Friday
Jun182010
Progressive parenting from a position of privilege?
Friday, June 18, 2010
I am privileged. My husband is privileged. We are white, able-bodied, upper middle class, overeducated, multilingual, well travelled and in a heterosexual relationship. We are raising our two privileged children, a boy and a girl. My partner and I are both very aware of our privilege. We both love and celebrate diversity. We both have political and personal views that support helping those less fortunate than us. We practice equally shared parenting.
I want my children to use their privilege for good. I want them to battle the kyriarchy, not because it oppresses them but because they believe it shouldn't oppress anyone. These are my dreams and my aspirations as a parent. I sometimes write about teaching my children to embrace diversity, to not be closed minded, to be creative, and to be empathetic. Those are all things that I think will help them to be leaders for positive change. I have other ideas as they get older about getting them involved in the community and working directly with people who are less fortunate than us.
But I feel like something is missing. These are all the ideas of a privileged parent on how to raise a privileged child. How and where do I get the perspective of people who are oppressed on how to make my children good allies? Is that even fair to ask, given that it is not the responsibility of people who are oppressed to educate me or my children on their oppression. But I feel like if I do it on my own, despite all the resources at my disposal, I may screw it up.
Suggestions?
Please note: I'm not fishing for a bunch of "oh, you'll do great" comments. I truly am looking for ideas on how to break a cycle and make a change. I welcome your ideas on what has worked for you or what you think might work for us.
I want my children to use their privilege for good. I want them to battle the kyriarchy, not because it oppresses them but because they believe it shouldn't oppress anyone. These are my dreams and my aspirations as a parent. I sometimes write about teaching my children to embrace diversity, to not be closed minded, to be creative, and to be empathetic. Those are all things that I think will help them to be leaders for positive change. I have other ideas as they get older about getting them involved in the community and working directly with people who are less fortunate than us.
But I feel like something is missing. These are all the ideas of a privileged parent on how to raise a privileged child. How and where do I get the perspective of people who are oppressed on how to make my children good allies? Is that even fair to ask, given that it is not the responsibility of people who are oppressed to educate me or my children on their oppression. But I feel like if I do it on my own, despite all the resources at my disposal, I may screw it up.
Suggestions?
Please note: I'm not fishing for a bunch of "oh, you'll do great" comments. I truly am looking for ideas on how to break a cycle and make a change. I welcome your ideas on what has worked for you or what you think might work for us.
Reader Comments (29)
I think one of the most important components to consider is to TALK with them about issues of oppression/race/gender. I'm sure you're already familiar with the study that was outline in the book, NurtureShock (for an excerpt, see: http://www.newsweek.com/2009/09/04/see-baby-discriminate.html )
Sometimes, even when parents think they are doing a good job, saying things like, "We're all human, we're all the same..." etc. etc. they are doing their child(ren) a disservice because the child may notice examples to the contrary and then feel uncomfortable about discussing them with the parent.
It is better to begin the discussion yourself (not talking about it gives an implication to your child that it must be a taboo topic, so they search for information elsewhere, and you may not care for the information those other sources are telling your child.)
(Sorry for the ramblingness of this post, but I'm madly trying to type before one of the girls wakes up. It is only a matter of time!)
I'm a (caucasian) parent of two children, one was adopted transracially. So this issue is near and dear to my heart. Here is a post I have written on a slice of what our life has been like. http://alovelyproblemtohave.blogspot.com/2009_05_01_archive.html
My eyes are now wide open, where they used to be quite closed as an upper middle class white lady (and I thought I 'knew'!). I see the world sooo differently now. Kudos for sticking this post out there. I'd love to learn from what other people have to share as well.
be active in your community. not just "bringing your kids along to the food bank" kind of event ( although that is a good starting spot ) but become involved in community building. there are many programs in place to support people in crisis and lower income areas. one program that comes to mind is a parental support program - where moms model for moms ( usually younger teen moms paired with older moms ).
i think you have to pick your area, where you feel that you can share your most valuable resources...we have a large english as second language population, so helping new arrivals navigate the system, learn basic words, help tutor their kids is something that works in our area...all this is valuable and real life, possible and not platitudinal ( which is what i think you are trying to expand on ). and you can learn about differences (and similarities) in a day to day way.
i do think the idea of "less fortunate" has to be navigated carefully. in my experience, some of these families may have "less stuff" than us (and our equally affluent peers)...but their ideas on family and togetherness and nurturing often give me something to think about, as i am surrounded by broken and challenging family situatons. going in with the realization that there is much to be gained on BOTH sides is essential.
not sure if this is what you were looking for...
