This post isn’t addressed to any person in particular, but is addressed to any friend who ends up not breastfeeding. I was inspired to write it when I read these words by my friend Arwyn from Raising My Boychick:
So make the space. When someone says she didn’t breastfeed because it was creepy, listen to her. When someone doesn’t want to tell you why she didn’t breastfeed, or gives you a reason you know to be false, realize you don’t know the whole story, and grant her her privacy. When someone says she didn’t love every damn minute of nursing, don’t assume she’s anti-breastfeeding.
Mostly, shut up and listen.
I agree with Arwyn’s words, but wanted to take it a step back and explain to my readers and friends why I won’t ask: “Why aren’t you breastfeeding?”.
Dear friend,
I won’t ask you why you didn’t breastfeed. It isn’t because I don’t care about you (I do). It isn’t because I don’t want to hear your story (I’m here to listen). It isn’t because I’m judging you smugly in silence (I’m not). But I won’t ask you.
I won’t ask you because it is none of my business. The decision to breastfeed or not is a very personal one. People sometimes have very personal reasons for choosing not to breastfeed. That can include medical reasons, past sexual abuse, or simply feeling repulsed by the idea of breastfeeding. Sometimes people really wanted to breastfeed and tried really hard, but it just didn’t work out and talking about it opens the wounds again each time. So I won’t ask, because I don’t want people to feel forced into telling me something extremely personal and I also don’t want them to lie about their reasons in order to avoid telling me something so personal. I respect your privacy.
I also won’t ask you because I don’t like people inadvertently spreading myths about breastfeeding. While a lot of people do stop breastfeeding for perfectly good reasons (personal ones or medical ones), there are also lots of people who stop breastfeeding because they believed something that just wasn’t true. Maybe they thought their breasts would get saggy (not true), maybe they thought they didn’t have enough milk because their baby always seemed hungry (sometimes true, but usually not), maybe they thought a bottle would help their baby sleep better (nope), maybe they believed that because their diet isn’t perfect that their baby wouldn’t get enough nutrients from breastmilk (not true). When they repeat those myths over and over again, other people internalize them, believe them, pass them along and contribute to myths passing as truths.
So I won’t ask.
But if you do want to tell me your story, which a lot of people do, I am here to listen. I will, as Arwyn suggests, first and foremost shut up and listen. When I respond, I will never question whether you tried hard enough or whether your reasons were good enough. That isn’t my place. I will support you and I will mourn with you the loss of your nursing relationship (if that is how you perceive it).
But, and this is where it becomes difficult for me, I will try to gently correct any incorrect information that you share. I won’t jump right in and say “that is complete nonsense”. Instead, I will ask questions and try to understand why you believe what you do. As I do that, I’ll try to find the most gentle, caring way to share with you the information I have that is different.
This is really hard because people get defensive. They may get defensive because they are using a commonly held breastfeeding myth as a cover for a deeper reason for not breastfeeding that they do not want to share and they really don’t want their cover to be blown. Or they may get defensive because they really believed that myth and if it isn’t true, then it puts their decision into question. I don’t want to blow anyone’s cover and I don’t want anyone to feel bad about a decision that they made, especially if they made it because of bad information given to them by someone else. But…but…but…I don’t want other women to give up on breastfeeding because they believe something to be true that really isn’t true and I don’t want you to be robbed of the opportunity to nurse your future children (if you want to) because you believe something that really isn’t true.
So I’ll listen, I’ll support you, I’ll support your decision (whether made with good information or bad), but I will, ever so gently, correct any information that is not true. And I’m so sorry for that. I hope you can forgive me.
Take care,
Annie
I should note as well, because I couldn’t find a way to work it into the letter, that if I know a friend is planning to breastfeed, I often try to arm them with good information (e.g. good books, good websites, how to find a lactation consultant) ahead of time and let them know that I am there if they have any questions at all. I extend the offer to help, but I don’t push it. It is up to them to take me up on the offer if they so choose.
Image credit: Lettres de Lou by Arslan on flickr
{ 137 comments… read them below or add one }
This is beautiful. Thank you. Your friends are very lucky to have you in their corner.
I owe my breastfeeding success to the women who were kind enough to listen and help.
(There were plenty who were negative, though, that’s for sure.)
I only hope that someday I can pass on what I’ve learned!
Thanks again for another wonderful post. This articulates so well what I’ve been thinking about recently. I’ve been in this situation a few times recently and I know that my attempts to correct misinformation about breastfeeding (mostly the “formula will help my baby sleep”-myth) have gotten people’s backs up a bit. I’ve felt really terrible that my friends might have even for a split-second thought that I don’t support their decision (which is never the case). Personally, this is a great reminder that I really do need to employ the “just shut up a listen” approach a bit more, but also not to give up on dispelling all the misinformation out there about breastfeeding. Thanks.
This describes so articulately how I feel.
I support everyone who wishes to breastfeed. I mourn the loss of their nursing relationship with them… or FOR them. I always wish I could do more to help.
One of my close friends had her baby recently. She was bound and determined to breastfeed, and I shared advice with her… websites that had helped me, and my “A Nursing Mothers Companion” book, my nursing pillows. When she struggled, and became disappointed, and I watched her using nipple shields, bottle feeding her 2 day old because he ‘fell asleep too often to nurse”… I mourned. I hated that she wouldn’t accept my help. I wished she would ask. I offered once, “anything, any help you might need, I am here.”
And I stepped back to let her fail or succeed as she saw fit. It hurt me more than I can describe that she didn’t value my experience as a nursing mom, nor as a woman that has helped multiple other moms adjust to nursing. But I would not force anything upon her. Some people have to forge their own path, wherever it takes them.
I will continue to offer my help to other new moms, hoping they accept it before giving up.
I recently told a friend that what another friend told her (That her son would never take a bottle because she didn’t start it early to ‘get him used to it’) was wrong and likely the cause of her latch issues and sore nipples. I tried to do so nicely (The other friend in this issue is my very best friend in the whole world and I meant no offense, we’re good at telling each other when the other is wrong!) and offered to help the new mother by showing her a few positions and tricks for getting a nice wide open mouthed latch. She declined at the time and I haven’t heard from her since.
I keep going over the conversation in my mind and asking myself ‘was I too pushy?’, ‘was my information overwhelming?’. ‘Did I approach her issue with enough love and support or did I make her feel pressured and bullied?’ I hope that she is doing well, and that she called the lactation consultant I suggested and continued to breastfeed. but I can’t help but feel guilty that I couldn’t help, and that it has caused a disconnect.
Give her some time. It may not be a disconnect at all. Remember how exhausting the first few weeks (and months!) are. She may just be overwhelmed and need some time to adjust. You can always take her a delicious meal ready to throw in the oven to remind her that you are thinking of her and how much you care for her.
This is really great, and so true – it’s advice I should probably take because I more often than not ask how nursing is going, if they are doing it etc.
But wrong information is wrong information. If you tell me that Canada was founded in 1901, I’ll correct you. If you tell me incorrect information about breastfeeding/bm etc. I will likely, although gently, correct you.
If you say it is creepy, I will be shocked and extremely disappointed that it is viewed that way. I guess it would be silly of me to ask why we have them in the first place.
I think it would be wise to consider WHY a woman might consider it “creepy” before passing judgement. You would probably be horrified with me because, in my case, it does disturb or “creep” me. Why? Because I was molested for a long time by 2 different men. It doesn’t bother me at all to see someone else do it, but I cannot. Please keep these things in mind before you express your “extreme disappointment” to them.
The above letter was beautiful.
It is shocking and extremely disappointing when a person is molested, Lainie. I am so sorry that you were victimized and I’m sorry it continues to affect you and your family today. I don’t think Rebecca was judging you or others in your shoes. She was referring to the article recently published in Mother & Baby Magazine where the editor described breastfeeding as creepy and her “fun bags” as for her husband only.
I enjoyed these comments by both of you – and the blog post… many people may be hindered from BF-ing b/c of medical or emotional distress. And I am so sympathetic to them and support their decision. But I also agree with Lushka in that the editor of the mag gave superficial reasons for thinking BF-ing was creepy – to me, it seemed she put her sexuality and “fun” before the need to care/feed her child. The tone smacked of misplaced priorities. Had she voiced her opinion less flippantly or with a more serious reason for feeling this way (as you did), or with more respect for those who BF there probably would not have been such an uproar. Breast-feed or don’t breast-feed, but each decision must be treated with respect.
Perfectly stated, Julie.
Perfectly worded. Nothing I can say could possibly add to this. Thanks.
Shared. Just beautiful, and gentle.
I have a friend who just had a baby. I told her that if she needs resources, I can get them to her and if she wants help, I will do everything I can to help her meet her breastfeeding goals, but I won’t mention it again if she doesn’t bring it up.
It’s hard: you don’t want to underestimate someone’s desire to breastfeed and not give them the help they need, but you don’t want to overestimate it either and look pushy.
What a great post, it actually brought me to tears. I would have written this to my best friend and worded it just the same. She asked for my help and I flew from CA fo FL to be there for her and her decision to breastfeed but even with my help she gave up because her other kids had done fine on formula. It devistated me, but it wasn’t my decision to make. I grieved in silence (and of course to my hubby) but never let her see it.
What an awesome post, and a fabulous reminder. I, too, don’t shut up and listen enough. I respect the fact that everyone will make their own opinions on these things, but to just be there and listen is sooo important.
What a lovely and well-put post! I have been That Woman who needed a lot of help and have grabbed it everyplace I could find it. To the best of my knowledge, hypoplasia has meant I’ve needed supplementation for our two girls, but I was pleased to nurse our last child for 3.5 years anyway and am trying now to read and prepare for a more successful nursing experience this winter.
I am glad when people don’t force information on me; instead waiting for me to inquire about it when I feel secure and comfortable. I have also been alarmed at how many people offer information as if they know and are sharing utter nonsense. I know I need help but even *I* know that the nurse where I asked for my old mammogram films was mistaken when she said I shouldn’t even bother trying to figure out how or why I couldn’t nurse 100%. She said her milk ‘wasn’t rich enough’, and mine probably wasn’t either, and I should save myself the bother but she’d give me the films if I really wanted them. I did– I thought my lactation consultant and LLL leader might like to see them, and thought it might help with glandular tissue questions. She shrugged and handed them over. I was embarrassed, but I got what I came for.
Anyway, especially if someone’s just going to perpetuate myths I’d rather they say nothing than act like they know what they’re talking about– ESPECIALLY if they’re a medical professional. That being said, I’m SO glad to accept real help whenever and wherever I can find it, and am glad to have friends like you who listen and help as I’m ready to divulge and share my struggles and concerns.
Jen – I completely get the hypoplasia issue, as that is something i struggle with. I had to supplement my two kids (the first about 50% as he got beyond the first couple months, the second very little) but was able to nurse the first for two years and the second is still going strong after 18 months. Just for your information, your body does make more breast tissue with each pregnancy. I could actually palpate and FEEL the difference the second time.
Also the second time I was very aggressive with non-medical supplements and I think they helped TREMENDOUSLY. (There is a post on my blog if you wanna go look). I also was aggressive about using borrowed milk with my second his first week instead of formula and then made my own formula (Weston Price) which made me feel better about the whole thing.
