This post provides tips for sleep deprived parents that want their babies to sleep better and, like me, do not want to use the cry it out approach. Some of these things I have learned through experience and others I've learned through reading research. I should note that I have not necessarily tried all of these things because I do not consider my children's sleep to be a problem. That doesn't mean that they never wake up and it doesn't mean that there are not tough nights here and there, but on the whole I get enough rest and my kids get enough rest.
1. Calming Bedtime Routine
Children need time to calm down and prepare for sleep. Having a consistent bedtime routine can be useful in giving the child cues that sleep time is coming. There are likely things that you do each night before bed, such as putting on pajamas, brushing teeth, reading bedtime story, nursing or rocking, and so on. Try to do those things in the same order to help your child understand what is coming next and learn to calm down through that process. You may also want to have a few routines that you alternate. For example, one routine for bath night and another one for other nights. One for weekdays and one for weekends. One that involves Daddy and one that involves Mommy. Having these alternate routines can help keep things smooth on nights when things need to change up a bit (e.g. one parent isn't there, you are visiting friends, a favourite book is missing, etc.) Also, create a calming environment during the bedtime routine. For example, turn off any bright lights (dimmers are great), television, and loud noises at least an hour before bedtime (ideally no television in several hours leading up to bedtime if you allow television at all). Consider building a massage into your bedtime routine.
2. Lots of Fresh Air and Exercise
With my kids and with lots of other kids I know, this is the single most important factor in determining how well they sleep at night. When our son was going through a really rough period with sleep as a toddler he was spending several hours outside each day running around. When we doubled the amount of time he was spending outside his sleep improved exponentially. Even in cold climates (we live in Canada), I recommend finding a way to get outside with your kids every day (bundle them up and go for several short trips outside if need be) and finding places for them to get exercise (playgroups and indoor playgrounds are great for this, but other options include going for a walk around a museum or a mall or other place where your child can walk for a long time). So if you're spending 2 hours being active with your baby or toddler, try 4 hours instead and see if that makes a difference. Our kids need that exercise and fresh air anyways, so even if it doesn't help with sleep, it is a good thing nonetheless.
3. Watch your Baby's Diet
It is possible that something the baby is eating could be contributing to sleep problems. Some babies that are on formula have sensitivities to certain types of formula. For babies that have started solids, food allergies or sensitivities can impact sleep. Also, certain types of foods consumed too close to bedtime can prevent good sleep. This includes anything containing caffeine (chocolate, sodas, etc.), foods high in sugar, artificial colourings and preservatives, foods high in protein and simple carbohydrates. You should replace those foods with foods that promote good sleep, such as whole grains, fruits and vegetables. In addition there are certain foods that contain tryptophan (a sleep inducing chemical) that are good evening food choices (despite many of them being proteins). These include turkey, tuna, certain types of nuts (not for babies), cottage cheese, hard cheese, yogurt, soymilk, tofu, soybeans, eggs, bananas and avocados.
4. Watch for Irritants in Mom's Diet
If you are breastfeeding, then it is also worth considering whether something in your diet could be contributing to poor nighttime sleep. Usually breastfeeding mothers can eat whatever they want, but some infants are sensitive to certain things in mom's diet. Dairy is a frequent culprit and can be difficult to cut out (it is an ingredient in so many things, so finding all that hidden dairy can be tough). Kellymom has a great article on dairy and other food sensitivities in breastfed babies. Beyond food, caffeine and alcohol can be other culprits. Both of these are safe in moderation for breastfeeding. However, they can impact your baby's sleep. Your caffeine intake can make your baby more wakeful (this is of course a catch-22 because if you're not sleeping well, you're more likely to reach for a coffee). With regards to alcohol, a study on sleep disturbances and alcohol has shown that infants had poorer sleep in the 3.5 hours after being exposed to even very minor amounts of alcohol in a mother's breastmilk.
5. Consider Co-Sleeping
Co-sleeping isn't for everyone, but for a lot of families (mine included), it is the best way for everyone to get a good night's rest. There are many benefits to co-sleeping and also important co-sleeping safety requirements to consider if you do decide this is right for your family.
6. Consistent Napping
Good sleep promotes good sleep. A lot of parents whose children do not sleep well at night mistakenly think it would be a good idea for them to give up naps. Instead, parents should try to institute a consistent nap routine. The baby's last nap should not be too late in the day either to ensure that it doesn't interfere with nighttime sleep.
7. Comfortable Sleep Environment
Wherever your baby sleeps, ensure that it is comfortable. That doesn't mean adding all sorts of blankets and pillows (which can be dangerous). Instead, it means making sure that your baby is dressed appropriately for the temperature in comfortable pajamas. It may mean using things like white noise to help your baby to sleep. It certainly involves ensuring a smoke free sleep environment, not having smokers sleep in the same room as the baby, and ideally a smoke free home altogether.
8. Adjust Your Expectations
I hate all of the chatter about sleeping through the night. Our society puts way too much pressure on parents in this regard and completely discounts information on what normal infant sleep is. Be reasonable and patient with your child and understand that not every child is the same and also that a child that did once sleep well, may not always sleep well. If a child is teething, going through a growth spurt, sick, working on a developmental milestone, hungry, didn’t get enough exercise or fresh air, is preoccupied by a scary situation during the day, or any list of other things, that can wreak havoc on their sleep. Try to be understanding in these situations and help them get through those tough times.