Avoid compulsory school, live in the real world connecting with real people, solving real problems and the path will open.
Pat Robinson
As someone who is both privileged (white, cis, currently able-bodied) and not (queer, single mother, low income, mentally ill) I personally think one of the first things you can do is actually to acknowledge those privileges that you have, and realise how they impact on your parenting. That some of the things you see as the right choices are available only because of your privilege, and where possible work in whatever way your time and resources allow you to change the world so that others less privileged than you are able to have the same options as you available to them.
One of the things that really had a huge impact on me was a conversation I was having with a Mum; a woman of colour, and a USian living in a very racist area who said that Alfie Kohn was all very well and good but that if she did not have a quick way to get her children to "behave" in public, they could be subject to consequences much worse than those they'd suffer if she gave them the occasional "time out". I hadn't considered that before, and much as I still admire Kohn and the idea of parenting without punishments and extrinsic rewards, I now recognise that it is something I can do, at least to an extent, because of the way my white privilege plays out.
For my own part, there's nothing annoys me more than the attitude some (privileged) parents have that is "my way is not only the right way (may or may not be true) but everyone else should and can do that too". I'll never forget how angry I got when I read an article by a married woman about how single Mums could home educate too. Apparently, we're just to drop our day jobs and work from home. Because it's that easy, apparently. (I know some single mothers do manage it, and I think they're amazing, but it was the arrogance of a married woman with an earning husband who'd never had to even think about her income saying that).
It starts when, in every article you write here, and any advice you dispense, thinking about whether or not people who do not have your privilege will be able to take your suggestions and advice and use them easily. So I guess it starts by doing what you've just done in this post.
I am privilaged in some aspects, but we are poor, poverty level poor. I can not tell you how hard it is to not feel like crud because of it. Especially in the AP/Gentle parent/natural parent world. So many are much better off, and Rosemary really hit the nail on the head when she wrote about this attitude “my way is not only the right way (may or may not be true) but everyone else should and can do that too”. Specifically the 'can do' part. I can't go out and buy all this random stuff, nice toys, and books to read and help. Plus I live pretty rurally, so I can't just go to an LLL meeting or find other like minded parents. I think the most important thing for your kids is to teach them to not judge a person at face value. Class, money, car, clothes, color, race, all really mean nothing. I think also showing this in your actions, like if you see someone using a food stamps card and then get into a nice car, don't make judgements - they could have inherited the car or be borrowing from a friend to go grocery shopping........... Or even the other way, seeing someone who 'looks' poor and treating them differently. I guess, really, just not treating people differently, or making assumptions about them.
I have to say that I don't think that trying to help those "less fortunate" is enough. On some level, at least in my own personal experiences, there is still that unspoken patronizing feeling of sympathy. I have been a social democrat for years and would debate with anyone about the "realities" of growing up underprivileged, but it wasn't until I lived and worked in the ghetto (as a bartender, not any sort of social worker) that I finally got past that irksome little feeling I never liked to admit: that "they" were different from me, and that on some level, I was better off than "them."
If it wasn't for me building solid friendships on an equitable basis, I don't think I would have ever come to the understanding that I did. Some of these "less privileged" folks became like family to me, and gave me so much more than I could ever hope to return. Those experiences have definitely shaped me as a person, and shaped my understanding of the world around me.
Experiential knowledge, especially when it comes to forming these empathetic and NOT sympathetic beliefs, is in my opinion the only way to go. IMO, it's important to have a knowledge of not only all the bad things, but all the good things the "other" experiences as well. When a person only sees the "other" from one's own position of privilege and not from a more equitable standpoint of friendship and community, it's difficult to see the "other" as much more than some poor soul in need of assistance. But when you get to know a person on the basis of friendship and community, you become a part of that community.
Even though your children will never have to know what it's like to run out of food or have the heat turned off in winter, they can experience that through their friendships with other kids who do go through these things. Your kids will then know that people can have these things happen and yet go on living and playing just like they do.
