10 Things All New Parents Should Know
As parents, we’ve all made mistakes. We’ve all seen other parents make mistakes. In some cases, the mistakes are due to poor information and in other cases just poor judgement. The poor judgement part is, in my mind, just part of learning the art of parenting. It is something you learn through experience and by observing like-minded parents and hopefully your judgement improves with time.
But poor information is a problem. The science of parenting continues to evolve. We know better now about a lot of things and therefore do things differently than our parents did. However, a lot of people turn to their parents, their older siblings, friends with older children, and other trusted people in their lives for advice on raising their children. Or they just get given the advice, unsolicited.
With the intent of dispelling some of the misinformation out there, I put together a list of the things that I think all new parents should know (of course, I’ll check the most recent studies before giving this same advice to my kids as they embark on parenthood in a few decades time!).
10 Things Every New Parent Should Know
1. You cannot spoil a child with love: So many new parents hear well-meaning people telling them that they are spoiling their baby by holding him and responding to his needs. But you cannot spoil a child with love. You can only spoil a child by giving the child stuff as a replacement for the time and attention that you are not able to give your child. This great article discusses the issue in more detail: Am I Spoiling My Child?
2. You should be responsive to your child’s cries:Your baby does not need to exercise her lungs. She doesn’t need to learn to self-soothe. What she needs are parents that understand that a baby’s cry is her only way of communicating with you and she uses it to tell you that she needs something or that she needs you. It is important to respond to your baby’s cries both to meet her most basic needs and to give her a sense of security that she will carry through life. Excessive crying can be harmful to babies. Another part of being responsive to your child is watching for cues (crying is the last cue – once the others have been missed!) to tell you when your baby is hungry and when she is tired. You don’t need to implement a schedule for feeding and for sleep, you should watch your baby instead to determine when feeding and sleeping times should be.
3. Discipline means teach: New parents worry that they need to “discipline” their child. But often when they say discipline, they mean spanking or punishing. However, the word discipline means to teach. That is what parents need to do. They need to guide and teach their children. In the same way that we do not expect a first grader to learn calculus, it is important to understand what age appropriate behaviour is and to shape your expectations of your child and your discipline (teaching) according to what a child can reasonably be expected to understand at any given age.
4. The World Health Organization recommends breastfeeding for 2 years or beyond: So many mothers think that they need to start weaning when their baby gets teeth. Or they need to wean when they introduce solid foods. Or they need to wean when they go back to work. This last one is the one I hear most often here in Canada where we have one year maternity leave. I hear mothers that loved breastfeeding talk about how they have to wean because they are going back to work. That is not the case. Moms can continue breastfeeding on demand when they are with the baby and just not nurse while at work during the day. They can, of course, choose to pump while at work (I still pump once per day for my daughter who is 16 months, but I stopped pumping at 1 year with my son), but they don’t have to. Breastfeeding doesn’t have to be all or nothing, it is possible to set limits or to partially wean, but still keep nursing in certain situations or at certain times of day. I think if more mothers knew this, more of them might be willing to nurse up to the WHO recommendation of 2 years or beyond. I recognize that not all mothers want to nurse for that long and that some babies do self-wean before that age. However, I think it is too bad when mothers that want to continue nursing feel that they have to stop earlier. Personally, I do everything in my power to keep my kids nursing until they are 2 years old and at that point, it is up to them to decide when they want to stop.
5. Solid food is not recommended before at least 6 months: Over the years, the recommendation on when to introduce solid foods has changed. I was given pablum at 6 weeks. But today, experts recommend exclusive breastfeeding for the first 6 months, followed by slow introduction of solid foods. As explained in the link, this gives babies greater protection from illness and food allergies, it gives their digestive system time to mature, helps protect from obesity, and many other benefits.
6. Your doctor is not a parenting expert and usually not a breastfeeding expert: I hear of so many new parents that feel bad after they leave their doctors office. It isn’t because their baby isn’t healthy. It is because the doctor was giving them advice on parenting issues like how and where they baby sleeps, how they deal with night wakings, how they discipline their children, and so on. Even on issues that are medical issues, listen to your doctor but do your own research too and don’t be afraid to get a second opinion. I have heard of many doctors that express concern about any baby that is not above the 50th percentile on the growth charts and start suggesting formula supplements. Hmm…50% of all babies are below the 50th percentile. Are half of our babies really at risk of starving? Also, it sometimes takes time for recommendations to trickle down to your doctor’s office. A lot of doctors still aren’t aware of the recommendation that solids only be introduced at 6 months of age. A lot of them are still using the old growthcharts for formula fed babies instead of the new charts for breastfed babies. A lot of them only had very minimal training on breastfeeding to begin with. If your doctor is raising concerns about the feeding of your baby, consider seeing an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant. They are medical professionals with significant training and experience in breastfeeding.
