Sleep associations can be extremely powerful for babies, children, and adults. When a baby first comes into the world, he is usually able to sleep just about anywhere but doesn’t sleep for long stretches. Over time, your baby’s ability to sleep anywhere will change and sleep associations will be created.
The good news is that sleep associations can be extremely powerful. You can create and use cues to help your baby understand that it is time to go to sleep and to help your baby feel comfortable doing so. For some babies that is the mother’s breast. For others it is a pacifier. For some it is a familiar place such as a crib. For others it is the movement provided by a swing, the car, a stroller, or being rocked in a parent’s arms. For some it is silence and for others white noise. Whatever the sleep associations are, it helps your baby to understand that it is time to go to sleep and makes the bedtime transition easier.
The bad news is also that sleep associations can be extremely powerful. If a baby relies on mom’s breast to go to sleep and she goes out in the evening, it can be a difficult experience for the baby and the caregiver. If the baby needs a pacifier and they all go missing, it could be a long night if there is no 24/7 pharmacy open. If the association is with a specific place, it can make it difficult to go out in the evening and take the baby with you or to go on vacation or to stay with friends. The absence of those sleep associations can make for a difficult night and even throw sleep off for a week or more afterwards.
I think it makes sense for parents to think carefully about sleep associations with their newborn and decide what types of associations they are comfortable with and willing to maintain. Elizabeth Pantley‘s books, such as the No Cry Sleep Solution and the No Cry Nap Solution (you can check out my review of the book too) talk about sleep associations, how they are created and how to change them.
In our case, we were not willing to be tied to the house all the time, so we created a strong sleep association with the parents rather than with a place. As a result, we were frequently able to go out in the evening and just have the baby nurse to sleep and then sleep in the sling while we enjoyed a party or a visit with friends. But that does mean that we need to be respectful of our children when considering any nighttime activities that could involve us being separated from them. They will not go to sleep for just anyone, so if we want to go out without the kids we could go for an early night out if they are with people they know and trust and if they don’t go to sleep for them they just stay up a bit longer. Or, alternatively, we can go out separately (I go to the party this week, my husband goes to the party next week, I play basketball one night, he goes snowboarding another).
The time often comes when sleep associations need to change (e.g. the baby outgrows the swing) or when the parents want them to change. There is absolutely nothing wrong with maintaining sleep associations that involve parenting to sleep, but if the parents do want to change sleep associations whether it is learning to go to sleep alone, moving a child that is attached to her crib into a “big girl” bed, getting rid of a pacifier, or stopping a the need for a bedtime bottle, then the attachment parenting approach to making that change should be to do it gently. Do not abruptly remove something that brings your child comfort and expect him to be okay with it. Instead, find a way to gently support your child through that transition. This requires patience, as so many aspects of parenting do, but I think a gentle approach in these situations is the most healthy for the parent-child relationship and for your child’s sleep habits.
Have you gone through any gentle transitions with regards to your child’s sleep associations? How did you approach it?
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Transitioning Peanut from our bed to her crib was extremely difficult, but necessary for my sanity. We used Pantley’s book and we ended up “hush”ing her to sleep every night. I have to say that it was not a “no cry” sleep solution, there was crying, but we all supported each other and Peanut and got through it. Whenever I needed a break, H would come in and hush for a while. We did it over a weekend, and by the next week, Peanut was sleeping in her crib. (We still needed to give her a sleep feeding to get her through the night, she was genuinely hungry.) I do agree that gentle transitions are best. I also think it’s important to realize when it’s developmentally appropriate to transition your baby/toddler/child. Peanut needed to be close to me for feedings up until she was about 6 months old. After that she was able to go for longer stretches that made it possible and practical to sleep apart. She was also able to handle the change and to self-soothe (with support). Obviously every baby is different, and every experience is unique, but I completely agree that change should be gradual and not a shock to the system.
We are in the process of changing sleep associations. For us, it was the sling we relied on heavily to get our refluxy high needs son to sleep. I don’t envision slinging him to sleep and watching TV on the couch with him working in toddlerhood, and my lovely DH wants some “us” time, so we are slowly and gently working on just those first few hours of sleep being in his crib, where he does take naps rather successfully, and then resuming our regular nightime routine of cosleeping once we go to bed. Using the NCSS techniques, I crotched a “lovie” that I hold between us when nursing and cuddling, and he holds it in his hand as he falls asleep. We have a consistent bedtime routine that involves a quick tubby, story time with daddy, a massage, then cuddling, same sounds (ocean waves), and then nursing to sleep. I don’t mind the nursing to sleep association. I do the PPO (plantley pull off) and hold him for 10-15 min before I lay him in his crib. We will slowly slowly chip away at how long I wait. He does that darned 45min wakeup stuff, so I go to him immediately, resettle him, usually without the boob, and lay him back down after holding him that obligatory timeframe. We are only on week 1 but I know this will work while being super sensitive to his needs.