With a third pregnancy you might find that you DO make enough milk for the baby on your own (I ALMOST did with the second) even if you have to nurse ALL THE TIME. Rah Rah you for pushing through the very real medical issues and finding a way to do all that you could for your baby.
So grateful, Kimberly! *checking blog*
Jen, I was going to shoot you an email, but your blogs don’t seem current. Wanna leave me your email over at MY blog? There is probably an easier way of doing this, but I don’t know it. Sigh.
Absolutely fabulous post. I am one of the many that tried and failed 3 weeks in for many, many reasons. I do feel, and probably always will feel, horrible about that. Always teary when I think about it. Thanks for being such a wonderful and respectful friend to anyone like me you happen to meet. I am always scared of being judged (particularly because every friend I have that has chosen to breastfeed has done so successfully, and it makes me feel so inferior!) and I hope that most of them (if not all of them) feel as you do! Love your blog, so thanks for writing!
UGH. I am so sorry that it is so emotional for you. I had very real medical reasons for not being able to exclusively breastfeed my kids and it is also teary for me. I get mad at my body for failing me. But then I realize that it didn’t, and I didn’t: I have two healthy, happy kids who are just lovely. We parent the best that we are able. Hugs.
I wish everyone who advocates breastfeeding (or any other issue around parenting) would adopt the same philosophy. I’m personally very thankful for the (non-judgmental) lactivist community online and the information you put out there because in future, I hope to have more success breastfeeding through what I’ve learned.
This is beautifully and respectfully written. I agree with Fearless Formula Feeder who says that your friends are lucky to have you in their corner.
I also do not ask if a friend either is breastfeeding or, if she didn’t, why she didn’t. It is genuinely not my business and the subject is such an emotional and difficult one for many women. I can still remember how shattered I felt when a well-meaning friend, visiting when my eldest was 6 days old and not latching well (she was a late prem), watched me struggle to attach her then eventually give her a bottle of expressed breast milk in tears, and said “You know she’s going to get nipple-teat confusion, right? You’re kind of sabotaging the future there. You’ll never get her going if you don’t just persist with it.” I was devastated and I did not feel like I was able to even speak to that friend for months.
On the other hand, a friend who listened to me sympathetically when I was in despair at 2 weeks postpartum, hugged me, and said, “Hey, if you want, I could give you the number of the LC I used? She’s really good and not too expensive” was my greatest breastfeeding hero. That LC helped my eldest and I over the hurdle and she went on the breastfeed until 16 months, self-weaning early into my second pregnancy. That kind of breastfeeding advice, information, support was so welcome to me (the same friend, herself a nurse, set my fears to rest about breastfeeding my second with a staph infection in my nipples – various scaremongers had put the frighteners on me about that, but my friend gave me the *facts* and the facts strengthened me. That child went on to feed until 23 months).
With my friends, I try always to supportive and available, and to share information when asked. I actually don’t tend to directly contradict people if they are talking just to me about their own experience – after all, it may not be objectively true that giving a baby a bottle helps them sleep through the night earlier, but if the person in front of you is convinced that it did for *her* baby, doesn’t it sound a little rude to flatly deny her subjective experience? I wasn’t, after all, there, with *that* baby, in *that* situation. Where I do (gently, I hope) intervene is when myths are being passed on to other mothers or mothers-to-be. The ones that are by far the most pernicious in my circle of acquaintance are 1) Formula makes babies sleep longer earlier and b) Lots of women don’t make enough milk for their babies. When I hear those ones being trotted out in general conversation, I do take them on. I hope I do so respectfully – I certainly aim to – but it would be wrong to let them stand if doing so contributes to disinformation that can harm another woman’s ability to nurse downstream.
It’s great that you have information and resources you can offer, but think your are 100% correct that it is none of your business unless asked and it is 100% up to the mother to make the decisions regarding her baby even if you think they are bad.
My baby had a great latch to begin with, and I had a great milk suply, but he despised the flow of my milk – I say despised because he screamed miserably whenever I attemptied to nurse him during the first three months. I had a really traumatic birth experience that ended in a c-section and after that I suffered really severe postpardum depression and anxiety. On top and maybe because of that, my baby basically cried whenever he was awake for three months. It was just too much for me to take. I felt like the one thing that would calm most babies made mine even more upset. I spent hours with a lactation consult and tried different positions. I finally moved to the pump. I thought when my baby got older he would handle my let down and we would go back to nursing, but I found that it took longer to nurse than to give a bottle in the middle of the night and since I went back to work (and have to use my brian there) sleep was crucial. At 6 months I am still pumping. I will do it as long as I can, and its easier now that I have a full supply because I’m down to 3 times a day. I do supplement when my milk gets wasted (if he’s not actually hungry when I think he is), but I found an organic, bpa and corn syrup free formula (Babies Only by Nature’s One), which I’m considering his first food. I am going to try to pump as long as I can, although I am worried about how to start traveling for work, which is something required for my job that I will have to get back to in a couple of months. Working mom’s have real challenges in the way of successfully nursing.
I hope that you will also share pumping as an option with mom’s you know that still have their milk supply and have tried everything to successfully nurse but are miserable. Mom’s need to be healthy and happy for their babies to be that way.
I think this is a great post. I don’t think that, in this society and in these times, ANYONE can judge a mother who chooses not to breastfeed or who tries to breastfeed and ends up stopping earlier than she wanted. (Sometimes, when I look at all the birth interventions and the hospital routines that interfere and the misinformation and the formula advertising, I think it’s a miracle that any mother is actually able to breastfeed!! It seems quite miraculous.).
I do find that, at times, especially when the baby is small, I want to talk to the mother about feeding because I want her to know that it’s not too late if she changes her mind. I have helped a few mothers who, once they got past the stressful early days when their bodies were recovering and their emotions were overwhelming, decided that they would like to give breastfeeding another try. They were able to restart their milk production and get the baby back to the breast. Usually mothers don’t know, until they talk to me, that this is even an option. So I try to ask in a non-threatening, non-judgmental way – something like “how have the baby’s feedings been going?” that opens the door if she wants to talk about it. Some don’t, some do.
I know how close I came to not breastfeeding my children. The nurse in the hospital where my first son was born told me I had “the wrong kind of nipples for breastfeeding.” I was given a long list of rules (2 minutes per side, every 4 hours, increasing by 2 minutes each day until you reach a maximum of 20 minutes per side. Top up after every feeding with sugar water. Wash nipples before and after each feeding with some horrible disinfectant that burned) that would have guaranteed failure if I’d followed them. In some ways it seems easier these days, but in other ways I think it is harder. So I have no judgment for other women who are just trying to do their best in a world where breastfeeding is so much harder than it should be.
Teresa
I suppose this is a good and needed article. But I can’t say that I totally agree. I am the mom of a six month-old, and while breastfeeding is going okay, it certainly didn’t begin that way, nor can I say that it is my favorite thing to do in the whole wide world. I sometimes resent that my baby nurses and so frequently at that. But it’s my job as his parent to give him the best possible start in life and health. And yes, I judge people who put their own convenience ahead of their baby’s welfare.
I know this doesn’t cover everyone who does not BF or EBF. But I have a ‘friend’ whose husband has a serious but preventable (but also possibly genetic) digestive condition, which has been linked to formula. In stubborn disregard for the facts she has decided to overdose her baby with formula, which is a huge risk factor for said health condition. I tried to give her information, encourage her to just give it a shot, or even to just pump her colostrum, all to no avail. Formula is just more convenient, she says; besides, her breasts belong to her husband. At two weeks he was hospitalized, diagnosed with acid reflux, and given a rx for zantac–an adult dose antacid. All this for the sake of “convenience.” I do judge her for that. But hey, at least he started sleeping through the night at 3 weeks!
my general response to the “convenient” thing is “if you want convenient, get a houseplant instead of a baby. Babies aren’t convenient, and they grow into children that are even LESS convenient. Learn to deal with the inconvenience as soon as you can. Breastfeeding, in the long run, is MUCH less inconvenient in a lot of ways. Fewer illnesses is just ONE of the ways.”
And her breasts belong to her husband?!? does he drive them to work or something? Shesh, is she human or cattle?
I once heard a great response to the “it’s inconvenient” thing by a snarky (but correct, if you ask me) mom. She basically said (paraphrasing, I don’t remember exactly what she said) “well yes, it is the less convenient option. Cooking nutritious food for my older kids is a hell of a lot less convenient that picking up fast food every night as well. When it comes to feeding my kids, their health is more important than my convenience.”
I never would have the nerve to say something like this, but I do totally agree with her.
Great post but wish others would grant the same respect. I do not want to be asked why I do not use formula. Respect goes both ways and I feel that the sensitivity tends to veer toward formula feeders that feel attacked. Breastfeeding mothers put up with a lot too.
I like Arwyn’s “shut up and listen.” Especially the period after the listen part. That’s nice.
A woman who has a failed breastfeeding attempt due to bad information is either grieving to some degree or perhaps, miraculously and wonderfully, has managed to move on. I appreciate the motive behind myth-busting, and if it must be done, please be gentle. You may completely destroy a grieving mother, or send a recovered mom into despair.
Or just perhaps, the failure was not due to bad information or anything that the mom (or her care providers) did wrong.
For example, my body does not go into lactogenesis II postpartum. I’ve had two babies and never has my prolactin “surged.” No LC or doctor has been able to tell me why and I’ve spent thousands of dollars in assessments and hormone panels, LC visits, breast pumps, finger feeders, SNS . . . .
Yet when conversing with other moms, when the issue comes up I get disbelief. I get questions about my births, I get questions on whether we kangaroo cared, nursed immediately after birth, I get questions on whether I nursed my newborns on demand, how many times a day, did I inspect my placenta carefully . . .
I believe my lactivist friends are well-intentioned. They don’t want to believe that a woman just doesn’t make milk (with a lot of domperidone and pumping I eventually managed to build up to a 12 ounce a day production).
In short, they were searching for a “myth” they could bust.
It felt like they were looking to find something I did wrong. Well, because they were.
One woman’s myth-busting may be another woman’s heartbreak.
I am so sorry that you wanted (and tried harder than I would have!) to breastfeed and were unable to. Good for you for trying in spite of everything. Parenting is hard, no matter what we do.
Hugs.
I am so sorry that you went through so much and feel negatively judged by people who should be supportive instead. FWIW, if I were asking such questions it would absolutely NOT be in a judgemental way – I am a researcher by nature and seek to understand how things work (or don’t). I would be asking those questions to potentially have more knowledge and information to share with another woman struggling as you struggled someday in the future. My heart aches with yours that no one was able to figure out how to get your body to produce enough milk, but you clearly are abundant in your dedication to your children. As committed to breastfeeding as I am and have always been (I have been putting off a breast reduction even though the size of my breasts might be contributing to early osteoparthritis because I think some of my chronic health issues are related to poor early nutrition – not just formula-feeding but plenty of other over-processed junk), I don’t know that I’d have been willing or able to go through all that if my plumbing wasn’t working. I disliked pumping pretty dramatically with my first two tho it’s going better – ironically enough with a manual pump – this time around as I try to build up a backup stockpile, and always give a lot of credit to moms who pump. I know a woman locally who had a son with a cleft lip and pumped for him exclusively for over a year… I don’t know that I would have been able to do that and I commend the moms who so clearly go above and beyond what the reasonable expectations of “normal” are to try to provide their babies with human milk. It’s the ones who clearly gave up after 5min of improper latch immediately after birth that get me annoyed at the whole system!
