Often when I hear people talk about their discipline style it sounds unrealistic or ineffective. I haven’t read or heard any single approach to discipline that really made perfect sense to me. There are elements of many approaches that I like and elements of others that I abhor. Rather than taking one approach and running with it, I have developed a discipline spectrum that seems to work for me most of the time.
Difference between discipline and punishment
Before I explain my spectrum, I want to be clear about the difference between discipline and punishment. Over and over again, I see people post questions on message boards or places like Yahoo! Answers asking whether it is okay to spank or whether it is okay to use time outs. Inevitably, someone will respond and say that they don’t use spankings or they don’t use time outs because they believe it is harmful to the child. This, in turn, always sparks a rash of responses from people saying how irresponsible it is to not discipline children and that those non-spanking anti-time-out people are the reason for all of the world’s problems. But what those people don’t understand is that there is a fundamental difference between discipline and punishment (see this excellent chart comparing discipline and punishment). Discipline is about teaching and guiding a child in the right direction. Punishment is about demanding compliance by exerting control over a child.
Finding my place on the discipline spectrum
Some experts will claim that one approach to discipline is better than all others. In my book, there is a sweet spot on the discipline spectrum that is ideal and then, depending on the situation, I may move slightly to the left or slightly to the right to use less desirable but sometimes important discipline tools.
On the right hand side of the spectrum is abuse, including physical and verbal abuse that parents may use to try to control their children. I consider it abuse to spank a child or to shame a child. On the other end of the spectrum is neglect, where the parents are indifferent and often not present and children are left to fend for themselves. Either of these approaches to discipline is obviously detrimental. But in between these two, there are many approaches and tools that parents can use.
So where is my sweet spot?
My preference (highlighted in green) is to focus in the range of modelling, choices and teaching. I think this is the area with the potential to produce the greatest benefit to the child. It gives some structure, but at the same time gives the child the tools to make wise decisions and develop competencies. It allows me to share my values and pass along things that I have learned without forcing my child to make the same choices that I did. It is, to me, what being a parent is all about.
However, I also think that there is room for some laissez-faire approach to allow the child the full range of decision making. For a child that has learned some structure through other modelling, choices, and teaching, the occaisional use of the laissez faire approach gives the child room to grow and learn and can be empowering. But if it is used too often and in absence of other techniques the child can feel lost and the parents lose an opportunity to teach key values and skills to their child.
I also do use consequences and rewards selectively and punishment as a last resort (see also my post When all else fails). For me, consequences are an extension of choice. Choices obviously have consequences attached to them but sometimes even outside of choice we need to impose consequences. My preference is to use natural consequences wherever possible and if that isn’t possible, then to at least use logical consequences. I don’t like using rewards because I think it teaches the child to always expect rewards for doing anything right (brings out the greed aspect in human nature) and I also think that it takes away from the unconditional love that I am trying to show my child when I bribe him with a piece of chocolate or a new toy. That said, he is a stubborn mule sometimes and I will use rewards sparingly to convince him to do something that he is otherwise unwilling to try , but that I know he would like if only he tried it (a Bob the Builder toy was required to eventually convince him to try to poop on the toilet). Punishment is something I use as an absolute last resort in dire circumstances. If my child is in danger or putting someone else in danger and not listening or if he is purposefully defiant (e.g. hitting his sister for the fifth time after being told why it is not okay), then I may revoke privileges or remove him from the situation. When I remove him, it does often mean going to his room by himself for a few minutes while the situation resolves itself, but I always go in and talk to him and will tend towards a “time in” rather than a “time out”.
These other techniques that I will use sometimes are highlighted in yellow on the spectrum. I think it is important to note that the more often you use the techniques that are in the yellow zone, the more you become dependent on them (because you are losing the benefits usually realized through modelling, choices, and teaching), and the easier it is to slip into abuse or neglect.
The importance of a secure attachment
I think it is important to underscore that none of the discipline techniques discussed above will work without a secure attachment. Dr. Sears has a great article called 10 Ways Attachment Parenting Makes Discipline Easier. Essentially, having a strong and secure relationship with your child provides the foundation that is needed for other discipline techniques to work. It is often in the absence of this strong foundation that parents feel like none of their discipline techniques are working and, again, find themselves slipping further towards abuse in an attempt to control or towards neglect as they give up and sink into indifference.
Where is your sweet spot?
Where is your sweet spot on the discipline spectrum? Why does that work for you?