I’d be interested in a post about solutions that others come up with. We worked very hard to give our daughter a positive sleep environment; she slept side-car style in our room until about 6 months, when she needed to stretch out in her crib.
At that point, we made sure to always transfer her with her lovey blankie (an 8″ square silky fabric), and stayed consistent with rocking, nightlights, a fan.
That first transition (from side-sleeping to crib) went really well, mostly I think because she was ready for it. However, part of her routine is the pacifier, and I’m worrying a bit about how best to remove that without stressing her at bedtime.
Any suggestions to that end?
@bessie.viola – I think she’ll probably outgrow the pacifier on her own with time. Is there a reason you want to get rid of it?
I used to breastfeed Ara to sleep, then moved onto just holding (with the shhhh), then onto laying next too, then onto sitting next too (and some times holding the hand), then slowly moving to the door…(over weeks)…and then I became pregnant and have bad morning sickness and now go to bed before Ara so she sleeps in the sidecar cot beside me (I parent alone most of the time).
I’ll have to start again and find some other associantions but I know I will and there will be very few tears as I know to take things slowly. Yes I do get a bit frustrated but as the saying goes we can always play tennis later
We are working on getting DS to sleep longer stretches thru the night. I start him out in his crib and he will sleep anywhere from 1-4 hours,but once he wakes up I usually bring him into our bed and nurse him back to sleep. I say that I will move him back into his crib (which is in our room) after he nurses but once I fall asleep myself we don’t wake until he wants to nurse again. Any ideas on how I can help him to sleep longer stretches or at least be able to soothe him back to sleep with out nursing? He will literally scream at night until I let him nurse,he is almost 8 months old now..
I really wish I would have known more on how to develop a good sleep association before I had children. I had only read Dr. Sears Baby Book, which is awesome, but doesn’t really go into detail about sleeping. I nursed my kids to sleep and it was really hard to change that. If I had it all to do over again, I think I’d look more into The Happiest Baby on the Block. I have friends who did it and it seemed to work wonderfully.
I think I got really lucky with my son.
While I breastfed he definitely had a sleep association with my breast and sleeping in my bed, but he weaned himself from my breast and my bed when he was 10 months old. Since then as long as he had his singing frog he would go to sleep anywhere that I laid him down.
When we moved to Ottawa 4 months ago I opted to purchase a “big boy” bed for him rather than moving the crib all the way up here (we left it for sleepovers at Grandma and Grandpa’s) and he has since taken very well to that bed and has also weaned himself from his frog.
Considering how colicky and fussy he was when he was just tiny and how young he is now (21 months next week) I was very surprised how easily he’s transitioned from stage to stage.
Talking to my friends about their frustrations and difficulties with putting their children to sleep makes me feel SO lucky!
I just thought that I should add that I didn’t get THAT lucky with the whole sleeping through the night thing…
It was until a couple of weeks ago that he started *almost* doing that.
He’s only getting up once or twice a night now whereas he was previously getting up between 4 and 6 times a night.
I know this thread and article are a little old however I wonder if anyone can help me… My son is 16 months old and I have had a rountine for quite sometime… quiet time, bath, story, bottle & cuddle then when he is half asleep I place him in his crib and he is fine… I also do the same thing bottle & cuddle for his nap. I am sure there are many peoiple out there that say get rid of the bottle which I do plan to do very soon as he hardly has much now and it is more of a comfort thing. However now at the moment he is in daycare and most days will not go down for a nap because the daycare worker wants to be able to just give him his bottle and put him in the crib and have him self sooth to sleep… many days I am told he just cried and cried, because she believes that crying it out will make him learn. I do not agree but I have no choice as to leave him there… I just need help helping him to self sooth to sleep and take away the cuddle time… as much as I love it
Any suggestions?
@Melissa: I’m sorry that you are struggling with this. Can you not look for another day care? That sounds awful. The No Cry Sleep Solution and No Cry Nap Solution (listed in My Parenting Library) have solutions for trying to transition to having your baby go to sleep alone. However, the crying at day care is not going to help. He is only going to be more anxious now if you try to make any changes.