Just a perspective from another direction: Perhaps your lactivist friends ask all those questions & go over every little thing, hoping to find some thing that was overlooked, or some bit of bad information you were given, in hopes of being able to find something that will help for next time. It might not be so much an urge to judge as an urge to find a way to fix . For many, the base assumption is that any mom would want to breastfeed, but everything surrounding breastfeeding in our society is so screwed up that it is reasonable to assume that a mama who can’t (or thinks she can’t) breastfeed has, at the very least, been given bad info somewhere along the line. Their hearts are probably in the right place, even if they don’t express it well.
Great post Annie!! So eloquently said
This reminded me (in a different way) of something I wrote but wasn’t able to distribute through our LLL because it was too…something!
But now I have my own blog…Enjoy!
http://minimalistmum.blogspot.com/2010/07/breast-is-best-please-turn-on-sense-of.html
This is exactly how I felt for a long time. I don’t talk or blog about breastfeeding for exactly some of the reasons you mentioned. I hope one day they look at me and say: It IS possible to breastfeed successfully; so I’ll try too.
My usual offer is : You can approach me anytime, about anything and I’ll pass on the information I got so that YOU can make a well-informed decision.
And I am seeing more and more women successfully (as defined by themselves) breastfeed their babies.
Lovely. And sensible. Women are confronted by so much and so much differing advice around childbirth and breastfeeding I have made it a rule to myself not to proffer advice unasked or judge others choices, especially without understanding. It is also like perpetually asking people when or if they are having a baby – if they want you to know what is going on, they will tell you. I think it is important to be able to offer advice and correct misunderstandings, but it is more important to be a friend or colleague who listens, empathises and shows that you care.
“let them know that I am there if they have any questions at all. I extend the offer to help, but I don’t push it. It is up to them to take me up on the offer if they so choose.”
I do this, too, and I’ve been pleasantly surprised at how many people take me up on the offer of help. Often it’s months, sometimes even years later after I’ve mentioned “just in case you need it, I do breastfeeding support and would be glad to help you if you have any questions or just need to talk stuff through after the baby is here.” Facebook has helped me help so many more moms than before (including goofy things like a former co-worker’s wife, who I’ve never met.)
thanks for writing this, to help put into words what many of us are out here doing, and why if we do get talking with someone who isn’t breastfeeding about their status, we might offer more accurate information in cases of inaccuracies.
This is wonderful.
This post made me cry. Thank you for putting my feelings into words. It feels good to know I am not the only one who feels helpless and hopeless with this subject on so many levels when trying to be supportive to a friend and mother.
I think it’s strange, that a woman should “grieve” if she doesn’t breastfeed. (I’m not attacking anyone who said this, I’ve just never heard that before. I totally respect anyone who might feel/felt this way!!!) I simply decided not to breastfeed, for several reasons. Some woman just simply don’t feel devastated by it, I certainly didn’t. I think we should be careful with vocalizing that, or vocalize it gently/not at all. I would have felt a little hurt by someone, who was shocked I wasn’t grieving. It would have made me feel, that they though I was doing something wrong. Just an observation…I totally support woman who breastfeed.
shell:
I had a significant struggle to be able to breastfeed my first child. He latched on for the first time at 7.5 weeks and wasn’t nursing well until 15 weeks. If I had decided to give up, I certainly would have mourned the loss.
But I know others don’t. That is why I said “if that is how she perceives it” in brackets.
My struggle was similar to Annie’s, though my daughter never did latch (well she did briefly a handful of times at the Newman clinic). I did grieve (perhaps still am grieving). I think the difference is in the decision and the reasons for the decision – I decided to breastfeed and couldn’t – so I mourned. It makes sense to me that someone who decided from the beginning not to breastfeed might not grieve in the same way or at all – I’m sure this would be dependent on their reasons for their decision though.
I have to apologize. Somehow, I didn’t read that part of the letter thoroughly. I didn’t see the “if that is how she perceives it” part. I understand, where you are coming from, as far as your personal feelings.
Some women grieve because their body tells them their baby is dead! That’s the normal physiological response from your body when your baby doesn’t latch because as far as your body is concerned that’s the only reason it could happen!
I’ve held a newborn dying baby in my arms, desperate to put her to my breast, my whole body aching to bring her to my breast. I held her for 24 hours after she died and my body needed me to put her to my breast. I hadn’t even decided at that point that I was going to breastfeed, I hadn’t given it a second thought.
Claire, your post made me cry. I mourn with you.
I’m not crying, but my heart wrenched. I’m so sorry, Claire…
I’m writing this with tears streaming down my face. Thank you. I have many lactivist friends and acquaintances, and to an extent, I am a lactivist myself. I also never breastfed my first, and abruptly and traumatically weaned my second after only three rocky months of breastfeeding.
So many times I feel like I’m under the inquisitor’s glare when I’m asked why I’ve fed so much formula. None of it is simple. With number one, I was unwilling to risk the effects of the medications I was on at the time for my bipolar disorder. Being well and sane for her was the trade off, and one that was worth it.
With number two, we had a rocky start – I was too unwell after his birth to breastfeed immediately, and then when we did finally get the hang of things, he was unwell off and on – first pertussis, then digestion issues that I have no doubt stemmed from him being premature. Again, though, we got back into the swing of things. At three months, I seriously broke my leg. Four hours of emergency surgery, a six inch metal plate, five screws, and ten pins. I was drugged to the hilt with heavy narcotics for weeks in order to be even somewhat comfortable. I obviously couldn’t breastfeed with that much pain medication in me.
I am still grieving. My breasts still ache when he cries – he’s only seven months old. I will wake up to find him latched and suckling on my dry breasts. Every bottle I fix him reminds me of the amazing feeling that was our special, irreplaceable bond that came with nursing him, and that it’s gone and I can’t get it back. I still cry most nights. He is healthy and he tolerates formula well, but none of these feelings are quelled by rationalizations.
My lactivist acquaintances constantly remind me that I could try to relactate, or that I could use banked milk. They don’t seem to remember that while I am a stay-at-home mom, I’m also a single mom on a ridiculously tight budget, and I just don’t trust anyone well enough to do an informal milk-share. What they don’t know about me relactating is that I’m on new meds now to control the chronic pain as well as a new med for my bipolar, so relactating could be dangerous for my mental health and painful in a way that I don’t have time to remedy, since I have another child that I need to be functional for.
My wounds are healing slowly, but I often find myself feeling defensive, and being told that I’m just not doing right by him and that I’m being selfish. They don’t say it directly to me, of course, but it’s said under the guise of “women who don’t do so and so or don’t want to do so and so are just so selfish.” It’s like they forget that I’m that woman.
So thank you for not asking, but listening without judging. Thank you for making an effort to let me get my story out, and for being the kindness that I need to maybe heal a little bit more.
Jackie
Thank you for taking the time to share your story. It is an excellent example of the fact that we don’t always know the full story, nor is it any of our business.
Some of the things that your lactivist friends have reminded you of do resonate with me, but within a specific context. I was previously a moderator on a breastfeeding support message board. If a mom came on there and posted about how much she missed breastfeeding and how sad she was that she wasn’t able to breastfeed anymore, I would bring up relactation as an option. So few people are aware of it and I have been able to help several women who thought they would never nurse again to relactate and get their babies back to their breast. Within the context of a breastfeeding support message board, I assume that is something people would likely be open to (But understandably, they aren’t always. Sometimes they just want to tell their story and be heard.). However, outside of that context, I do struggle with whether to mention relactation or not and I would probably listen very carefully to a mom’s words to try to figure out if I should mention it or not. If I ever did mention it, I would drop it immediately if the mom didn’t jump on it with a “wow…really? I had no idea. Please tell me more!”
Thank you again for sharing your story. It is a great example of how complex things can be, even when they seem simple on the surface.
just in case you decide to have another child, or your son’s night latching surprises you with spontaneous relactation, thought you might want to have this resource to look up your meds and their affect on lactation. Also remember that while the “dose” coming through your milk will be pretty constant, the potential effect on a nursling will differ depending on age/weight – what might be dangerous with an 8lb 1mo baby may be a non-issue with a 20lb 8mo.
http://toxnet.nlm.nih.gov/cgi-bin/sis/htmlgen?LACT
FWIW, I’ve been in chronic pain since I was 10 (I’m now 33), on and off various pain medications and muscle relaxers for most of that time, and now nursing my 3rd son who is 6wks old after nursing my elder two until they were each about 30mo. I went back on stronger pain meds on an as-needed basis after consultation with my well-informed-on-lactation-issues doctor once the babies were a bit older. There isn’t a whole lot of research done on these issues (primarily because the ethics of performing the resarch are questionable – here, take this pill and breastfeed your baby even tho we don’t know what effect it may have on the baby? Yeah, no thanks!) but some information is out there and there are often safer-for-breastfeeding options for medications. A friend of mine with a similar costellation of health issues to my own weaned her firstborn at 12mo so she could go back on her muscle relaxant, whereas my doctor said it was OK for me to take the same medication when my baby was that old/heavy since they were getting such a minute amount of it through my milk. Didn’t slow my son down a step. But different sitautions have different outcomes so make the choice that is best for you. I just want people to have good information.
I just wanted to chime in here, too… not to judge but to pass on information in case one day you did want to attempt to breastfeed another child. I also suffer from chronic pain (my spine is fusing, knee problems, arthritis, etc etc) and am on medications daily in order to function. Something that I just recently wrote about is weighing risk vs. benefit when dealing with a mother who suffers from a chronic condition. A mom who does not take her meds is not only putting herself at risk, but her baby… when taking a medication that you require to function (whether it be for pain, for mental stability, or anything else) is the right choice for your body.
We’re often told we cannot breastfeed as a result, and this is very rarely true. Let me put it this way: I have life-threatening allergies. If I didn’t take my allergy pills daily while pregnant, my baby would be deprived of oxygen and nutrients during it’s crucial period of growth. This puts my fetus at serious risk. Taking the pills dramatically improves outcomes (and research backs this up!) and the health of babies in allergic mothers. HOWEVER… if I wasn’t allergic and I was just taking them for recreational purposes, I am putting my baby at risk. It isn’t as simple as “same dose = same effect” because medications have a different effect on the overall stability of a body that requires them vs. one that doesn’t.
On top of that, when weighing the risks of formula vs. the risks of medication passing through milk, there’s no comparison. There’s so much more to it than, “appears in milk”. Just because a medication is detectable does not mean it passes onto baby in a dose that their body metabolizes, or is affected by… or that it even GETS to them after their stomach and internal organs break it down a third and fourth time (your stomach, your blood, baby’s stomach, baby’s blood).