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Wow, you pretty much described my sweet spot exactly, as far as both the green and the yellow ranges go. Love the chart! What a great way to lay it out.
I really wish more people understood the difference between discipline and punishment. It’s so frustrating to say you don’t spank and get hit with a monologue about the necessity of discipline. I know how important discipline is, and I do discipline my child – just with techniques other than punishment (when possible – like I said, your ranges match mine exactly).
Cynthia is so right. People who use punishment seem to be continually judging me by assuming that if I don’t spank or use time-outs, that I must be neglecting my child. I often think that non-punishing parents spend *more* time on discipline. It takes a lot of time and effort to pay attention to your child proactively, and to spend time talking with our children about how what we do affects the world.
I just read your other post on discipline, and I’m off to request a copy of Playful Parenting from the library. Thanks.
Wonderful post. This is a subject that has given me a tremendous amount of angst. I was raised primarily by my father as both mother and stepmother were unfit. I would like to think that my father was more of the green circle in theory but in execution more to the left. In his defense, it was not out of desire, but of necessity having to deal with supporting the family financially as well as two terrible partners. I, the eldest, was left at a very young age to assume the roles of carrying for my sib. My biological mother fell somewhere so left that when she was alone with us we had less respect for her than a stranger. I would like to My stepmother, sadly, focused on the right portion of your chart. She used belittling and brutal physical force to dicipline. The saddest part, observing it from a mother’s perspective, is that we were excellently diciplined children. We were very self diciplined and never were more trouble than bickering between ourselves. My stepmother exacted “punishment” for unreasonable things associtated with being kids–accidentally breaking an object, tooth paste in the sink, etc.
I have put a lot of thought into how I want to raise my child and I am not sure how I best can reach the happy medium you have presented. Instead of working by example, I am working by knowing NOT what to do. I only hope that she grows up with the security, esteem, and peace of mind that I had not always had afforded to me.
WOW I love this post. For me you have really hit the nail!!!
I have so many people looking at me as if to say kids just will not learn if you don’t push them into it, force them into it, or beat it into them.
And you have pointed out that there are other ways…thats what makes me so angry some times is that most around me are so into beleiving that there is only one way and will not even try.
I’m with Anita…I can only hope that my child will see one day that I have put a lot of effort into giving her what I feel is security, esetem and peace of mind (nothing against my parents as they were more far out than most and I love them for that)…but as I was talking the other day…there is always more and we can only do what we know and love as much as we can for the bits we don’t….as long as we love with all of our hearts and tell our children that and keep learning…we can only get better.
Great post and a topic close to my heart. I agree spanking and shaming are just uneccessary when there are so many other options. I’m a big fan of ‘time out’ but not too long, making choices (eg: children being able to pick thier own clothes for the day) and also choices coupled with consequences. But it should be fair. I also like asking children to problem solve – if they are having a conflict with thier peers.
I think we can see our dicipline styles played out when our children role-play us in a game like ‘mums and dads’. It can be a mirror to our parenting style, choice of words, and attitude. Lukily, most of the time, I enjoy watching my daughter play this game, but can be confronting.
I guess how we model our behaviour and attitude while interacting with our children and others is one of the biggest influences on our children. I agree that love, security, and building esteem have to always be foremost.
At my daughter’s 9 month appointment one of the developmental questions that the nurse asked was if my daughter knew what “no” meant!!! I was shocked! Should a nine month old be told NO so often that they know what it means? At the time I do not think I had ever said no to her. I rather yes her into learning than no her into submission. Parenting is not a relationship of powerless and powerful- it is a partnership- teaching, modeling, and allowing choices!
My daughter is 13.5 months old, so the discipline at this point is minimal- guiding at most. However I watch some children at my house and a two year old was hitting (today, actually). The first time I was rattled by it and did a power move- I put her in time out. I don’t really like time out. After reading Alphie Kohn I have a new view of it. I now see it as more of a power play and a way to create more negative enegry. The second time I caught myself and did a time-in. What a difference! She really responded positively and after a couple time-ins the hitting stoped. We will see what tomorrow brings…
Great post, thanks Annie!
“At my daughter’s 9 month appointment one of the developmental questions that the nurse asked was if my daughter knew what “no” meant!!! I was shocked! Should a nine month old be told NO so often that they know what it means?”
