Wednesday
Sep212011
Trials and Tribulations of Toddlers
Wednesday, September 21, 2011 
In my reader survey, I found out how many of you have toddlers and I got tired just thinking about it.As cute as they are, I know it can be a challenging time -- sleep issues, temper tantrums, zero impulse control. They certainly keep parents on their toes and probably make them question their sanity on a regular basis.
I want to do something for all of the parents of toddlers out there reading my blog. I have a project in mind, but I need your help. Tell me about the biggest challenges you are facing right now. What do you find frustrating, tiring, and downright difficult?
Share your stories!
Reader Comments (123)
Why. I know it probably seems silly and insignificant but the whys all. day. long. can really get to me. Sometimes if I don't say anything he let's it go, like it's an automatic response. At the end of the day, though, when I've heard that question hundreds of times I start to lose my patience...
I got one similar on amazon that is a sun, at night it's blue and in the morning it turns yellow. It was very helpful for our early waker who now sleeps until 7!
Picky eating! My 2-year-old refuses to eat vegetables and only occasionally eats what proten we are having. He has good taste though: Loves tuna, prime rib and pork.
I wouldn't take him to a regular pediatrician. I recommend developmental pediatricians. They specialize in just this sort of thing. Ours has been very kind to us and did confirm my overall suspicions about my son (he has autism), but is also quick to let me know when his behavior is typical for his age. Our regular pediatrician dismissed us with "that's being a typical toddler" when my "momma instinct" said otherwise. Listen to your gut! Good luck!
I'm with you too. Plus, my son has sensory issues with food, so sometimes I realize he really can't eat what we're having. I try to offer him options instead. "Ok, you don't want to eat the banana. You may have a choice between broccoli or an apple...which would you like to eat?" and that helps.
The aggression! My 2.5 year old is very aggressive. And along those lines, I'm trying to facilitate appropriate play between my toddler and my 9 month old. I think my older son would like to do things with his brother, but isn't relating to him so is becoming aggressive instead.
Maranda, I think different stages are more/less enjoyable for different parent personalities! I know for me, I have all the same 2 year old problems as everyone else, but I like the twos. I think the terrible threes are much more difficult!! They are more difficult to distract, and the tantrums last longer! My mom always preferred infancy.... We are all different!
I think eating issues are often caused when parents make food an issue of control rather than sustenance. All small kids want to control their world, and they often focus on food. So if parents are rigid about expecting kids to do X (like clean their plate) they will often do Y. In addition, small children have extremely sensitive senses of taste and texture, so it's pretty common that flavors that seem okay to us are revolting to children. I wouldn't send my kid to bed hungry either. I tend to make them food I know they will like and add on a bit of what we're having in some form (although they often eat before us because they go to bed early). The 3 y.o. has to take at least one "thank you" bite from everything on the plate, but whatever he eats or doesn't eat after that is up to him. I don't care. My job is to provide a balanced and nutritious meal. His job is to decide what he wants to eat. And we have a designated snack before bedtime that's part of the daily meal routine. (We don't do dessert, so that's never an issue.) I was a kid who wouldn't eat much and I spent a LOT of time sitting at the dining room table after everyone had left refusing to eat my vegetables, and I ended up with a very unhealthy relationship to food. I think it's one of those situations where we as parents have to ask ourselves - Is this really a big deal to me? Why? What am I trying to teach/give my child out of this situation? When you think about it, it's kind of strange to try to force someone to like certain foods if they don't. It's not a moral failing if your neighbor doesn't like cilantro!
Candice - the garbage was a huge problem in our house too! He'd throw stuff into it - important stuff like shoes and pacifiers. Our solution to stuff like that is, as much as possible, physical prevention. We now keep our garbage on a chair so he can't reach it, and we have child locks on the cupboards that he really can't mess with.
I totally feel your pain! Our issue was pretty similar - the night nursing was killing me. We eventually weaned at 21 months and that led to sleeping through the night. I couldn't function as a full time working mom and nurse at night too. I've been a cranky, exhausted zombie since I went back to work.
For us it's two things: sleep issues continue to plague us. The little darling rarely sleeps thru the night. We've tried all the solutions, we've been to a sleep doctor. She'll be three in Feb and daily (nightly?) we wonder at what age will she just lay down at bedtime and wake up in the morning. Our second issue, that we are just starting to face with my five year old daughter is the weight, skinny, my belly sticks out issues. I abhor all the stores (old navy I'm talking to you!) that sell 'slim' and 'skinny' jeans to little girls. What a horrible message that sends so early. With two young daughters, I know the image and weight issues are just around the corner, unfortunately.
SLEEP! I ezzo'd my oldest 2, and did some CIO with my 3rd, but my 4th I have been firmly against CIO, and she also still cosleeps with us. I am having a terrible time transitioning her to good sleeping habits, namely just staying in bed until she falls asleep. Because we have older kids up to age 12, we cannot spend hours with her bedtime routine.