9. Read, Read, Read
Nothing in this post helped you? Have you done all of these things already? This is just a start and only hits on a few key issues. But people have written whole books on this topic and maybe you could benefit from reading some of them. Elizabeth Pantley's "No-Cry" series, including the The No Cry Sleep Solution, the The No Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and the The No Cry Nap Solution (also my review) offer great tips and ideas. I have used these books extensively for myself and to help others. I should note that I didn't do the logs or the formal plan that she suggests. I think it is too easy to fall into thinking of your sleep plan like sleep training, when really the idea is to create an environment that is conducive to healthy sleep. So don't throw away the ideas in the book just because the idea of the logs sounds too complicated or inappropriate to you. Just use the book to choose tips and ideas that are a good fit for your family and your child.
Other books that promote gentle approaches to sleep include:
- The Happiest Baby on the Block: The New Way to Calm Crying and Help Your Newborn Baby Sleep Longer (by Harvey Karp)
- Three in a Bed: The Benefits of Sleeping with Your Baby (by Deborah Jackson)
- Good Nights: The Happy Parents' Guide to the Family Bed (and a Peaceful Night's Sleep) (by Maria Goodavage and Jay Gordon)
- Sleeping with Your Baby: A Parent's Guide to Cosleeping (by James J. McKenna)
Links to some videos and articles with sleep tips can also be found on the Parenting Baby To Sleep blog's I Need Sleep Now page.
I think it is important to note though that no book or blog provides the solution to infant or toddler sleep. Each baby is unique and each family is unique.
10. Recognize that This Too Shall Pass
Our kids are only little for such a short period of time. It isn't always easy dealing with night wakings or sleep deprivation and I know it is frustrating for a lot of parents. I think it is important though to realize that it will pass, things will get better. You do not need to teach your child to self-soothe using cry it out. Your child will learn that skill with time on their own. In the meantime, if these tips are not working and you are frustrated, get some help. Certainly spouses/partners should help each other and find a way to share nighttime parenting wherever possible. Beyond that, find someone that can help you out during the day so that you can take a long nap when things are really rough.
Photo credit: Lab2112 on flickr
{ 61 comments… read them below or add one }
I totally agree with adjusting your expectations. I find it really helpful to hang out with like-minded moms, who have roughly the same approach to parenting that I do. That way, I’m not being inundated with stories and advice that is really not helpful, and just contributes to the frustration.
And with my second child, I’m finding it much easier to recognize that these days will not last forever. Although right now, in the middle of what I think is a growth spurt, I would appreciate it if they passed sooner rather than later.
You know, I really think you are onto something with “fresh air and exercise”.
I’m never sure how helpful – or not – the old “it could be something in your milk!” advice is, because I think so many women believe they must eat like a rabbit in order to breastfeed… and that puts some women off it. But I think you temper it well here.
@ Ruth: That really is a tough one. The great majority of women do not need to watch what they eat or drink at all (except alcohol and caffeine in moderation) and being careful about some herbs. However, for the small minority of babies that do have sensitivities to something in mom’s milk, it can wreak havoc on their health, mood, and their sleep. That said, switching to formula is often not the answer because the same babies that have sensitivities to something in mom’s milk are just as likely to be sensitive to something in the formula. The better (but tough) approach is to do an elimination diet and then slowly introduce things back in to diet until you are able to pinpoint what the culprit is. Or if you have an idea what it could be (dairy is a frequent culprit or any known allergens in the family), then just eliminate that first and see.
@Amber: I completely agree with hanging out with like-minded moms! One of the reasons that I choose not to frequent mainstream parenting message boards and regular playgroups for the most part. I try to go to places like the kellymom and Mothering message boards, go to babywearing or LLL play groups, and so on.
Another fantastic article. Thank you. I will be sharing a link to this with my clients. It is SO important for new and expectant parents to know that sleep problems are solvable and, more importantly, that sleep problems are more often in the minds of the parents than with the baby at all. They are a result of societal expectations that get projected upon parents and generate weeks, months and YEARS worth of anxiety in parents who, if they had never had the unrealistic sleep expectations placed upon them in the first place, would be just fine and would help their child learn to sleep in a pattern that works well for their family.
Can I suggest something else though. This is something that has come up for many past clients and now I make this recommendation to all new and expectant parents. Your #1 suggestion is having a “Calming Bedtime Routine.” It is a GREAT idea. That said I strongly recommend that you don’t make it the exact same every night. Have perhaps two or three that you cycle through. I say this mostly due to the routine of nightly baths specifically but the two big reasons for me to say this are: 1) bath time on a daily basis is not only unnecessary but it can be quite drying and irritating to the skin of a young baby and 2) if you do bath every night and then end up with an occasion to visit a cottage or friend or go camping where a bath isn’t an option then you are not only in a new location for sleeping – making it harder to settle – but you also miss the chance to employ that particular part of the routine.
As an aside and as a retired LLLC Leader – after almost 10 years leading – I love that you go to LLLC playgroups with other like minded moms. My very closest friends in the world are women I know through LLL and I still attend local meetings when I can. (It’s a great way to find babysitters who are familiar with AP parenting and babies who are still nursing beyond a year, BTW.)
Thanks again for an inspiring post!
@babyREADY: I agree that a bath every night isn’t necessary and isn’t advisable. I’ll look at editing the text slightly later to make that clear. We bathe our kids every second or third night. We also have slightly different weeknight versus weekend routines. Also, our routines are very portable (its easy to drop a few books in a bag if you’re going to visit friends!). Thanks for sharing this with your clients!
