you will have to decide whether or not you are willing to CIO to maintain this arrangement. My first daughter slept much better alone until about 15 months, at which point she slept much better with us until about 22 months, at which point she slept much better alone again.
* You so not mention if you are breastfeeding. If you do breastfeed, personally I find it much easier to have my infant nearby. I get MUCH more sleep that way.
* Allowing a baby or a toddler into bed with you is not dangerous. Certainly not with a 6 month old. Unless you are on some serious medication, you will not suffocate your six month old child.
* What you did seems to have worked very well (up to this point), so why wouldn’t you repeat it? An infant is safer near the parents…even the pediatric association agrees with this despite their ridiculous stance against co-sleeping.
* When your 3 or 4 year old is sick, regardless of whether or not he or she is used to sleeping alone, he or she will try to crawl into bed with you or ask that you crawl into his or her bed. Unless you are willing to refuse that comfort to a sick child, you *will* be puked/peed on several times at night during your parenthood. And even if you do draw a line at sharing the bed, you will still be woken in the night, go to the kid’s bedside, and get puked on. I can almost guarantee this.
There is no avoiding puke, no matter your parenting style. It is a commonality we can all bond over.
My school age kids sleep just fine in their own room & put themselves to sleep & then put themselves back to sleep when they wake up (since EVERYONE wakes up at night occasionally, not just babies). And *gasp* I never once had to spend a single minute “teaching” them how to. They just did it. When they were ready. & until then I was/am happy to nurse them to sleep.
I have to say you’re incredibly lucky that you have an easy going baby. I hope if you have another you get that lucky again. Some of us weren’t that lucky though and it was a choice between co-sleeping or never sleeping (or CIO, but that was never an option with a newborn for me, & shouldn’t be for anyone). My 2nd & 3rd babies probably would be have slept ok separately from me, but by then neither my husband nor I considered not co-sleeping an acceptable option. My quality of sleep is great, thanks, even though I’m not one of those lucky women who can nurse while sleeping. My oldest was a really horrible sleeper & was awake every hour or so, but my youngest was sleeping about 5 hours at a time most night from birth. They stir, I wake up, gradually, without being startled out of a sound sleep, I close my eyes & relax while I nurse them back to sleep, then roll over & crash out again without having to try to transfer a sleeping baby to a crib without waking them.
My intent was not to sound malicious. Yes, I breastfeed exclusively. I always put my darling down sleepy but awake, turn music on and leave the room. If she cries I listen to see if its her scared or hungry cry or if its just the ‘yayaya’ noise that indicates sleep is moments away. If she is frightened or hungry I tend to her. She gets really excited when she sees her bed because she’s tired and her bed means sleep. I am terrified of co-sleeping! My boobs are H/I so I can’t let go of them while nursing due to risk of nipple damage and/or suffocating the baby. Its easier now but when she was a newborn my breasts were so large that she could (and did)become trapped under them. Also my husband suffers from night terrors and we are both overweight. Our bed is just a dangerous place for our baby. I nurse the baby in bed in the morning and its our very special time because I work 3-11 and my husband works 11-7 so around 8:30 is magical at our house. I nurse the baby while she hold her daddy’s hand then we read, talk and listen to music for about an hour before daddy has to go to sleep. And yes, we realize how very very blessed we are to have such a good baby. We often joke that we’re afraid to have another baby because you can’t win the lotto twice
My breasts are an I cup and I’ve never had a problem cosleeping or nursing and I, too, have to use a c-hold every. time. I. nurse. It doesn’t disturb my sleep too much. In fact, I sleep better than I have ever before in my life.
Just saying, huge boobies and severe ptosis haven’t made cosleeping even slightly a problem for us
My decision not to use it is based on the fact that I never even heard of it until my girlfriend talked about her pediatrician telling her mother to just “leave her to cry” when she would cry at night, telling her mother that she only cried because she was overstimulated and needed to be left alone. This girl is a mess as an adult. I stopped at least one suicide attempt, she sees sleep as the hell to avoid at all costs (to the point that one night, she got a total of 2 hours of sleep and crashed her van into a telephone pole) and when she does sleep, it’s so deep that she couldn’t be roused without extreme measures. She would fill her bed with crap (books, pillows, anything she could find to fill half of it) in a desperate attempt to feel less alone at night.
That’s what CIO did to her. I would be an utter failure as a parent if I did that to my child. I didn’t know the connection until later when I found out what CIO does to the brain when I had my first baby. I also learned then what it did to me–and I was only left to CIO occasionally and as a toddler. I have adult separation anxiety and abandonment complex and had severe sleeping disorders for the vast majority of my life. I also have serious trust issues.
“CIO is harmless” my ass.
Oh come on, this is just embarrassing. Phdinparenting, please tell me even you are going to step in on this one. Yes Heather, you and your friend sound like you have real and severe issues. But CIO is the reason your friend is suicidal, crashed her van into a pole and hoards junk in her bed?? I really can’t even bare to write anymore, it’s just silly. Atleast before the discussion was somewhat intellectual.
Kmac:
I think it is probably a combination of things. Different people are wired differently. Some people seem to have extremely resilient brains and can survive anything and come out okay, whether that is CIO or something even worse. Other people have more fragile brains and I do think that something like the decision to CIO or not CIO can contribute to their mental health or lack thereof.
I tried the CIO route twice with my 10 month old son. Each time we experienced the “hours-long orphanage-style screaming bloody murder” ridiculed by Beth a few months ago. My son was never a good sleeper, but we thought he’d grow out of it. At 8 months old he instead hit a huge sleep regression and suddenly began getting up every hour, often staying awake for an hour at a time. We tried crying it out then, and then again at 10 months when things had continued to deteriorate. We never thought it was a great idea, but my husband was against co-sleeping and we both work full time, and we were starting to come apart at the seams. Each time we had the same results. My son screamed ALL NIGHT LONG. He didn’t drop off into a deep sleep. Sometimes he’d pass out for 15 minutes, but he’d wake right back up and keep screaming, like he was being stabbed. We did the reassurance checks, but they seemed to make it worse, as he didn’t understand why we wouldn’t pick him up and comfort him. The next day he wasn’t happy and rested, he was terrified of his room and of sleep in general, and he’d have hysterics when he started getting sleepy — which was all the time, since he wasn’t sleeping at night. The second time we tried we hoped he’d be better able to handle it because he was older. Nothing changed, except he ended up vomiting all over himself. We then acknowledged that this wasn’t helping anyone, and decided to do whatever it took to keep our son calm and happy.
It’s taken a few weeks to repair the damage we did to his sleep by attempting to cry it out. He was so scared at first that he wouldn’t let us put him down at all. He is slowly getting comfortable with the idea that we’ll come when he calls now, and his calls are correspondingly less urgent, if not less frequent. We’ve also starting co-sleeping for the second half of the night. It’s not perfect, and our son still wakes up the same amount next to us, but we can get him back to sleep much faster. We don’t love co-sleeping, our son is very mobile and wakes us up all night and since he currently prefers his mommy for comfort, it means I’m effectively the sole parent on duty at night, when previously my husband and I would switch off every other night.
Note that I’m not at all anti-CIO. I know lots of people whose children only cried for a half an hour the first night, 15 minutes the second, and not at all after that. However, not every kid is built that way. Even Ferber (I have read ALL the sleep books in an attempt to help our situation) acknowledges that some kids get worse with CIO instead of better. Now we’re letting our son lead the way, and just seeing what calms him down and keeps him feeling safe and helps him get some much-needed sleep. We can only hope that this will help him get back to better sleep patterns over the next few months.
Meanwhile, most of the people we know have told us, nicely or otherwise, that they’re sure we just did it “wrong,” and if we’d just keep going with the CIO, it would sooner or later work…. I really wish people would just stop pretending they know our kid and can tell us what works for him!
I feel for you. My daughter was (and is) a very intense child. At some points co-sleeping “worked” (as in it resulted in more sleep) and at some points it didn’t (as in she was too overstimulated being in bed with us and would try to climb the walls). We were very gradually able to nudge her towards more independence at night. For us, making sure she had the right amount of nap time was critical. Also, using some of Pantley’s suggestions for gradually encouraging the child to require less and less parental comfort to fall asleep were mostly helpful (as in some days some of the techniques seemed to get her to go to sleep faster and stay asleep long). In the end, a lot of it was just growth. As she got older and was able to talk through her feelings with us, it got a lot easier. Other things got harder, of course, but the bedtime is much, much easier. There’s hope!
Good evening,
I would like to preface my comments with the knowlege that I am the only parent in my group of friends who hasnt committed to a CIO method and my friends have great kids and they are good parents.
I personally am a working mother and feel that AP is the best thing for my child. He, like the single mom’s baby, wants to be breast fed to sleep many nights-lately every night. I work at least fourty hours a week and my commute totals an hour and a half a day on average.
My husband takes part in our bedtime routine as much as he can, maybe less than he could-but he tries so I can’t say I know what it’s like to be a single parent.
BUT! What I appreciate about this post is that it brings together points from multiple sources, some which i have read, some I haven’t, but most importantly, I feel better about my choice not to use CIO thus far and confirms that my afternoon nap effort was flawed because of the CIO attempt. This afternoon for my son’s nap, I attempted to let him cry. I let him cry 12 minutes in his crib. I was five feet away reading online about CIO methods…
When I returned to his room, he was in such a state that it broke my heart and made me ask what was so important that he cry inconsolably in his crib without understanding why I’m not coming to him? I don’t believe he has me trained any more than I can train him- he’s a human being, inteligent with feelings. If he didn’t have feelings that were important, he could live for more than a few days without human contact at birth. I think human intellect is a powerful point. I believe he is learning as babies do, at his own pace. One day, he will wake up and be able to fall back asleep knowing I’m just down stairs, and I will come if he needs me. And that will make him feel safe and secure.