Yawwwwn.
Oh, forgot to say, she's 3.5.
My two year old is a very physical little boy. He is a lovely little boy, and can be empathetic and sweet at times, but he is the officially designated hitter/smacker/pusher/biter of every play group we are in. I have really used only "gentle discipline" on him and don't usually do time out or anything other than real "natural consequences" but as he is such a handful, I am questioning my own resolve! His behavior is definitely in the range of normal, it's just that he's at the aggressive/bullying end of that normal spectrum, and I don't know how to handle it! I am starting to feel that "gentle discipline" must only work for more temperamentally sensitive and empathetic children. Joe has a speech delay, so that makes him even harder to reason with. I'm tired of getting withering looks from other mothers who think I'm "not doing anything" about Joe's behavior. This phase is kicking my behind. Help!!
Melissa,
I got this owl from Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Wake-Owl-Night-Light-Music-Timer/dp/B0044D0HA2/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1316716438&sr=8-1
It works some of the time... :)
I actually bought 2 thinking I'd have one in my room and one in his (we part-time cosleep), but I never used the one for my room. If you want me to send you the other one, I'd be happy to!
Yes, the weaning issue is soooooooo on my mind! My son turned 3 in July and still wants to nurse morning, noon and night. We've had lots of discussions about it, even the lure of a party when he's done. But no pressure from my part because something about it he needs. But I am done with it. And I feel guilty about that.
Oh god! Mine is 17 months and she will not leave my other nipple alone. She can get under any clothes I put in her way and even digs her hand in under my hand or arm if I block her, then wakes up and cries because I won't let her twist and poke at it. We're definitely seeing the beginning of her asserting her opinion!
Yes, yes! I think at least 75% of all of our struggles occur when I forget that I am the adult. Whoops. It's damn hard being the role model, eh? :)
Oh yes. If I can't bear it any longer, I turn it back on him. "Why do YOU think so, dear?" Sometimes it stops him in his tracks, and sometimes you get some really good nuggets of toddler wisdom. :)
I'm just getting my 2.5 year old (mostly) night-weaned and we still bedshare. At 18 months she definitely was't ready, but at a little over two I started ignoring her first requests to nurse and I found it was mostly reflex on her part whenever she rolled over and she would go back to sleep. If she's really awake and needs to nurse she'll keep asking and eventually tap me. It really was more about training myself to not offer every time she made a peep. At this point we're nursing to sleep and then again between 4:30 - 6 am when it used to be at least 3 times a night.
is he possibly doing some sensory seeking? and ((hugs)) - i hate dealing with other, non-gentle-parenting, adults - who think that the best way to get my child to stop hitting theirs is for me to hit him. :rolleyes
oh, and fwiw, the worst physical kids i know respond to GD the same time-frame as the non-GD ones. IOW, they grow out of it, or learn other ways to deal with it. i would guess teh speech delay has a huge part to do with it, him feeling like he doesn/t know how to communicate his needs and all. do you sign with him? that might help.
My daughter (13 months) does the same thing! I have baby-made bangs now, as the hair she pulled out months ago is starting to grow back...But she still finds comfort in holding my hair.
Yes! He is a bit on the sensory-seeking end of things, although he has been formally evaluated for SPD and everyone seems to think he is pretty normal as far as that goes (but he's a little young to be assessed, I hear). But even if it's not formal SPD, he has a "touch" of sensory-seeking, to be sure. I think his very physical nature has contributed to his speech delay, and vice versa - that is, he is more interested in climbing and learning spatial reasoning than communicating, and then he can't communicate as well, so he reacts physically, etc.
He knows a TON of signs, and his vocabulary is really picking up now. He didn't talk much at all at two (he was assessed at a 12 month speech level at that point), but his communication has exploded since then. He's in speech therapy, and doing great with it. It seems likely he is just a late talker and will catch up just fine. But although he knows a lot of signs and more and more words, sharing is still really hard for him, and he does yank and push a lot. He doesn't have the vocabulary (sign or verbal) to express that he is mad, or that something is his. He doesn't self reference at all at this point - so he doesn't say "Joe's toy" or "my toy." So that definitely makes it harder. He wins all "negotiations" by force, basically!
My "discipline approach" basically consists of me removing him from situations, and trying to explain why (while feeling that this is futile, and really more for show, so that other mothers don't think I'm not trying!). I just don't know what else to do? Such a relief to hear that he might grow out of it! I know that's true, but lately, I'm just avoiding play dates with anything other than the most physical children (with kids of a similar temperament, there is way less conflict, as they can push and shove a bit without complaining).