Thanks for this. I found it helpful!!
My pleasure!! Every new parent needs to know where to access good advice. The bad is far too pervasive!!
We’ve had some really challenging nights with Madeline, but I’ve found that she’s a baby who really needs to be “parented to sleep.” (I can’t remember where I read that phrase). We have a routine that we stick to no matter what, alternating parents throughout the week. Now that she’s a year old, by the time she’s through with her bath she’s rubbing her eyes. She knows what comes next!
She sometimes chatters or fusses a bit as she settles in, but is an overwhelmingly good sleeper. I think your tips here are spot on!
Oh – and about the bathtime issue mentioned above: We do give her a bath every night (she loves it and hasn’t had skin issues, so we go with it) but we make the bath a shorter part of the routine. For us, we’ve found that a quick bath with some play followed by a more-involved massage/rubdown with lotion is easily transferable for nights when we’re not home.
With this routine, we’ve made the bath more about focused playtime/singing songs/talking time with Mommy or Daddy rather than the water. Other non-water play can be substituted quite easily, and you can give a baby a massage/rubdown with lotion anywhere.
I think your final tip is the most important one. I remember when my daughter was just a couple of months old and she would only nap in my arms. People said to me that it was making a rod for my back but I used it as an excuse to spend most of the day sitting on the couch or at the computer and held her delicious body close. If I had to do stuff, I used a sling. Sometimes it felt like a drag but I’m so glad I did it instead of leaving her to cry. Now, I almost never get to hold her when sleeping. She’s a ‘good sleeper’ and prefers to sleep alone and go to sleep alone, and for up to 12 hours at a time. I know that’s a blessing (and kind of weird at only one year of age!) but truth be told, I miss nighttime parenting. I don’t miss sleep deprivation though!
I could not agree more with #8, adjust your expectations. I remember one parent came to me and said she would keep her twins in their cribs for 3 hours in the afternoon because that’s how long she expected them to sleep! Yikes! I also find people who expect their 3 or 4 month old to sleep all night without a feeding a bit off base. There are plenty of adults who can’t go 12 hours without eating, so I don’t know why we (and I don’t mean me) expect our babies to do it. I fed both my babies at night up through a year and even my almost 13 month old woke up last night to eat because his appetite has been off all week due to illness. All babies are so different that I don’t like how many people have blanket ideas about what your baby should or should not do at the right age, weight, etc.
Great tips!
I was so stressed about sleep caved and did some CIO ( I think I cried more than him ) and then about a year ago I just accepted my son isn’t a sleeper. He never was , I can’t change who he is but thriving so he is getting enough sleep, and naps well. Once my expectations changed stress was gone.
Great advice !
This is a wonderful, wonderful post. I will be passing this on- shorter to read than Pantley’s book and I don’t recall her mentioning the food issue.
I had forgotten how obsessed the rest of the world is with baby’s sleep in the 9 years between my daughters. Other than nodding and smiling, I have no quick answer for “does she sleep?”
I’m tempted to cut out L’s midday nap, he consistently goes to bed a t 10 p.m. But your article makes me think that I should hold on to it. Thanks for all the great info!
#10 was the only thing that really helped me take a few deep breaths and deal with the 2 years of sleep deprivation we had w/ our son. In spite of working on all the other suggestions as well, including full-time co-sleeping, recognizing that Ethan would be a big boy sooner than we’d like was the only thing that gave me the patience to get through it. He still doesn’t sleep 12 hours a night (does anyone? really?!), but the 5-6 hour stretches we get are blissful. And as he gets older, I miss that quiet time at night with him when it was just the two of us.
And I agree w/ you 100% that the idea of sleeping through the night and the urgency to make our babies “independent” are awful. Our society’s obsession with it is a huge disservice to our babies.
An excellent post! My almost 2.5 year old twins have never been good sleepers, that was one reason that co-sleeping was such a blessing!
I second Amber’s suggestion to hang out with likeminded parents. I am “crunchiest” mom out of the other twin moms I hang out with and that can definitely leave me in situations where I start to feel defensive about my parenting choices.
I really notice how much better my duo sleeps when they’ve been playing outside. We are trying to find more fully fenced parks because two toddlers plus one adult at an open park on a busy street is stressful!
Thanks for a great post! I’ll have to check out the resources you listed to see if we can make nap time better.
i am so delighted to discover your site and read the above post and others!
i am one of those nursing mothers (my son will be 3 in Nov) who’s child has always been highly sensitive to my diet. alcohol, carbonated beverages, sugar, caffeine, beans and other ‘gassy’ legumes.. the reaction was so strong when my son was a newborn that he’d literally throw up my milk. my intense interest and love for my son has led me to have a never-ending interest in breast-feeding and the benefits and effects of breast-milk on a childs growth and well-being. i spend my nights between my husbands and son’s bed, but mostly with my son and that is where i wake up. he sleep well till about 1:30am and then wants to nurse often and will search for my body in the bed. i am constantly trying to come up with solutions to improve his sleep. i do drink white wine in the evenings and i’d thought only beer was a culprit but i may have to re-evaluate after reading your article. my son loves to eat meat (chicken mostly, some fish, beef once a week) and white rice (i try to get brown rice into him but he doesn’t like it). he eats pumpkin and sweet potato on occasion but otherwise doesn’t like vegetables yet. he recently enjoys mango, kiwi fruit, a little orange or apple. he drinks only water. and my breast-milk of course.
pls let me know your thoughts.