7. You can sleep safely with your baby: There has been a lot of publicity about co-sleeping being dangerous. I addressed a lot of those myths in my post Faulty logic from the Ontario coroner regarding bed sharing. However, if you implement a few simple guidelines, then it can be safe to sleep with your baby and can even be safer than putting your baby in a crib in a separate room.
8. Obesity is going to be the biggest health problem facing our children’s generation: They say fat is the new tobacco, meaning it will have the greatest negative impact on the health of the next generation. We need to give our children a good head start by making the right choices about infant feeding to avoid obesity and then continue to feed our children healthy foods that are low in sugar and low in saturated fats.
9. Children need to connect with nature: When we were kids, we roamed the neighbourhood without our parents. We climbed trees, picked berries, played in the dirt, built forts, caught frogs, and had a great time. We learned about nature by being part of nature. Today, parents are scared to let their kids go out on their own, so that means they keep them inside. They watch TV, they play on the computer, they go to organized sports or other activities. But free outdoor play time is rarer and rarer. If parents don’t want to let their kids roam unsupervised (I know I don’t…not yet at least!), then they need to go with them and let their child take the lead. Let them play freely in nature. Let them touch nature. Let them get exercise and fresh air at the same time. Want to read more? Get Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children from Nature Deficit Disorder.
10. Keep your child rear-facing in the car for as long as possible: A lot of parents ask when they can turn their child around and then turn them around as soon as they have met the minimum guidelines for height, weight and age. However, you should keep your child rear-facing for as long as possible, i.e. at least until they reach the height and weight limit of the car seat while rear facing (but possibly considering buying a new seat if that would mean turning the baby too soon). More information here: Why rear facing is safest.
Once you’ve done your research and made your decisions about how you want to parent, there are always going to be people that will try to tell you what you are doing is wrong. Some of them are well meaning, some of them are not. But none of them are you. Sometimes you may welcome advice and even seek it out. Other times you may want people to leave you alone. Regardless of whether the advice is solicited or not, you need to learn to take what works for you and leave the rest. And if someone keeps bothering you and won’t let up, ask them to “pass the bean dip“.
22 comments
My neck is sore from all the vigorous nodding I did while reading this. Very well said.
This is fantastic. I am spreading it around.
annie: Thanks! please do share…
Great stuff!
I particularly like the points on not being able to spoil kids with love and that discipline is about teaching not punishing.
I wish more people would realize these things. Thanks for putting it out there!
You make some good points. I especially agree with the fact that too discipline means to teach. As a child I wasn’t “taught” much except through spanking so I never really learned the difference between right and wrong; just caught and not. As a Mom now I want to teach my children to respect our family values and respect people. I will never use spanking as a form of discipline. It does get hard to have patience with a whiny two year old, but like you said we have to understand the childs age appropriate behavior. I also really agree with letting my children explore nature and just be. I had heard a story about how the children growing up need to feel connected to nature in order for them to truly appreciate it and want to take care of our world.
Thanks for coming by our blog too. I do think that babywearing is important also. I wore my eldest in a sling until I was too pregnant too carry her and then my youngest practically lived in my sling while she was a newborn so that I could run after my 14 mo old at the time. It is just the most natural for a baby to be close to their mother. You don’t see other animals carrying their babies around in carseats!
Great blog–I’ll be back another time!
Kalisha
Coming from Half Pint Pixie.
Great blog!I’ll be back when I have some more time.
This is great information! Although, regarding #5, the AAP did change it’s guidelines earlier this year allowing for infants from 4-6 months up to eat “high allergen” foods, providing their family doesn’t have a history of food allergies. Their update can be seen here: http://aappolicy.aappublications.org/cgi/content/full/pediatrics;121/1/183
Thanks for the great blogs!
@ geriatricmama:
Thank you for your comment. The link that you provided only address the allergy risk factor. However, there are many other reasons for waiting until 6 months to introduce solid foods (as listed in the link that I provided). The rationale of Health Canada and the World Health Organization for their recommendation of waiting until 6 months is also provided in this document:
http://www.hc-sc.gc.ca/fn-an/nutrition/child-enfant/infant-nourisson/excl_bf_dur-dur_am_excl-eng.php
Oh, by the way, in light of your focus on research-based parenting, I recently came upon a great organization you might like–the Talaris Institute (http://www.talaris.org/).
[...] read and always has proper sources so you can read more or find out more. My favorite post was the 10 things all new parents need to know and their point of view on leaving children to cry it out (CIO). I personally agree with their [...]