Actually, I think it’s really important that kids learn about “no” early on. I teach baby signing and we introduce the “no” sign early on; I always start the topic along the lines of not being negative to your baby but using the word/sign for immediate safety (eg “don’t touch the hot thing”), an introduction to creating boundaries (which is so important for little ones to feel safe) and for the CHILD to be able to say no when they’re unhappy/uncomfortable too. Our emphasis is on two-way communication, of course!
and I’m always delighted when parents come in to class and say things like “my baby was having tests at the hospital and was able to express “no, I’m fed up, I need a break” rather than scream the place down”. I’ve even had kids arrive and sign “no, go home” – in several case these children have gone home and slept for hours because they’ve been coming down with a cold, rather than being miserable in class. They had the confidence to order their world and the respect of their parent to realise something wasn’t right. So “no” itself isn’t always negative or destructive even for very young children – it’s the context it’s used in that matters. I try and get parents to model it to each other, too, which helps a lot with everyone’s understanding. I completely agree that it’s better to say “yes, you can do x” to help children explore rather than constantly saying no to everything, but an understanding of “no/don’t” and expecting that to be respected whether it comes from adult or child is surely one of the greatest protective gifts you can give your kids.
Great article, very nicely put.
Thanks everyone for the great comments! It is sometimes really hard to do things differently than the way we were raised. I think there is a tendency to just fall into that (the same way our kids imitate us when role playing!).
I think my parents did a great job raising us, but there are still things that I want to do differently and I do have to sometimes catch myself or correct my course when I fall into doing what they did.
The interesting thing too is that my parents both had very different styles. Neither of them abusive or neglectful by any means, but my mom was more of a “good job!!!” person (and she still is with my kids!) whereas it was like pulling teeth to get a compliment from my dad, but he always challenged me to do better which I think really helped to motivate me.
You explain this so well!
I would add that my particular sweet spot shifted a bit with each child. I have four kids, and they are all individuals with different needs and different ways of responding. And the youngest child has always had the advantage of having two parents and THREE older siblings modeling behavior.
I used to get heavily criticized for not “punishing” my kids when they were small. But then they grew up and turned out to be really wonderful young adults (they are 22, 20, 17, and 14 now), so people stopped criticizing me ….
This was an excellent post, and the comments have been interesting too. My heart goes out to Anita – I too have based a lot of my parenting on NOT following my parents’ examples. I am lucky enough to see a counselor who believes in attachment parenting and supports all the things I do as a parent. He asked me one time what I thought when my father would hit me for punishment, and my reply was, “Is that the best you can do?” Even as a child I understood that it was not an effective tool.
My feeling is it is almost always best to err on the side of mercy and love. There are many parenting ‘mistakes’ that can be ameliorated by lots and lots of love, and the feelings of security it can bring.
@barelyknittogether:
I love this: “My feeling is it is almost always best to err on the side of mercy and love. There are many parenting ‘mistakes’ that can be ameliorated by lots and lots of love, and the feelings of security it can bring.”
Well said!
Discipline is a big issue for parents, thanks for this.
I just recently got renewed enthusiasm for it, and am glad to see your pointers in print.
I love your site, I’ll be back!
Ideally I fall in the realm of using discipline to teach. So I give her a choice: you can get ready for bed or one of your stuffed doggies goes into toy jail, which do you want? Sometimes I lose it. I hate that I lose it. Thankfully that doesn’t happen as often as it used to when I wasn’t rested (when she was younger). I’ve found that it helps to focus on teaching her only a couple new things at a time (such as eating dinner without a fuss or going to bed without a fuss or getting dressed in the morning without a fuss.. yes there’s a lot of fussing in our house.)
PS found you through the blogging carnival.
Alisa Bowman
http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com
Thank you for another wonderful post. My first babe is not here yet and this is a topic my husband and I do discuss. I was physically abused as a child, so was my mother, and her mother and it is a cycle I do not wish to continue with my kids. I worry that in my case discipline can cross the line to abuse despite seeing therapists about my past (I have never had anger issues, but an abusive past makes it a reality). There are scenarios I have not faced yet, I have not been a parent yet. At this point with our child in utero I keep telling myself I will parent out of love and not anger and rely on my husband and close friends if I feel I am getting anywhere near abuse with my child.
I don’t have a problem with consequences, as long as they’re logical. Like if you don’t clean you room then you can’t find your shoes and you miss the first half of story time at the library. I try to avoid rewards and punishments as much as possible, even when I know it would be easier in the short term. LOL