I suppose it is inevitable that every mommy blogger will at some point in time post about breastfeeding, sleep and poop. I certainly write about the first two regularly and now the time has come for me to discuss bowel movements.
What do you do with a child that is afraid of having bowel movements?
Probably about 5 or 6 weeks ago, she started being very aware of going pee and poo. I thought this was a great sign and would make it relatively easy for her to transition from diapers to the toilet. We started gently introducing the potty, as a follow up to pre-potty learning that we had been doing (books, DVDs, watching mom and dad and little brother use the toilet). Sometimes she would sit for a bit, sometimes she didn’t want to and that is fine. I’m not into forcing the toilet training.
When our son became aware of his bowel movements, he started hiding every time he needed to go. It took ages after he first started recognizing what was going on before we could convince him to go on the toilet. I wrote about that a bit in the poop resistance section of this post on potty learning. Other than almost missing his start at preschool because he wasn’t toilet trained, I didn’t really have a problem with the slow and steady approach.
Now back to my daughter, the problem with her noticing when she needs to have a bowel movement is that she completely freaks out over it. She doesn’t want to go in her diaper, she doesn’t want to go in the toilet. She tries to hold it if she can, which results in her being constipated and which makes it hurt when she does eventually go. We’re trying to use the P fruits (peaches, pears, prunes, etc.) to encourage her to be normal, but she has such a huge aversion to bowel movements now that she makes a huge production about it each time. She is also ultra sensitive to anything happening in her diaper and will ask to have her diaper changed every time she passes gas because she thinks she has done a poop in her diaper. As a result, we get asked for about 15 diaper changes leading up to the eventual poop, but find that the diaper is clean each time we check it.
We have tried sitting her on the toilet when we know that poop is imminent and sometimes that works. She is never happy about it, but she isn’t happy about going in the diaper either. It usually works best if I read her books while we wait for her body to do its magic, but when it does happen, she gets extremely upset again and will then go back into her poop avoidance for a couple of days until the next unavoidable poop incident.
If anyone out there has any suggestions on how I can convince an almost two year old that bowel movements are okay and normal and not something to be scared of, I’m all ears.
{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh my gosh! We are going through this very thing. I am not sure how it got started. I thought she was constipated. One day I realized she wasnt trying to go, she was trying NOT to go! I have not encountered this with any of my other kids, so I am at a loss. I have been giving her Miralax occasionally so she can’t hold it in, and will hopefully stop trying to. She also has major diaper rash. On the plus (?) side, she asks to poop potty all the time, and sometimes actually goes on the potty.
I know I havent offered any help, since I have the same unresolved issue. Sorry. I kind of thought that her diapers were too small (it kind of started when I was trying to use up some diapers that were the next size down) and she had a hurty poop and she’s afraid of that. The too small diapers probably weren’t the culprit, but something happened and now she doenst want to go.
I don’t really know if this might help because my daughter is still not at that stage, but maybe you could try dressing her in regular underwear or maybe cloth diapers. I am just guessing here.
My son went through this too, and on top of it, his sensory disorder makes him a terribly picky eater, which made it just that much harder to get him to eat enough high-fiber/regularity promoting foods. It took us a year or so to get him over it. Yes, a year.
I would recommend that you really focus on two things: making sure her diet is optimal for bowel function, one, and two making sure that the bathroom environment is as low-stress as possible. Medicine (in the form of Miralax or fiber supplements like Benefiber) and bribes (if you go poop, you’ll get this sticker/piece of candy/video on the TV) may also be necessary.
I wound up cutting down on dairy (which can be constipating). Of course some dairy is good for most kids but it’s surprising how much some kids are eating when you add up every cup of milk and slice of cheese. Of course one kind of dairy you would want to promote is yogurt, because of the probiotics.
And I added a lot of extra fiber to my son’s daily diet– like, more than I thought would be necessary for such a small person. At first I resisted because I was trying to get him to gain weight, and of course fiber makes you absorb fewer calories, and I was counting every one, but it turned out it really was necessary.