That is why I think genuine friendships are the best way to ally oneself with anyone else. Friendship is always built on a system of give and take, and in my experience it is precisely this give and take which allows individuals to open up to and accept each other. I hope that I can provide my own son with the opportunities for friendship with plenty of folks from different lifestyles, otherwise, I don't know how he will ever truly understand that people are people, regardless of how they have to or get to live.
If you haven't already, you can:
- read books/listen to music/watch films/read blogs by and about marginalized people
- include marginalized people in your social circles
- talk about what it means to have privilege in your society
- listen to what marginalized people have to say about their own experiences
- understand that your privilege will cause you to mess up sometimes
Just my 2 cents as a opposite sex-partnered, cis-gendered, able-bodied WOC.
i think living/learning/worshiping in an integrated community is the best way to begin to break down walls. if we live in all-white, all-affluent communities of privilege, everyone else will be Other.
doing charity, though necessary, is generally always from a position of power and does little to combat that sense of other-ness or address the root causes of injustice. have the conversations, ask the tough questions, and involve kids in social action as well as service.
For myself, growing up privileged, my parents did a lot of things that helped my sister and I be aware of other people. We traveled, A LOT. We volunteered in soup kitchens. We tutored kids in inner city schools. My parents also had rental homes in poorer neighborhoods, and we spent a lot of time there. They were open and honest with us about the fact that different people had a different socio-economic status, and they also talked to us a lot about how education, dedication and hard work are very important in taking yourself to the next level. We were raised in a Christian household, but we were not only exposed to other religions, we were encouraged to study them and form our own opinions. If we wanted to visit a church or synagogue or anything else to further our understanding, our parents gladly took us and had wonderful conversations with us afterward. They educated us about the Great Depression, Civil Rights, Equality.
As a teen, we moved to West Germany and witnessed not only the fall of the Berlin Wall, but the reunification process of Western and Eastern Germany. Our town (Heidelberg) set up tent cities for refugees and we gave - we gave and gave and gave to help those people feel welcome, to help them feel at home as they lived in tents in a free country after decades of oppression.
When we visited the Southern United States and saw, heard, witnessed the way people were treated differently (living in California and Europe, we were actually quite sheltered to the fact that race was still an issue for some people) they openly discussed that with us. Talked about why it was wrong and how a lot of times, intolerance is passed down from generation to generation and the only way to break that cycle was to educate people and teach tolerance.
They also had us do small things, like give away toys, clothes, school supplies to those in need. We only got new things as gifts, for special occasions, and they were always modest gifts. Afterward, we always went through our things and gave to those less fortunate.
I plan to continue so many of those things with our own kids. Already, we do many of those things. I openly discuss so many things with them, even though they are only 3 and 6, and answer all of their questions openly and honestly. We give, they give, and we communicate a lot.
I hope that I do even half a good a job as my parents did!
Volunteer, volunteer, volunteer! And not by sending food or fundraising, but up close and personal. Even children can understand human suffering and see the human spirit triumph through it, even if they can't vocalize it.
Travel. Travel is a luxury of the privileged, I'll admit, but it is what has allowed me (a privileged white U.S. born female) to understand local and global inequities. As a college professor who teaches about inequality, poverty, and structural violence I always find that those students who are most open to my message are those who have traveled abroad - even if abroad just means Cancun. Maya Angelou said it best:
"Perhaps travel cannot prevent bigotry, but by demonstrating that all people cry, laugh, eat, worry, and die, it can introduce the idea that if we try and understand each other, we may even become friends."
I'm in a rather privileged position as I go about raising my kids. It's really a weird switch for me. I grew up in poverty. The kind of poverty where you steal food in order to eat and you are frequently homeless. My children will never understand that kind of need because I 'married up'. (To be fair, before I married him I had put myself through college and grad school and was a high school teacher--hardly a lower class job.) I have enormous class issues and at this point in my life I believe that a great number of things that are labeled as 'white privilege' are almost as much about socio-economic status as race because until I climbed out of the gutter I didn't have them. (I'm not saying that all people who are poor live in the gutter. I did. My family still does.)