I hate to try to correct you on point 4, about the WHO recommendation to breastfeed until 2 yrs and beyond, but most of the protective effects of breasfeeding beyond about a year are for children in the third world, where supplementary food is not always safe and almost never nutritious enough. I do agree with you though that there is a need to push the pendulum in the other direction, so it’s better for mothers to believe toddlers can benefit greatly from long-term breastfeeding than to stick by the cautious advice of some well meaning doctors that 6 months is enough.
What I believe is more important, than even the belief in the benefits of long-term breastfeeding, is to instill it in people that breastfeeding in public is natural (Germany, where I live, is a great example, none bats an eyelid and I did not even cover; the USA, where I used to live, is horribly prudish in this respect).
In any case breastfeeding is a great way to bond with your child, beyond its nutritious value and health-protective effects, and the decision to wean is a very personal one, with many factors playing a role.
@ thea
Thank you for your comment.
I agree that the decision to wean is a very personal one.
However, I disagree with your comments regarding the optimal duration of breastfeeding. In addition to the World Health Organization recommendation (which takes into account the needs of babies in all countries, developing and developed), Health Canada also recommends breastfeeding for up to 2 years and beyond (and Canada certainly does not qualify as a developing country):
“Exclusive breastfeeding is recommended for the first six months of life for healthy term infants, as breast milk is the best food for optimal growth. Infants should be introduced to nutrient-rich, solid foods with particular attention to iron at six months with continued breastfeeding for up to two years and beyond .”
Health Canada references the following study for its 2 year recommendation: [4] Goldman, A.S. The immune system of human milk: antimicrobial, anti-inflammatory and immunomodulating properties. Pediatr Infect Dis J 1993; 12:664-71.
Kellymom, a research-based breastfeeding and parenting Web site, also provides research-based information on the benefits of nursing beyond a year. In summary they are:
Nursing toddlers benefit NUTRITIONALLY
Nursing toddlers are SICK LESS OFTEN
Nursing toddlers have FEWER ALLERGIES
Nursing toddlers are SMART
Nursing toddlers are WELL ADJUSTED SOCIALLY
Nursing a toddler is NORMAL
MOTHERS also benefit from nursing past infancy
Full details are available here: Extended Breastfeeding Fact Sheet (contains links to all references for the above points).
It sounds to me like this is a collection of your opinions…
@ Caroline: Number 6 is an opinion based on what I have seen myself and heard from other parents. All of the rest are research-based and are not opinions.
Despite the fact that these are all facts (not opinions), it is of course my opinion that these are the 10 most important things all new parents should know. Other people may put other things first.
@Caroline: Anything that comes from a person’s mouth IS their opinion. Whether it is an opinion based on facts or experience. Even medical studies are based on the interpretation, including opinion, of the facts. Where else are humans supposed to get information? Please name me one source, in all the world, where an opinion is not included.
None of this looks like opinion to me. More like parenting instincts (that many of us have been taught to ignore), that now science can prove they were right all along.
One I would add is that car seats are for cars! Possible problems due to car seat overuse is barely mentioned to new parents, well in the UK anyway. Yet you see it all the time.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/1526517.stm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/6216892.stm
http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1SFS/is_4_81/ai_n25358064
Not to mention the fact when carted about in car seats all day (and I know of some who spend all night in one too) they miss out on vital cuddles.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2005/nov/22/research.science
This is a great post. I totally agree with “You cannot spoil a child with love”. I hate when people say ‘you’re spoiling him!’ when I pick up or hug my child whenever he cries. I don’ t believe in ‘tough love’ – can’t do it, no thank you. I don’t care if I’m tired… I will always respond to my child if they’re crying. What will it teach a baby if you don’ t go into his/her room to see what is wrong when they are that young?
Great list! Nice little package of info to share with folks. Thanks!
~Lisa
Nice blog and good stuff provided on this blog for new parents. Thanks for writing such a good blog and helping many parents who don’t know about child necessary.
I only disagree with your continuing of the obesity scaremongering. It isn’t nearly the problem the media makes it out to be. Also, obesity has many, many factors, many of which are related to genetics. Continuing to promote the idea that fat people are fat because they’re lazy junk food eaters & if they’d just eat better & exercise more they’d be thinner does no one any favours. ITA with you about feeding your kids a healthy diet, but because everyone should eat as healthily as possible, not because of discriminatory ideas about fat people.
@Lisa: What did I say that led you to believe that I think fat people are lazy junk food eaters? I agree that obesity has many factors. I also know that it comes with risks and that it can be prevented or minimized in many people and the best way to do that is through a healthy diet and exercise.
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