None of the tips really helped me although i am down to no choice but CIO. I have been co-sleeping and feeding my baby to sleep EVERY night for 15mo. and now when i wean her down to 3 feedings a day, i put lemon juice on my breasts and told her i had an Owee, and i couldn’t feed any more… (it tasted so nasty that she didn’t want it) i was so proud of her, but that night she just screamed… i tried everything from paci like a nipple, sippy, rocking, singing, tv, snack, finally she passed out with her hand in the snack bowl… she wasn’t hungry cause we just ate spegetti… and tonight the same thing… but she passed out on the floor! i want to help her soothe herself…. but HOW??? she is doing the CIO on her OWN!! and i am NOT ok with it… please help?
@Cassondra: Have you read any of the No Cry Sleep Solution books by Elizabeth Pantley (see my Parenting Library for a list of her books and other sleep books I would recommend)? They offer gentle and gradual suggestions for things like night weaning, teaching your child to go to sleep on their own, etc. I’m not sure that I can help you directly because I have never weaned or sleep trained a child. I create an environment conducive to good sleep and then just let it happen on its own. It isn’t an overnight solution, but it is what works for our family. I still nurse my 2.5 year old to sleep at night and will continue to do so until she is ready to give it up (my son self-weaned at 2.5 years).
Crying with loving parental presence is different than crying alone in a dark room.
Yes! Radmama, thank you for adding that!
Although I appreciate much of this advice, parents should never feel that they are failing because a baby cries. When a baby’s needs for sustenance have been met, she should be allowed to cry in our comforting presence. Allowing a child to cry is loving, not ignoring. Although crying for extended periods of time can create stress in a baby, most crying RELIEVES stress. Babies will never (and should never have to) be “No Cry.” If an adult friend cries we provide loving support and comfort, but don’t attempt to ‘fix’ them with food, a nipple in the mouth, rocking or “shushing.” Sometimes we all need to cry, and we need the expression and release of our feelings to be allowed and accepted.
I wholeheartedly agree that babies need lots of exercise and fresh air for good health and better sleep. But when a baby is kept in a carrier or stroller, the baby gets the air and the parent gets all the excercise. I encourage parents to allow a baby lots of time for unrestricted movement in a playpen or other safe area outside with a few simple toys. Babies are kept occupied for long periods of time this way, involved in self-initiated play. Parents can watch, and enjoy, trusting the baby to daydream, move and play as he wishes. It’s a healthy, blissful way to spend the day for everyone!
I agree that crying in arms is the appropriate response when a child just needs to express emotions. It can be a great way to teach them how to voice their emotions and to express their feelings.
That said, I also believe in meeting a baby’s physical and emotional needs. That means that if my baby needs something, I do not think it is an appropriate response to withhold that and hold her while she cries instead. For example, a lot of parents will say “I just fed her she can’t possibly need to nurse again”. However, nursing is not just about feeding. Nursing is about comfort and it is a lot of babies’ preferred source of comfort. To draw a parallel, if you are upset and just want your husband to hold you, but he instead decides to just pat you on the head while you cry because “he just gave you a hug, so you can’t possibly need another one”, he wouldn’t really be responding to your needs and you would reasonably get frustrated and annoyed at being patted on the head.
I agree wholeheartedly on your points around exercise.
Thanks for your reply!
I still believe we give parents (and babies) the wrong message when we suggest ‘nursing away’ tears. Many parents cannot nurse a baby for various reasons (like adoption). Are you suggesting they use a bottle or a pacifier every time a baby cries?
A nipple usually stops the tears instantly, because it goes in the mouth. If parents are encouraged to nurse for the purpose of arresting cries, why would they ever NOT do that, and allow a child’s feelings? Are you suggesting they only allow a child to cry as a last resort?
Should babies learn that when they are upset they need to eat or drink to feel better? Ask the overeaters or alcoholics you know about eating and drinking for comfort!
I occassionally have toddlers in my parenting classes who run to their parents every time they have the slightest disappointment and ask to be nursed, and I work with those parents to send a healthier message to the child. The child does not feel capable of handling situations that others her age can, because the parent has taught her to seek a nipple every time she is upset. We must give children the message THAT WE BELIEVE they are capable of coping with feelings, with our calm support. Quieting them on the breast is much easier for us than hearing their feelings. Sometimes, truly loving a child means allowing her to cry, supporting her when it is excruciatingly hard for us.
Janet:
1) Babies that are not nursed have other preferred ways to be comforted. But generally babies that do nurse prefer comfort at the breast.
2) Nursing is not always “eating”.
3) Do you also have toddlers in your parenting classes who run to their parents every time they have the slightest disappointment and ask to be comforted in some other way? What makes that other way better/worse than nursing? I agree that all parents need to teach their children to handle situations in an age appropriate way, but I don’t think that means saying no to nursing or other methods of comfort necessarily. You can comfort your child and then talk about what they could do next time to handle the situation. You can offer suggestions before offering to nurse and see if they are okay with that.
3) No. Children who are not trained to nurse whenever they are upset express their feelings openly, either in the parent’s arms or not, as they choose, and then move on, eager to engage in play again. But the toddlers who nurse on demand seem to be distracted by a need to test those boundaries with the mother. They play for shorter periods of time; have shorter attention spans, and have not developed coping skills. That is what I have observed in the 15 years that I have taught parent/infant and toddler classes.