It's freakin complicated. Most of my childhood was spent in places where whites were *not* more common than other races. I didn't understand a lot of racial biases when I was very young because they were so completely outside my experience. (Black men are scary? Huh? Uhm, I've never been raped or beat up by a black man but I have by a number of white men. Why are black men scary again?)
I very consistently and consciously talk to my daughter about the differences in how people look. She is only two so these conversations are pretty limited even though she is exceptionally verbally precocious. She seems to feel no inhibitions about talking about the color of skin or hair or eyes of the people around her. Near as I can tell she is learning that they are just variations. The books we have for her very consciously and deliberately have representations of people of various ethnicities and she loves her black doll and her Asian doll as much as she loves her white dolls. So far her names for them are based on the color of their clothing rather than their skin and I think that is interesting.
I am also queer in a heterosexual marriage. It's... awkward for me personally. However my daughter is going to grow up with 'aunts' and 'uncles' who are every color of the rainbow and every sexual orientation under the sun. As much as I 'pass' for upper middle class, hetero, completely average my daughter's world won't be limited by those distinctions. One of my biggest goals as a parent is to show my daughter how much privilege she has and communicate that she is not 'better' because she has it. She's lucky. It's awesome to have privilege (especially socio-economic privilege) but it does not reflect on your worth as a person to have it or not have it. Many of our closest friends are barely scraping by and she is going to be deeply involved in the lives of people who are barely surviving.
Mostly I just feel like the thing I can do best for my kids is to involve them in the world and the world is messy and complicated. My very closest friends represent just about all the diversity you can have in a major metro area. (Ok, to be fair... I don't have a lot of right wing conservative friends. That's the big gap. I do have some very conservative Christian friends who are still socially liberal...)
We do a lot of talking (although, having now read the Newsweek article linked to by Stephanie, maybe it's not enough or as focused) about differences we see in people - disabilities, skin color, religion, language, etc. It's a bit easier and more natural for us to have these conversations since we are white people living in Lesotho - the differences are fairly stark. But we had them to some degree as well. I think these conversations are the important basis for life-long attitudes, and then you follow up with actions, both big and small. Mami says we should treat all people with respect, whether they are like us or not - does she actually do so? the waiter? the bus driver? the guy at the corner waiting to cross the street? I think it's particularly telling how we treat the people who are in positions of lesser power, and I think kids notice that the most. We talked about Obama's election and what it meant, we talk about the history of apartheid and slavery and racial segregation and the affect it had on people we actually know. We talk about these issues each year on MLK Jr day, and on other occasions when it comes up. (And I'm very glad that we DO talk openly about skin color after reading that Newsweek article!)
Those are the small actions of everyday life. The bigger actions relate to the help we offer to those less privileged. My kids and I each have a Kiva account and we each choose to whom we will make our individual loans - they pick and we talk about the difference our $25 will make in someone's life. We participate in food, clothing, and toy drives - including the part where the items are delivered to those who need them. We talk about what happens to the money we pay in taxes and where it goes in social services, and the money we donate in church. We give our guards and housekeeper fare wages and bonuses and treat them fairly. We participate in the lives to a degree (recognizing that there is a limit that they are comfortable with unless we form a strong friendship).
One thing I'm not entirely sure how to address is my 5 yo son's recent statement that he likes America better because people don't beg there. I think this is a reaction to seeing someone beg for money here in Lesotho (which we actually don't see often), and we've talked about how there are poor people in every country, but we just don't see them much when we visit America, and how it can make us uncomfortable, etc. I'm not sure that I handled it the right way, but I figure at least keeping the conversation open is helping him process a bit.
We try not to force the actions, but we open the door to the real conversations about real people and see where the opportunities in our daily lives will lead us. We're not perfect, but we are trying, and I hope that this will help us raise kids with a social conscience.
Like some of the other posters here, I am both privileged (very educated, middle class, straight, married) and not (biracial, differently abled). I got so frustrated in my old neighborhood, where I was one of the few minorities and differently abled students, because my classmates just did the very surface volunteer work (if that) and assumed they knew everything there was to know about the world around them. Handing out food at soup kitchens and volunteering to play with kids at the hospital are great things, but you don't get to understand those communities that way.