I have endured a NICU stay the first five days of his life and I made it through spinal fusion surgery when he was ten weeks old. I suppose I feel like every minute counts. I lost six days and nights with him durring my maternity leave before he was even three months old.
Another thing: there is something called pre-verbal memory. I had it. I have several memories from before I was three years of age. One in particular, crying in my crib – for a blanket with the silky nylon binding if you know what type I am talking about.. Well my parents didn’t know what to do with me. I couldn’t talk but I pointed to the livingroom where I knew my blanket was. After a while (probably a long while) my parents put me in the basement in a safe seat on the table in the laundry room. They claim they don’t remember doing anything like this. But I remember my dad coming down to get me, his shaddow coming down the stairs looked like something from “where the wild things are” He had long hair and a long beard. I was a baby though I remember this vividly. My parents – especially my Dad, cringe when I tell this and other stories because they remember them well and it frightens them that I remember things from such a young age.
I find it difficult to believe that letting a child cry it out could do NO harm. My parents were not perfect but I know they loved me. They didn’t beat me, they didn’t do drugs in front of me, they just were ill informed and lacking in support or cooperation from anyone around them or each other…
I will hold my Son when he needs me, and thank you for stating a case for children. We all need love and compassion, we’re all a child of someone. I need to be held sometimes. Don’t you?
You know, as a new parent I marvel at the controversy and intensity of parenting advice and theories in our country. At times it seems ridiculous and at other times it seems to reflect the intense myopia of American life. My 8 month old is a terrible sleeper and my partner and I are totally exhausted. Am I going to be the perfect parent under these circumstances? No. Am I going to make it worse torturing myself over every decision, re: no-cry, CIO, etc. Definitely. You just do your best, try different things, figure out what works reasonably well, and try to make it through these first three years without getting clinically depressed from exhaustion. Our country doesn’t support mothers with paid maternity leave or free childcare; and yet, we are tormenting ourselves over these different parenting philosophies. Sometimes I’m frustrating that there’s this big breach in our generational supports so that the same advice my mother went on doesn’t work for me. I feel without guidance and adrift; surfing the net and finding sites like this one with 251 comments arguing for or against CIO. Then I try to remember that there are bigger things going on in our world, like the intense problems of global climate change, for one thing. Will my kid be damaged by our first year of sleep debacles? Maybe. Are there bigger fish to fry in terms of things that will damage him, i.e. lack of health care in our country, environmental degradation, etc. YES. So, let’s all try to keep this in perspective a little bit.
Do you even know what Crying It Out really is? You seem to think it is completely ignoring (and many do) your baby when he or she cries when you put them down.
Crying It Out involves:
1. Do something comforting (whatever the baby likes, warm baths are typical).
2. After you make sure all needs are met (full belly, changed diaper), set the baby down.
3. If the baby cries, wait five minutes and walk in. Stroke the baby but do not pick he or she up.
4. If the baby continues to cry, wait another five. Continue not picking the baby up.
5. If the baby continues to cry, increase the time (not by a lot, a couple of minutes or so) in which you check in on the baby.
I got my baby a stuffed toy that plays six minutes of soothing music. IF the baby cries at all, it takes maybe thirty seconds for the music to calm him down. Six minutes later he is out. If you do something like this, it is preferable.
P.S. To you parents who have read this article, don’t let these people persuade you. If you NEED YOUR SLEEP, try Crying It Out. It is NOT damaging to your child…what CAN BE is if you let lack of sleep pile on lack of sleep. If you let that happen (especially if you have stress in your life, E.G. if you are an Army Wife), you might hurt the baby. This happens WAY too often…don’t let the baby completely rule your sleep cycle. If you need sleep, try Crying It Out, no matter what this article says. Your baby WILL BE FINE, not traumatized for the rest of his or her life. (BTW we tried Crying It Out….our baby is the damn happiest baby you could ever see).
My first baby was born while my husband was in Iraq. She was colicky AND had a heart condition that required open heart surgery when she was three months.
Yes, lack of sleep can be damaging to you and your relationship to the baby–but using more gentle methods of getting the baby to sleep does not necessarily mean you will get less sleep than if you cry it out.
“Cry It Out” is quite explicit in its very name–the baby cries until the baby no longer resists sleep. The “experts” who recommend CIO describe programs that are more similar to this definition than yours.
You can call what you are doing whatever you like but it is hardly fair to attack “these people” for taking those who developed the method at their word.
There are some CIO “expert” advocates who recommend what is called “graduated extinction”…getting past the ickiness of the name, it is a CIO alternative that has you go in every 5 minutes the first night or nights, 10 minutes the next set of nights, 15 minutes, and so on.
The idea behind this is that if you go in every 5 minutes every night, the baby learns that crying for 5 minutes brings you. Gradually increasing the interval means the baby doesn’t have this set goal.
While I would tend to agree (on gut instinct, not any medical science) that 5 minutes of crying isn’t going to harm a child who after a night or two of this goes right to sleep, most parents who are “resorting” to some form of CIO probably have more intense/sensitive/callitwhateveryoulike babies…which means that parent is looking at many nights of this. This seems like a lot less sleep than I got teaching my children to sleep by attending to their needs and then gradually reducing the amount of comfort I offered.
Regardless, every 5 minutes, gradually increasing intervals, leaving the child to cry until the child stops, this isn’t what we chose to do.
We did not do this because everything in my mother’s instinct, millennia of cultural and biological history, and what little medical research there is argues against it.
While I do not think it is fair to extrapolate from one study of a Romanian orphanage where babies were neglected that an otherwise loving parent is “damaging” to a child, there are some things that are clear fact-based.
Extended crying produces a stress reaction. This has chemical effects on the body and brain.
Infants are not aware that a parent they cannot see is in the next room. This sort of object permanence does not develop until 8-12 months.
Kat, that sounds like a lot of work and not a lot of sleep.
1. lay down with baby
2. lift up your shirt, latch baby on
3. sleep
Granted, your CIO method is one of the better ones, but still a lot of work for parents whose baby does not eventually start falling asleep in a few minutes like yours. I know parents who tried that method and had to do that “every 5 minutes” thing for an hour. THAT leaves a parent sleep deprived and thinking that maybe they should just leave the baby to cry for longer, 10 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour…… then it absolutely is traumatic. And even this more gentle method you are describing still teaches the baby that their need, the reason they are crying, be it loneliness or hunger or thirst, is not important and will not be responded to.
“Author: Kat
Comment:
Do you even know what Crying It Out really is? You seem to think it is completely ignoring (and many do) your baby when he or she cries when you put them down.
Crying It Out involves:
1. Do something comforting (whatever the baby likes, warm baths are typical).
2. After you make sure all needs are met (full belly, changed diaper), set the baby down.
3. If the baby cries, wait five minutes and walk in. Stroke the baby but do not pick he or she up.
4. If the baby continues to cry, wait another five. Continue not picking the baby up.
5. If the baby continues to cry, increase the time (not by a lot, a couple of minutes or so) in which you check in on the baby.
I got my baby a stuffed toy that plays six minutes of soothing music. IF the baby cries at all, it takes maybe thirty seconds for the music to calm him down. Six minutes later he is out. If you do something like this, it is preferable.
P.S. To you parents who have read this article, don’t let these people persuade you. If you NEED YOUR SLEEP, try Crying It Out. It is NOT damaging to your child…what CAN BE is if you let lack of sleep pile on lack of sleep. If you let that happen (especially if you have stress in your life, E.G. if you are an Army Wife), you might hurt the baby. This happens WAY too often…don’t let the baby completely rule your sleep cycle. If you need sleep, try Crying It Out, no matter what this article says. Your baby WILL BE FINE, not traumatized for the rest of his or her life. (BTW we tried Crying It Out….our baby is the damn happiest baby you could ever see).”
What a wonderful post! I find it interesting that the advocates of “cry it out” have no problem telling others why they, too, should do it. Finally, I have some supportive information and research to offer the next time that happens!
Then mothers like me will show you their healthy, happy babies who HAVE done CIO.
“You’re telling me this is a traumatized child?”, they will say to you as the baby tries for the umpteenth time to eat their hair, their phone, or whatever is in their reach, looking undeniably happy to do so.
I just have to say something. How about the first day you bring your babies home, put them in their cribs not in your room. I did that and used a baby monitor and never had a problem. We did have to use the CIO method for 15 mins no more and he was not screaming he was more like whining. This is at 10 months old when he would climb out of his crib(well try to). We had to convert his crib into a toddler bed and he was just not used to it the first night. I disagree with the bad stuff about it. My son and I are VERY close. I did it one time and never had to do it again. My son has no social or developmental delays and is VERY smart. Every child is different and every parent knows their child. There is a difference if your child is screaming and you leave them screaming for 3 hours. I wouldnt do it more than 15-20 mins. Sounds like these moms need to get a routine and stick with it and PUT THEM IN THEIR OWN CRIBS! Now I can see a co sleeper or bassinet next to a bed but dont bring them into bed with you.