Thank you for allowing me to express my views!
Interesting Janet.
My experience (supported by the research that I’ve read) has been that children who are not given the opportunity to develop a secure attachment to their parents tend to be more insecure and clingy by about preschool age. Nursing an infant on demand, with reasonable limits given as the child grows, helps to foster a secure attachment (as does responding to the child at night instead of doing cry it out), which helps them to build their confidence and become more independent as they are ready (as opposed to being pushed into false independence and experiencing severe insecurity as a result).
You are correct that secure attachment is vital for a baby! Secure attachment is fostered by a sensitive response to a baby’s, physical and emotional needs, and is (THANKFULLY) very possible for babies who are not breast fed, as well as those who are. Breastfeeding is a wonderful way to nourish for those lucky enough to be able to do so, but becomes problematic when used as a quick fix, and a feeling stuffer. A baby needs emotions to be allowed and accepted, not a breast in the mouth as soon as she cries, to make her “be quiet.” Obviously, the parent does not mean to send that message, but that is the one the child receives.
Parents should not feel pressured to go to any length to stop a baby’s cries. Crying is not to be feared; it is a healthy release. I don’t understand the expression “cry it out.” What are babies “crying out”? I do know that babies need to cry sometimes, as we all do. And they need support for crying, not parents rushing to plug their mouths.
Sir Richard Bowlby, son of John Bowlby who originated Attachment Theory will be the keynote speaker at the 2010 RIE Conference (Resources for Infant Educarers, a non-profit organization) in June, at the Skirball Center in Los Angeles. I recommend this conference for anyone who would like to learn more about “secure attachment” and the research behind it, from the source of the theory. This is the theory “attachment parenting” borrows its name from, but one has little to do with the other.
Janet: The expression “cry it out” refers to letting babies cry themselves to sleep. I don’t agree with it, yet people were looking for alternatives to it, which is the reason I wrote this post.
I think a variety of parenting is practiced among parents of nursing toddlers. Mine have had days where they run to me at slightest upset to nurse, but most days nursing was comfort for BIG upsets and smaller ones involved talking, hugs, kisses, etc.
Usually nursing for comfort as a toddler involved discussion of feelings as well. For toddlers and teens, parents are the strong base to fall back on as they explore the world.
I read Bowlby before I had children and his work did influence my “attachment parenting” choices.
Babies need to suck. I don’t know why. I can’t imagine sucking to sleep. But babies need it.
Nursing toddlers often do not have attachment objects. My daughter was like that. No blankie, no paci, no teddy. Just mommy. She is an extremely independent 6 year old who prefers to stay at school until 5:30 for after school activities instead of coming home to be with mom. But I never imagined this when she was 2 or 3 and still wanted to, like the toddlers you mentioned, nurse every time she wanted comfort. And even when she didn’t nurse, she wanted mommy close. all. the. time. It was concerning, but we didn’t really need to be concerned. She grew up. There were times I gently nudged her to be more independent in certain ways. It started with, “no nursing while mommy’s eating at the table.” And she didn’t like that, but I didn’t feel I was asking too much. Still, I never had a problem nursing her when she was sad or hurt or tired. Some kids have a need to suck until 7 years old. They usually suck their thumbs. So I’m grateful she only needed to suck until she was 3 and a half. Once the need was gone, it was obvious.
As for a baby who’s crying and CAN’T be comforted, I have a boy who doesn’t want to nurse if there’s a different need. And his need to suck is not as strong. It’s just a different personality. He’s only 10 months and he’ll cry if he needs to poop and doesn’t want to go in his diaper! This takes a while to figure out what’s wrong and it’s stressful having him cry and cry, but oh the relief we ALL feel when he finally poops! lol. I think if the kid is falling asleep in their food, they are sleep deprived and they missed the window of falling asleep peacefully. Its an easy window to miss with toddlers. But they’ll be OK. And yes it is ok to cry. It’s part of the human experience. And if we get stressed out about it, the baby picks up on that and can get even more upset. But we want to model respect and empathy, even if we need to allow our sweet heart to cry. It’s also ok to try to stop the crying. Crying is a baby’s only way of communicating and it means something is wrong. We know this, as mammals. Crying means something is wrong. It might be something minor. My boy cries because I won’t let him eat paper. It doesn’t mean I have to give him paper, but it does mean that he’s upset and I should respond to him in an understanding way.
Annie- these are great tips. I think the fresh air & exercise is a big one here, it’s just so cold (20 degrees today.) But I’ll see what I can do. Great post- thank you for sharing it!
Steph
I love this post, Annie! We’re a no crib/no CIO house…and it’s always refreshing to find likeminded mamas! I especially agree with point #2. Fresh air truly makes all of the difference. We try to go biking, walking, or running outdoors every single day.
Hi just discovered this blog and love it! WRT “This too shall pass”, I had a funny sleep-deprived thought today. My 8 month old woke up twice on Saturday night, and 5 times last night. My husband said, “This is a bad trend.” I said, “If this keeps up, he’ll be waking up 1,000 times a night by the time he’s 4!”
My 4 year old still wakes up at night, sometimes. My 2 year old STILL wakes up. At least once a night, although just to be brought to my bed from his crib. Which I love. Still. Yup, no regular sleep patterns in our household, that’s for sure!!
