I promised a few book reviews as part of my Carnival of Play. This is one I’ve been wanting to review for a long time.
Overview
Playful Parenting by Lawrence J. Cohen explains to parents that play is a child’s way of communicating and understanding their environment. Children use play to explore the world, communicate deep feelings, get close to people that they care about, work through stressful situations, and blow off steam. This book helps parents to harness the power of play, join kids in their world, and use it as a powerful parenting tool for dealing with everything from discipline to sibling rivalry to building confidence and overcoming fears.
What I Like About the Book
I really enjoyed almost all aspects of this book. Larry Cohen’s style is very engaging. He uses a lot of stories and examples to present his ideas, but also references research (footnoted studies) where appropriate. Some things in particular that really spoke to me include:
- Using play to get kids to cooperate. Instead of having a huge battle over things you need them to do that they don’t want to do, find a way to turn it into a game.
- Using play to connect with kids. Once they wean from the breast and grow out of the sling especially, we need to use play to keep a strong connection. I wrote more about this in Beyond the Baby B’s: Attachment Through Play.
- Information on the differences between boys and girls. Larry mentions that the differences between boys and girls are not that significant, but that they way society deals with boys and girls exacerbate them. Girls generally find it easier to connect with people but will need help with empowerment. Boys will have more trouble connecting, but are pushed to be powerful. The book gives parents ideas for undoing some of the gender brainwashing of society by using play to help empower girls and get boys to connect.
- His views on cry it out and self-soothing. He mentions several times in the book that he is against the CIO method and recommends that parents don’t send their kids to their rooms to cry alone or leave them alone to cry themselves to sleep. He says he is starting to see eight, nine and ten year olds in his practice whose parents left to them to cry it out as babies and that they are having trouble sleeping through the night now because of fears, nightmares and worries stemming from feelings that they shut away for years rather than dealing with them.
- Good judgment, not obedience. He talks about the importance of giving children the tools to make sound judgments and choices, rather than teaching them to obey. He says:
Children develop into thoughtful, considerate, honest, and kind adults because of love and affection, because of high moral standards, and because of a close relationship with someone who models those values. I have never seen anyone punished into being good. Bribes don’t work either. Promises, threats, rewards and punishments have been called “the most primitive way of dealingwith human beings”.
- How to help struggling parents. He has some great ideas for how to approach a parent that is having trouble with their kids and maybe using undesirable or abusive practices. He suggests a playful and non-threatening approach and gives some great examples.
What I Don’t Like About the Book
There isn’t much that I didn’t like about this book. If I had one suggestion for making it better, it would be to have a quick summary of the key points or strategies in each chapter. The stories are great, but if I’m going back afterwards looking for reminders, I don’t want to have to read the whole thing again to pull out those great nuggets and ideas.
Recommendation
Every parent should read this book. Maybe if you are naturally a complete goofball and play is your first instinct for interacting with your kids, you might not need it. But in all other cases, I think that parents can get great ideas from this book on how to get their kids to cooperate, how to connect with their kids, and now to help them grow into a confidence and secure human being.
Want more Playful Parenting?
- Playful Parenting Web Site
- Interview with Larry Cohen on Blog Talk Radio
- Something to bump up against – Guest Post by Larry Cohen on API Speaks
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I read this book, too, and I loved it. It’s very practical, and is a great complement to Alfie Kohn’s “Unconditional Parenting”.
I pulled two main points from the book. The first is that we often put off playing with kids because we ‘don’t have time.’ And then we proceed to argue with our child for 20 minutes when we could have played with the kid for 5 minutes and been done. The second was the idea of filling a child’s emotional cup through play. Now that I have two kids I’m not able to spend as much time with my first. By recognizing that a relatively small amount of time spent playing will tide her over and smooth things out, I do a better job of meeting everyone’s needs.
Love this book!
This sounds like something I’d like to read. I did read Unconditional Parenting and go back to it from time to time for clearing my head. Good review. Thanks.
I’ve been meaning to read this book for a while. Your review was very interesting – I’ll definitely pick this book up sometime.
I love this! It fits in well with my natural parenting style (mostly – I don’t always remember to relax and play). I try to make ordinary things a playful experience; it helps that I’m not always a very serious person.
Thanks for reviewing this. It’s so hard to know what you’ll get when you buy a parenting book, unless you trust the reviewer. Which, in this case, I do!
This book has been so helpful for me getting some perspective after an intense bout of sibling rivalry in our family. I had become so resentful (maybe that’s a little strong, but maybe not) toward my oldest for her relentless behavior that I had become much more of a disciplinarian than a playmate and friend. “Connection” is my mantra these days!