Thank you so much for posting this. As I read this I felt validation for every instinct I had when dealing with my son’s sleeping issues. My husband and I do not believe in crying it out and we have gotten so much flack from people because of it. Well-meaning friends and family members have made us feel as though we are letting our son “get over” on us because we don’t leave him to cry alone in the dark. We go to him when he cries. We are not as well-rested as some parents we know, but we feel good about our decision. Our son is a happy baby who isn’t anxious or afraid of strangers. We think he is so secure simply because he knows he can always count on us to be there when he needs us. We have friends who let their kids CIO, and have had to do it over and over after developmental milestones, teething or vacations. It just seems pointless to me, not to mention that their children are not nearly as confident and self-assured as our son is. We really attribute that to the fact that we respond when he calls. Everyone has the right to raise their child in the manner they wish (within reason, of course!), but we know what works for us.
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I think the big point being overlooked here, by both sides of the argument, is that what works for one kid does not always work for another kid. I know lots of kids for whom CIO worked with a minimum of fussing, and they are doing great. I would never claim that CIO uniformly was a bad decision. Unfortunately it DID traumatize our kid, and it took him months to recover. Claiming that this did not happen or that we “did it wrong” is no more fair than it is to claim that all kids who have experienced CIO must be traumatized, even if you can’t see it. It’s a pity that so many parents are so wedded to their own experiences that they can’t acknowledge that child-rearing isn’t one-size-fits-all.
I would like to know where the studies that support these conclusions exist. Please provide references. Also, just because that is how you feel does not make it true, let alone “science”. Science is the TESTING OF A HYPOTHESIS. Please explain how these hypotheses were tested. In one crib was a baby left to cry and in another crib a baby soothed and brain changes measured? If so how were all other variables controlled? i.e. genetics? prenatal care? etc! Lets not call personal feelings science as it confuses people. If there is science that backs up any of these claims it should be cited.
Ok, so it’s a great article, but I’ve always been taught if you have certain views and are wanting to express them, you should be able to provide “solutions”. I have a 9.5 month daughter — we have been trying cry it out method, per our doctors orders, since she randomly decided she hated her pacifier. My daughter has never been a baby you could “rock” to sleep — I can OCCASSIONALY get her to sleep with a bottle if she is EXHAUSTED, but I can’t just hold her and rock away…. She used to sleep wonderful, when she had a pacifier. There are no medical issues…teething is most likely culprit as when teeth emerged, pacifier stopped. So, in your article, your against what my doctor recommended, and honestly, I’m not for it either. I hate it! Plus, it’s suppose to get “better” over days/weeks — we’ve done it over a month and she still cries over an hour… so, suggestions?
And, yes, I have a bedtime routine – she has white noise, night light, etc… we do lavender bath, yadayayada — the whole nine yards… we tried increasing bottle oz, but nothing works…. so, if you can’t rock a baby and cry it out doesn’t work…what do you do?
Natalie:
If you look right before the sources at the bottom of the article, you will see:
Do you need some gentle sleep tips? See Gentle Baby and Toddler Sleep Tips
As Annie mentioned, she has a post with tips…but there are lots of tips out there for “gentle” sleep methods and, as you say, you’ve tried it all.
I don’t mean this in a snarky way because I was there, too. My first, a girl, was a “high needs” baby and colicky as an infant, had reflux, and also was a very stubborn toddler. I’m sure you really have tried pretty much everything.
A few things: you may have tried it all but have you tried all of those things recently? And possibly in combination with several other techniques?
For example, my daughter did not sleep well in bed with us…until she was about 14 months. Then we co-slept for about four months, at which point she was back in her own bed all night for a while. My point is that something that seems to not work at all will suddenly work and then will suddenly stop working.
Another thing to watch is whether you tried something consistently for at least four days, maybe even a week. Some things won’t work the first time, or even the first two or three times, and then suddenly you and the baby fall into a rhythm.
Also, sometimes things work in combination. If you find a combo that works, you can gradually dial back things.
Remember, ultimately, it is all a stage. Nothing may work for a few weeks during teething or learning to crawl or learning to walk. But the key is to parent in a way that is consistent with your own values … because all this will pass eventually and what will be left is your relationship with your children and how you feel about what happened.
We went through a few challenging stages with my now 4.5 year old daughter…and she outgrew them all and she sleeps in her own bed all night.
My other advice is can you get someone trustworthy, who will attempt to follow your wishes, to watch the baby for a night? Even if the baby cries in that other person’s arms–if you can get one night of really good sleep, you might be better able to address the sleep issues!
In response to Natalie:
When CIO failed for our child, we first tried to make our son (then 10 months old) feel safe again, hoping this would soothe him back from his 8 or more wakings a night (which he began around 7-8 months) to the 1-2 wakings per night he’d had previously. Didn’t work, nor did co-sleeping. He woke just as much, but suddenly my husband and I were taking shifts sleeping in the guest room so one of us could function each day.
When he was 12 months, we broke down and hired a sleep consultant. She told us that she’d encountered many kids like mine, who simply were extremely frightened being left alone and stubborn enough to keep screaming til someone came, even if it took all night. She recommended that we use a version of the Baby Whisperer’s pick up/put down method. With that, after you have your bedtime routine with your child, you get him comfy and sleepy and then put him in his crib, awake. Of course he starts screaming and jumps up, wanting to be held. You pick him up and lay him back down, talking soothingly to him, and rubbing his back to let him know you’re there. You don’t take him out of the crib unless he’s extremely upset, and then you put him back in, awake, once he’s comforted and calmed down. For us, this approach worked. Though he screamed and was seriously pissed off at us, he wasn’t terrified like he had been with CIO. With CIO he NEVER fell asleep, all night long, though we made routine checks back to him every 5-15 minutes. With the pick up/put down method, he was mad and sulky, but fell asleep the first night after about 90 minutes, the second night after 45 minutes, and the third night after 15 minutes.
For us, the problem hadn’t been getting him to sleep, but getting him to stop his hourly night wakings. This worked as well for that problem, though it took a couple of weeks to stop the night wakings. Once he understood that the rules had changed, that we would come when he called and we wouldn’t leave him alone but that he WOULD fall asleep in his crib and not in our arms,he started actually doing it, and learning how to put himself back to sleep. This approach was easier on us, too, as we were in there with him and able to do what we could to comfort him, and see for ourselves that he was ok. You’re supposed to eventually be able to say goodnight to him and leave him alone and awake in the crib, where he will then fall asleep, but that hasn’t happened for us, we still need to be in the room til he falls asleep.
For several months he was routinely sleeping through the night. Now at 18 months, after two back to back trips where his sleeping was messed up, we’re having to go through some of the “training” again. But again, he’s mad at us, but not frightened, which makes it doable.
Hope that helps, for providing a more “concrete” plan for an alternative to CIO!
Wow! This has been quite a debate which I arrived at late. But I can’t leave without comment.
Thank you to all the parents who so bravely spoke out for sleep training. All of your posts demonstrated that you made informed choices to sleep train your children from a place of love. I don’t believe that the form of CIO that this blog entry speaks to would be used or promoted by any healthy, functional parent. This is likely why it upset and offended so many of us. Finally, Sigh: I, too, wish you had a blog:)
I attempted a quick CIO spell and it was clear it wouldn’t work. My son, like your daughter, wouldn’t go for it. He would only fall aslep nursng or with bottle he is now 18 mo and we just stopped nursing and still needs a bottle at bed time. I tried several book for sleep training but we quickly realizeda family bed was all that worked. I look at it as, these years will be gone before we know it. When I read the book” Three in a bed” it cemented our decision. It works for us. I don’t think its for everyone but its working for us. Its the only way we all sleep. Keep in mind, not all babies are easy at bedtime. My son still wakes once or twice a night.
I am glad I found this post you wrote a few years ago. My daughter is almost 9 months, we co-sleep, and she wakes up once a night and sometimes more. I alway have people telling me to just let her cry and she will sleep the night. However, I am not comfortable with that and do not believe that will make her sleep all night. Now what is happening, is my husband is questioning why we do not let her cry and this makes me very upset. So I just finished reading him this post and he said: “so I guess we are not doing the CIO method, eh?” My response: “Nope!” Thanks for sharing this! It helped me avoid a small argument with my husband!
First off, I think this article is awesome! You hit the nails right on the head. I will never for the life of me understand why people are so willing to have children and yet so unwilling to be decent parents! There is simply nothing okay about neglecting your children, and it’s sad that CIO isn’t more readily recognized for what it is – infant neglect! Sure it can be hard to be there for their every need – but guess what, parenting is hard!
I’d never heard of CIO until I had a child. I never have used CIO. I agree with ten reasons against it. Also, I think back to our days as more “primitive” peoples, when a baby cried, predators would be alerted and that spells danger. CIO would not have worked eons ago, so we’re not meant to CIO. Babies cry for a REASON. Ignoring it is pure cruelty. I enjoy my “mamas boy” baby thank you very much
Everyone, even strangers, comments how happy he is. When he cries, I’m there asap to try and remedy it and comfort him.
I find it ironic that parents who think CIO is in the best interest of their child leave their baby to sob themselves to sleep, then walk down the hall to their bedroom where they are most likely sleeping with someone else.
I’m not a woman yet who is looking to have a child, however I am very interested in child development. I don’t think I would ever feel comfortable allowing my child to cry it out in order for it to fall asleep, but when I think of this topic I always remember one story of someone I know of whose partner and himself co-slept as an entire family, and the children never wanted to stop co-sleeping. By the time they were between 5 and 7 mum, dad and the 2 kids were still all tucked into the same bed and the parents were trying to figure out how they could encourage their children to stop cosleeping. I definitely wouldn’t want to find myself in such a situation (that my now growing child rarely if ever spends one night on his own in bed) and I wander if co-sleeping instead of allowing baby to cry it out causes the child to never break away from that night time comfort. Is there a solution to this possibility that still allows for a parent to not go the CIO route?