Take your meds, research them well and I absolutely guarantee you that you will find ones that are safe.
I won’t share my medications publicly, but you’re welcome to email me and talk privately if you like: summerstorms at shaw dot ca
(I’m sorry for the previous comment. My toddler hit ‘Submit’ before I was done.)
I think that extending the offer of help in advance can almost always be done in a way that is courteous and sensitive. In fact, it doesn’t even need to be about breastfeeding, in particular. A general offer of resources, support or a listening ear more or less covers it. Sometimes I’ll pass along a LLL bookmark with their contact info and my own phone number, if I know that the person is receptive, but I don’t follow up or anything. Pretty much all first-time moms I know want to breastfeed, and they want to know where to find help if they need it.
Correcting misinformation after the fact is much, much trickier. This is something that I struggle with. A really common example that I come across is a nursing strike that ended breastfeeding. There are so many facets to this – was she actually happy to be done or not? How would she feel now, knowing that she likely could have continued? Is she planning to have another child? Often, I will do the same sort of thing I would do with an expectant mom friend. Let her know that if she ever needs help or resources, here’s where she can find me. I have let misinformation lie because I felt the situation was too sensitive, and I wanted to preserve the trust relationship more than I wanted to correct the misinformation at that moment.
Right on! I love this post.
Bravo….just because a woman doesn’t breastfeed, doesn’t mean much at all! It was assumed by many that I was lazy because my children had bottles, when in actual fact I just never seem to keep up a milk supply. I never got that ‘engorged’ feeling, even when bub hadn’t fed for a few hours. With my first I lasted 10 weeks….with my last I persevered until 5 months. And I tried every ‘trick’ to keep up supply – the biscuits, the juices, extra feeds, expressing, and I drank water until I sloshed, and still my baby was starving. When I stopped cold after giving her a bottle and getting the best sleep out of her she’d ever had, I never even leaked another drop.
For a woman who, for whatever reason, cannot breastfeed, it can be very damaging to judge her – even the formula tin extols in large letters the virtues of breastfeeding – ‘Breastmilk is best for your baby’ it declares. Offering support is great, but she can do without the attitude.
Thanks. I wish more people followed this philosophy. I know for a fact that I did everything I possibly could, and after seven months, I still can’t talk about not being able to breastfeed without tears. Hell, I can barely think about it seriously for more than a minute. Or apparently, even type this much without crying.
What a beautiful letter. I really appreciate it. We had an abrupt, early end to the nursing relationship (at 7.5 months), and while it sometimes helps to talk about it, it also opens up old wounds. For some, it is a really hard thing to talk about without getting emotional. I always have the knee-jerk reaction to get defensive when it’s brought up, like I’m worried the questioner will think I didn’t try hard enough or didn’t have the right information.
Love this post! So well put! Congratulations again for such thought provoking reading!
Whether it’s breastfeeding or some other decision (doesn’t even have to be related to parenting, babies or kids), it’s really hard to see someone doing something we believe to be bad for them and remain quiet and objective. Because life is not objective. We live it from our personal point of view.
So well done, Annie, both for practicing your self-control and respect and for being so open and frank about it. Because many people are too tempted to disguise their interventions to notice they are stepping into other people’s territories to make themselves feel better.
Strangely, when we leave other people enough room, they grow. Then, we are rewarded with their trust and often they adopt our way of thinking for it.
Best regards,
Ronit
A new mother will have had the support of her OB and education during her pregnancy on the benefits of breastfeeding. She is also not a child, and should not be made to feel defensive about her choices…nor should she need to explain to anyone what her choices might be. Attempts to “help” are often nothing more than attempts to influence. As an apology is no apology if it begins with “I’m sorry, but…”, respect and recognition of choice is not respect and recognition if it is accompanied by, “I respect your choice, but…” Just as another’s pregnancy and childbirth experience is different, so, too, are the experiences and feelings that lead to personal childcare choices.
If only mothers *did* have the support of their OBs (the same ones who routinely engage in unnecessary birth interventions that negatively impact upon the breastfeeding relationship, esp. the unnecesarean) and education about breastfeeding during their pregnancies! If that were really the case (especially in the U.S. and especially for low-income women) breastfeeding rates would be much higher. This is why discussion about breastfeeding, defeating the myths, letting our friends, our sisters, our daughters know that we are there (and others, LCs, LLL, etc.) to give them support long *before* there’s a baby and the rush of hormones and the need to feed a hungry little mouth.
If we could rely upon the medical establishment, that would be lovely. But as of now, that’s a complete pipe dream.
Agreed wholeheartedly! I may be a rare person in here, I have not even been pregnant, and thus have never nursed, but I am reading up about and trying to prepare for childbirth and breastfeeding (and have been doing so since I was out of college, perhaps even before then, with the advent of mainstream Internet), which is what brought me here, so that I can make the most informed decisions I can, with the most important decisions (in my mind) of my life.
Granted, at 31, I thought I’d have at least had one child by now, my heartbreak is that I haven’t found someone whom I love and loves me who will agree to have children (and I stayed too long in relationships that didn’t work). As has been mentioned, questions of when you’ll have children and pressure on an already maternal person (I work in and study early childhood education) are very painful as well. My reassurance comes from those my age and older who have had children. My Mom was 35 having me (28 having my older brother), but with her having emotional issues and being a single mom, I have had a bit of a struggle in life. I would never say to someone who, for example, struggles with infertility, “Oh, it will happen! Especially when you stop worrying.” I just try to empathize and agree that it I couldn’t imagine how emotionally painful that would be (until/unless it possibly happens to me).
It’s a very hard tightrope to walk, as with many things in life; you want to give advice that worked for you or has been proven to work, but every situation is different. That said, it doesn’t break your heart any less to see misinformation perpetuated.
OBs are not lactation experts, they are surgeons and many of them haven’t had so much as an hour-long seminar on lactation. Putting them up on that pedestal and expecting the doctor will make everything alright is not improving the situation for anyone. Education during pregnancy rarely has anything serious to do with breastfeeding, and since breastfeeding is perceived by most pre-parenthood women to be a natural, instinctive thing instead of a learned behavior (on both mom & baby’s part) if it doesn’t go absolutely perfectly from the first moments they may feel something is wrong with THEM and clam up about it while quietly giving the baby the hospital-offered bottle along with the bag of formula samples they give out “just in case” even if you explicitly tell them you’re breastfeeding (which was my experience with my firstborn in 2004 and one of the many highly informed reasons I chose to birth my next two at home). OB offices are often full of formula marketing materials and “sample” cans. I’d trust breastfeeding advice from that environment as much as I’d trust stop-smoking advice from the convenience store clerk with the full line of tobacco products stacked behind him. Oh, and add to that that OB/GYN are still mostly males who don’t have the first idea of what it really feels like to breastfeed, or women who haven’t had their own children yet as it’s rather difficult to get in time for childbearing around medical school and medical practice, and the percentage with real practical first-hand knowledge of the subject is probably around 10% of all practicing OBs. You might actually have better luck getting breastfeeding advice from the granny behind you at the grocer.
To add to this, I went to an all midwife group in a birthing center. Super crunchy, one would think they would have brought up breastfeeding. NOT ONCE! While there were “breast is best” posters in the bathroom and some pamphlets in the waiting room, no one ever mentioned it to me personally. I did have a successful breastfeeding relationship after a TON of work, but, it was NOT at all due in part to the help of my doctors.
I had a bf’ing mentor I met through an online community, and while her pushiness was not always appreciated, her information was invaluable! I would have never known about all the herbs and medications available had it not been from her.
As it turned out, my baby was born 10 weeks early and I had to pump ever few hours with almost no supply…for FIVE weeks, the only reason we made it through was because of online friends and their pushiness
Weirdly enough, when I did meet with the lactation consultant in the NICU, I knew more than HER about some of the tricks!
Had I listened to the OB group I ended up seeing, or the nurses that watched me struggle, I would have quit. They were just trying to make me feel better, and I get that, but they were filled with bad advice about “so many women that just can’t breastfeed”. Our species would have died out long ago if they were right.
Agree completely. I did not learn a thing about BF from my OB, the nurses in the hospital were woefully misinformed, and even our pediatrician (who should support the Canadian Pediatric Society’s reco to nurse exclusively for 6 mos and continue for 2 years and beyond) told me DS would be “just fine” if I never did get him to latch and I switched to forumla. I think too many women DO assume medical professionals know what they are talking about when it comes to BF, and that is a big part of the problem. Thank goodness in my case for an LC, and the little voice in my head telling me I could do this, if I just gave it one more day. And yes, by the time I had my second child, I definitely (and sadly, I think) knew more than the nurses “advising” the first-time moms in my ward. It was heart breaking, because what was I supposed to do, jump up and say “you’re telling them the wrong stuff! send them to an actual expert!” every time I overheard stuff like “there’s no point in trying to nurse a c-section baby for the first 24 hours”?
Brilliant letter.
I get angry when I hear the excuses why people didn’t feed their baby, not with them with the support they never had. I don’t judge mums and I don’t express my anger to them.
I’ve had premature babies, babies with IUGR, babies who started life with a tube down their nose and one in their lungs. I am feeding my babies still. I did it with support. I don’t think because I did it others should, I think because I had support to do it in difficult situations others should have support too.
beautiful! Thanks for reminding me!
I hate that this topic can be so emotionaly difficult to talk about. Recently, I thought I was being helpful to my pregnant sister by offering info I found helpful. Turns out she felt like I was pushing and judging her and it led to a big fight. *sigh*
Like you, I don’t ask, but I also don’t offer info unless I’m asked because I’m afraid of ticking someone off.
Firstly, I want to thank you for writing this. So many breastfeeding advocates are so mean, pushy, rude (I can up with a few more) and don’t take the extra time to find out why someone may not want to breastfeed, or, can’t. I agree, there is a lot of misinformation out there, but it isn’t necessary to shove it down someone’s throat.
I did not breastfeed and no, I will not go into the many reasons why I came to that decision. When I made the decision to stop only a few short days after my son was born, I was crucified by not only the breastfeeding advocates out there, but by my mother-in-law who simply refused to believe that there is any other way. All of the negative feedback I got from my very quick discontinuation of breastfeeding did not help my postpartum depression situation and the guilt… oh the guilt. Not a good place to be for a new mom. My depression did not resolve for close to a year after his birth and am thankful for my OB/GYN and my son’s pediatrician for accepting and supporting my decision without question. My now 2 year old son is overall happy, healthy, smart and thriving. I do not regret my decision to quit AT ALL.
What I appreciate about your post is that to breastfeed or not is an insanely personal decision and nobody has a right to judge. I only wish that the others around me who gave me such a hard time over my decision would’ve just said “I’m here for you to talk about it” instead of “You’re making a horrible decision”.
Thank you for being strong in your convictions but not forcing them on people. Your friends are lucky to have a friend like you!