Good sources of fiber for little kids: dried blueberries, Frosted Mini-Wheats (or organic equivalent), oatmeal (not that MY kid would ever eat this, but yours might), whole wheat crackers. Benefiber disappears into fruit juice and can’t be detected. Of course, there is no serving size on the Benefiber package for kids this small, but you can ask your doctor what he/she thinks would be an appropriate dose.
My daughter got poo-phobic after her gran changed her and said her bum was “stinky”. I did a nature walk with my daughter where we watched cows and horses poo and talked about how her favourite TV characters (Sportacus from Lazy Town, Peppa Pid, Dora, etc) did them too. She became a poo commentator for a while, when anyone left the room or a toy was missing it was “away to do a poo”. Now when she needs to poo she repeats the mantra “everyone does poopoos” and seems to be ok.
It sounds like your daughter is the same age as mine, who will be two next month and was having this same problem. Her problem was due to constipation that started when she was pretty young and resulted in her holding her poop. I tried every food in the book that was supposed to help, and nothing. She even willingly ate 5 prunes in one sitting and still nothing. I finally started her on miralax at a little more that the full dosage of one capful everyday to make sure her poop was soft enough and help get things moving. The nice thing is, you always know when they have to go and can get them on the potty. My daughter fought me the first couple of times, but I just kept her distracted with books, coloring and playing games and hugged her while she was on the potty and explained to her that everybody poops and her tummy would feel better once she was done. I let her see me and my husband use the toilet and also pretended with her toys. I always put her on the adult potty so she couldn’t just walk away. If she absolutely insisted on getting down I would let her get down and put her back on as soon as I saw signs of her holding it again She still tries to hold it a little bit when she’s on the potty, but doesn’t cry like she used to, now it’s more of a a whimper, like “Ugh I hate this!” I always reward her with a bite sized cookie and our “poopy on the potty” dance and I make sure to announce to everyone what a big girl she is and that she went on the potty. Now our problem is getting her to pee on the potty, since you can’t really see that one coming, and she doesn’t always tell us when she has to go.
I hope this helps! Feel free to email me with any questions. I’d be happy to help more if I can.
Hi there!
I don’t have a child that age (yet…lol, my DD is only 15 months) but I remember not wanting to go poop as a child. Why didn’t I want to go? I remember being afraid of what happened to my poop after I was done. I mean it was like a little part of me just disappearing. And I didn’t have any control over it. My parents were also at a loss and it wasn’t until I was almost 4 and could really verbalize my feelings that they came up with this plan… We had a “going away” party for my poop. I know! I know! IT sounds weird but it really helped me. I mean there were hats and everything
Maybe it could work for you too? Whatever helps, good luck in your endeavor!!
I know you probably thought saying this sounded weird, but it’s actually really common for kids to feel attachment to their BM- I encountered it pretty often as a preschool teacher. I don’t know if it was purely my anecdotal experience, but it usually seemed to be more of an issue for boys. Most of them eventually learned to do something similar to what you said- usually saying “goodbye!” every time they flushed.
However, I think this particular problem is a little deeper- I have a dear friend whose daughter had the same problem, and it took her over a year to poop in the toilet for the first time. She would just hold it- she even held it in for 45 minutes after her mom gave her an enema (pre exam for possible colon issues). Eventually they went to flax oil and pedialax, but even then it took a year. She had no problem pooping in her diaper, though, so by this point her mom just put a diaper on her when she had to poop. For her it seemed to be more of a privacy issue and a positional issue. She always had to hide to do it, and she had to poop standing up (I can’t even imagine how that would be easier…). Eventually, though, with lots of patience she worked it out and does fine pooping on the toilet now.
flax seed oil. i can’t say enough good things about this. when the bean is getting backed up we empty a capsule into his juice and like magic things are smoother.
have you tried talking about breathing while pooping? or modeling deep breathes while pooping to help her relax?
ok, i am way too exhausted to make any sense…
We are working on potty learning too. DD is into it for the most part, but once in a while she will not want to sit and I know she has to go (pee or poo). I know it is crazy, but I off her nah-nah (nurse) while she sits on the potty. It relaxes her and she always accepts. I sit on a stool in front of the potty facing her-yes, I am crazy:)
When my baby was around 9 months we were getting a handle on his constipation and this was the way he could go with the least amount of pain. Once in a while my husband would walk into the room and immediatelybwalk out again shaking his head
Now (he’s 13 months) I find goat’s milk yogurt to work its magic everytime… Even better than prunes!