Your thoughts are appreciated.
Candice:
Yes, there are many approaches.
The one that I like the most is waiting until the child is old enough to understand reason, express fears and have a conversation. At that point, I think you can discuss options with the child. What has worked for a lot of families is to gradually move towards having the child sleep on their own. Move from lying down with them to sitting on the edge of the bed. Then move to sitting in a chair in the room. Then move to sitting outside their room. Then move to agreeing to stay on the same floor of the house while they fall asleep. Then eventually being able to say goodnight and walk out. That approach can usually be used successfully with toddlers or preschoolers.
For parents who wait longer, once a child is able to read, giving them permission to read to themselves (or listen to audio books) after you have tucked them in is another option. That way, if they are not yet tired, they are not just lying alone in the dark.
There are many other ideas in books like the No Cry Sleep books by Elizabeth Pantley too. What works really depends on the family and on the children.
OK that’s great, thanks for the info, I will get my hands on a No Cry Sleep book.
I think from an evolutionary perspective letting a baby cry it out seems really unnatural, I don’t know of any mammal in the wild or even a tribe who leaves their vulnerable young entirely on their own, not to mention the noise of a crying baby that all predators would hear and come racing towards. (That thought comes to mind because I’ve been learning about human evolution lately).
Interesting topic. I hadn’t heard much about CIO before I became a parent; however, in my psychology training, one of the first things we were taught in terms of children and independence, is how important and valuable it is to assist children with sleeping independently. This is where the art and science of parenting coexist, I guess. Because to me, it made perfect sense to encourage independence in terms of sleeping independently, but I was never a big fan of CIO. My philosophy was to prevent having to ever use CIO at all by creating sleeping habits from the very beginning. So, from birth, I had my daughter (now 4) sleep independently. Her bassinet was by my bed until she was 4 months old, and then we moved her to her own room. She always went to sleep on her own. She never cried about it. As a newborn I stayed with her and patted her till she fell asleep. By 2 months, I created a sleep routine that included a bedtime story (yes to a 2 month old) and then just put her in her bed. She learned very quickly to sleep on her own. She’s had some periods of time when sleeping thru the night has been a challenge and I have ALWAYS gone to check on her and make sure she was ok. During the separation anxiety period, for 6 months we had to stay in the room with her till she fell asleep. After the 6th month, I felt she was ready to move past this and encouraged her to sleep on her own (she was about 17 months). She cried briefly the first night (about 5 minutes) and then after that night, she cried about 30 seconds the following night, then not at all. As a toddler, she went thru a period of waking up in the middle of the night and coming in my room to sleep with me. We then set a rule that she can only come in when it’s light outside and for the most part that has worked. As a preschooler now, she sometimes has nightmares and comes in to my room. When this happens, it’s about 50/50 on whether I will take her back to her room and assist her with going to sleep, or just let her sleep with me. LOL…but I am comfortable with the fact that more than 90% of the time she sleeps in her won bed at night and 100% of the time she is able to go to bed without any trouble and can put herself to sleep. What I have noticed about some parents I know who have co-slept with their kids, is the difficulty they then have when trying to get their kids to sleep independently. Many then either resort to CIO or don’t sleep well themselves because they have toddlers or older children sleeping with them. I think, as in all aspects of parenting, you have to do what feels right to you in your gut…what your intuition tells you makes sense for you. There is definitely a psychology behind independent sleeping; however, exactly how you get there (and maybe when) may be debatable.
One thing I would like to bring up is that parents who “co-sleep” include both those who co-slept intentionally, from the beginning…and those who did it because they had very fussy babies and co-sleeping was the best way for the whole family to get rest.
So, within your sample of parents you know who co-slept, you may have a few who did so out of necessity–and therefore have children who resisted sleep from the start.
I don’t think you can “prevent” a child who has difficulty falling asleep alone by never sharing sleep space. You were just blessed with a child who slept well.
I have three children and the first was colicky and intense…the second mellow and easy-going…the third seems to be somewhere in between. Through having three very different children, I’ve learned a lot about how much is what I do and how much is just “temperament”. You can guide children but not change them.
Just like with my first child who always loved to eat her vegetables and try new foods…it was undoubtedly because I fed her so well from the beginning, right? Enter child #2 who went through a “cheese crackers” phase…I’m just saying you learn a great deal of parenting humility once you have several of the little ones.
I do appreciate the last part of your comment–I agree that the goal is independence (to some degree)…but how much and when is largely an individual and family matter.
Finally, I would be curious to see the psychology science that backs up the idea of independent sleep for children…I’ve seen plenty about the effects of lack of sleep…but I haven’t seen any science that supports the idea that children, especially babies, need to sleep alone. In fact, I’ve seen the opposite–that bonding throughout the day and night is important for a child’s development.
Samantha M.
I’d be curious to learn more about the actual science behind independent sleeping. I always thought it was mostly a cultural thing.
phdinparenting:
It was not my intention to start a debate on co-sleeping vs independent sleeping and I hope to avoid that. I respect the difference in opinion and accept that there are millions of people co-sleeping with their children. I do have a doctorate in psychology, but culture may absolutely play a role in how my training was taught (here in the US)…and of course, mental health training is not the be all end all of all information…so I just want to pitch that out there. The theory goes (from a psychological theory perspective) that co-sleeping fosters a more dependent personality than independence. Children come to rely on parents for soothing and comfort, and are delayed in learning how to soothe themselves and separate from their parents. It is also very difficult to get a co-sleeper to later become an independent sleeper as they are used to the parent being in the bed with them to go to sleep. I was actually just reading another article on another web page, that suggested that no matter which way you do it (in terms of co-sleeping vs independent sleeping), the child should go to sleep on their own. In any case, the training I had made sense to me from a developmental perspective in terms of my interest in wanting my child to be independent (she may naturally be so due to her parents). As Candace says above, it may very well be my daughter’s personality…there is no way for me to challenge that…but it may not be. I have taken mindful action to provide her with a diet I felt would help develop her palette a particular way (the food thing was mentioned by Candace) and sleep in a particular way (I used the eat, play, sleep method which helps prevent food from becoming a source of comfort, which is a huge problem in our society). My goals are to assist my daughter in becoming an independent thinker as it will encourage her to be a leader in her class/school and less reliant on her peers for ideas on how she should think (I also believe in the Montessori method of learning which also fosters independence)…we can argue over the chicken and the egg, but we can never know the final answer. So, what we have in common…I don’t like CIO either…where we differ, co-sleeping. For me, the science behind personality development made sense, it may not for you. I totally respect that.
And there’s the cultural bias…the focus on independence. Totally a Western idea and actually becoming a bit of a dinosaur in so many areas of life. To me independence creates the false security of being able to DIY, which really…none of us do. As adults, we take comfort in sharing our beds with our partners. Go into business partnerships, form teams, communities, go to group therapy, go to therapy, have friendships, and all sorts of relationships where we rely on others and they on us.
Just take the workplace, for example – do we value those who are creative and do it on their own or do we need people who work well within a team, recognize their own strengths and weaknesses as well as those of other and use our knowledge to better further larger goasl?
If we recognize INTERDEPENDENCE as a reality of life, and indeed a NECESSITY. Why are we so hell bent on making CHILDREN (who are developing, growing an understanding of their world and really needing comfort and guidance) independent? Makes no sense.
Who said anything about being solo?? Being independent does not mean you can’t work on a team or participate in relationships…why would being independent mean that?? It is about being able to think for yourself and soothe yourself and calm yourself down when needed. Perhaps I should also explain that as a psychologist, I see far too many clients (children, adolescents, and adults) who came from pretty good homes (and some who didn’t) who suffer from a range of anxiety related or depression related issues. I have met many a person who has no idea how to think for themselves or make choices independently without looking for the acceptance of others or wanting to please others (this is going into a whole other topic here)… because of the work I have been doing over the years, it was important to me that my daughter be an independent thinker (as much as it drives me crazy at times right now) and so I put into place a variety of things I felt (from various information pools) would serve that purpose. Being an independent thinker has nothing to do with doing everything yourself. When children learn to do things for themselves they develop self-confidence. The separation/individuation phase is a real developmental phase that all children go thru…twice. Once in toddler years and again in adolescence (it’s not coincidental that those tantrums may seem familiar lol). There is not a parent who has not had a toddler say “I can do it”, “let me do it” etc…this is all about an interest in independence and our role as parent is to allow that process to occur. By stifling it, you derail the process. And while we are all social beings, the reality is that we need to be able to take care of ourselves independently…none of us would want our kids in an unhealthy relationship because they were afraid to be alone. Western culture definitely does promote independence. I would agree with that. Our culture does not support or promote communal living or extended family living…many other cultures do…but many cultures also simply want people to do as they are told and from the outside may seem pretty rigid in their structure and follow a community norm. We probably couldn’t have these debates in those same cultures.
Not in the interest of starting a debate…I’m also not interested in debating co-sleeping because honestly I think some kids sleep better closer to their parents and others sleep better with some distance. Same goes for the parents.
…but again, I’m just wondering about the “science” you were taught. From the perspective of honest curiosity.
You mention psychological *theory* but I’m wondering specifically what sort of science is involved to support that theory? You say “the theory goes”… Are there studies and statistics? Brain imaging? Tests of hormone levels? Longitudinal observations of future independent behavior?
Your theory certainly sounds logical…but no more so than the other theory that fostering a secure bond in infancy helps children be more independent later on. No more so than pointing out that societies where co-sleeping is the norm seem to have no greater issues with later independence or even independent sleeping (in fact, they may have less).