Here’s the thing. You say no one has a right to judge, but open your comment with “So many breastfeeding advocates are so mean, pushy, rude (I can up with a few more) and don’t take the extra time to find out why someone may not want to breastfeed, or, can’t. I agree, there is a lot of misinformation out there, but it isn’t necessary to shove it down someone’s throat.” That sounds awfully judgmental to me. How do you know “many” breastfeeding advocates are mean, aren’t listening, and aren’t in fact being very diplomatic while trying to dispel the myths out there, but because so many women aren’t listening, they come off as “pushy” just for saying anything at all? The breastfeeding advocates I know aren’t “mean”, but they are honest and have a tough, tough job working in this bottlefeeding culture, trying to share information that many, many people simply don’t want to hear. For example, I am wondering right now how I can possibly ask without offending, if your OB or pediatrician every mentioned that your PPD could have been exacerbated by abruptly weaning? I honestly don’t ask this to bring up bad feelings, but because it has been my experience that many doctors either aren’t aware of this, or don’t advise new mothers about it for fear of offending them. I don’t see this as helpful at all.
To add, it makes me so sad to think the myth of the evil lactivist might stop other women from getting the help they want
Actually, the mean, pushy, rude lactivists might keep people from seeking help. It’s not a myth. BTDT. I appreciate that you can’t imagine that there WOULD be mean lactivists. Unfortunately, I have experienced many.
I once said to a friend that I don’t care how others choose to feed their children (breastfeeding / formula, offering solids after 6 months / early introduction). But that’s really not true… I do care. I wish everyone would / could / wants to breastfeed. But they don’t. I accept that even though I don’t like it.
I really appreciate your post because, like you, I will try to correct misinformation and it is very difficult. I’m often seen as the “strange one” in our close circle of friends because I am one of very few who extended nurse and do BLW. I once asked someone if they really wanted to know what I thought or if they just wanted to vent about breastfeeding problems. I would listen to their vent and say I’m sorry they were going through this or I could try to help. All they wanted was someone to listen.
I own a maternity/baby store, so I come across this all the time.
Yes, the most common myths (excuses) are:
1. I didn’t make enough milk or my milk never came in
2. My nipples were too soar and cracked
3. My baby wouldn’t latch on
As a mom who has nursed 4 children (including twins) it is VERY difficult for me to not respond and correct the mother that these are untrue. It really comes down to moms just not knowing enough. If more moms went to LLL meetings or BF support groups, took breastfeeding classes ect. I think that would help.
A huge problem is the negativity of nursing out there, AND the perpetuation that formula is “just fine” many times put out there by other moms who used formula because they felt guilty for not BF’ing or for quitting, ect. When I told people I was going to nurse twins all I heard was, ohhh thats going to be so hard, how will you have enough milk, you’re never going to sleep, ect. If I had listened to these comments, I would not have succeeded.
Another comment I hear daily when I ask a mom if she plans to nurse (yes, I ask…as depending on their answer I show our pumps, pads, nursing covers) the answer I ALWAYS get, and I do mean ALWAYS….is a kind of hesitant, “I am going to TRY”. Once again this is because of the above mentoned negativity towards nursing and common myths (excuses) moms hear over and over again.
Marissa:
Personally, I wouldn’t consider most of the myths/excuses on your list to be myths.
A lot of women do have sore and cracked nipples. It doesn’t mean that they can’t fix the problem or overcome it, but I wouldn’t deny that they were in pain because that pain is very real. I can understand why some people would give up due to the pain because I was very close to doing so.
With regards to “my baby wouldn’t latch on” – mine didn’t latch on until he was 7.5 weeks old. He was tongue tied and we had the tongue tie clipped when he was 2 days old. Either it wasn’t done properly or it grew over, but when I finally got to see an Ear, Nose and Throat specialist (after numerous lactation consultants, doctor, friends, message boards, etc.) when he was 7 weeks old, the doctor said that he still had tongue tie and she clipped it again. It still took another 7.5 weeks until he was nursing well. It was a real battle to get him to latch on. Not only was I battling the tongue tie, but I was also battling nipple confusion and all sorts of other bad advice. I don’t consider that a myth, I consider it a major hurdle. I do know some moms who never managed to get their babies to latch after months of trying.
I do agree that moms need to do more to be prepared, but I don’t agree that those are necessarily myths. I think they are very real challenges.
I agree – assuming that the reasons listed in Marissa’s post above are excuses or myths can be harmful and add to the negative perceptions of breastfeeding. While it’s true that most cases of all three can be treated, sometimes they can’t. It’s also probably true that the increased incidence of all of these problems is a result of decreased exposure to nursing which is influenced by societal perceptions of nursing (and older maternal age can be a factor in milk production).
Despite having all the preparation (all of the suggestions mentioned by Marissa and then some), and having access to the very best support (supportive family, close friend who is a LC, etc.) and treatment, I had all of the above challenges, and none were resolved with the treatment (weekly or more frequent visits to the Newman clinic for 14 weeks, osteopathy, chiropractic, doperidone, herbs, etc).
Anyway, my point is that all of the listed excuses or myths are definitely real challenges, every nursing dyad could have a unique combination of challenges and every woman has a breaking point. For many women, dealing with significant breastfeeding challenges in those fragile post-partum days, is just too much to take. Dismissing these real challenges as myths, or worse, as excuses, is not helpful to those moms, adds to the negativity around breastfeeding and could be hurtful to a mom who already feels like a failure.
Hmm… I wish there was an edit or delete option so I could reword things after posting. I’m afraid what I’ve written may not come across as intended. My apologies if anyone is offended.
Again, the self professed “oddball” here, I am not offended. The term “breaking point” turned a light on in my head… I’d just been trying to articulate the thought in my head… and you did it! That last paragraph was brilliant!
I agree!
I’m glad you’ve been successful at nursing, but many women are not, even with lots of support. For you to call the problems they incounter “myths” is incredibly insensitive and horribly self righteous. You seem to me to be on a pretty high horse. I’m sure you do get excuses from women who don’t breastfeed because its obvious you’d be judging them no matter what the reason is.
I am totally offended actually. I’m not an idiot. I know that my breasts do not make enough milk. After pumping for 18 months and nursing for an additional without pumping. I know that my breasts don’t make enough milk.
I had plenty of support. But I quit asking them for help because they had attitudes such as yours. Honestly!
Thank you for your beautiful letter! And thank you for continuing to advocate for breastfeeding in a respectful, non-judgemental way.
This is very carefully and well-worded.
I always try very hard to emphasize that not only do I not judge the individual mother, it really is not my business. She is welcome to do whatever she wishes or needs to do or feels she needs to do with her body and it is not my place to judge her. If she is a friend, or someone who, for whatever reason, finds me approachable, and wishes to tell me her experience, I am happy to listen.
And, like you, I struggle with how to respectfully and gently put more complete information out there when I hear questionable information shared in public. I don’t think of it so much of correcting (although I know it may be perceived as such and unfortunately often is) as just adding more complete information to the discussion.
I know this is a very sensitive issue for some women and Lord knows there is enough judgment placed on women without us looking down on one another. At the same time, when I hear of babies “self-weaning” at 8 months’ (a common time for a nursing strike…which both of mine had and then went on to nurse past a year), or having to wean because “a lot” of (fill in the blank…women don’t produce enough milk, babies can’t tolerate the mom’s diet, etc.)… I worry about the struggling mom hearing that or finding it in a Google search.
I really wish that we could talk about our own personal experiences as such, and medical information as such, without feeling judgmental or judged. Talking about ideals and averages and statistics does not negate another woman’s experience.
I had an epidural with both births. I recognize that based on studies that is a less-than-optimal choice on average and that it is not “normal” and could disrupt the birth process and result in complications for the mother and baby.
With one birth, I feel like it helped me avoid a c-section. With the other, I feel like I would have been better off making a different decision. In the end, though, I don’t feel accused when people discuss the issues that can arise from using an epidural. There are risks and benefits to almost everything. There are averages and exceptions. And thank God we live in a world where women have more choice than ever before…and where there are (some) responsible professionals and other caring women helping us navigate those choices.
Totally in agreement it’s a beautiful letter. Totally in agreement breastfeeding is a personal issue. Totally in agreement not to question others about their decision to do it or not.
But I find “mourning” for or with or about someone about it to be exactly opposite of “not judging” in the event they don’t breastfeed.
I don’t want anyone mourning me. I won’t and don’t have time to mourn your seemingly empty day if that’s what you choose to mourn about.
How about mourning the children without mothers or access to breastmilk or formula? There are bigger issues in the world than why I chose to stop breastfeeding.
Sara:
The reason I said “I will mourn with you the loss of your nursing relationship (if that is how you perceive it)” is that a lot of moms really did want to breastfeed and weren’t able to and do mourn that loss. If they are mourning, I will mourn with them (not for them). If they chose not to breastfeed or chose to stop breastfeeding and are completely happy with that decision, then I don’t need to mourn for them. Believe me, my day is not empty and I have no need to mourn unnecessarily.
Thanks for the great post! The sub-heading/theme here that you’ve described is “empathic inquiry”. When we are so excited to share our knowledge and passion it IS easy to forget that we might be hearing something differently than what that particular mom is really saying. She may say “I wish I had a better milk supply” but unless we use that empathic listening and questioning (and that can be a really lengthy process), we won’t know exactly what to say/not say that speaks to the actual assumption/need. The more I try to do this, the more I realize that empathic inquiry often lends itself to more collaborative exploration and openness to new information/knowledge. And THAT is a powerful thing!
This post is all kinds of great for me. I didn’t breastfeed. I just chose not to for my own reasons. It has been VERY hard to find anyone who supports my decision without a bunch of judging or tips on why I should have at least tried. Luckily for me the two people who support me the most are my mom and husband–and that is really all I need, but in this world of mommy blogging, I feel very alone. This post made my day.
Lovely post… so here’s a suggestion for a follow-up one: What will I do when you tell me you don’t plan to breastfeed.
Lauren:
If someone tells me she doesn’t plan to breastfeed, I think my approach would be much the same as if she told me she didn’t breastfeed/isn’t breastfeeding. I wouldn’t ask her why. I would respect her privacy. But if she shares her reason and it includes falsehoods, I would gently correct them.
Yeah, I suppose you are right about it…
Although if the person who says that to you knows you are extremely pro-BF and have breastfed your kids exclusively beyond one year, it’s kind of a strange thing to bring up… maybe it’s a kind of warning shot, like “don’t bother bringing it up…” but you’re right, probably best not to ask.
I have asked “is there anything I can tell you about breastfeeding, or any questions I can answer, that might make you lean in favour of breastfeeding?” Obviously I would not ask this of just anyone, in just any circumstances, but if it is someone who I have a relationship or at least some rapport with…
I’ll share a “why I didn’t breastfeed” story. My son was born with a very severe congenital heart anomaly (I hate the word defect). He latched a couple times right after birth, before his diagnosis and then a few times before his first surgery (at 10 days). We tried to pick it after he was well enough around 30 days, with okay results. He went home with a feeding tube and still did some at breast. He was a very tired, blue baby (quite literally) and it was a huge chore to get him to eat anything. At some point, he decided he didn’t really like boob but did get to a point where he would do bottle and would take in just enough 24 cal/oz milk (20 cal bm fortified w/ formula) to meet his needs so he could just barely keep up on his weight and get rid of that annoying/uncomfortable/ somewhat dangerous feeding tube. I decided that feeding by mouth was a higher priority than feeding by boobie. Between 6 and 12 months, he was very sick, in heart failure and could not have had breastmilk or normal formula and needed a special diet that was so gross it really did need to be tube fed. The only hope was a heart transplant (which would be the only time he could maybe try a regular diet) which happened at his. When he was 9 months, I had no idea how long he’d be on this diet, had not a lot of hope that he would really be alive much longer and so I decided to give up the pump – put some milk from when I was non-dairy compliant in the freezer (he was also dairy intolerant) and donated the milk pumped when I was a slacker and spent my pumping time connecting and enjoying every second with my little guy. Now he’s still going, almost 3 and every now and then I think “aww.. if it had worked, we might still be bfing now” but I definitely don’t regret what I decided with the knowledge at the time.