Kids need to be exposed to those who are different from them on a regular basis, in situations where the people in the minority are most comfortable. You could enroll your kids in a school where White students are not the overwhelming majority. I found dolls that are differently abled and I plan to buy my son one or two to help start conversations when he's older about all the different ways people look and get around. Conversations are vital. We need to take every opportunity to talk about privilege and how we can use it for good. We also need to discuss why people are the way they are and why that's ok. I mean, I get so sick of hearing that everyone who is low-income chooses to be, that the mentally ill are "crazy," and that the differently abled are to be pitied/are incapable/are lazy. It's after 1 AM here so I'm not sure how much sense I'm making, but I hope you get what I'm saying. As a differently abled person I just get frustrated with the able-bodied people who kind of patronize us, all the way thinking they are being so open-minded. We're people just like anyone else, and can do many things despite our limitations. I really, really want my kids to be able to see and celebrate that.
Hi. I came across your blog through a link to another post, and then noticed this one. As it sort of ties in with some issues I have noticed in a lot of different areas right now, I felt the need to actually comment.
I grew up fairly privileged, but not completely. I remember the tough times growing up (when there was very little furniture, nothing but hand-me-downs and bargain clothes, and the cheapest of crappy food - but we were housed, dressed, and fed), but by time I was in high school we were solidly middle class with a certain amount of luxury attached. I went on, however, to end up a divorced mother on a fixed disability income, with physical challenges to deal with and no family or safety net anywhere nearby.
I also fall into "non-mainstream" and marginalized areas in other, more personal ways.
For me, oddly enough, the transition to being very poor (and even homeless at one point) wasn't as hard as one might think. I may not have been there before, myself, but I grew up with friends who had. My parents, bless them, supported me when I would raid out pantry during high school to grab canned foods and such to take to my friends who were struggling to get by while their parents literally did things like take off on crack binges. I was allowed these friendships (where I actually know parents who block them, as being unsafe), and I was allowed to help as I saw fit because I understood the situation. My friends knew I had Plenty and came from a house with a hot tub in the backyard and a boat in the driveway, and I knew they were worried about what they would be eating day to day and how to keep the power on. They accepted me and my help because I did not "bestow" it upon them, I just *shared* what I had and enjoyed their company, and helped them in ways that mattered... and not in the ways I simply assumed would help.
Now? People drive me insane with their insisting on "helping" me in the ways they want to believe work, which are mostly designed, as far as I can tell, to make them feel better in some way. Most of it just shows a complete cluelessness on their part and reeks of patronizing privilege. I also run into -constantly it seems - people gushing about how they want to "advocate" my cause (often in ways I didn't even think of myself as 'a cause') because they "empathize" with the plight of "those less fortunate". And I know their heart is in the right place, but it does make me want to throw things at their heads as often as not.
There are a lot of good suggestions here, such as actually including people from marginalized groups in your social circle and letting your children attend diverse schools or groups... but those also depend on those being options for you where you live and I am not going to assume that is the case. I was lucky enough to live in a very diverse area growing up, and what that taught me is actually why I decided to send my daughter to public school, but in some areas diversity is just hard to come by.
As far as (hopefully) helpful suggestions go, this is what I can offer up:
1) Don't skirt around or brush aside the idea of differences. Acknowledge them. The whole "we're all the same" thing is good in certain contexts, but not when realistically assessing a situation. Different people have different challenges, and understanding that (which is necessary to effectively help fix it) means understanding what those differences are. Ridiculously white-washed, overly-PC insistence on overlooking (as in denying) differences just ends up seeming incredibly patronizing and dripping with privilege.
2) Don't feel guilty about privilege. Some of the worst offenders in being patronizing and naive about differences are acting out of a guilt about being well-off. Make sure to teach your children that they should appreciate their blessings, because a lot of compassion-for-others comes out of a gratitude for one's own good fortune. My own daughter feels "lucky" because she has more than some of her friends - sometimes in material ways (for all our struggles, there are always those worse off), and sometimes in having "parents who really care".
3) Teach them to simply be objective. People are people, and some are good people having a hard time and some are not-so-good people, no matter what category they might belong to. Having less, being a minority, being disabled, whatever... each person should still be taken for who they are. Automatically giving someone extra consideration as a person just because they may be disadvantaged or a minority in certain ways is just the flip side of discrimination and can be incredibly patronizing.