I just wanted to say that I love your blog. I’ve found lots of helpful stuff on here. The fresh air and exercise idea is something we need to work on. It’s a good idea and I’m going to keep track of how it helps. We are still going through rough nights with our 18-month-old daughter. She is up many times every night and I haven’t been able to bring myself to push anything with her. I’ve been reading that nightweaning is the solution, but I’m loathe to try it when if she’s going to scream for hours. She still just seems to really need to nurse A LOT. I keep hoping it will taper off a bit before I work on some changes. Maybe a little more language will help, too, so we can communicate about what is going on with the changes.
Thanks for these tips. I’ve been doing most of them already, but I suppose I need to practice patience.
Perhaps paradoxically, the biggest challenge for our family (both of us work from home, too) has been to establish consistent naptimes. We’ve let our daughter just sleep when it comes naturally to her, but her own natural naptimes have made bedtime quite late.
I will suggest amber teething necklaces. They’ve been super. It might be too early to tell, but both of the kids have been way less irritable today. They sleep much better. I haven’t given them any tylenol for teething pain, but they seem happy and pain free with the necklaces. Plus, the necklaces are adorable. I took the kids strolling in the mall today and got many compliments.
Emma:
Thank you for your comment. Unfortunately, I cannot recommend amber teething necklaces. They present a choking hazard for small children.
Initially, I was very nervous about using an amber teething necklace. My son started wearing his when he was 5-6 months old and has been wearing it ever since (he is now 12 mos). I still feel nervous about him wearing it when sleeping. So, I put it around his ankle under his sleeper. I may have to reassess than when he gets older, especially if he starts taking his sleeper off. But for now, this works for us.
On a different note, thank you for this blog. I wish I had come across it earlier on. We’ve used many ideas in the Pantley book (but not before reading some other books that offer less gentle advice).
I need some clarification about crying at bedtime. My husband & I do not agree with CIO and we work to ensure that the bedtime routine is calm and relaxing. However, when we put our son into his crib, he sometimes protests when we leave the room. His upset is communicated by fussing, which we generally wait out because he will often settle down. But other times, the fussing turns into crying, which elicits a prompt reponse from us. There have been other times, however, that his crying subside even in the few moments that it takes us to get upstairs to his room.
So, here’s my question: when his fussiness turns into tears, do we give him a couple of minutes to see if he will settle on his own or do we respond right away? I obviously don’t want to let him CIO, but I also don’t want to rush in at every fuss.
This is lovely but I really, really, really wish there was an emergency list of things to try for AP practicing parents whose children still have significant sleeping problems. Every time I google I get the same answers, and they are all the things I am already doing with my 2 year old, who nightwakes 2-4 times every night. I absolutely do not want to do CIO **because it does not work for her** but it seems like there are 2 brands of nighttime sleep solutions: the standard ones that work for MOST kids really well (bedtime routine, etc) and CIO. I seriously wish there was something out there I haven’t tried that isn’t CIO that I’ve never heard of before because THEN I would have some hope.
- one tired cosleeping, extended/tandem nursing AP mama
I hear you. My toddlers always woke, well nursed. They didn’t always wake fully up, but if they did I would have lost my mind.
Have you read Elizabeth Pantley? I think her gentle sleep solution book has an “if nothing else works” chapter. Perhaps her gentle sleep for toddlers one does, too.
Thank you so much for writing this. My daughter in-law believes in having my one year old grandson cry it out at night. I heard him one night at bedtime and my heart broke for him. He just sobbed until I told my son to go get him some 20 minutes later. I did not do this with my children and they are very happy, adjusted, intelligent individuals. Not that they will listen to me but I will share your article. I try not to interfere but sometimes it is difficult.
Looks like this post hasn’t had much action lately, but I just came across it tonight. My 3-month-old had a rough time getting to sleep tonight and my husband is away – so it was all me for somewhere around 3 hours. I know it was partly my fault – we were out during afternoon naptime today, and he slept in his carrier on my front, but it’s just not the same quality of sleep that he gets at home.
But anyhow, I wanted to say that it’s really surprising that nobody comments on babies that spit up/vomit if they nurse too much before bed. For me, this means that I can nurse my little guy to sleep once, but if he wakes up and starts crying for help getting back to sleep, I can’t nurse him to sleep again within two hours or else it really backfires on me. He might fall asleep, but then he’ll wake himself up within about 20 minutes, there will be partially-digested milk everywhere, and then he’ll REALLY be crying! Tonight, for instance, I nursed him too much in my attempts to get him to sleep and I definitely need a shower before bed to rinse off the sour milk smell!
So on these nights, I end up usually having to let him cry a bit. I try to stay physically with him, but sometimes I realize that my emotional reaction to his crying is probably doing more harm than good, so I’ll leave the room for a few minutes. If my husband is home, we take turns being with him while he cries. He goes through these cycles of crying really loud and then calming himself down, then crying really loud again and calming down, and generally after 5-10 of these cycles he’ll get to sleep. It doesn’t take all that long, but it’s really no fun to watch. We try giving him something else to suck on, shushing, singing lullabies, holding his legs and arms so he doesn’t move around so much and wake himself up more (he’s still sleeping in a swaddle blanket, but he’s strong and can move quite a bit anyway). I’m not really asking for advice here, but I just thought I’d share this experience. It’s not CIO, but there’s sometimes a lot of crying involved!
could you have overactive let down? my daughter did a “binge and purge” thing for months and it turned out yo be oald. we grew out of it together and the spitting up ended.
Thanks for the helpful post.