Anyways, point being, I have never been offended by any discussion of why breastfeeding is important and why it should be encouraged. I agree wholeheartedly and will be excited to breastfeed my next baby if I have one for as many months and years as he/she feels like it. The only thing offensive I’ve ever heard are those who make blanketed statements like “There are never medical contraindications to BFing” or say things like “Me and my baby went through [insert really challenging/ emotional experience], therefore, no one has an excuse not to BF” I think it’s important to continue to address this as a systemic issue rather than a “personal choice” issue.
Anyways, great post. I think it’s important for thinking about how to be an advocate without being intrusive and listening is key
I recently went into a situation like this. A family member who had not been successful breastfeeding her first child came to me and asked for some advice about how to do better with her next one. In the end it turned out that because her son had wanted to eat in less than three hours sometimes she thought she did not have enough milk. It was very hard to try to dispell that idea and not make her feel badly for what had happened before. Things are going well with her daughter and I am glad. She has been doing really well and I am glad. But still the conversations about her first experience I feel like I need to be so careful because I do not want to come off like I think she did anything wrong. She did what she felt was best with the info she had at the time – and that is all any of us can do.
The idea of babies following feeding schedules is something we REALLY need to find a way to dispel!!! Or rather, they do follow a schedule–their OWN. With my daughter, we went through quite a few bouts of crying that nothing seemed to fix because she had JUST finished eating & couldn’t POSSIBLY be hungry! Well, guess what? Sometimes, the baby finds an empty corner that she just HAS to fill in order to be happy. Eventually, I learned to just give her back that breast & we didn’t do the “crying for no discernible reason” thing anymore. Since I learned with my daughter, my son did that maybe twice. Now, I tell newly breastfeeding mamas that more nursing is always better than screaming baby.
something to be aware of with babies who do what your daughter did was that it could be silent reflux. With silent reflux, they feel the burn in their esophogus but they swallow the milk back down instead of spitting it up (so it burns in both directions instead of just on the way up & out). My 2nd and 3rd both have/had reflux issues and they’ll cry and happily latch back on about 10min after a feed, but that can actually make matters worseas then they’re adding more to their stomachs & overfilling it, leading to more reflux. They WANT to nurse because it temporarily calms the reflux symptoms – sooths the burning of the reflux from the fresh milk as well as moving stuff DOWN the digestive track instead of up – but may perpetuate the problem and in a mother less committed to breastfeeding actually lead to early weaning. The solution that works for our family is to keep the baby as upright as possible after a feeding for at least 15min (preferably 30 or more – a non-padded ring sling helps with this in the newborn phase, position baby vertically and tucked up as if they’re swaddled then pull the sling TIGHT to hold them there, tucking the tail around the rings if needed to keep it from working loose). If the baby gets fussy anyway in under an hour, we offer a pacifier and continue to keep baby verticle (except when the heat is like it is now – my 3rd is 6 weeks old and I don’t care if it makes his reflux worse, it’s over 90 and humid if he indicates he wants one he’s getting a boob, I’m not risking dehydration). Also helps for baby to sleep on their side (using bolsters to keep them there – we use men’s tube socks filled FIRMLY with white rice and then the ends knotted – they’re heavy enough to keep a small baby from rolling over and also work as hot/cold packs via microwaving or freezing) – just like sleeping on their left side helps some with indigestion/heart burn during pregnancy (letting gravity pull stuff in/toward the stomach organ and anything trying to go back up has to get past the gravity pull). With our 2nd son, around 8wks old we also started giving him Wellements Gripe Water which helped a LOT with the reflux, but we’re hoping to keep it from getting to that point with our newborn (he hasn’t had anything but my milk and a few homeopathic tablets in his digestive tract yet!)
While I like your take on this, I think sometimes women need an invitation to share their story and that may require some very tactful questions. But, of course, after the inviting question, you shut up and listen. And I like to validate their feelings, too.
I appreciated this post. when I think of things that I have said in my beginning days of lactivism I cringe. not because they weren’t factual, but because they weren’t sensitive to the situation at hand. and though, its true I don’t understand a woman’s thoughts or reasons of why formula was chosen, its ultimately not my business. as hard as it is for a busy body-trying-to-be-helpful-person that I am!
I also think some of your wisdom has come with time and experience. I am a passionate Idealist who when I learn something can’t wait to tell the world, consequences be damned! and though I may in fact be “right”, I was being hurtful! I often thought I should find those women and say SORRY I was SUCH an insensitive clod.
in some ways I wish we could just “stick to the facts” about breastfeeding, what is true, what isn’t, and when stuff that is incorrect comes up, able to correct it without personally hurting someone/or re-traumatize them. but given the extremely personal nature, the fact that its one of the *first* things you do as a mother, that will probably NEVER happen!
You and I – we are SO on the same page with this. This is the perfect follow-up to my Open Letter to Fellow Breastfeeding Advocates. My heart echoes your every word here.
This is wonderful. Really. I don’t think I’ve ever asked why someone doesn’t breastfeed because the mother typically tells me why up front. I listen and look for opportunities to show my support and educate if needed. Every time, it’s mostly been lack of support and breastfeeding (and formula) myths. I try to do my best by example and hope that they’ll check out the resources I give them.
What a great post – I came across it as I was doing some online research for a blog event I am having on BF-ing (in mid-August). I want to be supportive and encouraging to moms who choose to BF, but I also am glad I read this post because it keeps fresh in my mind the many reasons ppl may NOT choose to BF… I was not always so pro-BF-ing b/c I struggled so much and part of my emotional pain was that I feared people would look disfavorably if I decided to stop… luckily I had more ppl in my life who said they supported me whichever way I chose to go, and that gave me strength to keep going…
I have so much appreciation for the post and the thoughtful discussions in the comments. I realize (with tears coming on) how sad I still am (3 years later) about my experience with breastfeeding (or rather with not breastfeeding). I have perspective and knowledge now on how undiagnosed ppd made a difficult bf situation into an impossible one, yet the memories are painful. The one bright spot? After 15 visits to LCs thru our health insurance, I found a wonderful private practice LC who made homevisits. She saw us when my small one was 6 weeks old. She asked holistic questions about our lives rather than focusing on mechanics. Most importantly, she listened to the answers and helped me make a better choice for my family. Switching to exclusive pumping and bottle feeding allowed me to give my baby breastmilk until she was just over 4 months when ppd became overwhelming. This was not even close to what I hoped to be able to do but so much more than I thought was possible at that 6 week point. Support can take many forms but in my experience, this one woman with knowledge and experience really listening made all the difference.
PREEEEEEEEEACH
And to add to that, when a woman has tried her damndest to breastfeed, and it just did not work out, please be sure and tell her that she is NOT a bad mother and her child WILL be just fine and not damaged for life. Moms don’t need any more guilt than we already carry!!
Annie – this is such an awesome post! I take the same approach that you do. I try to broach the topic with grace and gentleness, acknowledging how personal the decision is.
That said…Like you, I will humbly correct breastfeeding myths if they come up. Example: One of my neighbors is pregnant with her second baby. She told me that she supplemented in the hospital and for the first few days “until her milk came in” because she was told that the baby needed additional nutrients. As a result, her milk supply was super low when it did come in and she ended up not nursing. I very gently told her my nursing story and explained that colostrum is not only adequate, but AMAZING stuff. She asked, “But is it enough for the baby?” And I said, “Yes” and directed her to some great resources. I never want to be pushy, but I also think it is important to “speak the truth in love.”
This post also reminded me of discussions about birth. I won’t ask people why they chose to get an epidural, but I will speak up if incorrect information is presented about natural childbirth. For example, if someone says that home births are dangerous or that epidurals have no risks or wonders aloud why a woman “would go through all that pain when they can have safe drugs”…I say something. Kindly.
I just can’t understand why so many people give a hoot how someone decides to feed their child. The bottom line is, formula feeding is a totally acceptable alternative to breastmilk so long as a clean water source is available. So maybe in other parts of the world, formula presents a definite health risk, but not in the US. I understand some women genuinely have misinformation about breastfeeding–like not realizing that small amounts of colostrum will sustain a newborn for a couple of days–but many many many women have all the correct information and just don’t want to breastfeed anyway.
I am a physician. From a medical standpoint, the studies on breastmilk are mostly poor quality because we cannot randomize babies to breastmilk vs. formula for obvious reasons. Obviously, women who are committed to breastfeeding their babies come hell or high water are probably just as committed to other aspects of their children’s lives which may explain some of the benefits seen in SOME studies. (I emphasize SOME because there are definitely studies which show no differences in outcome between the two groups.) Women who exclusively breastfeed are also more likely to be stay at home mothers whose children get to avoid daycare and all the germs that come with it so those kids may tend to have less infections earlier in life. (They’ll probably have their turn in school instead.) Stay at home mothers also tend to be more affluent and have all the benefits that come with that.
My point is that the many of the suggested benefits of breastfeeding are more likely to be associated with the factors that allow women to breastfeed exlusively for long periods of time rather than the actual breastmilk or breastfeeding itself.
And to repeat my first line, why do so many people give a hoot how someone else feeds their child? If the child is not neglected and growing and healthy (which the vast majority of breastfed and formula fed children are), why do you care?
Joanna:
I would suggest you read Breastfeeding and Maternal and Infant Health Outcomes in Developed Countries, which is a metaanalysis of a large number of studies involving breastfeeding and formula feeding in developed countries. I summarized some of the key findings in my post on the Scientific Benefits of Breastfeeding. The risks of formula are real and they involve more than just access to clean water and socioeconomic differences.
I don’t find your argument that “those kids will have their turn in school instead” particularly convincing. The benefits of breastfeeding extent beyond the time when the child is being breastfed. I know that anecdotes don’t = evidence, but for what it is worth, my son who was breastfed for 2.5 years, has now been in school for 3 years and has not had to see a doctor once since being in school (other than annual check-ups/vaccinations) . He has never had an ear infection and never needed any prescription medication in his entire life. My daughter, who starts school this fall and who was breastfed for 3 years, has never seen a doctor for anything but a well visit. I’m sure she’ll get sick at some point, but I’m not bothering to brace myself for an onslaught of illness once she is in the presence of other children every day.