Logic is all well and good but it can easily lead to false and contradictory conclusions… without rigorous study and proof it is just an interesting possibility.
In terms of temperament, I bring that up because I also followed some very well thought-out theories in my child-rearing and I can tell you from both personal experience and familiarity with various studies that some children may just be born more sensitive than others. My kids have the same parents, same upbringing…and they are still very, very different. I was a classroom teacher and saw this in other siblings, as well.
Even in traditional societies, where there is much less crying because of the child-rearing techniques, there are still children who have colic. Studies have shown that nurses can tell as early as the first day which children will be more fussy–there is just something in the cry that is an indicator that come week 3, those parents are in for an adventure.
The fact that colic consistently starts at week 3, peaks at weeks 6-8, and fades by week 12 (adjusted in the case of preemies), also points to it not being a parenting issue.
Also, colic is not seen more frequently in firstborns– If something in the parenting was creating this increased neediness and irritability, you would expect to see more firstborns with colic.
I really don’t want to begrudge you your assumptions that you created this. You sound like an excellent parent and what you are doing *does* matter, IMO. In fact, the way you respond may be even more important with more sensitive children…but that doesn’t mean that the right parenting will end the crying.
However, the idea that mindful parenting can ensure that a child sleeps peacefully implies that parents with colicky children somehow caused that.
This has been disproved by scientific studies–the mother’s anxiety level, the style of parenting, the way in which the parents put the child to sleep…NONE of it creates colic. And a colicky child just isn’t going to drift off to sleep because of consistent routine and mindful parenting.
The reason why this matters is that colic CAN affect the mother’s anxiety and depression levels. And then imagine, on top of that, to have a society that tells her it is due to her parenting (when there is evidence to the contrary)…
In the end, most kids do not have colic. They will probably respond very well to what you did with your own child…and they’ll also probably respond well to co-sleeping and leave the family bed when they are a little older. Two normal, loved kids will probably turn out fine whether they sleep independently or in a family bed.
Usually parents seeking out sleep advice are the outliers–the ones with the kids with more challenging, intense temperaments. And the CIO and the non-CIO advice is usually directed at them, not at the parents of the 80% of children who fall more in the range of “normal” temperament.
There is no imperative or need to co-sleep. We’ve sometimes co-slept, sometimes not, sometimes used an attached bassinet. My first couldn’t sleep in bed with me until she suddenly only slept with me and then suddenly was back in her own bed. So, it isn’t about co-sleeping so much as the idea that the right start can prevent these issues.
Candace:
I followed most of your post but some of it truly lost me. I never mentioned the word colic in my post. My daughter was colicky too (like many babies are) at exactly the weeks you describe…and there were days when she would be fussy ALL day and I was so fed I up and could not have been happier than I was when it passed…I’m not sure of the point you were trying to make…parents don’t CAUSE colic…who said that?? This is not a blame game. My original post was simply that I too believe CIO is hard and I couldn’t do it (although at times I did let her cry a little) but I knew I couldn’t have her scream the house down for 45 minutes. In order to avoid having to do CIO I followed a plan that created a routine for her that worked (eat, play, sleep)…and I appreciated that it worked and it has had the desired effect (she sleeps very well and so do we). What I would challenge you on, is the fact that all sibling children are not born into the same family. Who you were and what you were dealing with when your oldest child was born was not the same for the next and so on. That’s a fact. Temperament absolutely does play a role and children pull from their genetic pool differently…but unless they’re twins, two children are not born into the same family. Added to that is the other fact that parents’ personalities also affect how they interact with each of their children (coupled with the child’s temperament) so they won’t treat two children identically, highly unlikely.
In terms of the research you requested, I would have to go back thru the psychology literature at the time of my training (more than 15 years ago) to give you specific research details. Nowadays, there is a lot of other research supporting independent sleeping for a variety of other reasons…but again, that isn’t what I was trying to talk about here…I don’t feel like I have to convince you…you have the right to raise your children as you see fit.
I don’t particularly like the title of this article because I think it’s a little insulting…but the article itself is good. I would also suggest looking more closely at some of the information Dr. Mindell provides on sleeping/routines etc.
http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1904288,00.html
Are you aware of studies that say that deep, uninterrupted sleep is actually a risk factor for SIDS? Yes, co-sleeping babies do sleep more lightly and wake more frequently…usually to nurse. I’ve seen that before. But that may have an important biologically-built in function.
There’s a few jumps in logic there–children (at what age?) who do not sleep enough are at risk for certain issues…but where’s the link to the infant sleep sharing and those later sleep issues, controlling for other factors?
Here’s the part that I think is kind of missing the obvious:
One question that remains: if vast numbers of babies in Asian populations are sleeping less than their Western peers — without any apparently society-wide disadvantage — does it truly matter if babies co-sleep or not?
“Do Asian babies need less sleep?” Mindell wonders, adding that understanding how some infants thrive on less sleep is the next step in research: “to figure out why that is, and what’s the consequence.”
I think it is fairly obvious from that bit that it isn’t co-sleeping as an infant that is creating this issue.
You say there is research–I’m just curious about it. Even if you can refer to these studies in generalities…what did they show?
I bring up colic because you say you placed your baby down independently, with no CIO: “She always went to sleep on her own. She never cried about it. ”
That’s not colic.
And the point of bringing it up is to point out that “using a system” doesn’t create a child who goes to sleep without crying during this stage. If you have a truly colicky child, they are not going to just fall asleep, alone without crying.
You say it is mindful parenting–I say that many people use your techniques with very different results.
As to your point about siblings…it is a point well taken. Although there are studies with non-identical twins that might address that.
However, your point would be more salient if the siblings behaved in predictable ways. ie, if it is parenting, then first children should have more intense temperaments. Children of anxious or depressed mothers should display more anxiety.
Instead, there is scientific evidence that, from an early age, some children are more sensitive to stimuli than others. Even before colic sets in this is noticeable. These children are the ones who are predictably more fussy and have sleep problems.
Colic is relevant because it is indicative of the true roots of sleep problems…rather than whatever the opposite of the mindful parenting you describe is.
Again, I think your parenting is spot on…and suspect that if your child had a different temperament, you would have adjusted. …but not because it created your child’s sleep habits but rather because it is a mindful and gentle way to parent.
Because I believe we cannot change our child’s temperament, I believe it is even more important to be the parents we want to be–consistent, loving, supportive.
Tough crowd out here…I started writing a response but I realize now there will be no end to this…and I have zero interest in debating this issue as it wasn’t what I intended in the first place. As I said before, I don’t feel the need to convince anyone. So I will stop here. Thanks for the hearty interaction.
I’m sorry that you did not feel welcome here. I truly feel I am not attempting to debate co-sleeping with you–rather just addressing what you wrote in your response. I thought since you commented on a public thread you were interested in that discussion. Perhaps you just wanted to contribute your perspective but not discuss it further…
I admit I tend to be aggressive in my style of discussion issues about which I am passionate but I also try to not bring it to the level of the personal.
I felt the discussion was constructive and you offered an interesting point of view as someone trained in psychology. Furthermore, I found you to be very polite.
I do believe there are key flaws in your logic and would be interested in seeing more support for your perspective…but if I phrased that in an overly aggressive manner, I do apologize for that.
It became clear that no matter what I say, you would find a way to jump all over it…so I am ok with leaving this alone as it wasn’t ever my intended part of the discussion (which I have been saying from the beginning). Perhaps I should have just said that and been quiet. It is nearly 1:30 in the morning where I am so coming up with the kind of information you require off the top of my head is not a strength. I keep starting to write something…but I must not engage otherwise this will keep going and I don’t want to do that. I appreciate your words. I have no reason to be anything other than polite. Again, thanks for a hearty discussion. Good night.
Samantha, My intention is not to jump all over you. When someone says they have “science” to support what they are saying, I think it is fair to ask what that science is… and that is not jumping all over someone.
Pointing out flaws in a study is not a personal attack.
When you said you did not want to debate co-sleeping, I took that literally…that you weren’t interested in debating co-sleeping but rather were opening a conversation on the topics you raised: that young children need to learn independent sleeping, that science backs this, and that a mindful parenting routine can accomplish from the start and immediately this without tears.
I disagree on those three points but welcome any proofs or arguments to the contrary. I have been convinced before by others when presented with convincing arguments contrary to positions I hold.
I disagree that there is nothing you can say or do to convince me of your points…if you have science that says that *babies* not sleeping alone (or going to sleep alone) leads to (not just a correlation) sleep disorders later in life, I am very interested in seeing it and would be happy to revise my thoughts on the topic.
Again, I’m not saying anyone has to co-sleep and I appreciate you saying you aren’t trying to convince anyone NOT to do so. As I mentioned earlier, sometimes I have, sometimes not, depending on the child. When you said you did not want to debate co-sleeping, I honestly thought I was respecting that by focusing on the points you raised.
At any rate, I am sorry you are not interested in this conversation and, again, I am sorry that my actions made you feel not welcome here. If you like, you can certainly engage with others and I will stay out of it. This is not my blog and we are both guests here…I do not mean to push away any of Annie’s commenters.