Thanks for responding!
the biggest challange we face is that my husband travels for work. a LOT. it often feels like i am a single parent, it is really hard, i can't imagine actually BEING a single parent full-time
Our rule has been no nursing until "mr sun" is awake . Works well for my 2.5 yr old
Hi Alix, I have a picky eater too! It was a huge shock because both parents fairly adventurous. For a while we joked that DD was our vegetarian who ate bacon. What I read was not that you are supposed to let them go to bed hungry (DD has always been 2 percentile on growth chart so that was really not an option), but that you should include a few items that you know they will eat. Don't talk about food and eating habits in front if your child, except to comment on your child's progress. Eg. She's such a good eater, look Daddy, she ate TWO bites of supper today!
Don't make dessert conditional on clearing plate or eating detested food. Don't assume child will never like food she's currently turning down. Encourage tasting or single bite but don't make a big deal over it. Get child to
help prepare food. Ask those who eat with you not to comment.
We tried all of the above and DD is much less picky about things now. Still doesn't eat a lot of things, but she eats meat! And fish! And green vegetables (even kale). Lots of fruit too (still no berries but she says she likes them even if she's never actually eaten one)
Funny story about fish: she wouldn't even put it in her mouth until we bought a whole one, head and all and made it talk to her. Some kids apparently like to know exactly where their food is coming from. We also have had good luck with presentation tricks, ie making her food in miniature (served on doll plates), or in fancy shapes. Cookie cutter sandwiches, for example. Or combining a loved food (cranberries) with a suspect food (cooked carrot). Found that a few months of combined mouthfuls later she starts to eat both on their own.
I could definitely use some tips on the eating issues too. My two year old Joe seems to subsist on milk, refined flour products, and meat. Yes, I give him a wide variety of foods to choose from. He just won't eat any of them. It's a major victory when he eats three bites at dinner. Often when he won't eat, he will scream the whole mealtime instead. I don't THINK I personally view food as this major power struggle (for example, I don't force anything on him, I figure if he's hungry, he'll eat), so I'm not sure where this came from! Seriously, I think he's really hungry, so he gets cranky, so then he gets really negative, then it just snowballs into misery from there. Fun times!
I'm pretty sure the worst part of parenting a toddler is having to deal with the reactions his behavior brings up in me.
Long after he out grows the night waking, the whining, the picky eating, the crazy upside down nursing and the no-sharing phase, I'll still be haunted by all the time I responded in the wrong way...all the times I should have just let him be a kid and all the times I was too frazzled to think of a better response.
I think my confidence has taken a nose dive since becoming a mom, and I hope that my complete and total lack of knowing what I'm doing won't screw the kid up too badly!
I have a 4 year old, 3 year old and just-turned-one year old. Begging is a problem for us. Even when I have already said no (in a playful, redirecting way) the begging can escalate to whining and screaming.
Picky eating - not sure why my 3 and 4 year old suddenly hate so many foods they used to love?
Picking up after themselves - I have gotten rid of half of our toys because I cannot handle the mess. I am constantly picking up toys and other things. I try to lead by example and my kids will pick up sometimes but.... how can I get them to always pick up.
Fighting - my kids fight with each other. Stopping a fight between toddlers is different than older kids. I can't tell you how many times I have said "we do not hit in this house" yet there are times when they will hit or kick or push each other.
Have you read "Sexy so soon"? I found it very helpful and I think it was Annie that recommended it to me in the first place.
I think my struggle right now is that my son is a very YOUNG toddler--he's just in that transition from baby to toddler (1 year old, crawling and pulling up, but not quite walking). Everything that worked when he was a baby doesn't work anymore, and everything that people recommend for toddlers (mostly for verbal children, which, again, not there yet) doesn't work yet.
He is at this stage where he can think of something that *is not here* and try to ask for it with no words and he gets so frustrated. And he won't sign. I got all excited when he started doing the sign for "milk," but apparently, to him, it means "thing that I want"!
I don't have a toddler just yet, but I know my niece is having a terrible time with being scared of loud noises and thunderstorms.
Jenna
callherhappy.com
I have a 2.5yo and a 4mo. The things I'm struggling with the most are impulse control and a very demanding attitude. Especially about nursing. He stopped a month before his brother was born and then started again when his brother was 5weeks. Now when he wants to nurse there are no alternatives or distractions that will satisfy and I'm struggling with being on the same page. Get so touched out sometimes. Though in theory I love both requests the two words that drive me crazy are: "nurse?" & "read?" as in: "nurse, nurse, NURSE!" and "read, read, READ!" I need practical ways to redirect when it isn't reasonable for me to fulfill his request at the moment.
My 29 month old son is actually pretty easy. He rarely throws tantrums and misbehaves. I think a lot of that has to do with being the only child still and he gets a lot of attention. Something I am struggling with is helping him feel comfortable with his feelings. I've been reading a lot about it and trying to help him through his extreme sensitivity. I know I was really "shy" as a child and he seems to take after me. He bows his head down when greeting people, covers his eyes during emotional parts in a movie or even a book, and is completely devasted when he is called out on something. I'm not sure how to help him to understand better and help him hold his high. Maybe he understands too well?