With regards to your question: “Why do so many people give a hoot how someone else feeds their child?“, I would say:
1) I agree that there are too many people who stick their nose in other people’s business. It is none of my business why a mother chooses to formula feed instead of breastfeed. It is also not my place (or anyone else’s place) to tell a breastfeeding mother to “do that somewhere else” when she is feeding her child in public. People are jerks. It happens. It sucks.
2) On a general level, there is a public health interest in ensuring that our society is as healthy as possible. This means promoting healthy choices and ensuring that those choices are accessible to as many people as possible.
I think those two very different issues (individual choice vs. public health goals) often get mixed up, with unfortunate results.
Joanna – can you provide references to studies that that show no differences in outcome (as you mentioned in your reply)? I asked our pediatrician if the research is really as conclusive as often presented and she was pretty adamant that there is little ambiguity in the current body of research (and yes, it does show clear favorable outcomes for breastfeeding). I would be interested to know what you are referring to specifically.
First, thanks for a very sensitive and thoughtful post. I agree with Fearless Formula Feeder that your friends are lucky to have you in their corner. I also agree that breastfeeding is most often the best choice for both mom and baby.
However, the science on the exact health benefits of breastfeeding to mother and baby is pretty weak. I have read the ARHQ meta-analysis and — here is the important part — I’ve also read many of the studies that were included in the analysis. Despite what the ARHQ report says, the quality of the studies is not always strong. For example, the evidence they use to support the idea that breastfeeding reduces the mother’s risk for type 2 diabetes comes from the Nurses Health Study. The Nurses Health Study has been famously wrong on a great many issues so far (replacement hormones being good for elderly women, for one thing, vitamin E helping women’s hearts being another). So to begin with, there is no good reason why we should necessarily believe it is correct on the issue of breastfeeding and diabetes, either. The reason it is often wrong is that it is an associational study ONLY. When it finds a difference between two groups of women, it cannot say WHY this difference exists, only that it exists. The authors try to guess at the reason based on their statistical analysis, but they cannot account for every hidden factor, and thus they often get it wrong.
But anyway, on to the issue of type 2 diabetes and breastfeeding. Overall, the study finds NO benefit to breastfeeding in terms of women’s diabetes risk. Women who “ever breastfed” had no better odds of avoiding diabetes than women who “never breastfed.” In fact, the only women who had a statistically lower risk (compared to those who never breastfed) were those who breastfed for 2 years or more. Women who breastfeed for 2 years or more in the United States are a rare group indeed. These women are different on many levels — maybe even genetically different, who knows?? The researchers can’t know because they didn’t measure. They say it’s due to the breastfeeding. They might even be right. But they haven’t proven it, and given all the caveats here (the fact the study in general has been wrong so many times before; the fact that women who choose to breastfeed for 2 years are quite different in many ways, not just breastfeeding) give us good reason to take the findings with a grain of salt.
This is just one of the many studies included in the analysis. Most of the others are similarly limited. As for pediatricians and their reading of the literature, many of them simply are not qualified to read it. They have not taken the statistics classes or had workshops on experimental design. (I have; it’s part of a PhD, not an M.D.) They were busy learning the important stuff for their practice, such as recognizing the signs of whooping cough, etc. I wouldn’t take my sick baby to a Ph.D. for care and I wouldn’t take my study to an M.D. for advice on experimental design.
Anyway, I’m not trying to argue that there are no health benefits to breastfeeding. I’m sure there are some. (a slight reduction in breast cancer risk comes to mind as plausible) But the science on the subject is actually pretty bad and not nearly as clear cut as it’s made out to be — even by the government!
In closing, I thought I’d mention one thing I think actually harms the breastfeeding cause: the insistence to women that they are supposed to do it for a year or more. This can sound so daunting for a new mom who is struggling with cracked nipples and a crying, hungry baby. A year can seem like forever, and if the woman thinks she needs to spend a year or more on the project to get any benefit, she might be tempted to give up. I wish more lactivists went with a “try it for a few weeks and see how it goes. It should get easier! You can always re-evaluate.” Most moms will establish a good breastfeeding relationship during this time and then a year might seem like a breeze!
Joanna
The ARHQ result explicitly states:
“For maternal outcomes, a history of lactation was associated with a reduced risk of type 2 diabetes, breast, and ovarian cancer.”
I don’t have a PhD, but I know that “was associated with” doesn’t mean “caused”… and I’m pretty sure any old MD does as well.
I agree that you need to have some knowledge of statistics and research methods if you want to be able to read medical studies, but we’re really not talking about a huge level of complexity when it comes to these particular studies.
In any case, the maternal outcomes are really of very secondary importance if you ask me. What is the strongest decision factor for me are the outcomes for the child… and again, I think the body of research is fairly clear in its conclusions there.
I’m not sure if I should be flattered or insulted by the insinuation that I might be genetically different from most of the population.
Yes, take it a little at a time, and, yes, every drop of breastmilk a baby gets is a good thing. Take the “few weeks at a time”, keep renewing it, and before you know it, it’s been a year. Do that times a couple of kids & you belong to that “rare” group of women who has breastfed two years or longer. I’ve long said that one message that REALLY doesn’t get out to new mamas is “Stick to it, in a few months, you know what you’re doing, baby knows what’s she’s doing, and all of a sudden, it’s easy. Most mamas quit before they get to the easy part.
But it’s not a good thing to have the mindeset that you can always just change to formula. Too easy. My first was a premie, spent a week in NICU with me pumping bottles for her, ’cause I couldn’t hold her long enough to get bf-ing going. Which, unsurprisingly, left us with ISSUES to sort out when we got home, as far as getting breastfeeding properly established. Had I not been of the mindset that formula was not an option, she would not have weaned a lot longer ago than her 3rd birthday. A few weeks in I realized we were never going to get anywhere unless bottles were also not an option–and, mind you, this was NOT helpful for me. I was sore for 4 MONTHS, working full-time and then some (but I had her with me). But then, the second baby was as totally easy to bf as the first was tough–and he’s still nursing at 21 months. Just ’cause it ain’t easy doesn’t mean it ain’t worthwhile.
I always suggest trying to keep up with it for a couple of months–because a few weeks’ old baby may be colicky and very needy. I tell moms that if a 6 month old nursed the way a 2 month old does, well…I probably wouldn’t have kept breastfeeding and I’m not sure the human population would have made it.
As to your other points. Yes, correlation and causation–people often miss these issues. At the same time, while not EVERY associated health issue may pan out to be correct, it seems very likely that if health benefits are associated with what is a natural process that, for at least some of them, there is a causation relationship.
Not sure about maternal diabetes and breastfeeding–but I do not think it is such a leap of faith to believe that moms make the best food for their infants.
If the science is bad that is only because truly randomized trials are unethical.
So, absence of (solid) proof in this case is not really proof of absence (of effect), know what I mean?
Why give a hoot what someone feeds their child? Well, one reason is simple economics. Formula-fed children cost about $6000.00 more in health care than breastfed children (probably more than that–that was from a study I ran across several years ago). Under our current setup, much of that bill is being covered by the taxpayers–ergo, those “well-to-do” people that DO breastfeed their kids–through Medicaid or SCHIP programs. Also, the taxpayers are footing the bill for a huge percentage of the formula that is given to babies in this country, through WIC. If you don’t want someone caring that you choose to give your child inferior food, make sure you’re paying the price yourself. If you are going to take other people’s money, you get their judgments along with. That’s part of the price of taking charity, and a major reason why the welfare state has failed. Taking handouts without having to face the person giving them to you is not psychologically good for us.
That’s just one reason. There are, of course, plenty of others.
That is so cruel. Honestly.
Thank you Heather! Extremely well said (AND I am on my very last day of formula feeding after ebf for 7 months – lost supply due to surprise pregnancy).
This is a lovely post, and I love what you’ve said here… thank you.
It’s difficult for me to just blithely move on when someone is talking about the myths, and just “quietly respect” it… the same way it’s difficult for me to blithely ignore someone saying that turning their infant’s carseat at 5 months is “just as safe” because she’s never gotten in a car accident, and the baby clearly likes it better anyway. When it comes down to issues of life-long/world/public/infant health, I feel like we can’t afford get entangled in the politics of politeness. There’s just too much at stake. It’s a troublesome feeling because we’re all supposed to be good little lactivists who never speak unless we’re spoken to, and yet by doing so we allow misinformation to be spread like wildfire when we had a chance to correct it… then when we do it only results in more defensiveness, often regardless of how you phrase it. It’s enough to make you want to give up on people completely.
We have this cultural idea very deeply nested in privilege that says no one should say or do anything that would make another person uncomfortable, like say, “That’s not true” or, “that’s a racist thing to say”. On one hand I completely respect and 100% agree with what you’ve said, on the other hand it’s impossibly hard to expect that we’ll ever get past the myths that are deeply entrenched in our culture when we do that. Informed choice is hard to come by these days.
doesn’t make breasts sag? you’ve got to be kidding me.
i’m all for nursing and did it with both my kids but come on… you can’t tell me i would have these shrivelled little nothings afterwards if i hadn’t breastfed!
Yes we can… because it’s true. Breastfeeding isn’t what changes your breasts: it’s pregnancy. Regardless of whether or not you breastfeed, your breasts will increase several cup sizes, fill with milk, and eventually dry up. Plus, over your life your breasts will loose elasticity, sag depending on their weight, etc etc… It has nothing at all to do with breastfeeding. Age and pregnancy do the most “damage”.
hbm: It isn’t breastfeeding that causes them to sag. It is pregnancy, age, and a host of other factors. Choosing to breastfeed (or not) makes no difference.
My mom never breast fed and started out with Bs and ended with E. Had to have a breast reduction later in life. Like they said age and pregnancy. Plus it has a lot to do with genetics.
It just seems like it’s breastfeeding because it delays it happening until you stop (I’ve been going for 5 years, through two pregnancies and an H cup so dread to think what they’ll look like when I stop!) just like the myth that breastfeeding makes your hair fall out, it’s just the extra hair that didn’t fall out in pregnancy, if you don’t breastfeed it falls out soon after birth and if you do it happens when your hormone levels drop as baby cuts down or weans.
It took me years and two babies to ask the right kind of questions to the right people at the right time and be able to figure out that I have hypoplasia. I’m glad people continued to share their knowledge, to direct me to appropriate sources for additional info (including an email *with photos, whoa*) to Kathleen Huggins. I kept struggling, I kept talking, I kept supplementing, and we made it. It made me somewhat resentful to buy cans of formula even while nursing, pumping, cleaning tubes and bottles and breast pads, but there you go. It’s the way of it. Second daughter nursed 3.5 years and still has fond memories of it.
To really want to breastfeed and not be able to make enough milk is severely worsened emotions-wise when the pat assumption is that I just *think* I can’t make enough milk, haven’t tried enough things, or haven’t tried hard enough. A diagnosis and second opinion from professionals has been of real, concrete assistance in both physical and emotional ways. -NOT implying that I wasn’t talking to helpful people before, mind you-
In my experience, many helpful people feel with the right cheerleading I can go on to successfully breastfeed 100%. I love cheerleading, but I happen to need more than that, and getting real answers to a legitimate problem has been so helpful. I am researching both before-baby preparation options and also Milkshare for DD#3. Thanks for years of support, lactivists!