I would definitely consult my pediatrician on this one. My son (who also has a sensory disorder) as well as his good friend have been on Miralax for years now just to keep things moving. Withholding is a detrimental place state both physically and emotionally for a child to reach, so I’d do everything possible to help them get through it (and the Miralax makes it so they can’t hold it in and painless). Good luck hopefully she’ll overcome her fear soon.
Thank you all for the comments! Seems like a lot of people use Miralax, which I’ve never heard of and didn’t see in the store here in Canada. We did get a bit of mineral oil though and put a small amount in some juice for her and that seemed to help move things along and soften them up. Yesterday she was still avoiding bowel movements, but had 2 of them anyways and today she didn’t put up much fuss at all when the time came, so I’m hoping things are looking up. We’re just going to work on keeping things soft and trying to convince her that it is normal and everyone does it.
I haven’t gone through this myself, but I have to agree with Mel in principle. It seems that modeling pooing as a normal thing might work. Perhaps let her see other family members when you go to the bathroom, take her out to a farm or a zoo to see if you can find animals “in the act.” Anything to show her that going to the bathroom isn’t scary and that it’s something we all do.
@Sivana – Thank you for the comment. My daughter has been in the bathroom with us regularly since she was born. I rarely get an opportunity to go on my own! So she is very familiar with what goes on in there.
I would think there’s one of two things going on:
1. Her poos actually hurt in some way (or did hurt at one time). If this is the case, a diet change (like many commenters already suggested) would be a solution along with talking about how poos are supposed to come out (see #2).
2. She is experiencing a “fear of the unknown.” She just discovered that this stuff is coming out of her, doesn’t know why it happens, and freaks out about it. The cure for this is information. Read Everyone Poops to her. Tell her about how everybody – Mommy, Daddy, dogs, cats, etc – poop. Explain what poop is and why it is important to go poop (whether in potty or diapers).
Good luck!
@TechyDad – I think it is actually both! Thanks for the tips. We’re working on those things and making some progress.
I don’t know if you’re still nursing or not, but I actually resorted to nursing my reluctant toddler while she sat on the potty. Not our most pleasant nursing experience, but also probably not our strangest. Anway, it helped her relax and feel safe enough to go, and got her over that initial hump.
Wow. This article gave me flashbacks.
We did everything we could think of, google, read about, and recommend based on years of experience with behaviour therapy. Not a single thing worked consistently until -boom- it happened all at once. From frequent accidents to none overnight. It seemed like our son just needed to be ready, and no amount of training was going to speed it up!
@ Family Anatomy: That was certainly our experience with our son too. He did it when he was ready. With our daughter though, she appears to be scared to have a bowel movement in her diaper or in the toilet. A lot of reassurance and focusing on foods that keep things moving has improved things quite a bit over the past few days, but we were having a horrible time for a week or so.
The toilet training experience reminded me that every child is unique – the tips in books don’t necessarily apply to everyone. Hopefully your daughter will get through it soon.
We are going through the *exact* same thing with our daughter – she just turned 3. The whole thing is stressing me right out! I feel awful for her, seeing her in such discomfort and so obviously distraught over it. I have no clue what triggered it. I’ll be trying to find some Miralax and hoping things get better soon. Good luck to you!!
I just wanted to mention that this is really common, especially in the winter when kids tend to be dehydrated and eat less fruit. Tons of kids go through this. My own daughter went through it and did not poop for 4 weeks. Not once. She was in agony. It was awful. The best thing in the world to do is do NOT pressure the child. Do not constantly ask them if they have to use the potty. Back way off. Don’t mention it, don’t use a timer, don’t talk about it becuase it will become a battle ground. I put my 3.5 year old back in diapers for about 5 weeks. My doctor recommended that she take some Miralax, which helped to soften the first stool to come out after 4 weeks. We made sure she was getting enough liquids and I made sure that cups of water were readily available all day long. We made sure she was eating alot of fresh fruit and veggies, especially watermelon, peaches, plums, etc. Make sure your child is physically active. She was on the Miralax for about a month and then she was back to normal. She is 4.5 now and we make sure to follow these guidelines in the winter to make sure it does not happen again.