4) Teach them that you *can't* understand what it is like to be in someone else's situation, no matter what it is, and so you can't say you know what is best for another's situation with absolute certainty. You can learn, you can observe, you can offer to help in the best way you know how, and you can open dialogs to try to understand better; but you can't say you know how it feels. Teach them it is okay to admit sometimes that your assumptions were wrong, and to learn from those moments.
5) Teach them history, and the history of different struggles, in ways they can identify with. Don't shy away from the "messy" parts of history. Let them get outraged, point out how far we have come and how lucky they are, and point out how far we have to go. There are actually a *lot* of books out there aimed at kids of different ages that tell "first person" stories of different points in history (and the struggles that came with them) in age-appropriate ways. They cover a lot of american history, including slavery, immigrant discrimination, civil rights, and gender attitudes/struggles through different eras. From what I saw working book fairs at our school, Scholastic carries quite a number of them. I found, with my daughter, that they are actually a fabulous way to open discussion about how some people have/had things to overcome that we do not, and how things should be (and what we might do about it). Studying different cultures together can also open doors to a more organic understanding, acceptance and openness to differences of any sort.
i would definitely second the volunteer message but also throw in the differently abled angle as well as the poverty/race/gender orientation direction a lot of other commenters are mentioning. I think having a child recognise at an early age that there is a human being first and foremost behind every encounter they have is an important life skill, and recognising that these human beings will look different compared with themselves is a benefit. I volunteered a few seasons with an adaptive snowboarding group with a 'mixed bag' of abilities and took my wee guy along (from the womb onwards to walking). I hope he remembers these experiences and carries them usefully into future life.
PS: they do get 'helping the less fortunate' messages rammed into them in school too so it is important to provide some concrete practical examples too to counter the airy fairy stuff too
I recommend, when your kids are old enough, getting out there and jumping right in. There are lots of things about disadvantage that you can't really "get" unless you've experienced it firsthand.
Here in the US trying to get any kind of aid is frequently humiliating, frustrating and degrading. For example, I applied for a "scholarship" to use our city pool last year. For this I had to provide our tax returns- by far the easiest application I've completed. When we got to the pool, they couldn't find our pass until I clarified that it wasn't a regular pool pass, it was a need-based pool pass, which apparently they keep in a special file, so if you want to use it, you must announce to everyone in line that you can't afford to go to the pool on your own.
Pool passes are easy- health insurance is a nightmare. I spent a two full work days faxing and copying items including our taxes, health insurance history, housing history, birth certificates, school records- 46 pages worth of personal information. 6 weeks later I received a request for the value of our (10 years old, 160,000 miles on it) car suggesting we sell it for health insurance. By this time we had already bought health insurance with the assistance of grandparents, so I ignored the request.
A month later my 5 yr old got a letter saying "sorry, you didn't qualify for state insurance because _________ was uncooperative with our requests." My name in the blank. A week after that, a letter came addressed to my infant saying, "congratulations, you have been approved for state insurance." (presumably because I was cooperative) Of course, we can't buy insurance for just one child- our policy already covered all of them.
That's the result of a mom with a graduate degree in social work doing the paperwork- I've had professional experience dealing with these things. I can't imagine trying to navigate that labyrinth without training, a lot of patience, time and resources- things that are generally not abundant when you're already broke.
So if there are local places where you can jump in and offer assistance in filling out paperwork, making advocacy calls or just being present, I would definitely expose your children that way. We also have friends in different circumstances and we talk about laws that people try to pass to make it harder for them to be parents and impossible for them to marry.
We also participate in a local "truckload sale" where we buy our groceries in bulk- at that sale there's a list of what the local pantry needs for healthy food and we share whatever we buy.
Yes, expose your children to the volunteer work, but also teach them compassion. There but for the grace of God go I. Money will not shield you from your life changing forever in a split second. Money can not prevent mental illness. Money can not prevent paralysis (I've witnessed this with two friends). Money can not prevent cancer. People do not choose these situations. My child did not choose mental illness, but she could very well end up homeless b/c of it. She is dealing with the genetics and environmental effects that she was born into (orphanage in Russia) and all I can do is work with it. These are the cards that were dealt. Compassion. If there was only more compassion...
angela:
Thank you for your thoughts. I was thinking of "less fortunate" more from the perspective of privilege, which could include material aspects, but also other aspects. For example, being less fortunate because you are discriminated against, have to fear for your safety, etc.