Wonderful post
I am one of those who wanted so much to BF successfully. I tried so hard. I tried until I had bleeding sores. I asked for help from everyone I could- nurses, peds., LCs, I even contacted LLL. I even took a class and read every book I could prior to birth. I put him to the breast literally RIGHT after birth, and I did it often. But (AND I might be getting into TMI-land here, but WTH) between my flat, tiny nipples and his tiny mouth we just couldn’t get it right, even with all the support and great advice. I even tried using shields. I ended up in the ER with Mastitis from the sores. And I STILL tried.
I eventually pumped for him and he got BM for 7 months. But I could only pump so many times a day (it’s SO much harder than just BFing- all the sterilizing and prep work and taking time out to try to relax and pump. So eventually my supply dwindled). I did supplement sometimes, but for a majority of the time my milk supply was great, just at the beg. and end I had to supplement.
Anyway, it was devastating. I bawled for months over it. I felt like a total failure, and I really didn’t appreciate others asking me about it. You said it just right here- it opened up the wound EVERY TIME. It hurts me at a level so deep I couldn’t get over it at all for a long time (it still makes me feel awful. I’m getting teary-eyed at the moment). But I know now that I did my best and I tried much harder than many probably would have (especially after the Mastitis). I had people (mostly strangers or those who didn’t know me well) asking if I was BF and why I wasn’t (or assuming what I had in his bottle was formula- making me explain why it was BM and why I had to pump it). Which I couldn’t explain in full detail; I mean, it’s one thing to go into my nipple issue with a bunch of strangers online who I will never see face to face, it’s quite another when talking to my mom’s friends or my husband’s coworkers. So because I would be vague and just say we had latching issues, they’d assume I’m stupid and lazy and would go into a big lecture about the importance of “trying”. Like I don’t know. It was insulting and hurt me every time. Not only that but I felt violated, like my personal space was breeched. So I just wanted to say for someone like me, IMO, this letter was just great. Wonderfully put.
Anyway, I plan on trying again when we have the next one, and hearing that you make more tissue with every baby is great news
(although I was like an I or something crazy when I was BFing LOL so god knows what size I’ll be next time! EEK!).
The importance of trying??? Your baby was getting your milk, what else matters?
I am as saddened by those who choose not to breastfeed as I am by women who believe they cannot deliver their baby naturally. Both were life-altering experiences for me and I mourn for women who never get to experience the ‘post birth high’ or the intimacy of snuggling their child to their breast. The idea that someone could be repulsed by breastfeeding is repulsive to me. I was sexually molested for 7 years and that never entered my head when I chose to breastfeed. The fact that one could associate the negative feelings from being molested with the pure innocent joy of breastfeeding is one more sign of out society’s sexualization of breasts. If our society hadn’t turned boobs into sex objects molestation survivors would never even make a connection between sexual trauma and breastfeeding.
I like the paragraph on defensiveness. It reminds me of the great circumcision debate – another human rights issue and hot button parenting topic. For example:
“This is really hard because people get defensive. They may get defensive because they are using a commonly held circumcision myth as a cover for a deeper reason for circumsizing that they do not want to share and they really don’t want their cover to be blown. Or they may get defensive because they really believed that myth and if it isn’t true, then it puts their decision into question. I don’t want to blow anyone’s cover and I don’t want anyone to feel bad about a decision that they made, especially if they made it because of bad information given to them by someone else. But…but…but…I don’t want other women to give up on not circumcising because they believe something to be true that really isn’t true and I don’t want you to be robbed of the opportunity to not circumcise your future children (if you want to) because you believe something that really isn’t true.”
Just for example. Insert other parenting choices, CIO, bed-sharing ect. I think it works just as well.
I’m sorry I’m so late to join in here, but what a lovely post. I breastfed and for the first 3 months it was hell. 14 months later we’re still doing it, and I wouldn’t change it for the world. But, I know there are other moms out there who feel differently – and many, many of my friends have wrong impressions and information on breastfeeding. It’s become such a touchy subject that it’s hard to even bring up just in passing.
Thank you for this.
Just stumbled upon this blog and this post in particular and I totally adore it. I have been in the same awkward situation before where someone is telling me they “can’t breastfeed because they didn’t have enough milk.” I want so badly to explain how unlikely this is, but I also don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I just don’t want them to spread this myth to others.
It is not a myth! Good Lord! It happens. Research that too. Some people have infertility too, are you going to tell them they don’t?
About 3-5% of dyads can’t breastfeed (and not just for supply issues) so it’s not that uncommon but neither is it as common as you’d believe if everyone who said they didn’t have enough milk. Actually, the figure might be higher than that but you can’t blame it on lactation failure, more like lactation support failure.
This was a wonderful post and I have to say that I hope I can reach that point in my own growth someday. Right now I feel so strongly about breastfeeding and how important it is that I just get angry when people don’t have a “good reason” -i.e., because their breasts belong to them, because it’s gross/dirty/inappropriate, etc.
I know that breastfeeding isn’t the best option for some duos, like my friend who decided she would be better off taking her depression medication and being a stable parent (and like Jackie above). I find no fault with people that have legitimate medical or emotional reasons, but people who don’t research it at all drive me crazy. I think someone who isn’t willing to at least consider breastfeeding as an option shouldn’t be a parent. And I realize that it’s judgmental and I don’t want to be that way but my love for all the little babies far outweighs my love for their mamas.
Intellectually, I’m right on board with your post, but as you can see my heart hasn’t quite caught up. Maybe it’s just the idealism of pre-parenting youth – I truly hope that someday I can view the subject with as much tolerance and compassion as you do.
Sadly unless she was on some heavy duty anti-psychotics she was misled about not breastfeeding on antidepressants. Another myth that needs challenging, too many doctors take the cautious road and tell women not to breastfeed with medication when it’s not necessary.
I make it a point to talk about why I gave up on breastfeeding so early – because I know (now) that I was wrong about a lot of things – and I hope that it will somehow help other moms (and myself next time around).
At the same time, I won’t say I haven’t lied about the whys (especially in the beginning, when I felt most vulnerable) and it is very important to not make moms feel like they have to do so – how will that ever make them want to breastfeed?
All that to say – I appreciate your post. And the misconceptions DO need to be corrected – but it DOES need to be gently. Beating someone over the head with how wrong they are is never going to convince – even if you are 100% right. So thank you for your gentleness – and for spreading the word on how important that is…
Oh and I should add – I ALWAYS believe I would breastfeed – I DID do research – I DID judge other moms before I ever had my own…and then I ran into more booby traps than I ever knew existed.
I know there are moms out there who just decide to do things without caring about the consequences or bothering to do any research – but there are also plenty who do care a lot and who did think they were prepared.
My wish is for more and more moms to know and understand where they can get total, loving support when they are having a hard time – as opposed to judgment, misinformation and all around difficulty. It is these types of posts that are stepping stones to getting to that point.
i nursed my baby for one day….yes 24 hours before hitting problems and have cried everyday since…. i live in fear my baby will become ill or worse as i formular feed. Constant reading has made me feel like i am pouring poison into her mouth and paying a huge premium for it too!
It is now week 4 and i work every 1 and a half to two hours pumping to try and get my suply up to meet the needs of my 11lb beauty! But a mere 6 – 8oz a day will just not surfice! I try to latch her on but she gets fustrated…sometime if tired she will nurse for a few mins…more conforting i guess. So here is a mum desperate to do her best trying to nurse (i give her what i get through the bottle) Why? due to medical reasons…and yes i feel genuine ones… i had to endure ecg’s xrays, bloodtests, blood gas tests and vq scans (which in turn make you and your milk radioactive for up to 48 hours) i had to watch the staff feed my baby by bottle….i believe stretching her stomach and giving her a taste for large feeds. I could not even hold my child for this period of time due to the radiation…devestating. why? due to a potentially fatal blood clot on the lung. at first i refused the tests…but would my baby be better off if i was dead? no! so i had to go ahead. Since then i have never been able to sucessfully nurse her unless she had a top up feed and yes for two days i nursed her for up to 9 hours at a time without a break! so please do not judge… and yes please listen i still greive the loss of my ability to ebf but am attempting (unsucessfully to date) to get it back.
Oh this sounds so familiar
My daughter is 7 weeks old this week and a week old today by her corrected age (she was born at 34 weeks) we’ve been out of hospital a week. We had so many issues with her feeds and she spent two weeks having all her feeds from a bottle with the odd breastfeed in there when she occasionally asked for it. She had the first two weeks as nil by mouth, a week of breastfeeding (too soon IMO) where she caarried on losing weight until she was -10%, a week of mixed feeding then two weeks of bottle and we’ve been working on breastfeeding for just over a week.
I’ve been working for just over a week on reestablishing breastfeeding, it’s not easy and she is intolerant to the formula which makes her very sick (she just opens her mouth and it flows out, she doesn’t make any noise so I’ve ended up soaked without realising it until I’m soaked) so I’m desperate to get her away from it. Today is the first day she’s not had a top up, she normally needs a full feed in the night so we’ll see how we go tonight.
My tips for you:
Give an ounce before a feed to take the edge off the hunger.
Babymoon as much as possible – go to bed, keep you both naked, let baby sleep on your chest and feed when hungry, don’t watch the clock, have everything you need ready next to you (food/ drink/ TV controls/ laptop).
Express both sides after a feed.
Drugs! I’ve been on Domperidone which the hospital prescribed but can be bought as Motillium; and Fenugreek 3×4 a day, you need to smell of it (sweat/ milk/ wee)
Don’t beat yourself up if you have to give formula, every bit of your milk you can give is a bonus. Remember a huge amount of people were formula fed and go on to live normal lives without any problems, it’s not a given that there will be.
That’s if you want to do it, not saying you should do it, just letting you know how we’re doing it.
Replying to this:
“Author: Claire
Comment:
About 3-5% of dyads can’t breastfeed (and not just for supply issues) so it’s not that uncommon but neither is it as common as you’d believe if everyone who said they didn’t have enough milk. Actually, the figure might be higher than that but you can’t blame it on lactation failure, more like lactation support failure.”
I see this percentage thrown about a lot. Where is the data to support it? I’ve seen anthropological think pieces but never any actual data. I don’t know what the actual number is. I suspect it may be higher. But I don’t know. What I do know is that this (phony) number is trotted out to make the case that women give up on breastfeeding too easily. If you are not one of the 3-5% with a “bona fide” reason for being part of a “dyad” that couldn’t cut it, then you just suffered from “misinformation” or “lack of support” or maybe you just didn’t love your baby enough or maybe you were not strong enough to gut it out.
Yeah, right.
Here is the other side. Sometimes the breaking point for a mother (who is by the way 100% of a total person with her own feelings and needs and not just 50% of a “dyad”) falls on the other side of 3-5%.
The lengths we expect women to go to to breastfeed are often unreasonable, especially when options exist that allow parents to healthfully feed their babies.
I am far more interested in providing women with the assistance they need to meet their own feeding hopes and goals than to muddle over whether or not a women who did not breastfeed long enough (or at all) fits into some neat little category of the 3-5%.
That statistic makes me want to OCCUPY something.
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