Our son is 5 months old, and is still swaddled to help him sleep – do we need to stop? he loves it (so do we!), but he is close to being able to roll over and I don’t want him to roll over in the night and not be able to roll back.
I have also heard it might affect his development.
Thank you
Sarah
I can add another book to your list: “The No Cry Sleep Solution”. It was written by a co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding mom. When I learned some of these tips, I never had the same kind of sleep issues with my second child.
Also – society does put WAY to much emphasis on sleeping through the night when it is KNOWN that normal sleeping patterns for babies do NOT include sleeping through the night consistently! If you happen to get one of the ones that DOES sleep long stretches and young – good. But if you get one that gets up every 2-3 hours (like mine both did) that is also GOOD. It’s normal. The trick is to find ways for mom to get more sleep – not to punish baby for being … well… a baby.
Monique:
Thank you. I do know that book. It is the first one on the list.
Oops…. I saw the bullet list and didn’t realize I’d missed the biggest entry in the paragraph above! It really is one of the best books out there – and I love that it’s written by a breastfeeding mom who has been there…
A few experiences to throw in.
We have found that the conventional bedtime calming down routines have wound both our girls up when little – bath and stories in particular have the opposite effect. For us it has been nursing, calm music, and most importantly not forcing a non-sleepy child to go to bed in the first place!
For us bed-sharing has been a wonderful, restful experience. None of us have ever suffered from tiredness except in the first few days with a new baby, or when one of us is ill.
I’ve also found it very interesting to explore the whole idea of a night’s sleep. We all come into light sleep and may wake up , but don’t remember it the next day. The problem comes when waking up becomes worrying in itself. I’ve also recently read about biphasic sleep – the idea that the natural human pattern is actually 4 hours sleep at a time and that many people are actually at their most productive during the night between two blocks of four hour sleep! Many traditional cultures are quite happy with the idea of getting up in the night to tend the fire, have a chat etc.
Another thought
I decided that we would bedshare before my eldest was born because of my own psychological dependency – on a cuddly toy.
When pregnant my DH and I had an argument – I was furious with him, and myself and the only person in the world who understood me or could comfort me was Mouse – a nylon Mickey Mouse, with no ears, full of holes etc.
I was appalled at how dependent I was on hi, and how I turned to an inanimate object for comfort. For a moment I even thought that I would be more hurt by loosing him, than my husband.
Made me very sure that I wanted my children to find that kind of comfort in people, or inside themselves rather than substitute
I am a huge fan of the attachment parenting style. I have a 9 month old, and have never let her “cry-it-out”. She has slept through the night ONE time – when she was 2 months old. At about 6 months we went from getting 4-5 hour stretches at a time steadily down to now she wakes every 2 hours all night long (and has been for a couple of months or more). She sleeps in a crib in our room, but for the past month the ONLY way I can get her to go back to sleep during these night wakings is to bring her into our bed. Problem is, I don’t sleep well with her in the bed. When she wakes up, she is WIDE awake – and due to my eagerness to just go back to sleep, I do what’s easiest – nurse her. So, she’s nursing all night long every 2 hours or so. When she wakes, she demands to be picked up – if I don’t get to her right away, she is SCREAMING hysterically, a mad cry, like she’s throwing a tantrum. If I try to put her back in her crib after nursing her to sleep, she wakes and screams again until I bring her into our bed. She spit up a lot until 7 mos. old and was on Zantac. I took her off it once the spitting up stopped, and then wondered if she may still have heartburn. However, after starting her back on the meds the sleeping didn’t improve, so I’ve taken her back off. I just don’t understand how she used to sleep well (4-5 hour stretches) when younger and now sleeps so poorly. She can’t be getting good quality sleep, when she’s wide awake every 2 hours? Suggestions?
Sara:
Quite often things like teething and milestones can make a baby that was previously a good sleeper into a frequent waker. For the most part, it will generally pass with time. I think just nursing her back to sleep as quickly as possible is probably the best way for everyone to get as much sleep as possible.
Personally, I preferred to sleep with my babies so that I noticed as soon as they started to wake up and I could cuddle or nurse them immediately rather than waiting until they were fully awake.
Thank you for this article! I will definitely recommend it to moms who are too exhausted to think of reading “The No Cry Sleep Solution”. Although a great book, you have summed up the points very nicely! Thanks again!
I just came across this article, and I really agree with everything you have to say. However, I feel like I have run the gammet (sp?) of these tips and am getting nowhere. My daughter is 8 months old (she is our first) and has not had an easy go so far. She was diagnosed w/reflux at 4 weeks and I breastfed exclusively for the 1st 9 weeks of her life, but once I went back to work I had to supplement w/formula. Long story short, I was using the gentle formula and it wasn’t gentle enough. She would wake up screaming from gas pains and grunting from reflux. She also started teething early (bottom teeth popped up right before the 5 month marker). After taking her to a gastroenterologist and getting the dosage right on her meds (zantac) and switching to soy formula (which she is now on exclusively…I stopped bf’ing at 6 months) she is still waking up constantly. She is totally ready to go to bed. She knows when the time comes and she looks forward to her bottle and doesn’t fight me to go to sleep, but she can not stay asleep and I don’t know how to fix it. I’ve picked her up, soothed her, and put her back in her bed. I’ve put her in bed with us, I’ve comforted her in her own bed…I’ve let her whine for brief periods and she has gotten herself back down, only to wake up 10 minutes later. She never ever napped well, and that pretty much holds true to this day. I just don’t know what else to do for her. I know sleep begets sleep…I feel like the only thing I haven’t tried is to let her CIO, but I’m so against it. I feel like such a failure as a mother b/c she is not getting the sleep she desperately needs. I know this time is short, but my husband and I both have to work full time and all of us are on the edge. Any other suggestions?