This is the one but I'm not sure where you get it in North America.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Babyzoo-Sleep-Trainer-Monkey-Yellow/dp/B002HHVQL6
What if "mr sun" is awake at 5.30am? He does that in the height of summer where I live!
I've got a 3 1/2 year old, who I still think of as a toddler, and a 16-month-old, who is definitely a toddler. The 16-month-old is generally pretty easygoing, but I'm really struggling with her newfound desire for phones and other objects she can't have. If I say "no" to her desire for the telephone or the coffee cup or the bottle of sunblock, she screams and cries and just breaks down, and it takes 5 minutes or so to calm her down. The complete breakdown is just so sad, but I can't let her play with mom's makeup... Tough one. As for the 3 1/2 year old, the mornings are just so awful. She wakes up, and refuses to pick an outfit or let me pick one, instead whining and writhing on the floor. Then she asks for oatmeal every morning but most mornings won't eat it, just scream and cry about how it's not right. And on and on, until she's been up for half an hour or so and her disposition improves. I just muscle through it and try to be understanding, but it's awful.
Jennifer, YES PLEASE!! That would be awesome! Thank you! If you email me we will figure out how close/far apart we are....
melissa at mothersofchange dot com
You're awesome...
I had thought about this, but yes, Mr Sun wakes up at 4:30 in summertime and 8:00 in the dead of winter where we are, so I'm not sure it would be the best solution...
I have an almost three year old and an 18 month old. My biggest challenge right now is that they are both still nursing, and nursing a LOT. I am finding it incredibly draining, physically and emotionally. I have finally night weaned them both (we bed share), but daytime weaning is not going well. My husband and I are TTC number three, and I fear it will never happen as long as they keep up at this rate. But even with that put aside, I am totally exhausted, and it is forcing me to reconsider my LLL philosophy big time.
So, you're going to do something for us parents of toddlers? Fantastic! It's so sweet of you to offer to come over and babysit. Which Saturday night is looking good for you? ;)
I was like this. Adults are terrible in that they constantly do stuff for kids, and that made me mad. (I'm not saying that your family does this, but I bet uncles, friends, and sitters do.) I constantly felt like adults were looking down on me and patronizing me and I hated it. My parents said I always wanted to do it "all by da self".
Oh the tantrums, the tantrums. Violent, unending tantrums. And the judging from other parents re: the tantrums. Everything else is simple.
my son is 13 and now that he's asleep and i sat down to type this out, all i could think of is how adorable he was pointing out his head, shoulders and nose to his daddy at dinner tonight. i'll come back and tell you more tomorrow after he wakes :)
i think the biggest issue is how attached he is to me (slightly more to my hubby now). he still nurses quite frequently and mostly through the night and has a hard time sleeping or taking naps if i am not there to nurse him to sleep. we were planning on night weaning this week but then his molars started coming in and he got sick so we decided to postpone it because if i tried to deny him booby while he's sick AND teething- well that would just be the apocalypse.
he's pretty bright and things are getting a little easier because he will finally sit down and concentrate on something (a small task, a book, tv (gasp!), a snack). he has been walking since just before he turned 9 months and was like a tazmanian devil up until just a few weeks ago.
i hope this helps in anyway, if i think of something tomorrow i will come back and post :)
oops, 13 months!
The aggression! She pushes kids down and slaps their heads, and the thing is, we can't figure out why. Sometimes its clear, the kid has something she wants or is between her and something she wants - then we can give her other ways to express herself. But often she just runs across the playground to spontaneously push down a child who is no where near her. ARRRGGGHHH. I don't know how to redirect her into alternative behaviours because I have no clue what she is feeling!
Thankyou!
I have a nearly 4 yr old and 10 mth old. Issues for me are about maintaining the boundaries and how to stop the older one from, for example, climbing the pantry shelves to get to the biscuits when I've forgotten to padlock (yes, sadly padlock) the pantry while I bf his brother or change a nasty nappy. Once he knows I'm physically unable to stop him doing something he knows he shouldn't be doing, he goes ahead and does it.
I have a 16-month old and I am interested in learning how to better handle situations where other (and often older) toddlers are rough with mine (hitting, shoving, etc.). Mine does not behave this way (but perhaps it is a 'stage' he may go through). Looking for intervention strategies particularly if the other child's parent saw the incident take place & follows a different parenting style than AP.
I absolutely identify with this Courtney!! I used to feel frustrated and resentful when my daughter would wake up several times a night- I was exhausted! And when I would finally get her back to bed I would feel so ashamed of my response, even though I tried to never let her see how I felt. We're humans- sometimes we lose our patience. I know that if you love your son he will be just fine.