Christine:
Thank you for your comment.
She is a big fruit eater, so I have been trying to ensure she has access to as much of it as she wants. I went grocery shopping yesterday and the only thing she really wanted was peaches and they didn’t have any (I hate Winter). She won’t eat canned peaches and there were no fresh ones at either of the two stores I tried. But she is eating melon and strawberries and other things.
I can’t believe your daughter went 4 weeks without a bowel movement. We get really worried and think she is going to explode on the inside when she goes 4 days without one. It’s good to know that we can relax a bit more if it is a long time. The challenge is that I really hate going out in public when it has been more than 3 days or so, because she screams in agony and does a little dance every time she needs to go. I did a 4 hour airplane ride with her doing that recently. Not fun!
Also …this book (It Hurts When I Poop) was really helpful for my daughter in understanding what poop is and why we need to eat food that make it softer…
http://www.amazon.com/Hurts-When-Poop-Children-Scared/dp/1433801310
Thanks! I’m going to see if the bookstore downtown has it on my lunch break today. If not, I’ll order a copy.
hi annie:
breathe…i feel for you. my mother is currently visiting me and my family. she’s been here for over 2 weeks! typically when she comes to visit she divides her time equally but this time we’ve had her all to ourselves. growing up, my mother and i didn’t have the best relationship, but as i grow in motherhood, i find that whatever piece of solicited advice she gives me is welcomed and worthwhile. for example, this morning i had drama with my 5 yo over brushing her teeth! i insisted and she resisted and drama ensued. it was RIDICULOUS. when i later spoke to my mother she simply said, “leave her for now, she will eventually brush them.” [sigh, it all sounds so simple!]
i did not have any potty training issues with my daughters aged 2&5. in fact they started ‘early.’ we did not use the potty instead we purchased a princess toilet seat and put it on the ‘real’ toilet. [i personally have never understood the logic of having a child pee/poop in a separate place]. when my eldest made the transition from diaper to seat she would tell me when/if she had to go and that was that. i also put her on the toilet a few times/day without any fanfare. if she didn’t want to sit, i didn’t force the issue.
when it came time to attend montessori 1/2 day we had the ‘choice’ to attend the toddler class or casa, the difference being that if we wanted our daughter to attend casa she wld need to be completely toilet-trained. at 2 she was already quite verbal and had v good fine motor skills so to place her in the toddler class would not serve her intellectually. so i gave her the ‘choice.’
i purchased name-brand pull-ups [a TOTAL waste of money] and the ‘training’ began. i also purchased padded panties and regular cotton panties for variety. i recall the day when my daughter came out of the bathtub and we proceeded to get dressed. i had laid out the padded panties and the regular panties [some princess design]. she looked at me and asked me where the pull-ups were. i said, “oh, they’re finished, i only have these.” she then insisted that i “go and buy some!” to which i replied, “i don’t have any money.” to which she replied, “well, go and ask daddy for some money!” when i told her that he didn’t have any either she was perplexed. she sat on the bed and refused to get dressed. i calmly told her that the choice was hers. that she could either go BOTTOMLESS all day, or she could choose between the padded panties or the pretty cotton panties. at the suggestion that she go bottomless her eyes widened and she began to laugh. she chose the latter and that was that. we had maybe 1 or 2 accidents over the course of the next few days, and she was on her way! i was actually confused abt what to do at night, so i put on a “nightime diaper.” i was also conflicted because i thought that she might regress, but she didn’t. i explained that i had “nighttime” diapers for each night, but nothing for the day. i also hid the nighttime diapers so she wouldn’t find them. [i also made sure that the nighttime diapers looked different from the diapers that she had previously used in order to not confuse the day/night issue].