Candace, You’re like a fisherman with a hook you keep reeling me back in LOL. Let me first say I in no way took anything you said as a personal attack. Neither did I say you were jumping all over me. I felt there was nothing I could really say that you wouldn’t find a way to undercut. Research and statistics are really interesting because they can essentially be used to support any argument you want to support. And sometimes you just have to choose to believe what you want. For example, the non-organic farming industry frequently puts out ‘research’ that states that organic food is no more healthy than non-organic food and is therefore a waste of money. For me that’s hogwash, because there is no research that will ever convince me that it’s ok to feed my child pesticides etc. I also believe that all the estrogen, hormones, and toxins contribute to increasing numbers of people dealing with infertility and cancer. These are my beliefs based on some research but only because the research makes logical sense to me. There is other research that does not make logical sense to me so I discard it. In terms of psychological theory, it kind of works the same way. I was trained on various theories of child development and ways of doing therapy…I would say that theories are basically that, theories. Very little of psychology is based on absolute scientific fact…it’s very nuanced. That’s why sometimes you get 2 different doctors diagnosing a person with differing conditions. The points you state that I raised are nuances of what I actually said (or at least how I read my own words). In order for me to continue to state why and how independent sleeping is important, I would have to continue into the co-sleeping debate (I’m not clear how I can answer your questions without doing so). I also don’t recall stating that there are no tears and that it occurs immediately (tears does not = CIO, and it took time and effort). By the way, I also never said that co-sleeping caused sleeping disorders later in life. And, again, I do not take the position that it is my role to convince anyone of what to do with their children, unless they ask for my advice/suggestions. And even then, I provide information and ultimately it is up to the parent to decide how to parent.
Let me also say that I don’t feel unwelcome here. You did not personally attack me or make any derogatory comments about me. That would have been different. There are so many factors that contribute to raising healthy children. No one thing makes them turn out one way or another. ALL children who’s parents use CIO are not always going to turn out in a particular way…same way not all children who’s parents don’t…etc. I’d be happy to talk about CIO as that is what this thread is about! LOL…
Since comments won’t nest further, I will respond here.
First, I’m glad that I didn’t put you off commenting here and that you did not read me as “attacking” you. That is good to hear.
I was responding to what you wrote and to the link you shared…but since you want to focus on CIO on this thread, I will just address your points about studies, since they are relevant here.
Yes, lies, damn lies, and statistics…statistics can be manipulated, it is true! I’m sure, though, that as someone who studied long enough to get a PhD in psychology, you must put some faith in scientific inquiry?
Annie cites a number of studies in this CIO article. None of them are perfect, some may even be deeply flawed…but if they are coupled with a number of other factors, such as sociology, human history, biology, and more…a picture begins to emerge.
And some studies are better designed than others. And some studies lead more clearly to certain conclusions than others.
I discard studies not just because they don’t fit with my worldview…but rather because I find them to be flawed.
Or I may look at a study (such as a study that children need sleep) and find that its author’s (or more often, the media’s or other’s) conclusions over-reach.
I can do that even when I agree with the conclusions.
For example, I am opposed to CIO for many reasons. However, the oft-cited Romanian orphanage study does not really demonstrate that children whose parents use cry it out will be scarred in the same we these orphans were traumatized. It gives us an interesting piece of the puzzle…but it is not a conclusive argument against CIO.
Rarely are the flaws in a study completely obvious to a lay-person like myself (my training is in education) but sometimes I can spot them. And I am always open to hearing independent people who have a greater expertise in science and/or statistics, explain to me why one or another study is more valid than another.
Samantha M.
I appreciated your initial comment and what you had to say about the approach you’ve taken with your daughter. I do understand that some people prefer to have their children sleep independently and there are a variety of different approaches that can be used to achieve that. Some of those will work with some children, but not with others. That is why I love Elizabeth Pantley’s No Cry Sleep Solution books. They have so many different techniques that parents can choose from until they find something that works for them and works for their child.
In asking my question, I wasn’t intending to start a debate on co-sleeping vs. independent sleeping either. I think it comes down to personal preference. I only questioned your comment because you said you were taught in your psychology training “how important and valuable it is to assist children with sleeping independently”. I just wanted to understand the basis for assigning so much importance to it.
The science that I have looked at points out that when you provide your children a secure base from which to develop their independence, that they are more secure. The following is a paragraph from my post on the benefits of co-sleeping:
We feel that we have seen this reflected in our children.
Annie, thank you for this important post! I’m totally against CIO — after I tried it for two days myself. I also blogged about my experience with it.
Trying the CIO method went against everything I believe in – gentle attachment parenting. Every motherly instinct was telling me trying this method was wrong, that’s why I stopped the madness after two days. We went back to peacefully sleeping next to each other, my little boy and I.
I have 2 children. One is about to be 2 years old, the other is 3 months. My 2 year old just started to sleep through the night. I tried numerous sleep methods other than any form of CIO with him, as I felt guilty after reading numerous postings similar to this one. Looking back I am thoroughly ashamed of myself for ever allowing any self glorifier of any sort to sway me in the best decisions for my family, especially when those people are not drs or scientists or any other professional that would be appropriately tied, just other parents full of opinions they feel the need to spew towards others in a “this is the truth and fact” mode in order fulfill some insecurity of their parenting or for reassurance. I believe for my family that our new addition is too young to try any CIO method, however if we try other methods to a full extent and they do not work, at some point my husband and I have both agreed to try a CIO method with her. I only wish I could take back those moments of sleeplessness so that when necessary and when it really matters I was able to put my full energy and efforts into my son. He missed out on so much of “me” as I was too tired to give it to him. My time would have been better spent on his attention, love and necessities if I had had more energy. This is of course, simply our experience, and I have yet to meet any parent with the exact same one.
I must say that I do not even disagree with the ideas you have, but am appalled and bewildered as to why you would write as though you are some authoritative figure with the “right” answer and that other are wrong and hurting their children. Fear monger comes to mind.
A few things I think would have made your post a more approachable read, instead of a direct “attack”. You will always be heard better if you write in a manner that allows ALL readers not to feel defensive and feel welcomed. Clearly this was not written for a discussion, but for an “I am right” episode to feel good.
Your post seems to not take into account the variations of babies temperaments.
You go on in many posts about how you are a working mother as well……..only a mother who works from home, though still working, has much more leeway than one whom does not. You do not have to be at a job at a specific time. You do not have to get up, get yourself showered, dressed, fed and the same for your baby by a certain time. You do not have a commute. You do not have to drop your child off at childcare or wait for your nanny to get there and do the trade off. You do not have to do the same in the evenings. Therefore you also have more time in your day, a more flexible sleep schedule, more time to work with your child using other methods, etc. I work from home and am a full time graduate student and all of those things give me flexibility and I would never have the audacity to compare myself to a mother whom works out of the house. Do I work just as hard? Yes. Maybe I even do more considering I am my children’s full time caregiver. But I still have that flexibility and extra time you are not considering.
As another poster stated something similar, you have your reasons, other people have theirs. It is my firm belief that I do not want a needy, non-indepenant child whom cannot do anything for him or herself. I dont want to put any more people into this society that are a leech, insecure or have serious parental attachment issues and cannot support themselves. It is my opinion, as a graduate student, whom studies these specific issues in the world on a daily basis, that this is exactly what is wrong with society. Are you going to also give your child a darn prize for every single thing they do whether it is something that should be expected or not? What are you gong to do when they leave the nest, or are you hoping they dont? The real world is not so kind to those who cannot fend for themselves and the government cannot afford to take care of any more of those people. Independence is not a natural instinct. It has to be taught. Im not saying the CIO would teach that or should be use to teach that, but I am saying by your “all mighty” and “superior” testaments to your parenting skills, you should rethink some of the attacks you have towards other people and realize there are just as many “scientific” and purely opinionated reasons your methods may screw your children up as well.
The only reason I attack you in this post, is that you sound so self-righteous and ridiculous that the absurdity of it cannot be responded to without doing so. The message you send is one of rudeness and self-fullfillment. You come across as you truly believe you are somehow superior in your parenting methods, that you know all and that you are definitively correct. You are an “elitist” in parenting methods.
What I do know is that both of my children, one whom never experienced the CIO method, and one who may will be in align with the rest of my family as adults based on our all around parental methods and regardless of whether one CIO or not: Educated at the graduate degree level or higher, married with NO divorces, able to afford to maintain themselves and family with no outside financial help, respectful, grateful to our parents, loving, kind, compassionate, often volunteering and donating our time to numerous charities, RESPONSIBLE and ACCOUNTABLE for all of our actions, independent, close to each other and our friends and most importantly HAPPY! What I do know is between my 2 siblings and myself, only one of us didn’t have the CIO done. He is also the only one, although true to my aforementioned attributes, has had an insecurity and other such issues. I assume this is coincidental, but f we are going based on your methods, then apparently there is a direct link.
I am embarrassed and saddened for those whom truly advocate what you are trying to because you are hurting their cause with your self-rightousness. I hope that others, (and I know there are because I have read them and I have read and used their postings for information and reference) whom wish to give off the same advice do so in a much more humble manner, realizing that it is their opinion, not the word of God.
I won’t comment on your opinion of me and my post because you’re welcome to it.
I would, however, like to clarify that I do work outside of the home (as do many other mothers who do not believe in letting their babies/children cry it out). I gradually reintegrated into the office between 3 months and 6 months of age with my son and I went back to work full-time when my daughter was 6 months old.
Oh, and I don’t think that my opinion is the “word of God.” I don’t even believe that there is a God (me or anyone else).
I agree with the last few posters, though JJ was harsh, he/she hit it on the nail. You are judging others period. If you think you are not there is something wrong with you. You come across that you believe you are superior, even if you do not outright say that you are. Your other post about not judging others seems like a cop out to save face. It is okay if you are judging others, everyone does it, just dont pretend that you are not. It is strange behavior that actually sort of makes it seem even more that “you” are not judging others but feel that “others” are judging you. Why not just admit it? Your approach would have been different if you were not. It just does not seem like a good way to get your point across, which is a good point.