Amy:
All that paperwork sounds horrendous. I'm so sorry.
I volunteered one year to help low income Canadians and immigrants with their tax returns. Unfortunately (or fortunately), they had too many volunteers and I wasn't needed in the end.
I just wanted to say thank you for all of the great ideas and stories here. I'm reading, and re-reading, and absorbing. Thank you.
I love this post (I never comment). Not many people will admit to parenting from a position of privilege.
Its great that your eyes are open to the position and that you do everything possible to create a well rounded family.
You ladies are wonderful. I've really enjoyed this thread and it has given me a lot to think about.
Gods know I don't have all the answers, and I manage to screw a lot of them up myself. What I've gathered is to keep communication open, regularly unpack your privilege in front of the kids, and press empathy as often as you can.
I too and privilaged and therefore, so are my children. My children, although I don't like to classify them as spoiled, do get what they want, for the most part, not only because I can't say no, (another story altogether!) but because if I can provide them things they want, why not? At the same time, let me just say that we raise our children to be respectful, to appreciate everything we have, to share, to teach them about the world and that we have to work HARD for what we want, to stay in school to get educated, and to give back as much as we can. We donate to CHEO often, and we recently gave 3 massive bags filled with toys and books to a pregnant single mother who requested stuff for her baby-to-be. My children love to donate, they love to help out when they can, and they are very well behaved despite their privilage. We talk about others in parts of the world who are less fortunante than us, and we answers all questions my oldest son has openly and honestly. As long as we keep them grounded, aware, and on a continuous learning cycle, while helping others, they'll be okay! :)
Because I have been parenting first as a single mom and now as a low-income parent, i can speak to parenting without that particular privilege. My suggestion is that you guys consider doing an exercise that was created to help social workers understand the obstacles that income support recipients truly face. the original exercise was a theatre/performance art piece that took them through the "maze" of conflicting and onerous requirements that recipients are faced with. i can't help you to access that piece, but i can suggest a similar exercise. find out how much money your family would receive if you were forced to turn to Ontario Works in order to survive. I know you're in Germany now, so this would be when you're back home, but call up your local OW office and find out how much you'd receive. then actually live on it for a month. or as long as you can stand it. this might be a better exercise for older kids, but try to put yourself in the place of a family that has to decide between rent and food, because those are the choices that low-income Canadians are faced with. Try and do the math on whether you can afford to work in a minimum wage job, taking into account the cost of daycare and the deductions from your monthly allowance, (which are often higher than what you earn, but are at least 50%, the highest marginal tax rate in Canada is paid by income support recipients) keep in mind that you will probably not be able to afford a car and try and live entirely without one for a month. do your grocery shopping on the bus, or in a taxi. shop the grocery stores in low income areas and discover that the prices are HIGHER because the owners know the poor people can't get transport to shop around. actually try to live the life. talk to your children about it. whenever you make a spending decision, talk about the difference between what your usual income will buy and what the budget allotted on income support buys. TRULY walk a mile in the shoes of another. It is then that you'll begin to understand, have compassion and perhaps make some changes. However, just understanding really helps.
[...] Nature, Nurture and More : Books that Influenced Me The Empathy Deficit Teaching Tolerance Progressive Parenting from a Position of Privilege (read the comments for great ideas) // [...]
All I can share is the journey I traveled, which sounds similar to yours. I took my skills, human relations, and went into the most oppressed population I knew in our county and applied my skills as a volunteer. I did this for 5 years or thereabouts. I helped families who were members of our local NAACP branch whittle through the outrageous policies and procedures of our local school system's student code of conduct and expulsion policy. Through those experiences I was able to understand so much more, and see so much more , and gain friends who other than their skin color seemed to be much more like me than different. But through trust and time, I learned very deeply that MLKs words were true - what wrongs one, wrongs us all. White, heterosexual and the privileged just haven't been in the minority - yet - but when they are - and they will be - the exact same policies and procedures will oppress them equally.
I think you're overthinking it. Just treat the people you meet with respect.