Melissa:
You said “she can not stay asleep and I don’t know how to fix it.” Can you provide more details? How often is she waking and how long is she awake for?
In worst case scenario, I have seen families where the mom and dad each take a shift during the night and let the other one sleep, so that each of them gets at least 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep. It can be a temporary measure to help get through a rough period without letting the baby CIO.
However, there may be other things you can do too if you can give more details on the waking patterns.
Thanks for getting back to me! When she is in her bed, she wakes up so many times I lose count. She isn’t up for long…as soon as I pick her up, she flops back asleep in my arms…there was a time where I was putting a musical lovey next to her and that calmed her too, but either way, she wakes up again. The longest stretch that we have gotten out of her in her bed in the past 3 weeks has been 4 hours. Normally she wakes up every 1.5-2 hours, although the other night she was up 5x within a half an hour. Since I posted the 1st time, I have been putting her in our bed more often just because neither one of us could take the lack of sleep (we are in a 1 bdrm condo so there really isn’t any where else either of us can go unfortunately) and that does seem to be helping. As much as I love having her, I feel like I’m setting myself up for another battle with her. I should note that b/c of our living situation (we are trying to sell!!) she is in a co-sleeper that we converted to a pack and play once she started sitting up. I don’t know if she just isn’t comfortable in it…she keeps me guessing!
I’m really happy to have found this blog. Whether or not I envision a similar story for my family it’s been so supportive & helpful to encounter an honest depiction of the reality of one family’s experience with alternative choices to the now traditional, baby in crib in a separate room from day one scenario.
My daughter just turned 6 mos. and we have been experience our own difficulties with her sleeping. We’ve been trying to get back on track after a bad cold and visitors for over 2 weeks. I really appreciate the idea of shifting your perspective. As I’ve been looking for help online (I’m in Colombia and don’t have access to books!) I keep coming across things like “is your baby waking 2,3, or even 5 times a night?” My answer is always, yes…and then is that bad, is that abnormal? Truth is, we weren’t that tired in the day because since she’s right next to us we could usually pu/pd and go back to sleep quickly ourselves. The problem for me was a worry that we might be doing the wrong thing for her, or perhaps entering a slippery slope into really bad sleep habits by picking her up every time.
Now that I’ve found this blog and other helpful information that offers me options that don’t involve cio or make me feel like her waking is abnormal, I’m really working to shift my perspective and expectations. The difficulty is that I feel that I have so few examples of the kind of night parenting that I want to implement. Which is why I’m grateful for your blog and so glad that it’s a presence online. But I also have a few questions about breastfeeding and co-sleeping that I’m trying to come to terms with, perhaps you could share your experience with me.
Did you offer the breast literally every time your babies woke, even if you knew they weren’t hungry (because they didn’t eat much, or they had recently eaten) and no matter how many times they woke in a night? Up until what age, more or less did you offer them breastfeeding at night and how was the weening process for you and them? I feel worried that breastfeeding whenever through the night is just postponing inevitable difficulty, even though it seems the easier option right now.
At this point my husband and I would like to see our child transitioning to her own room to sleep on her own starting around 1 or 1.5 years and also weening night feedings around that age.
Thanks for sharing your experience and your views!
when my litttle one was about 14 months old, we decided to night wean him – it took a couple of weeks of my husband going in to settle him when he woke, but he now sleeps peacefully through. soon after he stopped feeding at 3am, he stopped waking at 10pm for milk as well. other feeds through the night gradually stopped for us – I felt he was ready at 14 mo to stop completely.
he slept in his own room from about 8 months. let me know if you have any further questions – I’m not an expert at all, first time mommy finding my own way.
Sarah:
Thanks for your response it is helpful! I have a few clarification questions for you…
So you weened him from the 3am feeding first, but didn’t have to with the 10pm one, cos he stopped on his own, right? And toward 14 months it sounds like he gradually stopped waking so much to feed…do you recall how often you were feeding him at night up until then? I’m wondering if I should expect to nurse my baby 3-5X a night, or if I should be working now to lessen that number. It seems like a lot to be nursing a baby more than 2x a night if you have to get up and go to another room!
Hi Molly,
Yes, weaned him from the 3am feeding, then he gave up the 10pm on his own.
At about 8-9 months, he was feeding at 10 pm 1 am and then up for the day around 5-6
then about 12- 14 months, 10pm, 3am and up for the day 5-6
then after that a few weeks of 10pm and up for the day 5-6 ish
it is up to you and what you think your baby needs – I felt he was getting enough in the day – I make sure we have plenty of time to chill, cuddle, read books together as well as have milk – since I have been working he wants to have a breastfeed more on the days I don’t work – which is fine – happy to take a break from the day, sit on the couch and give him a feed!!! He’s slept in his own room since about 7 months or so, and we never co-slept – though he was in a crib right beside our bed. Happy to answer more questions! xx
good post, i recently had a tough stretch with my 28 month old, discussed here- http://being-a-mama.blogspot.com/2012/01/night-night-sleep-tight-see-you-in-hour.html,
i just came across your post and it all rang very true.
great blog, thanks
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