Why are you ALL judging each other? If you let your kid cry it out to sleep fine. If you dont, fine. Doesnt make any of you better than any of the others. Sheesh. It is a family choice that does not need judgement on any side of it, which is exactly what you are all doing. Wow.
JJ, Leslie, Jessica (oh and Heather too on that other post): How cool that you all share one computer. That’s awesome. Perhaps you all share one brain and one body too. Glad to see you all at least agree with each other. I hate fighting with myself.
Annie, you crack me up
Thanks for your post Annie. I have read it many times… mostly after a night of very little sleep. I’m proud that I’ve never resorted to CIO. Proud that I follow my instincts.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about choices in birth and parenting, and about the community I just moved from. It is not an “average” community in this country in the sense that is highly oriented to attachment parenting and homebirth. I joined a prenatal yoga group and loved the community. I guess I’m pretty crunchy in the general spectrum and for the most part I felt at home. But some of the attitudes left me uneasy, and now that I’ve moved away they are thrown into stark relief.
I heard a lot of the same things about cry-it-out that I’m reading here. In my moms group, women constantly had to apologize for “giving up” and using cry it out. Cry it out, in this case, was almost always a “modified” Ferber method, where parents would let their child cry for 3 minutes, then 4, then 5 etc. etc, at each interval briefly soothing without picking the child up. As for our little family, we started out with a great sleeper (slept through the night after 3 weeks). But at around 6 months things got difficult sleep-wise, and sleep deprivation only aggravated the postpartum depression I’d been battling with off and on for months. We used the modified method I outlined above and our daughter was sleeping through the night after 2 days. It wasn’t pleasant, but it was far less traumatizing than getting stuck in traffic with a crying baby, and my daughter actually seemed happier and more well-rested afterwards (yes, I was still able to follow her cues).
I remember talking to my daughter’s pediatrician about the subject. She said there is no evidence that using the Ferber method causes any damage to a child.
And then I realized. She was right.
None of the assertions you make here is based on scientific evidence. It is essentially your opinion, and the opinion of the people you reference. It is not good science to point to studies about long-term neglect of children and then assume that these effects also apply to sleep training. It is not good science to assume that excessive crying causes disorders such as ADD, when it is entirely possible that a proclivity towards the disorder also leads to a greater tendency to cry excessively. Not to mention that the term “excessive” is completely subjective here. Like I said, a bad car ride or the “grandma hour” in the newborn phase featured crying far more “excessive” than anything we experienced in sleep training.
There is, on the other hand, good evidence that sleep deprivation can contribute to depression, and that depression can interfere with bonding. For some parents, sleep training does not jive with them, or they try it and it doesn’t work and it’s back to the drawing board. For some parents, like us, it works like a charm and everyone is in better condition in a matter of days.
As for the claim that we haven’t proven it DOESN’T do harm, well, it’s pretty well established that it’s just not possible to prove a negative.
I don’t object to anyone who chooses to not use sleep training methods. Of course I don’t. But I do object to the judgment cast against parents who do make this choice, masquerading as tolerance in the statement, “well, none of us is perfect.” And I object to making assertions such as the 10 listed above, and then defending them by saying, well, we can’t prove it DOESN’T do these things.
Your parenting choices are yours, and they should be respected. But there is no reason to insinuate that parents who make other choices do so because “no one is perfect,” which is another way of saying, “their choice is inferior to mine.” Please. There is already too much judgement in the world of parenting.
Thank you, I had to fight my child’s Dr. over CIO, but I refuse to do it. For my own personal belief I can’t just close the door on him when he does not understand that I am trying to help him sleep. His young mind just thinks mommy/daddy is leaving…..(IMO) After this fight we worked hard speaking with midwives and more experienced parents (FTM) to make this solution which works for us:
8:00pm dinner
8:30pm bathtime atleast 30 mins worth of play
9:00pm dry off and last drink (milk with local honey( during teething we add chamomile per midwife’s suggestions)
9:10pm complete blackout besides one light in kitchen to be able to see bedtime storys and lullyby
9:30pm he is out for the night.
My son is 13 months and was always a great sleeper but due to uncertainty of military lifestyle he sleep schedule flipped alot depending on when and if daddy came home that night. This worked for us maybe it will work for others
forgot to add we brush his teeth after last drink
This is absolute madness. One persons view on something with NO research to back it up, the thing that boggles me about people is they wear blinders and twist certain things into to what “they” believe is research. When I started to read this I couldn’t help but roll my eyes (oh no, did I roll my eyes because as an infant my parents let me cry it out a couple nights) This method is per parent per child. But in no sense am I a cruel parent because I choose to let my child cry it out in a controlled atmosphere, while doing routine checks. Plus, I have a baby who hates the car ( why I have no idea, but by your arguments you’ll probably think my car is no conducive to a babies needs or some BS) when her and I are in the car alone, she cries it out too. I’m not a pull over parent. I always make sure she is fed and changed and comfortable before we leave the house, but when we have doctors appointments we go to the doctors. I don’t stop fifteen times because she’s screaming in the backseat, that is impractical. So I started to apply the same principles at night, put her down talk to her for a bit and walk out. I am always near by and after 20 minutes I check on her and talk to her. She knows I am there. Yes, from experience I have seen over bearing (helicopter) parents raise bratty BRATTY BRATTY children from constant attention. Of course you give children attention, the attention they need to become assets to society, the type that makes them feel loved. Not the kind where they learn, “mom…mom’s pretty much my bitch.” Yes, that is the only way is can be put. I am the parent. So whether my four month old or four year old needs to cry it out for a little bit they shall. Kids learn quickly and can pick up on your emotions and your actions. You may think your methods of training your baby to sleep without crying via holding, rocking, or bouncing is working but in all actuality that baby has just trained you, by crying. So instead of that baby becoming self sufficient it is in a constant state of need. Just remember this is YOUR opinion but in no way is this fact, do better research and if you find no relevant research make sure you express your opinion without the citations of crap that is completely different. CIO is not in anyway how you have made it sound, but this is the ignorance of our society and the constant need to be right…so I’m taking it your parents never let you cry it out.
(BTW-I like the way you say you don’t like to refer to children as BRATTY, guess you heard that one to many times.)
I am not trying to provoke but just want to point out a few things:
1. Annie did not say she trained her babies to sleep through these methods. Many AP parents believe (supported by doctors, sleep experts, and child development specialists) that it is not a reasonable expectation for an infant to sleep more than 3-5 hours at a time. Some do. My third baby does. Many do not.
2. AP is not permissive parenting or helicopter parenting. AP is being in tune with the needs of your child at its stage of development–not hovering, not giving the child everything he or she wants. I am a fairly strict parent and this has been remarked upon several times by people who are decidedly not AP–but I teach through gentle discipline and I meet what I believe to be the needs of my children at their stages of development. As to children being spoiled by AP…that would mean that children were spoiled and bratty through most of human history since AP (not permissive or helicopter parenting, which is very, very different) is reflective of the methods previously used to nurture infants and young children.
3. You did not say how old your baby is but you mentioned that you believe she knows you are there and also said, “So whether my four month old or four year old needs to cry it out for a little bit they shall.” I just want to point out that there is near universal expert/medical agreement (AP or not) that the understanding of object permanence begins at 8 or 9 months. That means that before that, a baby truly does not know the parent is there if they baby cannot see the parent. Even after 8 months, the baby would most likely quickly doubt the parent is returning if the parent does not quickly reappear. An infant is not developmentally capable of understanding that the parent(s) is/are downstairs listening to the monitor. You are free to interpret this however you like in terms of your own parenting, of course.
I always mention that Ferber has since come out against CIO after learning about more current research comparing the effects to ptsd and how it negatively effects brain development. There have been an increasing amount of mainstream articles speaking out against cio. Eventually this will go the way of spanking.
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Thank you for this list. I agree with you 1000%!
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Thanks for this article! A lot of the comments seem to be from parents taking offense to your reasons for not using CIO, defending/justifying their reasons to use it. I certainly don’t think CIO is for everyone, every baby is different. And may I point out the title of your article is “10 reasons why it is not for US.” We tried CIO with our infant in an attempt to get him to sleep in his crib as opposed to our bed. The first night, he fell asleep after 30 mins of crying – we would check on him every 5 mins. The second night, same thing. The third night, he woke up at 1 am and cried nonstop for 45 mins despite our checking on him until I finally gave in to the CIO recommendations and picked him up, changed, and fed him so he would calm down. Our experience was that his crying did not get better/shorter, instead he became more upset and persistant. The fourth and final night, he cried 45 mins again and got so upset he threw up all over himself, his crib, etc. We got him out and cleaned him up, then I rocked him and within 5 mins, he was asleep. All he needed was to be comforted by his parents. I found CIO difficult for many reasons, one of which was that CIO reccomends to not let crying continue for more than 20 mins, but contradicts by saying that if you give in then it will cause a set back? After our experience, and seeing my little one so distraught, we have decided CIO is not for us. I also want to add that once we started CIO, our baby was more fussy, tired, and cried every time we would lay him down whether it be in his play pen, on the sofa, our bed, etc. Our happy baby was suddenly terrified we were going to leave him. Now, we are back to co-sleeping and Mommy, Daddy, and baby are all happy again, less stressed, and sleeping through the night. We will try to get him in his own bed again, but after he is old enough to understand and communicate. My personal experience has led me to believe that CIO does not work for a persistent baby… and is not the end all solution.