now with all of that being said, i know that this does not come close to sufficiently addressing the issue of being afraid to have a bowel movement, but i think if you can somehow take the drama out of the act itself, she might feel better. the issue of umpteen changes will only ‘encourage’ her to extend the drama. so maybe if you lay out say 8 diapers for the day, she knows that she has 8 opportunities to change. over a week you reduce it by 1/2 and then so on. until you don’t have anymore. then you introduce padded panties, and eventually cotton panties. somewhere in between, you go with her to purchase a princess toilet seat or whatever she likes. when she is down to using 8 diapers per day, then introduce the toilet seat. prior to that time, just keep it in the bathroom. get rid of the potty altogether. right now the potty represents something that is causing her discomfort. so just get rid of it. as far as she is concerned she does not have to be reminded of the potty anymore. no potty, no fear. not enough diapers, not so many opportunities to soil them. and so on…
with respect to the change in diet, that might also be causing some stress. all of a sudden she now has to eat all the p-foods. she must certainly be overwhelmed. i’m really big on ‘if i child doesn’t want to do something, don’t force them.’ eventually they find their sea-legs. worst case scenario? she has to have a child suppository to loosen her stools.
and this is what i learned from my mother. as moms, we get stressed out about what our children ‘aren’t’ doing. particularly when they resist. so all we have to do is remove the thing that is causing stress and hopefully the drama will diminish.
hope this helps!
take care, and good luck!
xobolaji
Ours got a bit nervous about it, and avoided BMs though he would pee on the potty (would only go in his diaper). In addition to getting potty DVDs & books to help normalize it, I also got bribes. Yes, I did. Cheap plastic party favors from the party store.
He knew he would get “a pooping present” if he went on the potty, but he was still scared to try it. Then I started having cloth underpants on him at home, and also put the potty near his play area (accessible, but still private).
One day he asked me to put a diaper on him, and I knew he had to go imminently, so I said I would get one while he sat on the potty. And put him on it myself. So when (of course) he pooped on the potty, he got his first “pooping present”, that really changed his attitude. It took maybe two times total, and then he was running over to the potty every chance he could to “try”. Positive associations!
Our son (4) would hold in his poop for over a week at a time to the point where it would make him physically ill. (He would throw up). It was a total nightmare and with our son it was a control issue, he was not constipated. So we called the doctor and he said to give him benifiber chewables and miralax. Well the miralax did nothing for him and we were ready to go the suppository route when we decided enough was enough. We sat him on the potty and told him he could not get up till he pooped. Sure he was upset with us and threw a fit but in the end he pooped. If he refuses to poop during the day on his own we repeat this process in the evening. It only took him a few days to figure out we meant business and now he would rather go on his own when he chooses then us sitting him there. Now keep in mind he was never constipated but he would use his bowel movements as a way to upset and control us so this is why I think the miralax made no difference. We continue to give him the benifiber twice a day and he is now completly daytime potty trained.
Our 2 yo went thru this exact same phase a few weeks ago. Although it was just for a few days, it was agony while it lasted.
I wanted to do the suppositories but I felt sosososo uncomfortable doing it, because she was screaming at the top of her lungs NOOOO MOMMY I DON’T WANT.
For a few days I let her watch me poop. and keep telling her that everybody poops. offered that she can go in her diapers like her baby bro if she wanted. What eventually worked was us not pressuring her AT ALL. One day, I allow her to soak in a warm bath. She asked to pee. I sat her on the potty, gave her the Ipod TOuch to play with and it all came out.
My daughter held her poop even in diapers right around the age we increased the quantity of solids and introduced cows milk. We always were told by daycare she was constipated but I knew by the amount of nursing she was doing plus the sippy cups of EBM that she was indeed trying not to go. When we started potty training at 18 months, it became more clear she was holding. Even on into age three, we had to “run her” to get her to go. When we knew she was “holding” we would make her run around in a fun way. She would relax her bowels and sort of forget and then we’d immediately put her on the toilet. I tried dietary interventions which did absolutely nothing to get her to stop holding. Only the running and getting older really helped
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