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Good lord! You people have gone mad!!! It’s exactly this sort of coddling that leads to insufferably selfish people. Why does every consecutive generation become more and more self-absorbed and individualistic? Businesses now have to “gently” reprimand employees for lousy work. “You’re doing a wonderful job, Joey, but here are a few improvements you could make. First, try and show up to work on time. Second, work when you get here. Thanks for listening Joey.”
Also, businesses are reporting more that worker’s MOTHERS are calling in sick for them. 25 year old adults!
So, yeah, if you want your child to think that they are entitled to everything and that the world revolves around them then go right ahead and coddle/spoil. Cater to their every need. Go ahead.
Eventually you’ll be calling in sick to work for them.
Hear, hear! That’s why my 6 month old does the dishes, my 3 yo chops the wood for the fire, and my 5 yo drives herself to her lessons! No way I’m raising a bunch of lazy freeloaders! That gravy train of nurturing, gradual learning, and unconditional love has to end some time and when they start solid foods, that’s where I draw the line! CIO? Heck, by six months they’d better be paying rent. And don’t forget utilities!
I’m sure your children will one day grow to expect the world to provide them with everything they need at a moment’s notice (sound familiar?). And then, when the world doesn’t, they won’t be able to handle it (or they will handle it poorly). Good luck.
Wow! You can tell all that from a comment in which I describe none of my parenting? You must be the world’s most talented clairvoyant psychologist!
My children are independent, bright, and well-behaved and manage to learn the consequences of their actions in an age appropriate way…but thanks so much for your concern!
As a former teacher, my kids will get no bailouts from me when they screw up. My kindergartner forgets her backpack? Her problem to work out, with the only help being practicing how to own up to and mitigate the mistake. But my 6 month old cries because he’d biologically programmed to need me? That’s quite different.
Why not just hand an 8 year old keys to your car? They need to learn to drive sometime, right?
And stop bathing your 1 year old–he’ll never learn independent hygiene! Don’t want him to be a stinky adult, right?
The idea isn’t coddling…it is age-appropriate learning.
Good grief- If you were not prepared to be there for your children to provide their needs before they can achieve them themselves (like Candace says age appropriate learning) then you should not have had children. When a child has the gift of language then they can be told they are to go to bed FULL STOP but until they have that understanding the world is new and unusual and they should be treated with compassion (I guess that word is foreign to you?)
“Chronic stress in infancy can also lead to an over-active adrenaline system, which results in the child using increased aggression, impulsivity, and violence. Another study showed that persistent crying episodes in infancy led to a 10 times greater chance of the child having ADHD, resulting in poor school performance and antisocial behaviour. However, if you consistently soothe your child’s distress and take any anguished crying seriously, highly effective stress response systems are established in the brain that allow your child to cope with stress later in life.”
What about coliky babies or babies who have a natural inclination to cry. Are they doomed to “poor school performance and antisocial behavior?” Are they doomed to be violent reprobates?
“Excessive crying results in an oversensitive stress system (likened to a faulty burglar alarm in one book) that can lead to a fear of being alone, separation anxiety, panic attacks and addictions.”
So if my child cries for a few hours a few nights in a row he’ll end up with a “faulty burglar alarm” and a heroin addiction?
“A child that is left to cry it out is less likely to turn to the parents in times of need. Being attended to as a baby is the most basic of needs and if a child learns at that point that she can count on her parents to respond to her needs, then she will also turn to them later in life when she needs their support. But I worry that if I leave my children to cry it out, then they will not see the point in reaching out to us if they have problems later in life and could try to deal with serious issues like bullying, drug addictions, teenage pregnancy, gambling problems, or flunking out of school on their own or turn to peers. Unfortunately, those problems are often too big for a teenager to be left to deal with alone or with peers and it can have disastrous results ranging from making poor decisions all the way to committing suicide out of a feeling of hopelessness.”
Bullshit. Absolute bullshit. So if I let my baby CIO for a few nights he’ll be more likely to kill himself? You’ve got to be kidding me. That’s so offensive to even the basest of sensibilities and intellects.
“Children whose caregivers are not consistently responsive and sensitive, often become insecure. Long-term studies have shown that secure individuals are more likely to be outgoing, popular, well-adjusted, compassionate, and altruistic.”
Your article is fundamentally flawed. You’ve seemingly equated CIO to criminal negligence. CIO is NOT neglect.
If you’re reading this article and you’re a caring, sensitive and loving parent who uses CIO to “correct” the sleeping pattern of your child then NONE, I repeat, NONE of the nonsense in this article applies to you.
what I write relates to babies (i.e. under 12m I think over 12m is a little different). The pressure to do CIO from friends, family other mums and health workers is absolutley immense and I was told to do CIO from 3 months old by a number of health visitors. I resisted the pressure as my heart was telling me it was not the right thing for me and my little one. I felt like I had to EXPLAIN why i gave my little girl cuddles rather than letting her scream herself to sleep and explain why I went to her when she was upset in the darkness of her room. SURELY IT SHOULD BE THE OTHER WAY AROUND, YOU SHOULD HAVE TO EXPLAIN WHY YOU LET YOUR BABY CRY? I understand that some parents must resort to cry it out, but it should no way be the norm and socially acceptable. This, in my opinion, is why there are so many problems with dicipline with children and teens, parents jump to the most extreeme method of getting sleep which fundementally disrespects what the baby needs. I believe all other methods should be tried first. Baby’s cry because they need you. I think only when your completely at your wits end should CIO be tried. On a more positive note, it sure takes a while but through responding to your childs needs there sleep will sort itself out. It may take a year or so of broken sleep but you’ll get there CIO or not.
I L.O.V.E. this.
That is all.
<3
I totally agree with your post. My doctor even warned us against any sleep training. Yes, my son still get us up in the middle of the night to eat, and our doctors believes that he does that because he legitimately needs the calories. To ignore him would mean to let him go hungry. Where’s the sense in that?
Ok so what do you do then?
You can’t go on and on about something and not give an alternative solution!
In bolded text, Annie offers her gentle baby and toddler sleep tips: http://www.phdinparenting.com/2008/07/05/2009/02/28/gentle-baby-and-toddler-sleep-tips/
When my first born started fighting sleep, I read extensive literature on both sides (no cry sleep solutions and controlled crying solutions). What a mistake. I was basically left with the choice of either being a cold tormentor that will lead her son to become unable to forge sustainable relationships in his future. Or an indulging parent who denies her son the skill to learn how to fall asleep on his own. Oh yeah, and also by not having enough sleep he’d become a mediocre student later on at school.
I’m quite puzzled as to what would compel sleep specialists to add guilt to sleep deprived parents trying to find a solution to their children’s sleep issues – and find sleep for themselves. And quite honestly I don’t see why everyone wants to prove that the other approach is bad instead of just concentrating on the positive of the approach that they advocate.
Although the underlying philosophies of each approach are very different, if you read carefully, their technical implementations have a lot in common. Basically you want to log you child’s sleep, evaluate if he’s really lacking sleep or if you just have unrealistic expectations, and assess what the problem is. Both approaches rely on implementing consistent day-time routines. And making sure your child gets enough food during the day. And really, the only difference is if and how much crying you are going to allow when your child does not fall asleep on his own. As I see it, the controlled crying solutions are really just “the next step” when all else has failed and your child still adamantly refuses to sleep.
Now that I’m on maternity leave with my second son, I’m back on the parenting blogs/forums, and I see that the flaming war between no cry versus controlled crying parents is still going on. And whatever solution parents chose, they end up feeling guilty anyway, because the other side will criticize them.
At the end, we are all parents trying to do their best to raise well adjusted kids. I wonder why we can’t just offer support to parents who are dealing with a difficult sleep situation.
I have enough confidence in my own parenting decisions that I don’t feel guilt over other people’s criticisms of my choices. I appreciate good dialogue of the pros and cons of different options. I know, however, that I’m in the minority.
Sigh:
The reason that I don’t judge is that I know everyone has limits. I think CIO is wrong. Period. But I don’t judge parents who use it, because I know that some people may hit the wall earlier than I do when it comes to the frustration caused by an infant who doesn’t sleep. That doesn’t make CIO good or right, but I can understand why some people are driven to that point. I wish that they could find a way to get better support, rather than having to resort to CIO, but unless I’m living there in their house with them and am there to provide that support, I don’t feel that I can judge their choice. That said, people who go hold opinions that babies cries are not meant to be answered, that they just have to toughen up and that say “ha ha….we can’t hear you….LOL” as their baby screams for over an hour every night. Yeah…I judge that. That sucks. More on the difference between saying “I don’t agree with that” and “I judge you for that” in this post: “Don’t Judge Me”.
So, according to you, you are making a judgment* that people who use CIO have a lower threshold for frustration than you do caused by an infant that doesn’t sleep. Yet, you have no idea what other parents have done, what they have dealt with in comparison to you, what their children need or are like, what reasons they decided to go the CIO route, or even what CIO means to them. Again, citing your own arguments on judgment and why you don’t think you are doing it doesn’t change the facts.
*Definition of judgment: a: the process of forming an opinion or evaluation by discerning and comparing b : an opinion or estimate so formed
Sigh:
I don’t know what every parent has gone through, but I have talked to a lot of parents and read the stories of a lot of parents who did decide to go the CIO route (as well as many who didn’t). I do know plenty of people who were dealing with less frustrating sleep situations that I was and who did turn to CIO. But I’m not making a judgment that all parents who use CIO have a lower threshold for frustration than I do. I’m just making an allowance for the fact that that may be the case.
Sigh, I wish YOU had a blog.
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